Author's note: Thank you all so much for taking time to read and review! Your feedback means the world to me and I'm so glad that you are enjoying this story. It has lived inside my head for a long, long time. There's more coming...I promise.
The jingling sound of Heidi's collar wakes him from his dozing. His dog slips down from the bed and slides slightly on the wooden floor.
"Whatsamatter Hei?" He rumbles and then he hears it, too. The sound of the floorboards creaking just beyond his closed bedroom door.
He rubs his hand over his face and glances over at the illuminated numbers of the clock.
11:08pm.
He is sure it's Eli again. He sits on the side of the bed and is just about to stand when he hears the soft knock.
"Dad?" Kathleen opens the door halfway.
"You okay, hon?" Elliot asks her, squinting at her in the dim light. His daughter's blonde hair is piled in a ponytail on the top of her head and she has a blanket wrapped around her shoulders. She nods and leans up against the door frame.
He watches her for a moment and she surprises him when she doesn't fidget under his observation "You wanna come in, Leen?" He asks, quietly. Kathleen shakes her head and a tired smile crosses her face.
"I'm good. I just wanted to make sure you didn't fall asleep with the light on again." He wants to laugh, but it comes out as a yawn and makes Kathleen smirk. "Yeah, your old man's good for that," he says, recalling three nights ago when he had awoken to his daughter slipping his reading glasses from his face and turning off his bedside lamp.
His daughter is gazing at him and her pale eyes are ethereal. She has something else she wants to say and he has to let her have her chance. He can't jump to conclusions or crowd her. He has got to let her speak on her own.
"Are you gonna be okay here when we leave?" She asks shyly, clutching the fleece blanket closer around herself. He swallows hard. For the second time tonight, he is rendered speechless by a woman he loves.
"You worried 'bout me?" He asks her gently, worrying his bottom lip as his daughter's fingers tangle in her blanket.
Kathleen tilts her head to the side. "No," she answers him and he can see the honesty in her face. "I'm just checking. I don't want you to be here alone."
Heidi cocks her head toward Kathleen then and Elliot has to chuckle at his dog's perfect timing. He laughs quietly. "See? I'm not alone," he says as he motions toward the hound laying near his daughter. Kathleen sinks slightly in her stance and shifts on her feet.
"You know what I mean..." she sighs with the tiniest bit of exasperation.
For a moment, he debates telling her about Liv. About what she told him less than an hour ago. About how she's leaving the job behind and driving South.
How she's coming to stay with him for a little while...something holds him back.
Technically, it isn't his news to tell and she'd handed her resignation in to Cragen only this evening. He is sure that his child would rather hear the announcement coming from Olivia, herself.
"I'm gonna be fine, baby." Elliot assures her, meeting Kathleen's concerned gaze once more. His daughter nods and he can see her visibly relax in the way that she is holding herself.
She glances out the window at the snow for a moment before she reads his mind, "You talked to Liv?"
For an instant, he allows himself to take all of this in. He is sitting on his bed at a quarter after eleven, the night is silent save for the sound of the snow bouncing off the glass of the window. His daughter is standing before him bundled up in a sweatshirt and bare feet on the cold floor. For a moment he feels like she is a child again, marching around the house wrapped up in her princess cape. He loves all of the nuances of the young woman standing before him.
Over the last eight days he has spent most of his time with his daughter by his side. He loves how she wrinkles her nose and rolls her eyes when she finds something funny, how she talks with her hands, how passionate she is about every subject that crosses her mind, how protective she is of Eli. He has noticed that each and every time his daughter says Olivia's name she seems to light up from the inside out. His daughter's admiration for the woman he calls his partner has only increased as their friendship blossomed and she got to know the woman behind the badge.
He nods to answer her, "Yeah."
"Is she okay?"
He nods again and he can't hide his smile, "Yes."
His daughter is much too quick for him, "What?" She asks, smiling. "What's going on?"
"Nothing," he shakes his head and tries unsuccessfully to wipe the grin from his face, but he is laughing before he can stop himself. His daughter bites her lip and sways slightly on her feet. "Somebody's got a secret..." she croons and it is his turn to roll his eyes at her in amusement.
He can't lie to his kid.
"I'm gonna let Liv tell you, okay?" He can tell from her expression that she is taken aback by his response. She hadn't expected him to answer at all, but if the last year has taught him anything it is the importance of openness. He is rewarded for his honesty when his daughter takes a step toward him and presses a light kiss to his cheek.
"I'm glad," she says cryptically, slipping silently past Heidi and down the hall to her room. Elliot hears the soft click of her door, closing herself safely inside.
He sighs then and thinks that he is glad, too.
Elliot awoke at the first light. The dawn was bright and bitter and slant of the sun cast rainbows out over on the shimmering powder. He pulled on some sweats before nodding to Heidi, who followed him downstairs. His dog wiggled wiggled past him as soon as he opened the door and he laughed when she leapt from the porch and landed directly in a pile of snow. He set to work shoveling the sidewalk then.
The snow was heavy and the driveway was too long for him to do it all by hand. He had to break out his new Christmas gift from the kids. A snow blower. He'd stubbornly insisted that he didn't need one, but he had to admit that it would take him a lot less time. And it would save his back.
Heidi had stood on the lawn and watched him navigate his new contraption for a few moments before racing off through the snow. He had tried to take Heidi inside three times over the course of the hour, but she simply wasn't having it. Every time he got close enough to try and coax her toward him, she had darted away, barking happily and zooming across the landscape.
He had let her run.
When Heidi was newly his dog, he had worried about how quickly she darted over the property. He had been anxious about her losing her way on the land and being unable to find herself back to the house. He knows better now and he doesn't worry about her leaving. He has learned it is the desire to return that matters.
There are times when images of the life he lead in New York come back to him as plainly as if he is standing in the squad room. But now there are other moments, too. Moments like last night with Kathleen. His daughter is calmer than he has ever seen her. She seems to have found her place in the world and he is sure it's only by the grace of God that she continues to invite him into her life.
Moments like Christmas Eve when he had looked over from where he stood at the kitchen sink to see Eli making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for Santa. His kid is nothing if not thoughtful. These days he doesn't let the moments pass without appreciating what they hold.
Now, he stands in the middle of a dazzling white dawn and breathes. His dog is frolicking across the new snow that covers the five acres to his name. He grins to himself when he thinks about how his dog has shown him that this is the way everyone is are supposed to live; with space, time, and freedom.
Elliot's sweatpants are frozen against his shins and when he looks down he sees that Heidi is sitting by his side, watching the sky. He reaches over with his gloved hand to pat her head and she is off again, dashing in circles around him. He is laughing so hard that he lets himself sink into his knees in the deep snow. The cold doesn't register to him, but his sense of peace does. Peace.
It is baffling to him that fourteen months ago, this place had simply been somewhere that he had slept at night. He had rented the house out of necessity, never having any reason to believe that he would come to own the property.
Times change...
The house felt more like a home to him than his family's place in Queens ever had. He has tried not to read into that too much, but he equated the feeling to finally being able to breathe. The house is old, built in 1890. The previous owners had updated it about ten years ago and he has done some work on it since then. He replaced some wiring and some pipes, knocked down a couple of walls, painted, and torn down some old wallpaper. The house had given him a project and a place to belong.
Over the months, it became less of a shelter and more of a sanctuary. The fact that his children were comfortable in the house had just been a bonus. They had visited one by one over the last year and when they came to see what their father was working to create out of an old farm house in Virginia, they had all miraculously wanted to be a part of it. He has spent more time with his children over the last year than ever before and the irony doesn't escape him that all he had to do was leave his life in Manhattan behind to truly begin to live.
He pauses for a moment to watch the steam billow from his mug. It is still early and the chill is not unbearable. He slides the glass door behind him closed and moves to lean against the railing of the covered porch. His left hand brushes the wood free from the sprinkling of the snow and he lets his weight settle onto his forearms.
He can feel Heidi leaning against his leg as she peeks through the rungs of the porch, looking for squirrels to chase. The birds aren't even awake yet and the quiet permeates everything. He is forever struck by the silence out here. He hadn't realized just how noisy the city truly was until he left. He thinks he has become quieter over the last year, in more ways than one.
He looks to his left, to the snow piled high on the steps and thinks about how grateful he is for the snow tires he had put on the Tundra last month. They will help him to power through the heavy powder. Even though he has a drive ahead of him, he is reluctant to start to pack the truck.
Last night he had assured Kathleen he will be fine when they returned to New York and now he is reassuring himself. The time with his children is precious and he hasn't taken an instant of the last week for granted.
A gentle tap on the window behind him makes him turn around. His daughter stands at the glass, motioning to her cup of coffee and when she sees his own mug, she moves to slide the door open. "You need a refill, Dad?" She asks, pulling her sweater around her slight frame.
"I'm good. Thanks hon," Elliot replies. He watches as his daughter closes the door behind her and comes to stand next to him.
"Little guy is all packed," she says, her breath turning visible in the air.
He takes a sip of his coffee and nods in acknowledgement. "You think I should tell him to keep some of his new stuff here? The kid's got more toys than Carter has liver pills," Elliot muses out loud.
Beside him Kathleen swallows her coffee hard and gives a sputtering laugh, "What the hell did you just say?"
Elliot grins at the sound of her laughter and waits for her crack about how he is old and his vernacular is outdated.
Instead, she just looks up at him through her blonde bangs and smiles, shaking her head. They lapse into silence once more and Elliot breathes beside her. He no longer feels the compulsion to fill Kathleen's lulls with questions.
He simply lets her be now because he knows that, by some miracle, she'll talk to him if she needs something. He is about to tell her what it means to him to have her out here when she moves to his right and reaches up to touch the icicles hanging from the awning.
"It's beautiful here, Dad," she says. "I'm really happy that I came."
He is lucky that his daughter has gotten to know him so well because he can't look at her right now and she isn't seeking his gaze. He has just been given more than he ever thought was possible. A little over a year ago, he felt like he had lost everything. The reality is that he has gained so much.
He had spent Thanksgiving with Maureen and the rest of his children at her apartment in New Brunswick. As soon as their respective Christmas breaks had begun, the twins had driven down and spent four days with him. Liz had supplied him with enough meals to last until Easter and Dickie's stories about his ROTC training had brought back memories of his time in the service. Eli's visit brought infectious giggles and wet snow piles tracked through the house and Kathleen's desire to spend the Christmas holiday with him had been the biggest gift of all.
"When do you go back to work?" His daughter asks now, settling herself against the railing beside him. Her hair flutters in the slightest breeze and brushes against her cheek. Elliot reaches over and pushes the stray lock behind her ear.
"Wednesday," he answers her.
As much as he knows he is going to miss the hum of his children's presence around the house, he is ready to get back to work after the holiday. The job has been a God-send...
Cody had come into one of Elliot's therapy sessions late last October and handed him a file folder. "You looking for a job, Stabler?"
"Sure as hell not ready to retire," Elliot had answered and when Cody gestured to the folder in his lap, he took a look at the information that had been supplied. Cody gave him a second to read before he began to explain.
"The Marine Corps headquarters in Arlington is looking for a new coordinator for their SAPR program. The Sexual Assault Prevention and Response Program. They work to help victims and promote training and awareness." He stopped speaking and looked at Elliot then.
"You and I both know they do a hell of a lot more than that. That's the Reader's Digest Version. Could use a good man like you, Stabler. You'd be an asset. Or that's what I told them."
Elliot had looked up from the pages before him and met Cody's eyes. Over the months that Elliot had gotten to know him, Cody had become a friend and his unfailing faith in Elliot's abilities had made him feel capable for the first time since he left Manhattan.
He had nodded then, "I'll think about it."
Cody had grinned, "Good. 'Cause you've got an interview on Monday."
"What?" Elliot growled.
Cody held up his hands in mock surrender, "Hang on, Stabler. The guy who's doing the hiring and I go way back. He trusts me, see? He's been searching for the right person for this job for a long time."
"And you think that's me?" Elliot had asked, disbelief swirling in his mind.
Cody nodded. "Yep. All the years of experience you've got? It's unbeatable, Elliot. You can't manufacture that kind of understanding. You've got a unique perspective that's one in a million. I think you could do a whole lotta good for a whole lot of people. Change people's minds. Educate them."
He thinks he has been able to do just that.
In the year since he took the position, he has helped to pass two pieces of educational material designed to aid in the reporting process of sexual assault in the Marine Corps. This job isn't better or easier than the one he had left at the 1-6 - it's different. He has regular hours now. He leaves for work at 6:00am and gets home by 6pm.
It's different now because even though he doesn't always see the faces of the victims, he knows they're there.
He is hoping that the work he does will amount to something.
That service members giving of their lives for this country will someday have one less thing to worry about when sexual assault is better understood and eradicated from the ranks once and for all.
Heidi moves against his leg and he watches as she makes her way toward the sliding door. Elliot laughs when he sees his son's little face pressed up against the glass inside the kitchen. Heidi inspects Eli for a moment before she presses her nose against the outside of the glass, her tail wagging furiously. Nose to nose. His kid and his dog. Too much.
Kathleen sighs heavily, but she can't fully stop the laughter that bubbles from her. "You've got a weird dog, Dad."
Elliot looks at her, grinning. "Dog? I'm more concerned about the kid." His daughter smiles then and shakes her head as she brushes past him, scratching Heidi behind her ears.
"Who's gonna let Heidi out?" Elliot turns to glance over his shoulder at Kathleen. His daughter stands to his right, waiting to hand him the cooler.
"Cody's wife Meg is gonna bring the kids over tonight and tomorrow morning to play with her. I'll be home by noon."
He has rearranged the car three times now and he thinks at this rate they'll get back to New York sometime next Tuesday. He is going to stay on Kathleen's couch tonight and get on the road early tomorrow morning.
"Hey Dad! Daddy! Can Heidi come with us?" Eli yells from across the yard. He has been trying to follow Heidi through the deep trails that her tracks have made and his little legs aren't long enough.
"Buddy, Hei's gotta stay here. It's too long for her to be cooped up in the car. Besides, don't think there's enough room in here for you, let alone Heidi girl."
"Uh oh, looks like we're gonna have to strap you to the roof," Kathleen laughs, picking her way through the snow to scoop up her brother. Eli's face lights up at Kathleen's comment and Elliot is afraid that his son has taken it as more of a suggestion.
"Nobody's riding on the roof," he says, emerging from the packed rear seat. Eli's portable DVD player and his snacks are now within reach of his car seat. Heidi kisses Eli's face as he pulls her to him in a giant hug. "Love you, Heidi," Eli croons as Elliot picks him up and lifts him into the truck. "Heidi loves you, bud," Elliot tells him as he buckles his son into his booster seat.
Eli's little hand lands on Elliot's cheek and force him to look up into the blue of his baby's eyes. "Heidi loves you too, Daddy," Eli's little face is deeply serious. Elliot isn't sure why he feels a prickle of emotion, but he buries his face into his son's curls for a moment and kisses the top of his head.
"Love you, kid," he rumbles. "Love you, Daddy!" Eli answers automatically, reaching across the seat for his crayons.
"Be right back, pal." Elliot emerges from the back of the truck once more. He looks to his right and sees his daughter leaving a soft kiss on his dog's fur before she makes her way toward him. "You ready?" He asks her and he is surprised when she doesn't meet his gaze.
"You okay?" He bends down to look at her. Kathleen looks up at him, wiping her eyes.
"I'm fine," she says quickly, brushing the moment away. He has her arm then and he is pulling her toward him.
Neither one of them says anything, but he thinks that they both understand and for now this has got to be enough. "You can come back anytime," he whispers into her hair and his daughter gives a little shuddering nod against him.
"I know. It's just- I'm gonna miss this. And you."
He knows if he allows himself time to think about his daughter's words he is going to lose control. His children are magnificent and he loves them ferociously.
He won't ever be able to go back to a life lived without their constant presence. He doesn't want to.
He breathes against Kathleen, pressing a kiss to her forehead. He knows that she understands why he can't speak and she absolves him of the need to do so.
She opens the door of the truck and climbs inside.
Heidi is sitting on the floor beside his work bench.
"C'mon Hei," he calls to her softly, touching her head. She follows him inside and immediately hops up on the couch. She cocks her head and gazes at him with those all-knowing eyes. He worries his bottom lip as he kneels down before her. He never understood people who said they had a hard time leaving their pets until he met this dog.
"I'll be home tomorrow, babe. The boys are coming over to see you later, okay?" He kisses her head softly and turns on the tv, wiping his eyes on his sweatshirt sleeve. Getting soft, he thinks and he doesn't necessarily find it a bad thing.
"How 'bout Clemson?" Elliot asks her, changing the channel to their favorite: college football. Heidi gives an affirmative bark and straightens up on the couch, turning her attention toward the game. "Tigers it is," he says, placing the remote on the arm rest beside her. Heidi nudges his hand and he scratches her chest. "I'll be back tomorrow. By noon. I promise," he reassures her.
He kisses her head once more and he leaves the kitchen light on when he closes the door.
