"Ashiya. Let's go on a date." Itsuki fisted his hands at his sides as he spoke the words. Even though he had practiced and practiced in front of his mirror, it didn't prepare him for this moment. His skin still felt hot and itchy, and his heart felt like it was going to punch a hole through his chest.
He took these both as valuable indications of his feelings, but he needed more to be sure.
Ashiya's blue eyes were wide enough to drink from, and Itsuki had a sense that he would drown in their depths if he stared any longer. But he refused to look away. Say something. Say something, or I'm going to lose my confidence and take it back.
Ashiya gulped. "Yes?"
"Yes?"
"Yes," Ashiya said with more confidence. "Yes, absolutely. Let's do that."
Itsuki's stomach twisted. This is what he'd hoped Ashiya would say, but he hadn't expected his heart to pound quite so hard. He considered the possibility that he was suffering a heart attack. Either that, or...
"But, um." Ashiya fidgeted. "Why? I thought you needed to think. Or is this your answer?" The hopeful light returned to Ashiya's face and Itsuki's spirits dropped, knowing he'd have to see it fade in a second.
"I'm still thinking. This is part of it." Ashiya shrunk a fraction and a pang shot through Itsuki's chest. This is part of it, he reassured himself. Seeing how I feel when I see him.
"What do you mean?"
"I was thinking… And I wasn't getting anywhere. So I decided that the only way I can give you an honest answer is to recreate the aquarium day. So," Abeno cleared his throat and tried not to feel ridiculous when he said, "I want to go on a date, to see whether I start to feel what you felt. Go ahead and act like you did then. The...hand holding and whatever."
Ashiya stared at him like he was crazy.
"Are you crazy?"
Itsuki blinked. Huh. I'm already getting better at reading him. Success.
"I can't just go on a date with you and act like it's normal as some kind of experiment! Especially not while you're still not sure about your feelings for me!" Ashiya paced. "It's too much. Plus, we already went to the aquarium; it'll be super weird if we did everything all over again."
"Sorry, no. We're not going there. We're going somewhere else."
Ashiya stopped pacing. "Where?"
Itsuki shrugged. "Somewhere you'll like, I promise. It rated highly for a first date spot."
Ashiya's face went bright red. "Y-you…" Tears threatened in the corners of his eyes, born of a complicated concoction of emotions. It made his eyes look like a storming sea, and Itsuki had a distinct feeling of being adrift.
What's he so angry about? I thought Ashiya would be excited…
Itsuki shoved his hands into his pockets. "I…" He cleared his throat. "I'm sorry. I thought this would be a good idea. But I guess not." The summer sun beat down on the back of his neck, turning all his thoughts and good intentions to mush.
Ashiya's expression softened. He turned his face away and swiped at his eyes. "No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to freak out. I just… Everything's just a little confusing right now, you know?"
"I know. But I think this will help."
Ashiya peered at him through his long lashes and Itsuki was mesmerized by the way the sun's rays gleamed off his eyes. The storm in them had cleared, turning them to pools of cool, clean water. Ashiya's cheeks had faded to a rosy pink, the same color they were when he had held his hand and said the fateful words: I like you, Abeno-san.
He looked so vulnerable in the moment, as if a single wrong word or action would break him. A gentle warmth blossomed in the pit of Itsuki's stomach. It came on him so slow he hardly registered the change until his hand closed over Ashiya's. Ashiya startled, and when he realized what he'd just done, Itsuki's heart bucked too. But he didn't let go.
"I know it's hard, but will you give it a try?" he asked.
Ashiya glanced down at their hands for a long moment. He nodded. Itsuki released a breath he didn't know he had been holding.
Ashiya blinked at him. "Your face is red."
Itsuki's unoccupied hand flew to his cheek. It was burning.
Ashiya's mouth popped open. "You're blushing! Oh my god." He grinned and hopped up once, jogging Itsuki's arm up and down. "Oh my god," he said again, his smile growing to ear splitting proportions.
"Shut up," Itsuki growled. "Stop acting like a five year old and let's go." He dropped Ashiya's hand, pivoted, and began to stride away. His face burned hotter than ever, but he was determined to stabilize it by willpower alone.
"Hey, wait!" Ashiya was at his side in a moment. He peered at Itsuki's face and released a giddy laugh.
Itsuki pursed his lips and tried to decide if the sound was cute or annoying. He eventually decided it was both. He also decided that he would make sure that only Ashiya would be blushing from now on. And if for some reason Itsuki was tricked into blushing again, he would do it only in private where no one but Ashiya saw.
They walked a few blocks in relative silence. When Itsuki told him they were going to wait for the next bus, Ashiya clasped his hands behind his back and rocked back on his heels. His smile had turned secretive.
"You sure you aren't copying me?" he lilted. "If you really were going to redo the aquarium, that's okay. I've decided it might not be so bad. I wouldn't want you to go out of your way."
"I told you, I have a plan, and it's not the aquarium. How unoriginal do you think I am?" Itsuki huffed and rolled his eyes, but his head filled with a dizzying lightness. Ashiya had returned to the silly, carefree boy he had been before the confession. Itsuki hadn't realized how much he missed his smiling face and jibes.
The bus rolled in and they boarded. When Ashiya reached for his card to pay, Itsuki shouldered him aside and shoved the yen fee in the box for them both.
"I'm paying today," he said gruffly.
Ashiya blinked at him. "You're a real gentleman."
"I'm just returning the favor. Don't get any weird ideas."
"No weird ideas here. I mean, it's totally normal for you to want to pay for your date."
A blush threatened Itsuki's cheeks. What the hell? Again? He stomped to a seat and plopped down into it.
"Why are you mad?" Ashiya settled into the seat next to him. "Really, I wasn't making fun of you. I'm touched."
Itsuki knew Ashiya was smiling and felt a stab of fear for what might happen if he looked directly at Ashiya's face. He looked out the window instead.
I'm beginning to think this is a very dangerous idea. He was far too nervous and off balance for his liking. But… Isn't that the point? Itsuki rested his head in his hand and cradled the thought for the remainder of the ride.
They disembarked, and Itsuki led them on a meandering path through the streets until they reached the chosen location. He paused in front of the entrance to let Ashiya absorb.
The effect was just as he hoped. Ashiya froze. His eyes went wide and his lips parted in silent awe.
"Abeno-san…"
The entrance was a quaint, unassuming building, with the words Koishikawa Korakuen Gardens printed neatly above the door. It was one of the most beautiful and highly rated botanical gardens in Tokyo. Autumn and spring were the prime seasons for viewing, but Itsuki was certain it would still be worth seeing even now. Ashiya's face proved him right.
Itsuki allowed himself a proud smile. "You like it?"
"I love it." Ashiya's response was instantaneous and he said it with enough force to knock the breath from Itsuki's lungs.
Fortunately, he didn't have time to suffer over this, as Ashiya grabbed him by the hand and bolted toward the entrance. Itsuki had barely enough time to hand the attendant their tickets before Ashiya swept him into the garden.
"Oh!" Ashiya gasped and halted.
The world inside the garden was a watercolor. The lawns stretched lush and perfectly manicured, and here and there the green was punctuated by the soft babble of a brook, or a plume of summer flowers.
The garden exceeded all of Itsuki's expectations; it was far more beautiful than the pictures and descriptions online. "Told you it was better than the aquarium."
"Yeah." Ashiya laughed. His giddiness and wonder made his voice tremble. "This is amazing. I— I can barely talk. I love this so much." His hand tightened around Itsuki's. A tingle of warmth blossomed in Itsuki's stomach and shot down towards his feet.
"Japanese irises!" Ashiya yelped and let go of his hand to run off toward a bunch of purple and yellow flowers. Itsuki frowned down at his empty hand.
Ashiya bounded through the garden like an overlarge puppy, and Itsuki trailed him like a beleaguered but admiring owner. As they paraded around, Itsuki was surprised that he hadn't seen more than one or two other people. Summer appeared to be an unpopular time, but he couldn't understand why.
The air smelled thick with floral perfume and rich earth. Birds sang from the uppermost branches and cicadas screamed from the lower. The weather and surroundings were so sublime, after a while they calmed Ashiya to stroll. Occasionally he stopped, pointed out a plant, and shared what he knew of it. Itsuki listened to the cadence of his voice, studied the pleasant lines of his face, committed to memory how nice Ashiya looked in a t-shirt and shorts. He only heard every other word, but he wanted Ashiya to keep talking and for the peace of the moment to continue indefinitely.
He and Ashiya stopped in the middle of a bridge and stood side by side to study the koi swimming lazily in the river beneath.
"Mm." Ashiya released a contented sigh and closed his eyes. "This place reminds me a little of the Mononokean."
"How so?"
"Not sure. I guess… I feel like I can imagine you standing on this bridge in your kimono, looking at the cherry blossoms or feeding the fish. It feels peaceful like that. So I guess this place reminds me of you, not the Mononokean necessarily, but they're kind of tangled together in my mind."
"Mm."
Itsuki tilted his head up and watched the wind sift its fingers through the tree branches. It was true; this place was peaceful. It scattered your thoughts and made your mind empty of all but the quiet beauty of nature. It breathed possibility.
Ashiya's hand slipped into his. The wind hushed. The water beneath the bridge dulled to a whisper. The only sensations were the heat of their palms, the tingle of static where their arms just brushed one another, and the steady thump-thump-thump of Itsuki's heart. The moment felt suddenly sacred, and Itsuki was wary of ruining it by moving. But, carefully, he turned his head to look at Ashiya.
"This is beautiful, Abeno-san. I wasn't sure at first, but… I'm glad we did this. Even if you discover you don't feel the same, I don't regret confessing." Ashiya gave his hand a brief squeeze and, then, as if he had a sudden attack of self-consciousness, let it go. "I'm happy we tried going on a date. I'm happy you tried. It means a lot."
Ashiya smiled at him, but it was a complicated, somewhat sad looking thing. As though he didn't dare to hope too much, even as he practically handed Itsuki his heart. Itsuki's chest tightened. His legs felt wobbly and insubstantial beneath him. Without a word, he walked to the nearest patch of grass and dropped into a crouch, burying his head in his arms.
"Abeno-san?"
It's obvious. I know it is. I know, but… Itsuki inhaled slowly, breathed out just as slowly.
The truth was he had these feelings for a long time, but he had been willfully misunderstanding them. He had barely known Ashiya a year, but their relationship had been changing constantly throughout. Every day, every job seemed to reveal more and more. Ashiya went from a weakling freeloader, to employee, to powerful exorcist, to an irreplaceable friend, and now… Now he felt just irreplaceable.
This smiling, easily upset boy held depths that even Itsuki didn't think he fully comprehended. It terrified him how quickly Ashiya jumped from one thing to another, without seeming to realize, without seeming to think. He smiled without guard, laughed with abandon, fought and lectured and advised when anger or sadness came upon him, insensible to how his every action tore Itsuki's carefully crafted defenses to ribbons.
Ashiya was just so… So much. So much more than him. More beautiful, more ridiculous, more powerful, more fragile. More human. He made Itsuki feel foolish and adequate. He made Itsuki want to tear his idealism apart, but in the same terrible thought, he wanted to shield Ashiya from any harm the world would bring. It made him want to yell at him, but for what? For making him hope that he could be more? Feel more?
I feel like I'm suffocating. I feel like I'm unraveling. Is this what love is supposed to feel like? Like you're breaking apart and rebuilding into something so big and warm and electric that you were just a little bit scared of it?
"Abeno-san? Are you okay?" Ashiya crouched down beside him. Itsuki could sense his hand hovering in the air, caught in the uncertainty of whether he should comfort or keep his distance.
Itsuki didn't want him to hesitate. He wanted Ashiya to charge at him like he charged at everything else. He needed Ashiya to take the lead, to guide and stabilize him until he found his bearings and was able to meet him head on.
"Ashiya." He raised his head. "I'm done thinking. The answer is yes."
Itsuki watched as he absorbed his strangled declaration. Steadily, Ashiya's eyes widened and his outstretched hand fell to his side. A blush crept over his cheeks until he was red to the tips of his ears. Itsuki had a vague awareness that his own face was equally flushed.
"I… I like you." Itsuki swallowed. The words tasted foreign on his tongue, but he liked the way they hung in the air. He said them again, feeling stronger and more exposed all the while. "I like you."
Ashiya fisted his hands at his sides. "I like you too," he said, his face earnest through his violent blush. "A lot."
Itsuki breathed a laugh. "I know. And that's why I need you to help me. Through...this." He gestured between them.
Only this morning he would've been eaten up with embarrassment over having to ask for help, but for some reason it seemed okay now. He was nervous, but now that the truth lay bear between them he could see that Ashiya was fumbling just as much as he was. "You'd know better about this relationship thing than me. Even though I hate to admit it..."
"I'm not sure about that," Ashiya said, but he looked pleased. "Um. But, what exactly can I do to help?"
"You can lend me a hand, for starters."
Ashiya brightened. He took Itsuki's outstretched hand and just held it, happy as can be.
"I meant, lend me a hand and help me up," Itsuki deadpanned. "I can't feel my legs."
"Oh! I thought you wanted—" Ashiya stopped and laughed self consciously. "But, right. Sorry." He pulled him up.
Itsuki crossed his arms and stared out at the flowers swaying in the wind. He thought the world might look different now that he confessed, but nothing had changed. The same hot sun beat down on him, the same blue sky stretched above, the same awkward boy stood beside him grinning like a lovestruck lunatic. And that's how Itsuki knew this was right; it had been this way from the start.
"So… What now?" Ashiya asked after a quiet eternity.
"You decide," Itsuki said. He tried to sound flippant, but his voice had come out too soft for it to be believable.
Ashiya's brows drew together. "I don't think that's a good idea. I mean, I've had feelings for you a lot longer, so I'm a little farther along, you know? I don't want to make you uncomfortable."
"Liking you already makes me uncomfortable. I don't think you can do much more."
"That's the thing…" Ashiya's eyes flicked over Itsuki's face, lingering for a moment on his mouth. He ducked his head and mumbled, "I want to do a lot more."
An electric jolt shot down Itsuki's spine. He tightened his crossed arms over his chest. "Do it."
Ashiya's head snapped up. "W-what?"
His and Ashiya's blushes had faded, but now both came back full force.
"Do it," Itsuki said again, and for some reason his voice sounded furious. Or maybe just rough with desire. Another jolt shot through him, but this time it wasn't down his spine.
Ashiya gulped and backed away a step. Itsuki took a step closer.
"Why are you running away?"
"I don't know," Ashiya said. "I wasn't expecting you to be so…"
Doubt rolled into Itsuki's mind like a fat black cloud. "Am I making you uncomfortable?"
"No. I mean, yes, but it's not a bad thing. I kind of like this side of you."
"Oh. Okay." The doubt cleared and Itsuki nodded. "Then are you going to kiss me or what?"
Ashiya's mouth dropped open. "I can't just kiss you right now!" he spluttered.
"Why not?"
"Well…" Ashiya threw his gaze around the garden. "We're in public. It's embarrassing."
Itsuki didn't understand why he was acting like a blushing schoolgirl when he literally implied he wanted to kiss him five seconds ago. So frustrating. Itsuki scowled and realized for the first time that by falling for Ashiya he might have consigned himself to a slow romantic death.
"No one's here, Ashiya. Just us." He took another step. They were a breath away from each other now. He could see Ashiya was trembling slightly, and this made him feel braver somehow.
"Why do I have to do it?" Ashiya demanded, suddenly channeling the wrath of a cornered terrier. "You're a guy too! If you want to so badly, why don't you make the first move?"
"Fine."
Itsuki grabbed the front of Ashiya's shirt and pulled him forward. A startled noise escaped Ashiya's throat as their mouths crushed against each other. Later, in the privacy of his own home, Itsuki would play the sound back over and over, grinning like a maniac. But at present, he was acutely aware of how awful and terribly not planned out this kiss was.
He had been too hasty; it was too much force and his lip hurt where it bumped up against his teeth. Grabbing someone and kissing them looked way better in the movies.
Itsuki was mortified and wasn't at all surprised when Ashiya pulled back after about two seconds. He was surprised, however, when Ashiya wrapped his fingers around his wrists and moved in again.
A delighted Oh exploded behind Itsuki's eyes when their lips met perfectly the second time. Ashiya was a way better kisser than him. This is why he should've kissed first!
But the thought slid away as his mind wandered to the warmth spreading through his body. His hands slipped off Ashiya's shirt and up to his neck. Itsuki could feel the fast flutter of Ashiya's heartbeat beneath his fingers as he leaned deeper into the kiss.
Itsuki felt languid and dizzy when they finally broke apart. Ashiya rested his forehead against his, and they stood like that for a moment, tangled and slightly mussed.
Ashiya pulled back. "Well," he said with a shy smile.
"Well," Itsuki echoed with an answering smile. "You do the kissing from now on."
Ashiya laughed lightly. "You were plenty good once you got the hang of it."
"Mm," Itsuki hummed. Pride fizzed in his chest. "I expect I'll need more practice, though."
"Oh, yes, of course. We'll make sure you get all the practice you need."
Ashiya's eyes shone with mischief and Itsuki wanted to kiss him all over again. So he did. Because holy hell this beautiful boy was his now and he could kiss him anytime he liked. Ashiya laughed against his lips and wrapped his arms around Itsuki's waist.
"Ahem."
They jumped apart. An older gentleman in a park uniform stood a few feet away.
"The garden is closing soon. You have a bit longer to enjoy the atmosphere," he said, and paused, smiling indulgently at their guilty expressions. "But please be out by the end of the hour."
"Yes, sir," Itsuki mumbled.
The man walked off.
Ashiya cleared his throat. "So, uh, my mom invited you to dinner."
"...Oh?"
"Mm-hm." Ashiya pressed his lips together. "It's a little early for dinner, though. So we'll probably have to hang out in my room for a bit until it's ready." He glanced sidewise at him.
Itsuki's eyebrows shot up. "Oh. In that case…" He strode to the nearby tool shed's door and held up two fingers. "Come, Mononokean." He pushed the door open and pointed. "Faster than the bus."
"Fast learner already," Ashiya laughed as he stepped into the Mononokean.
Itsuki smiled. A vortex of unfamiliar feelings swirled in the pit of his stomach, but he wasn't afraid of it anymore. He knew that whatever came at him now that he'd have Ashiya by his side to help make sense of it all.
He followed Ashiya into the Mononokean and let the door slip shut behind them.
