Note that I've changed the genre to Angst, for obvious reasons. Also, this story is rated M for future content. I didn't see the point in rating it T when I knew the rating would change later. I do promise for lots of fluffy goodness later on, but we've got some stuff to work through first. It is very "Dr. Burke flavored" too…the geek psychologist in me loves to write therapy scenes. I shall not lie :)
Disclaimer: Not mine, but aren't you glad? Who would do this to poor KB? Then again, they've drown her, blown her up, set a tiger on her, murdered her mom, and framed her boyfriend for murder... I guess things just aren't a walk in the park for Kate.
Tubes, wires, bandages and monitors seemed to be everywhere. She was surrounded by machinery, all purposed with keeping her healthy and stable. Every time she tried to move or shift slightly she pulled on something and she hated it.
Granted, she wasn't doing much moving. She quickly learned that she wasn't able. The extreme weakness came quickly and Kate Beckett soon discovered that her limbs simply wouldn't obey her brain. She would wiggle her fingers and toes every now and then just to reaffirm that she could.
The doctor warned her of the extreme weakness. He told her that months of being in a coma had allowed her muscles to degenerate. A physical therapist was called almost immediately in attempt to get her body moving again. In the mean time Kate lie in bed, still and surrounded by tubes.
She would never admit it, but she was glad when Castle stepped out for coffee. She was happy to see him, to be with him, and was so happy that the pain of not knowing if she'd wake up was over for him. Still, he was tense and the onslaught of emotion that was brewing just beneath the surface set her on edge. Kate Beckett had enough to process. She couldn't afford to manage anyone else's emotions.
She found that she was soon able to remember details surrounding the accident. She could remember driving along the rainy, narrow highway as they wound higher and higher into the mountains of upstate New York. She recalled their argument and it filled her with regret and with sorrow.
"The point is you let her get to you, Kate." His voice was defensive and agitated. "I told you how manipulative she was."
"She had a point, Castle. Besides, if you were so keen on not listening to her, not trusting her, then why did you let her stay with us?" Beckett demanded.
"Oh great. Now we're back to this again. When are you going to let it go?" He shot back at her.
"I'll let it go when you answer my questions. I'll let it go when you are honest and open with me. Why should this work only one way? I'm not the only one in this relationship with layers, Castle."
"What do you want me to say? Do you want me to pine after my long-lost father? Would it make you feel better if I made something up? Do you want me to tell you that I'm incomplete without him?" He shot at her.
"I want the truth, Castle. I want you to feel comfortable being vulnerable and open with me." She pleaded.
"Yeah, because you're making it so easy for me to be open right now." His sarcasm was like a slap in the face.
"You know what? Never mind. Just forget it. I don't know what I was thinking anyway." She admitted dejectedly.
"What does that mean?" He asked. When he was met with silence he pressed again, "Kate? What do you mean by that?"
"I mean that once again, we're kidding ourselves into thinking that this…thing… is ever going to work between us. Maybe we should just cut our losses Castle. It just reaffirms to me that we need a break."
The memory filled her with a bitter sorrow and a profound sense of regret. She didn't recall much after that, but knew that those were the last meaningful words they shared before all of this happened. For a moment she was filled with fear, what if he moved on while I was under?
The thought passed quickly, obviously he hasn't. He was here with me when I woke up. She felt guilty for her words to him. It had been moths ago and she understood that logically. Still, emotionally speaking it felt as if the argument had just happened. He's far more dedicated to me than I have been to him.
Again, she challenged the thought. Truth be told, she knew that if the tables were turned, if he were the one in the coma, she wouldn't have left his side either. Kate had to continuously remind herself, to reaffirm that they were still solid. She resolved to talk to him as soon as he returned. She needed to tell him, to show him how much she was invested in them. If he's still willing, that is. She shifted again, an odd pulling in her lower stomach. It felt as if her skin was burning and she was not comfortable. Kate called the nurse.
Nurse Marcy entered the room. She carried a cup filled with pain pills, ready when Kate called. "I was just getting ready to come see you." The middle-aged nurse spoke as she approached Kate. "It's time for your pain pills."
Kate nodded and tried to shift herself in the already raised hospital bed. "Why does my lower stomach hurt so badly? It pinches and burns." She complained as she swallowed the medicine.
"It isn't uncommon for it to burn and even itch as it heals. We can get an aid to come in and apply a bit of lotion and it should help the scar." The nurse suggested.
"Scar? Why do I have a scar? I thought my only major injury was to my head?" Kate questioned. She was confused and couldn't think of why she would have had a procedure there. They'd used a feeding tube and a catheter, but neither required surgical access. There as no sort of port for medications either.
Marcy paused for a moment, a stricken and panicked look crossed her face. "Maybe I should go get the doctor, Ms. Beckett." The nurse was clearly uncomfortable as she backed out of the room.
"Wait!" Kate yelled, "Why do I have a scar?" Her level of agitation skyrocketed. Enough was enough. "What the hell is going on?"
Castle heard her yell just as the nurse backed straight into him. She turned suddenly, her cheeks nearly as flushed as her hot pink scrubs, "Mr. Castle. I um… I've got to go get the doctor." She rushed past him suddenly.
Son of a bitch, he thought to himself as he heard Kate yell again. "What is wrong with my stomach?"
He walked into the room and sat by her bedside, taking her hand into his own. Here we go, he thought. Taking a deep breath he began to speak. "Kate, there is nothing wrong with your stomach. You're perfectly healthy."
"Then why do I have a surgical scar? I don't think someone elected to give me a tummy tuck while I was comatose, did they?" The sarcasm barely hid the fear in her voice.
"Kate, I'm about to tell you something and I need for you to stay calm and not freak out on me ok? I really need you to be ok after I tell you this, because it's big." He tried to prepare her, but from the new expression of panic on her face he could tell that his words only served to increase her apprehension.
The doctor walked in at that moment to find two very frustrated people turning to face him. He swallowed nervously and waited for Castle's cue.
"Can you give us a minute, Dr. Porter? Just wait right outside?" The doctor read Castle's expression quickly and nodded, slightly relieved that he wouldn't have to be the one to deliver this particular piece of news to his patient. He nodded politely and stepped back into the hallway.
Once alone again, Castle turned to face Beckett again. He took a deep breath as Kate tilted her head to the side, refusing to allow him to break eye contact with her. It was disconcerting, as he recognized the technique from countless interrogations. It was now or never.
"Kate. When you were hurt… When we were in the accident… the doctors found something that nobody expected." Her eyes grew wide at his words, the most awful of scenarios crossing her mind. Do I have cancer? Am I terminally ill and nobody wants to tell me?
As if reading her thoughts he squeezed her hand reassuringly. "You're just fine, Kate. It's nothing like that." He offered, dismissing the possibility that she was ill.
"No… The doctors… They um… They discovered that you were pregnant, Kate." Her mouth dropped.
"I was what? How?" She was completely blindsided.
"You were pregnant, about 12 weeks. They asked me if we knew and I told them that we didn't. I told them that you didn't know." He waited for her to correct the assumption, but judging from the shocked expression she wore he knew he was right in believing that she never knew about Grace.
"So…" Beckett paused, trying to find the words to express her disbelief. No such words could be found.
"I was?" She swallowed back tears when the full meaning of the news hit her. "I was pregnant? We were going to have a baby?" She couldn't hold them in. The sorrow over what they'd lost hit her full force. There was a baby, a little baby Castle.
Kate Beckett would never have admitted it, but she held the possibility of having a baby, and specifically a baby with Rick, close to her heart. The idea that she'd come so close to that only to have it ripped away was devastating. Castle observed her reaction and quickly jumped onto her train of thought, offering her correction.
"Wait. Kate, I don't think you understand." Castle interjected, "The baby was ok. The baby survived the accident." She stared at him blankly. It was as if he spoke a different language.
"Castle, you're going to have to help me here, because I'm not following." She motioned to her stomach. "Obviously something happened because there is no baby!" She raised her voice, clearly uncomfortable with the fact that she wasn't keeping up with the conversation.
Then it hit her. The pulling, the burning, the scar that had no explanation-a c-section. No. Just No. Not possible. She couldn't even think it. Did I? The horrified expression alerted Castle that Beckett had caught on and he simply waited, squeezing her hand.
"No." She pleaded with him. "I was pregnant?" Tears fell from her eyes as the reality of the situation set in. One of the most sacred experiences for a woman to have and she missed it. Castle couldn't help his own tears as the loss settled across Kate's expression. Afterall, who misses their own pregnancy? There was no manual for this. There was hardly precedence for it.
She looked down, unable to meet Castle's eyes as she stared at where he rubbed soothing circles on the back of her hand. "What happened to it?" She couldn't bear to imagine.
"She, Kate, not it-She. The baby is a girl. Her name is Grace and she's perfect." He supplied gently.
"She survived?" Kate looked incredulously, finally meeting Castle's gaze.
"She did." He couldn't keep the smile from his face as he pulled out his phone.
He explained to Kate how they'd delivered her weeks ago, how she was happy and healthy and currently at home with her grandma. Kate wiped her tears with the back of her hand as she gazed at the picture on the phone. She was indeed a beautiful baby, but it was all surreal.
She pushed the phone back to him and looked away, grabbing for a tissue to wipe her eyes.
"Kate?" He questioned her, unsure how to read her reaction. He'd been gushing about their perfect girl and Kate had simply withdrawn into herself.
"Castle, I'm really tired right now. I think I need to get some rest." She left him to take his cue as she continued to gaze at the wall. How could this have happened? I am a mother and didn't even know I was pregnant. I don't know my child. How could this have happened? She silently wondered. The grief was overwhelming.
"Hey kiddo. How did Beckett take the news?" Martha approached him cautiously later that evening when he returned to the loft to shower and change. Alexis turned to face him curiously as both women waited for his response. Grace lie peacefully in Alexis' arms, nursing a bottle fervently.
One thing that could be said for Grace was that she was quite the eater. It was one of the reasons that she'd been able to go home so early. She was gaining weight at a steady rate. Castle approached Alexis and motioned for his older daughter to hand over his youngest daughter. She passed the fluffy white blanket which contained her sister carefully.
"Hello, my heart." Rick lined gentle kisses on the soft cheeks of the infant. "Did you have a good day?" He asked her softly.
Alexis and Martha shared a meaningful glance at his obvious avoidance of their question.
"Did you tell her, dad?" Alexis pressed.
He sighed heavily, not taking his eyes from Grace's face. "Yes. I told her." He supplied.
"and?" Martha urged more details from her son.
"and?" He hesitated, "and she was shocked. She was devastated and she pulled back. I don't know what I was expecting." The defeat in his voice was obvious.
"Richard." Martha's voice softened, "She just woke up from a coma and she's had motherhood thrust on her. Give the girl some time to adjust."
"She didn't even ask to see her." He looked desperately at his mother, holding Grace a little more securely against him.
"Please Richard, don't push her on this one. She will in time, trust me." She squeezed Castle's arm reassuringly.
Alexis approached and kissed her dad on the cheek. She then moved to kiss Grace on the cheek as well. "Dad, it is physically impossible to not fall in love with her. Kate will be crazy about my baby sister in no time."
Castle smiled thankfully at his daughter, appreciative that she was so willing make him feel better. I pray that she's right, he thought to himself.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.
You make me happy when skies are gray.
You'll never know dear, how much I love you.
Please don't take my sunshine away.
Kate smiled softly at her mother as she sang. Johanna Beckett always had a beautiful voice. It was actually a trait that she'd passed on to her daughter, although few people had the privilege to know that. She sighed, filled with an inner peace as she listened to her mom sing the old song.
The other night dear
as I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms
When I awoke dear
I was mistaken
And I held my head and cried.
Kate was looked down to find she was holding a small bundle. She was holding a baby girl. She knew it was her daughter but she felt nothing. She looked at the infant as if it were some stranger, the emptiness penetrating her.
"How could you Katie?" She looked back up at her mother suddenly. Her face filled with utter grief and disappointment. "What kind of mother doesn't love her own daughter?"
Kate woke suddenly, her heart beating rapidly. Tears fell as she tried to catch her breath. Oh my God! She thought to herself. What kind of person am I? What if I don't love her? She tried to control her breathing, to get a grip on herself but found that she couldn't. The sobs soon alerted the sleeping man beside her.
One look and Castle knew. He knew that it finally hit her. He sadly crawled into bed beside her and cradled her in his arms. He placed soothing kisses along her brow, "Shhhh." He calmed her, holding tight to her body as she sobbed. "I've got you." He promised, stroking his fingers through her dark hair.
"I'm not ready Castle." She admitted, sorrow and defeat in her voice.
"It's ok Kate. We will wait until you are ready. Everything is going to be ok." He rocked her body rhythmically as her sobs subsided.
"Shhh. I promise it will be ok. I promise that we will be ok. You'll see. You'll see how beautiful she is and you'll love her." He promised Kate with his words.
She nodded but remained silent, her biggest fear echoing through her head, but what if I don't?
Ok. So I am not a parent, but I am familiar with the transition into parenthood from a psychological perspective. I know that it is very common for expecting parents to worry that they will not love their children. It is a type of love that I am told we cannot fathom until we experience it. It is even more common for mothers to worry that they won't love their other children as much as the first. Although this is Kate's first child, I'm trying to tap into this type of fear in general-the fear of 'not being right' or 'not loving enough' with Kate. Afterall, she's had zero time to adjust or prepare for becoming a parent. We'll have a visit from Dr. Burke in the future, as well as a resolution that I'm super excited to write. I've already got the scene in my head.
My apologies for the tears, but to write a fluffy scene off the bat seemed inauthentic to the situation.
