Then
She didn't push it when Grace came back from work in silence. She didn't question it when Grace wouldn't say a word at dinner. And she didn't say anything when Grace wandered off into another part of the house without notice. It was probably an off day at the office, Karen figured, but she couldn't help wondering if maybe she was the cause. She didn't know how—she had been home alone all day—but on the off chance that it in fact was her doing, she wanted to be sure that she made up for it. Karen grabbed a bottle of wine from the kitchen along with two glasses and headed up the stairs in search of the red head.
As she was making her way up the stairs, she heard the soft hum of music coming from the end of the hall on the second floor. Grace had to be in the library. Karen slipped into her bedroom to pick up a spare blanket before coming to a stop at the doorway at the corner. She watched as Grace was sprawled out on the floor, paging through the New York Times, Billie Holiday coming through the speakers of the small stereo Karen had put in the corner. It was odd to see someone else in this room. The library was the one place Karen had to herself; Stan rarely set foot in it, making it the one room she could walk into and know she had the full privacy she was looking for. It was her sanctuary, never before intruded upon. But she had to admit, seeing Grace in here wasn't the worst thing in the world.
"Lady Day," Karen said, acknowledging the music. Grace jumped at the sound of her voice and looked up at the doorway. Her face looked as though she had just been caught doing something off limits. Karen couldn't help but laugh. She walked into the room and handed Grace the blanket. "It can get a little cold in here. Thought you might want this, just in case."
"Thanks," Grace said timidly as she took the blanket and draped it over herself. "I'm sorry I kind of took over. I saw the CD in the player and couldn't help myself. Will plays her music sometimes when he reads after a stressful day; it seemed like a good idea." She wouldn't tell Karen why the stress was there, letting her believe it was a client, or some deadline she barely met. In all honesty, despite Nathan walking in and distracting her for a few moments, she couldn't keep herself from thinking about the morning. She was dreading the moment Karen would find her so she could talk, just as she promised, not because she didn't want to help, but because she'd have to face her own uncertainties.
Karen sat down on the floor next to Grace—it was too casual of a move to see her make, Grace thought, but welcomed it nonetheless—and opened up the bottle of wine. "Whatever helps you feel more at home here." She poured the wine into their empty glasses and took a sip, not daring to break the silence that had sat itself between them. She didn't know where to start talking about this, anyway. In her time alone, she had barely gotten a grasp on the situation, forced to confront an empty home. She could deal with the quiet, she always had; even when there was someone else around, there were barely any words. It was the silence brought on by a lack of human will that she couldn't stand, couldn't quite figure out.
As a result, when Grace walked through the door in silence tonight, it calmed her nerves to know that someone else wished the thickening quiet to be so.
"So, do you want to talk about it?" Grace was looking at her with eyes of concern as she took a sip of her wine, putting Karen on the spot even though she wanted this. Being the good friend she was looking for. Billie Holiday was singing in the background as if nothing was going on, as if this was normal. Karen looked into her glass, ran her finger around the rim.
"How do you even begin talking about something like this?" she asked. She wasn't looking for an answer; she knew that there probably wasn't one. She could feel Grace's eyes still on her before she felt her touch on her shoulder. It was warm, accepting, unassuming, and for a moment, Karen wanted to cry. She had spent the years she had known Grace building up an image that was based off of what she thought the red head saw on the surface. And that touch, that caring and uncomplicated touch, let her know that she could shake off that heavy armor, contradicted everything they knew to be the norm in their friendship. But it wasn't the worst thing in the world.
"We could just sit here for a while, if that's what you want. I don't mind it at all."
Silence, but the fact that Grace didn't let go of Karen's shoulder spoke volumes, at least to the dark haired woman. She tried to focus on the music, on Lady Day and the voice that had always captivated her. Holiday was singing about solitude and the memories that lingered on in loneliness. It wasn't helping, to say the least. After what seemed like an eternity, Karen felt Grace's touch slip from her shoulders to the floor in between them. And as she closed her eyes, she finally found a starting point.
"You know what this feels like?" Karen asked with her eyes still shut. She took a deep breath. "It feels like something's missing. That's the most obvious thing in the world, and you'd think it would be so simple, so uncomplicated. But it goes deeper than that. Something's missing, and I feel that void, but…" She paused for a moment before finishing her sentence, unsure of how she wanted to phrase it. "But I'm not sure if it's that much of a bad thing that it's gone." She opened her eyes and looked at the red head next to her, shrugged her shoulders, as if that would validate everything.
"You don't miss Stan?" Grace moved in a little closer, draped the blanket over the both of them.
"I don't know. It's not like he took an active part in my life lately. I can't remember the last conversation we had that lasted longer than ten minutes. I can't remember the last time he stopped me just to kiss me before sending me on my way. It was always like that in the beginning. And it slowed down soon after, but it always does in any relationship. But at some point, it just stopped completely. Sometimes it feels like I'm more of a nuisance than a wife."
"Karen, why didn't you tell any of us about this?" There was a hint of disbelief and concern in Grace's voice when she asked. "I mean, sure, there was that one time you went to Will for divorce counseling, but we all thought that it had gotten better after that. You never let on that this was going on. God, I don't even think Jack has a clue. You could have said something to one of us."
"Oh, honey, what good is it to dump all of my problems on the three of you? I love Jack, but I don't think this would have gotten a lot of serious thought if I went to him. And there's nothing any of you can do to help, anyway. How would anyone be able to benefit from that?"
"I could have given you someone who listened, long before now. I'm here for you, Karen. I could have been all along."
It was simple, they both knew that, but to Karen, it meant the world. That's what she was missing out on, keeping everything locked up, letting her guard shoo away the bystanders wanting a peek inside. "I appreciate you listening now. Kind of makes me wonder why I never said anything before."
"We've got all night, I'm not going anywhere. So why don't you say a little more now? Only if you want to." And god, Karen wanted to. Until now, she was content in keeping her mouth shut, not letting even a crack of light in from the other side. But damn it, she wanted to speak. She had to.
So she did. She told Grace everything, the insecurities, the doubts in her relationship, the times that she thought she couldn't do it anymore. She tried to make Stan look somewhat sensitive to her needs in the end, but when it came down to it, he sounded like an inconsiderate bastard in her story, and especially now, she didn't necessarily mind it. Let someone else see the Stan Walker she sees. See how they like him then. And as she let everything out, she couldn't help but keep her eyes on Grace, even when the things she had to say made her want to close her eyes. She wanted to know exactly how the red head would take all of this in. Grace sat there, unmoving, lips in a straight line and eyes that seemed to stop at the surface at one turn and look right through her at another. When she couldn't speak anymore, Karen shrugged, said softly, "That's it, I guess," and watched the woman next to her, unable to gauge her reaction.
She never expected Grace to wrap her arms around her neck and take her in a gentle hug, without a word.
Grace was completely overcome by what Karen had just told her. She figured that things were tense in the Walker household; it was the sole reason she found the socialite outside of her office door four years ago, looking for a place to rest her head during the week. But she didn't have a clue about the constant thoughts of leaving, the silence she had to face every day. It made her feel guilty for thinking Karen's reasons for working for her laughable in the beginning. So when she wrapped her arms around Karen, it was part apology for something she never filled the dark haired woman in on, part sympathy, and part attempt to make her feel like she wasn't alone.
But then…
That feeling. The warmth. Even when Karen was at her darkest, even when she looks like she could chill you with her story, she had that warmth. And it was the first thing Grace noticed. That one thing that set her mind running a mile a minute this morning had come back full force, just when she had succeeded in pushing it to the back of her mind. She wondered if Karen knew what she was doing. She wondered if Karen felt it too. Or maybe it was all in her mind. Maybe it was only her, in which case only put her into a deeper part of hell.
Either way, when she pulled away to look at Karen, saw the smile on her face, she couldn't help herself. And the worst part was that if this blew up in her face, she wouldn't be able to blame it on the one glass of wine. She felt herself leaning in.
And before she knew it, Grace brushed her lips against Karen's with Lady Day singing in the background, as if nothing out of the ordinary was going on, as if this were just a normal action.
