If you want the full text of the letter at this point, it's at the end of chapter 60 of "All I Need To Know".
Or you can let Elliot tell you what he remembers of it as he tells Olivia :)
4.
"There was a letter," Elliot insisted, "but Kathy found it and took it out. I had no idea. Until last night."
He watched several emotions play out on Olivia's face. Confusion at first, followed by disbelief, and then wonder. He saw traces of anger too and he knew she was feeling very conflicted. He didn't blame her. He tried to imagine what it would have been like for her not to hear from him, and then receive an envelope with just his mini badge and a small note. That note had been meant to underline his letter, but it was all she'd received. Semper Fi. Always faithful. It must have done more harm than good in the end without the letter so he certainly understood the anger.
"I swear there was a letter, Liv," he added, pleading with her to hear him out now that they were both awake, and slightly more alert than before.
"What did it say?"
He could hear in her voice that she was trying to keep her distance but she was, in fact, very eager to know. He remembered what he'd written to her but not the exact words, so he would have to improvise. That wasn't his best quality when it came to his innermost feelings, but for Olivia's sake, he had to try. She deserved that much after all these months.
"Can we sit down?" he asked her, stalling just a little longer to find the right words to tell her what was in the letter; what was in his heart and had been in his heart for a long time.
Olivia gave him a curt nod and then turned around to sit on the couch. He followed her, making sure that he was walking in a straight line. He still felt a bit wobbly but despite the headache, his mind was clearer already after a few hours of sleep. He sat down, leaving a respectable distance between the two of them, and wondered how to start.
…
She couldn't really fathom what Elliot was telling her. He'd written her a letter but his wife had found it? Why on earth would he write to her? Granted, they weren't the best communicators in the world but he could have just called or come over to talk to her. She'd been dying to talk to him for so long and then he sent her a letter instead? Still, she had to know what he'd wanted to tell her. Depending on what he'd written, things could become incredibly awkward with Kathy, since she had found the letter and had taken it out of the envelope.
Olivia still remembered pulling that little flap out of the big envelope and then realizing who it was from. She'd tried to put it out of her mind quickly because they were working on a case but for weeks, that little note had rested inside the drawer of her nightstand. She had wanted to throw it out a few times but she hadn't been able to. Somehow, that little piece of paper had been proof for her that Elliot hadn't simply forgotten all about her when he'd walked away.
And now he was telling her there had been more. She was almost scared of hearing what he'd written to her a month ago and she held her breath when Elliot started talking.
"First of all, I apologized for ignoring your calls and for not seeing you when you came by the house."
She pursed her lips and nodded, not looking at Elliot but looking straight ahead. It was a start.
"I know it was wrong, Liv. To shut you out like that. You didn't deserve that."
She nodded again, not knowing what to say. She felt herself starting to feel that pain again and tried to continue breathing normally.
"But … I needed some time to face the truth."
She looked at him then, a question in her eyes.
"The truth about what, exactly?"
This was the hardest part. It had taken him a long time to admit to himself, let alone to put it on paper.
"The shooting," he said, almost whispering.
"It was a good shoot," Olivia said forcefully. It was a reflex. She'd said it countless times, defending him.
"That's what they said, isn't it? But I know the truth now, Liv. We said we wouldn't do it again, after Gitano, but I did. I made the exact same call again. I chose you over the job again. Over a victim. I shot Jenna because …"
His voice broke but he took a shaky breath and tried again.
"Because I was afraid she'd shoot you. I didn't care about anyone or anything else. My only thought was you. And that's why a young girl is dead today."
"El."
Olivia wanted to reach for him. The pain in his eyes and his voice was almost too much and she wanted to comfort him. Reassure him. It was an instinct that hadn't died over the past few months, no matter how hurt she'd felt. But she didn't reach for him. She was too busy trying to control the rapid beating of her heart and the trembling in her gut.
"It's all on me," Elliot continued. "I learned my lesson the first time and I don't blame any of this on you, Liv. I remember writing that I tried to stay away from you because of the man you bring out in me - but that's on me! It's not your fault in any way. It was my choice and I made that choice both times because …"
He looked at her then, almost surprised to get so much out in one go, and he could see Olivia processing and waiting. This was it. The one thing she really needed to know.
"Because I love you too damned much, Olivia."
He dropped his head in his hands after that and closed his eyes. He was trembling and felt extremely exposed. He'd finally told her. Put his heart on the line and this could go either way, like always with Olivia. He could hear her breathing erratically while she tried to control it. He knew she was shaking by now too and he braced himself. It was either fight or flight with Olivia. He was ready to fight, always, but he didn't know what he'd do if she chose to flee. It was a very real possibility because Olivia didn't do full exposure. She'd spent a lifetime perfecting the guard around her heart and she'd run for the hills before showing anyone how she truly felt. He prayed silently that she wouldn't run. He'd fight her if he had to, as long as she didn't run. Not this time.
Olivia was completely thrown and she just sat there, frozen. Her mind was going a mile a minute but it was going in all directions. He loved her? He shot Jenna because of her? He had written all of that? Could he really sit there and tell her that he loved her and not give her the time of day for months? But … did he really love her after all? After a long minute, she managed to ask him,
"And what were you expecting after sending me that letter?"
Elliot tried to focus again. At least she was still here.
"I asked you to meet me."
"When?"
"September 24."
"We didn't meet."
"I know. You never got the letter."
Olivia watched Elliot's profile and his tense body language. How on earth was she supposed to deal with all these revelations in the middle of the night?
"Would you have come?" she heard him ask. His voice was raspy and sad.
She stood up abruptly and walked a few steps away from the couch. She needed to do something or she'd explode.
Would she have met Elliot if he'd asked her to in September? After four months of no contact? Was that even a question? Of course she would have met him. She would have met him today if he'd asked her and she would have met him in five years' time. She'd meet him to get some closure if anything, but after such a declaration of love …
It still wasn't registering fully what he'd said and a little voice in the back of her head began repeating the words to her.
Because I love you too damned much, Olivia.
He had feared for her life and he'd chosen her over the job. Over the life of a young woman. He had shot someone because of her. Because of his feelings for her. His love for her … It had been a good shoot on the outside but she understood what he was telling her. No matter how it had looked from the outside, Elliot was dealing with what had happened to him on the inside. She was starting to understand why he had put his papers in, never to pick up a gun again.
Elliot was looking at her now and he looked incredibly tired.
"Would you have come?" he asked her again.
The answer fell from her lips then.
"Yes."
Elliot closed his eyes again and Olivia felt that strong pull towards him again. She remained where she was though, using the distance of about ten feet between them as a much needed barrier, or she might fall apart on the spot.
"I wrote that … that I'd understand if you didn't come and that it would mean you had moved on."
Olivia shook her head even though Elliot wasn't looking at her. Move on? What the hell was that anyway? She hadn't moved on at all.
"I waited all day long until they closed."
She was still shaking her head lightly.
"I didn't know …"
"I love you, Liv."
He looked at her now and she wrapped her arms around herself. When he stood up, she took a small step back but Elliot closed the distance between them faster than she could back up. She blinked a few times and looked up at him when he stopped just a few inches away from her.
"I don't have a clue what to do right now. I know we don't do this … this," he said, gesturing between them helplessly. "But you have to know once and for all. I love you."
"You already said that," Olivia stammered.
She was flailing mentally. They didn't do this indeed and she was starting to panic.
"I'll say it again until you hear me," he said and his voice was suddenly gentle. Tender even.
She looked into his blue eyes, now so close to her, and they anchored her. They gave her something to focus on and despite the remnants of alcohol in both their systems, her lack of sleep and his headache, all she could see was sincerity in them now. She jumped a little when Elliot put his hands on her shoulders lightly but stood perfectly still when he moved his hands down her arms. She uncrossed her arms automatically, dropping them by her sides and Elliot's hands continued their path downward until they found hers. He grasped her hands lightly and was relieved when she didn't pull them away.
"I love you," he said once more.
She was breathing too fast and he didn't want her to panic. Her confusion gave him the strength to stay focused for both of them.
"I heard you," Olivia said but he shook his head, the beginnings of a smile forming on his lips.
"Are you sure?" he asked her.
She was still staring at him with wide eyes, unmoving. Now that he'd said it a few times, the words were coming easier for him. She hadn't started running yet so he needed to make the most of these moments. She was silent and seemed to be frozen in place, but he could see a whole universe in her eyes and he could finally see the realization dawning in them of what he had just told her.
"I'm not going back this time, Liv," he told her. "This is different in every way and you know it."
Her lips parted as if she was taking a breath to say something and he waited with baited breath for her response. But she was at a loss for words. The fact that she was still standing close to him and let him hold her hands, gave him the last bit of courage he needed. He leaned in slowly, giving her every opportunity to back away. He heard a soft sound come from her throat just before he pressed his lips gently against hers.
Olivia's mind was a complete blank but her body was suddenly wide awake. She heard herself moan softly. Elliot was kissing her? She felt herself starting to kiss him back and then her mind kicked into gear again. He was kissing her. Elliot fucking Stabler was kissing her in the middle of the night in her living room. He loved her and he wasn't going back to his wife. A weird feeling engulfed her and all her synapses were firing up. Her hands moved up to his waist and Elliot's hands went to her back as he held her closer, never breaking the gentle kiss. His lips were surprisingly soft and he nipped her lower lip gently before running his tongue along it. Olivia moaned again and kissed him harder then. She felt hot and cold simultaneously and her body was moving on instinct, needing to be as close as humanly possible to him. To Elliot. He was in her arms at last, no longer a distant fantasy.
Elliot couldn't believe Olivia was actually kissing him back. He was reeling and when she deepened the kiss - she deepened the kiss! - he let himself fall into the moment. His headache was forgotten and he never wanted to let her go.
...
To be continued ...
One more chapter after this, I think.
