Tim woke up feeling groggily, the sedation Ducky gave him really hit him hard and he was fighting to clear the fog from his head. Once he was awake,he wished he could still hide in the safety of sleep,because the reality he woke up to wasn't pleasant. Tim started to run through everything that happened in his ordered brain.
Okay,so his Boss and Ducky knew about what happened in his childhood,their reaction wasn't what he expected from them. There was no revulsion,accusations or rejection,yet,but it might change when they had time to think about it or got to know the whole story,that it was his own fault that he was taken,that he fell for an online sex-predator. What surprised him though was the compassion and caring he saw in both his Boss and Ducky. If he could get agent Basset off his back ,maybe he could still save his career, maybe both men wouldn't mention what happened and he could just keep on pretending nothing happened and that he was fine. His gut was telling him it would be wishful thinking,there was no way they were going to leave this alone,maybe the safest option was just to run. They probably lost most of their respect for him and the way he broke down,painted him as the weakling he was. He had to get up and face the music,it would be better to just get it over and then to re-evaluate his position.
Tim found Gibbs in the basement working on his boat,just like it was an ordinary Sunday afternoon. Gibbs noticed Tim as soon as he came down the stairs and mentally evaluated his condition,Tim looked calm and rested,although he was still a little bit pale,his eyes full of shadows and fear.
"You must be hungry,Ducky left you some lunch."
"I'm not really hungry.",Gibbs instantly noticed that he didn't use the usual "Boss",at the end of the sentence and realized that Tim felt unsure if he still had a place on the team.
Thwack
Gibbs delivered the smack against McGee's head,even before he gave it a serious thought,Tim should know that his place on the team was secure. What Gibbs didn't take into consideration,was Tim's current mental state. Tim cringed away,as soon as the slap fell,pulling his arms upwards,in front of his face,as if he was expecting a beating.
"Ah,damn McGee! I'm not going to hurt you,I slapped you so that you would get the silly notion out of your head,that you didn't still belong on my team any more." Tim recovered fast ,blushing bright red. Gibbs was slapping himself mentally,with his silly gesture he freaked Tim out even more."It was just a silly reflex,Tim,I'm so used to doing it,that I didn't even think before I did it."
"It's okay Boss,I'm just a little bit jumpy,maybe I should eat ,otherwise Ducky will be unhappy." Tim rushed up the stairs,hoping to just get away,he was really chalking up his point of weakness. His escape was foiled by the sound of Gibbs's footsteps following him to the kitchen.
Tim sat at the table moving the food around on his plate aimlessly."I'm sorry Boss ...for... everything."
"You have no reason to apologise,agent Basset used that compromising photos of you,to get you to further his own goals. He used you ruthlessly and I took care of him,he isn't going to bother you again."
Tim looked up with hopeful eyes,"It's over,he won't show the photos to anyone else?"
"Yes,Tim it's over! And if he showed that photos of you to me,it wouldn't have made me think less of you. YOU WERE A DEFENSELESS CHILD,YOU WERE A VICTIM,IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT!" Gibbs said the last sentence with force,hoping he could get through to Tim.
"But I was the one who agreed to the meeting,I put myself in his hands!"
Gibbs blew out a frustrated sigh,"If a child that was kidnapped, in the same circumstances as you were sitting in front of you,would you blame him for what happened to him?"
"No,but..."
"But what Tim,tell me ,I want to understand what you are thinking?"
"My parents...my father...they..he!", Tim took his plate and started to wash it,agitatedly.
Gibbs felt helpless,dealing with emotions wasn't one of his strong points,he didn't have the right words to say,but he wanted more than anything to help the hurt man before him,to comfort him. He was just so afraid of making it worse,of saying the wrong thing.
He was relieved when Tim started to talk on his own again,keeping his back to his Boss,"It was difficult going home after what happened,my parents did try...to help me...but they had to...to...make me understand...that ,what...I did was wrong."
Gibbs had to control himself rigidly,it was only Tim who could make excuses for his parents when they hurt him,there was no other person that he knew ,who would be so forgiving."They were wrong,Tim,nobody should have blamed you!"
Tim turned around,angry,"NO,THEY DID THEIR BEST! THEY HAD A FREAK FOR A SON,A FAGGOT,THE BEATINGS WERE TO KEEP ME ON THE RIGHT PATH!"
Tears welled up in Gibbs's eyes,if he got hold of Tim's parents now,he would tear them to pieces. Tim was breathing hard,his fists balled up tightly,he almost whispered,"My father saw the tapes,he saw …..what I did...I begged for it...they kept me in their house...it was..more than I could ask for."
Gibbs just had to touch him,he had to hold him,even if it was going to mess Tim up further. He stood up and reach for Tim,pulling him into his arms. Tim struggled for a bit and the sagged against his Boss."What they did was wrong,it wasn't your fault,Tim. Being raped doesn't mean you are homosexual and even if you are,there is nothing wrong with it. Parents can make mistakes also,their prejudices clouded their common sense. They abused you,you didn't deserve any blame or punishment."
Gibbs led Tim back to his chair,handing him a paper towel. He had to keep busy and started to make a fresh pot of coffee."If you were my son,I would have been so happy that you were alive,I would never have blamed or hurt you in any way. The man who took you is highly intelligent,that's why the FBI can't catch him,he manipulated you through torture to do what he wanted,he had lots of experience before you,he is a paedophile,he knows how to control and hurt children."
Gibbs looked at Tim and in his eyes he could see the hurt,lost and confused boy ,Tim was so many years back. Tim wasn't just going to believe in one afternoon that his parents abused him and that he wasn't to be blamed for what happened,he was going to need long-term therapy. The damage Tim's parent did was to severe,Tim was hurt by the people he trusted the most,when he was at his most vulnerable.
"The FBI psychologist told my parents that often sexually abused children turned into paedophiles."
That psychologist was one more on Gibbs's list ,that he wanted to kill."In some cases maybe,but it is an easy excuse that paedophiles use, much to often. The psychologist probably only wanted your parents to get you help,you should have received therapy,to deal with what happened."
"But you don't believe in shrinks?"
"Tim even I make mistakes,but you can ask Ducky,he has a lot of training in psychology and I use his opinion a lot during cases."
Tim nodded his head in consent. Gibbs made one more push,"A psychologist can still help you to deal,with what happened,I'm sure we can find the right one with Ducky's help."
There was a small spark of hope in Tim's eyes,"Okay,we can ask him,but would that mean...that I would loose my place on the team."
"No,but I will want to keep you on desk-duty for a week or two,until your head is clear again."
"Are you sure,Boss? I will understand if you want me to quit,I do have a lot of issues ."
"Tim you are staying on my team,for the last 7 years you did a very good job as a field agent. There is however one thing,I want to be there for you and want you to stay here for the next week."
"I don't know...?"
"I'm sure Ducky is going to insist on it and I want to be there for you."
"Okay,do you think we can ask Ducky to start to look for someone that I can talk to."
"Yes,Tim,I sure he would love to come over for dinner."
"Are you going to tell the team?"
"No,it will stay between you,me and Ducky. There is one thing I'm curious about,why wasn't there anything about what happened on your file?"
Tim looked at the table top,tracing small circles on the wood,"It was hard growing up ,in a small town,where everyone knew what happened. I just wanted to be me,not the faggot ,who got raped. I sort of …...amended my personal file."
"It's okay,you are a computer genius after all,it should be good for something."
