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The Borgias S3E10
Illumination Pt. 4 Because The Dagger Knows My Heart
When he gave himself over to the fact that his friend was indeed gone, Cesare took the torch from the wall and went to the kitchen. It was late by then; the cook and his apprentice had long deserted their duties for their quarters and the hearth and the room were cold. Cesare went to the cellar and retrieved a carafe of red wine; from the kitchen he gathered a loaf of bread, two goblets, a flask of water, a fine selection of fresh pears and a bowl of sultanas into a basket; he traded his torch for a small candelabra burning above the hearth and then went bounding upstairs to his sister in their suite.
He entered their room quietly, for Lucrezia was asleep; he set their repast on the desk in the anteroom; the water, wine and goblets he brought with him and set upon the bedside table. Lucrezia stirred in her sleep, aware then that she was blessedly no longer alone and looked up at him with drowsy eyes.
"How are you, my love?" he asked as he looked down at her, busying himself with the removal of his cloak.
"Happier, now that you have returned...I take back what I said before, Cesare..." she smiled at him.
"And what is that, sis?" he smiled back at her as he tossed his cloak on a nearby chair, then took his seat on the edge of the bed to face her.
"I would gladly say goodbye to you a thousand times, as long as I may greet you a thousand times in return, with a kiss upon these lips."
Cesare smiled at her and put his forehead to hers; he wanted to promise her that he would make it so but his heart made it impossible to allow his lips to utter such a lie to her; his squeezed his eyes shut tightly and concentrated on the feel of her warm skin against his own instead of the many worries plaguing him. "Have you been asleep long?" he asked her when he opened his eyes again to look into hers.
"Most of the day and evening...my body knows an exhaustion it has never felt before; not even bringing Giovanni into the world wrought this much exhaustion upon me," she said, her voice tinged with amazement.
"It is no wonder, sis...at least, not to me," he ventured softly at her. "I have brought food...maybe in concert with your long hours of sleep sustenance would now be the thing to help replenish your strength, yes?" Cesare poured a goblet of wine for her.
"Yes, I am parched..." Lucrezia sat up then and stopped him from his task, "for the feel of your lips upon me, brother."
"Oh?" he set the goblet down, "and where would you have my lips begin with you, sis? Here?" He pushed her gently back against the headboard and lowered the sheet over her naked body, following its trail with gentle kisses that led to the inside of her thigh, threatening to follow his course even further inward; he stopped abruptly and rose up slowly to look at her with a knowing smirk. "Or do other lips call first for my attention?"
"Gentleman's choice, dear brother," she moaned at him as she took a handful of his soft, long locks in hand and pushed his head gently toward the heaven between her legs; he stopped to look up at her again, a smile of pure and devilish joy upon his face, then happily obliged her.
"La novizia desires to know if Il Maestro finds her competent," she asked him after their third round of lovemaking.
"Well, sister..." Cesare began pompously of voice, as if he were an old man "I would say that you have great perseverance; the initiative you show—exceptional, young lady, exceptional, indeed...hmm..." he chuckled wickedly as he cocked one eyebrow and stroked his scruffy beard in self-satisfied contemplation.
Lucrezia laughed out loud at his comical impression that actually sounded more like their father in his best humor.
"You have most assuredly met mine, but would you say that you have met your own?"
"Met my own what?"
"Ambitions, dear lady, of course...hmm?"
"I have met your ambitions, Cesare?"
"Did you not hear evidence of it with your own ears all of these hours? I believe that was your initial goal, was it not?" Cesare's voice was his own again and very serious.
Lucrezia blushed her answer at her brother.
"This shyness you possess—it is more intoxicating than any wine, are you aware of that, sis? I speak words that you seem to find so unbelieving—how is that?" he asked her incredulously as he took her sweet face into his hands and made her cast her eyes back upon him instead of her wringing hands. "So beautiful, you are; so fair; so formidable—you are the best of us Borgia's and so misunderstood...so severely misused and still you hold your honor and bearing as regally as any Queen born to a throne. Are you really of this earth, Lucrezia? And are you really here, in my arms? How can it be that you are so unaware of how much you please me, sis? That will ever be a question for the ages..." he kissed her neck hungrily.
"Your words are kind and appreciated, but I am none of those things—except a Borgia; murderous; conniving—selfish..." she began through a little hiccup as she tried desperately not to give herself over to burgeoning tears as she pushed herself away from him.
"No sister, that is your father and your brothers and a bastard's bad luck of the draw..." he said as he took her by her arms and pulled her back into him. "You, of all of us, deserved so much better than this—you deserved a life of true happiness."
"And you as well, brother—I would have that for you, if it were within my power," tears were flowing fully then as she tried to look away from him.
"No, please don't cry...please," he begged her, his voice full of torment. "These two days have been the happiest days of my life—you have given me that, Lucrezia, and three more to look forward to...come on now, stop this crying, my love; the only way you could please me more is beyond our capabilities, for I would desire to live in a world where we could marry; live our lives in the open and grow old together."
"Yes, we've...we've... played that hopeless...hopeless little game before, haven't we?" she reminded herself sadly through her choked sobs. "So amazing that our mother...a...a courtesan no less, was so devoted to him that she bore him four undisputed bastards. Just think: my Giovanni could fall in love with a daughter of mine by another man and they could both fool themselves by calling each other cousin, then go on with their lives..." she tried to joke through her tears.
"Lucrezia, stop this—that's not true and you know it..." he reprimanded her lightly.
"They could..." her cries became more intense as he took her again into his embrace.
"They could not, sister...blood is blood, it would change nothing for them as it would have changed nothing for us. I will never apologize for my love for you..."
"Easy to do when you cannot openly declare it to the world to begin with, brother," she said bitterly.
"Lucrezia..."
"I'm sorry, Cesare—I did not mean that..." she began in horror at her own self. "A declaration to the world is not what I want, I just want to be free to want you...I just..."
"I know what you want sister and I take no offense for I want the same...you must ease yourself," he spoke softly into her hair as he cradled her.
"Yes, the only man on this earth that will ever understand me."
"And you are the only woman who will ever understand me, Lucrezia; I have committed many sins—I'm not even worthy of your love..."
"That is a lie..."
"It is not, but how I thank the Universe that you love me anyway, my Lady..." he turned her face up to his gently. "I have done horrible things and I regret much, know that; but within myself...within my heart—I will never regret you."
"Nor I, you, Cesare. I do not think, brother, that I'm doing very well at exorcising my love for you from my soul...I'm sure I was mad to think that I could..."
"No, not mad—only endeavoring do that which you thought was right; and we have not succeeded, have we?" he smiled sympathetically at her.
"No, we have not."
"Because that ambition was wrong, Lucrezia, not our love for each other. Don't you understand? You think we must survive each other, but we can only survive as long as we have each other; no matter that we may be apart or what other we may be with—as long as we are both in here..." Cesare took her hand and put it to his heart then took his and put it to hers, "...you are my strength, Lucrezia; you are my better half and my true love, always and forever, no matter what, no matter who, till death do us part and I would celebrate our love, not choose to exorcise it—that is a thing that is simply impossible for me to do; more impossible, even, than my love for you."
"My Cesare..." Lucrezia broke down completely then.
"Yes, your Cesare...and my Lucrezia...yes..." he murmured at her through his closed eyes.
"Cesare..."
"You need this cry, sister; you must get it out...for me...for Alfonso...for yourself."
"Oh, my God...Cesare..." she continued to sob into his chest.
"Your capacity to love is boundless, Lucrezia, just as my understanding of you is...and my love for you; I would not have either of us ever have to try and explain ourselves to each other, do you hear me? But as much as I want you all to myself I could never harbor ill-will toward a man who would dare to truly make you happy—I would be insanely jealous, of course..."
Lucrezia let out an involuntary chuckle. "No matter what my torment you manage always to make me laugh..." she managed before her crying jag reclaimed her.
"You must know...that what happened with Alfonso was a horrid accident, Lucrezia..." he managed finally, his voice full and raw and real remorse.
"Ah...you thought Alfonso was that man..."
"Wasn't he?"
"Let it weigh on your soul no longer, brother, please," she looked up at him then. "You are not Juan...and Alfonso was not you."
"But I am still so very sorry..."
"If I didn't know that we would not be here now. And thank you for that, brother, it means everything to me to hear you say and know that you mean it. I did love him, but not as he truly deserved. His torment was my fault alone. My marriage to Sforza was annulled—and so should the same favor have been done for that boy, the morning after you and I made love, Cesare; for my heart was gone from him then, completely; a true wife I was destined never to be for him. Father would have loved that one," she said as she wiped at her tears, her voice bitter again.
"He would have, actually—he had his sights set on an even better alliance before the ink on your marriage contract had cooled—before it had even been written, I dare say," Cesare grunted disgustedly. "To think of all you could have been spared..."
"Not just me, Cesare, all of us—do you never think of yourself?" she asked him exasperatedly.
"We've not been raised to..." Cesare's voice gave out then as he looked away from her and tried not to choke on the reality of his next words, "... to think of ourselves, Lucrezia." It was her turn to put her hand gently to his chin and turn his gaze back upon her.
"His worst crime against us, Cesare. We could run away and go somewhere we are not known...and be happy, at last...but it is impossible because as much as you love me his will leads you elsewhere and away from me..."
Cesare shot his gaze away from her.
"His will, that has always been confused with your destiny..." she said cautiously and softly of voice.
Cesare had been holding his breath tensely as he listened to her and expelled it upon a tortured, gut-wrenching grunt of confirmation. "Lucrezia, why would you plunge this dagger into my heart now?" his angry words exploded at her as he turned back to face her.
"Because I understand you! Because the dagger knows my heart, as well, Cesare! If we cannot have each other can we at least be free? I want your happiness, as surely as that means that I cannot have you, but I want you living and breathing and alive to enjoy it!" she cried out desperately at him. "Our father's will leads you to certain death..."
"The life of a soldier leads me to the possibility of an early death, Lucrezia," he corrected her angrily as he peeled her off of him and rose up and away from the bed. "A man knows that going in."
"He will not live forever, Cesare; we are in eminent need of seeieng to our own happiness, of carving something out for ourselves, independently of him, before the day comes that we lose the favors of his unstable influence..."
"You have that little faith in my ability, sis?" The insult registered on his face was breaking her heart.
"No, Cesare, you know better than that—I only have fear—fear of our many enemies, who will increase a thousand-fold at the moment of his last breath," she said delicately.
"That's what I'm doing, Lucrezia!" he railed at her. "I am the Duke of Valentois—Romagna is mine next! If you understand me so well then you will say not another word, Lucrezia Borgia, for I will leave this place—and you—and begin this destiny you believe that I've had no hand in carving out for myself—this very night!" He went about the room then, snatching up his clothes angrily.
"Cesare—where are you going?" Lucrezia tried to keep her voice calm but her throat was choked with the tears she was trying unsuccessfully to hold back. "Cesare?"
"I need air..." he managed to say through gritted teeth and then left without looking at her.
