Chapter 4: They always return
-lll-
Those thoughts...grey and dark, the ones that I just want gone forever, but, no matter what, they always return. Even as I sit here, drinking tea in the Shanghai. Sitting here, with both of them, Lilly and Hanako, no matter what it hurts still. I try and block the pain, but it strikes hard.
I feel the steel of a blade of m skin, the dark and deep red of the blood that I cover. Even though it doesn't cut it, the dull blade still gives the scare. It still makes me see the fear, the pains that it should bring. But now, I feel the cup of tea, the warm liquid in my throat, soothing. But temporary, no matter what, they always return.
I walk with them, back to the school; I hear voices that don't belong to them. It's just other people. Not students, people from around, just civilians. But I hear laughter; I look to see their fingers and their snickers. I look to Hanako, she hides behind Lilly, and she asks me to tell her. "Its pain..." Is all I say, a tone wanting blood.
My skin furrowed, my eyes glared, my knuckles cracked. "It's their pain..." I see them, to fools, who know not what they find amusing. Our scars, our faults, our problems, our pain, and they laugh.
I walk towards one, he is wearing jeans, white shirt, has short black hair, blue eyes. He laughs, pointing to me, commenting on my scars, the ones that cover me. My normal expression of static, now rage.
I feel my fist connect, a jaw break, blood drip and flow. "Pain, is what you need..." I looked to the other one, "I say: run." He dose such, but his other friends yell for him to come back, saying I'm just another psycho. I can show them psycho...or 'STOP!' That voice, it has echoes...not that voice, her voice.
I look to the man to find his face bruised, bloodied, eyes fearful. I'm grasping his shirt, I let go and he runs. I look to my left fist, skin split, and blood covering it. It made me shake; I was that monster they taunted. I gave them what they wanted.
I was just a scarred breaker, a fighter, a maker. I gave my judgment, but now I fear it. I turned away, walked away, back to my room. My only safe haven, my only hold to forget, with a blade...
But, I couldn't. I was stopped, by hands, gentle, and blind. "Kizauto, what did you do?" What did I do? What did I do? That is a question; the answer was on my hands. She felt one hand and her expression turned worrisome.
I pulled away, digging my hands into my pockets. "It was what I gave, it was what I did. I made them feel it." I felt crumbling; I felt the grey world, the death that I longed for. One road, a car...a hit, and gone, but I couldn't. I was kept there by gentle hands. Why? Why help me?
I'm slipping though the cracks, falling into the black, but there are hands trying to keep me. I see only two pairs, more are just shadows. They can't let me go, they know I can't just go, they say 'no.' I answer, 'yes.'
I let Lilly and Hanako take me back, the nurse asked, they told. All of it, from start to finish, all the details, and all the pain, every single drop, down to the details of the strikes, the nurse just nodded and my hands were wrapped.
I was taken back to my room by them, made sure I made it alive. Not to run off and end it, part of me wanted to, but the larger part told me not to, the side that sees the color that my dark ideas cannot.
I sit there, my bed soft to my tough body. I can hear Lilly talk with Hanako, telling her to just wait for her back at her room, but she wouldn't leave. Why? I am a monster, a breaker. I can't deserve this, can I? I can? Who says so?
'I do, you.' I hear for that voice, but I just hear the little whisper of Lilly. 'You need them, just let them hold you in, you need to be helped. You cannot just run and die.' It's that voice again; it's the part that sees light. The angels to my daemons, the love to my hate, the picture is clear.
But the next thing I feel is a hand, soft, gentle, Lilly. It rests on my shoulder. "Kizauto, if you need us, just call us, I put our numbers on your phone. So please, if you need someone, just call. Okay?" I can feel her worry, it makes me feel sad, but assured.
I just sat there, no response. What do I do? Who am I to have their help? I am just another scarred person, what makes me so deserving. Why? Why?! Someone answer me! 'Stop, just look, and you will see.'
I see Lilly's worried expression. She is worried for me, but why? 'She cares, no, they care. Can't you see that? Seriously, just make he not worry, do something. Let your pain go.'
I feel my eyes tear up, I feel my body shake, and I slide from the bed to the floor on my knees. I grasp my head, as if a spike is being driven through it. "Why?! Why do you help me?!" It hurts, it just all hurts. But then I get my answer, a pair of hand around me, not Lilly, but again, Hanako.
That is why...they care. But, what keeps them from leaving? The arms quickly go as they came. I feel cold, but my heart is still warm. I could hear Lilly stand up and kneel down next to me. "Are you alright? I know, a foolish question, but I need to know."
I slowly nod, "Yes...I'm...fine." But I was better, or, I could be. I can be, just let this pain go, try and feel something. "Thanks," for everything.
I slowly get back up and wipe my face off, I check my watch, and it was three-O'clock, Saturday. "Time still left in the day, anything that you both want to do?" A quick change of mood, strange, but it helps, keeps my steady, at least for a bit.
I hear Hanako mumble something. "Hanako, you must speak up, if you have an idea, let us hear it." I was calm; my mood was a different view entirely.
She whispered something about a bakery in town. "Well then, let's go." With that, we left, another day spent, and another thought stopped. I do have this happen, my mood will be different, and I'll go in and out of anger and calmness. But, I notice the calm stays longer, the anger fades faster.
But I know it will be back, all that pain, the thoughts, the hurt, the hate, and it will never really leave. They always return. No matter what I do, they always return. If I lock it away, it breaks out. If I send it off with the thoughts of my friends, it invades my life. They always return. But they do slow.
