Sorry it took so long to update everyone; between school, work, and the holidays I haven't had much time for my fics. But I finally managed to squeeze it in.
In all her life, the queen had never felt as much discontent as she was feeling now. Within the three unproductive days she'd spent stuck in her cage, Regina had further fell into the trademark hero role. She hadn't even uttered a single insult, not even when the cobra purposely slammed herself into her cage with force enough to land it on the other side of the room. All she did was laugh, pick the cage up, and call her silly string.
This left a sour taste in the cobra's mouth. Silly string had to be the worst nickname yet. To make an irksome situation worse Regina had replaced her paper crown with a bright pink bow, complete with a flower in the center. And her equally horrid snake sweater was replaced with a cute frilly dress. It didn't even match her golden cuff.
The queen couldn't be any less pleased. Currently she found herself curled up in a baby basket, feeling levels of humiliation that not a single soul should ever be exposed to.
As Regina carried her down the sidewalk she pondered just how she could have become human. So far she'd considered that she was a weresnake and that it was a full moon the night she'd turned back. She ruled that one out right away, there were so many flaws in that theory. She also considered that someone had slipped into the mansion to give her a mocking hint of freedom. But she couldn't come up with anyone who actually had time for such petty bullshit. At one point her train of thought had become so far-fetched that she wondered if she was ever human at all. What if she was a snake this whole time? That she had been born a snake and was turned human by some spell that had recently worn off.
The cobra could just image her other half calling her a pathetic pasta. And so she let that theory go.
Instead she had come to concluded that she was so drunk she thought she had become human but really did not. It was the most logical theory she had. And the most disappointing.
"Alright my precious pasta, today you are going to dance for small children. You see, Paige is having a birthday party and their inflatable popped. So you will be providing the entertainment."
The Queen was ready to hiss in protest but thought better of it. After all, a crowded birthday party would offer her the perfect chance to escape.
.oOo.
"Regina, why would you bring a venomous Cobra to a child's birthday party!?" Emma questioned.
"It'll be fine, trust me. All she does is fall off of tables, eat grapes, and occasionally try to escape." Regina replied. "She's only hurting herself, and me." The mayor still found herself fearing for the condition of her liver.
"Okay, let's just say that she will behave. Do you really think Paige wants a snake at her birthday party? I don't know many little girls who like cobras."
And I don't know many women who have kinks for men with hook hands, the snake thought bitterly. She hoped that Regina would vocalize offer up one of her wonderful sarcastic remarks. But instead the woman just pouted at Emma, "she needs love too."
The Queen hissed, she needed to be free, that's what she needed. Snakes have no time for love, only world domination and power. She thought briefly of the grapes…maybe those too. She shook her head, deciding that now was not the time to be acting on her snake instincts. As her counterpart continued trying to persuade Emma that taking her to Paige's party was a good idea, the snake poked her head out from under the baby blanket. Looking to the left and the right, she emerged more fully.
She flicked her tongue out, tasting the sweet flavor of freedom. But alas, it was only a taste for she felt two swift taps on the head. "Down, bad snake." Regina demanded sharply. Dizzy from the sudden taps, she fell back onto the baby blanket—mouth half open tongue out. Perhaps guilt-tripping would work. But Regina ignored the snake's attention ploys.
"Hey, I think you may have hurt her." Emma pointed out.
Regina offered a dismissive hand gesture, "she does that all the time." Emma didn't look convinced. "Trust me, she just wants attention. Which is why this birthday party is a great idea; she'll get all the attention she could ever hope for."
A shiver ran down the snake's body. That plan had surely backfired.
"If you say so." Emma muttered. "But if something goes wrong, you can call a different sheriff. Because this one," she motioned to herself, "told you not to take the snake to the cake."
"Nothing is going to happen. I promise." Regina smiled. "I have a good feeling about this."
"You have a good feeling?" Emma shot her a puzzled look. "Where was this optimism before?"
"I'm not sure, but I'm glad it's here now." Regina gave Emma the brightest smile she could. And the sheriff couldn't help but return it. It was, after all, great to see her friend in such high spirits.
The snake queen could stand it no more, that was three sentences now that weren't about her. She felt vaguely uncomfortable when things were not about her. With an envious and self-destructive slam of her tail, she overturned her baby basket. In turn trapping herself beneath. Hissing violently, she shimmied her way out from under, at least far enough to be able to breathe.
"Your snake should really see Archie about her anger issues."
Regina looked at her watch. It would be another hour before Paige's party started.
.oOo.
"So, Regina tells me you are very angry." Archie sat across from her with a pen and notebook in hand. "I also hear that you have a bit of a drinking problem?"
The snake, coiled up on a chair, stared blankly at the doctor. Where had he heard that, she wondered briefly. The extent of her amusement was ever growing, Archie had only asked her if she was an angry snake about four times now. It was as if he thought she actually had the vocal chords to answer. At least she got to sit on a chair, it made her feel less snakely and more queenly.
"Okay, okay." Archie clapped his hands together. "How about this, rattle once for yes and twice for no."
The queen looked from her tail to Archie. "I am a cobra you oaf, not a rattle snake." Of course he couldn't understand her. She stared over at the phone, perhaps she could call Lord Voldemort. He was probably around Storybrooke somewhere, after all Frankenstein was here and he had no place amid fairytail folk.
That was it! That was her new plan, escape and find Voldemort, tell him that she's really a human, and get him to turn her back. The queen rocked smugly from side to side, there had to be a magic bean somewhere in that town.
"You are giving me very mixed signals your majesty." Archie noted. "One minute you're angry and the next you're the happiest snake I've ever seen."
Willing to hear no more, the queen flung herself off of the chair. Playing upon Archie's shock, the snake recovered and slid herself through the door that the cricket was dumb enough to leave slightly ajar. In quick s's she slithered down the hall.
"I didn't realize you were so eager to get to the party." Regina stooped down and scooped her up. Not missing a single beat, the mayor placed a tiny party hat atop the snake's head. "This is also for you." She put a handmade party blower in the snake's mouth. She promptly spit it out. "I decorated your cage for the party."
Upon seeing her poor cage, the snake felt a part of her shrivel up and die. Everything was so retina-burningly glittery. Not only that, but she was about to be placed in what looked like five inches of confetti.
Regina pet the snake's hood and placed her into that glittery hell. The queen wondered if she could manually spark the skin shedding process. She'd practically need to shed skin to get all of that glitter off. Knowing that she was in for a mildly long ride, she found the tidiest, most glitter-free spot in her cage, and coiled up.
"Now I have to pick up a present for Paige, don't you dare try to leave this car." Regina looked at the door and then at the locked cage door. "Not that you'll get very far." Without another word, Regina slammed the car door shut.
The queen cringed, suddenly remembering every story she'd ever heard about babies and dogs being trapped in hot cars. She always thought they were weak. But now, on the brink of her own death, her opinions were changing.
Oh how cruel the world was, leaving her to die in a steaming hot car.
She looked desperately around the Mercedes for something that could provide her with a blast of cold air. She sighed in defeat, even if she did find a source of cool air, she wouldn't be able to get to it. The snake moped bitterly to herself, so this is how I die.
She looked up at the car's clock. Exactly how long did it take for heat stroke to set in? Her counterpart better hurry the hell up, did she not realize how dire the situation was. But, better than anyone, the queen knew Regina.
Knew her well enough to know that she had always been a slow shopper. She remembered very clearly, all of those times Henry had thrown temper tantrums in the store because she was taking to long.
The queen closed her eyes. She'd come so far.
She was so close to being free.
And now she was going to die.
From over yonder, way in the back seat of the Mercedes, the queen heard Henry's cellphone ringing. She vaguely recalled him laughing with Violet, informing her that he was going to change his ringtone to, '2 Sad 4 Me Airhorn Remix'. The snake had no clue what that meant, but hearing it out loud for the first time, it was worse that she had imagined.
She always hated airhorns, ever since that one tragic April Fool's Day when Gold snuck into her bedroom while she was sleeping and bombarded her earholes with the sound of airhorns to the beat of Funky Town.
The snake could only imagine what the headlines would read; 'Party-Ready Snake, Weaker Than Babies Dies in a Hot Car Surrounded by Glitter and Airhorns.' What a sorry way to die.
Her woe was interrupted by the sound of a car door swinging open. Her hood perked up. Regina was back! Back and ready to end her suffering and save her from the intense, scale-melting heat. She uncoiled herself and dashed to greet the mayor.
But it was not her mayor, that had opened the door. The figure waved a hand and she found herself adorned with a smol snake muzzle for her smol snake mouth. Whoever this offending evil-doer was, he or she was one crafty bastard. The cobra felt a pair of gloved hands wrap around her slender snake body. As those hands lifted her out of the car, two dreadful realizations dawned upon her.
She was being snakenapped. But even worse than that, she knew that she had done it again; over thought a situation and blew it to ridiculous proportions. She wasn't in any danger at all for it was the middle of winter and snakes flourish in the heat.
For her own stupidity, the bitter little cobra decided that she deserved to get snakenapped.
Her captor gave a wicked laugh. "Now Regina will know what happens when she crosses me." It was a woman, the Queen assessed. The woman, lifted the snake cage level with her eyes. "Aren't you a pretty little thing."
Yes, I am. The queen agreed smugly. Yes, I am. The last thing she thought before passing out was; "who the hell uses chloroformed on a perfectly defenseless snake? What. An. Asshole."
