Jonathan Crane looked up at his lover through tears, and was met with a murderous and hurt stare. "Why Johnny? Why did you do it?" Jonathan hung his head again, and continued to let his tears fall on to the bed they shared. He felt the Joker grab his hair, and he pulled Jonathan up. "Why?" he was shouting now. "I'm not good enough for you hm? Bruce Wayne has all the money? You're just a stupid screwed up little faggot? What is it Johnny?"
"I…I don't know," Jonathan stammered.
"Oh get a grip you sad, pathetic, whining…" Joker continued shouting words like this at Jonathan, tugging on his hair with each word.
"Please! Joker, please stop it, you're hurting me!"
"Hurting you?!" I've been cheated on, lied to, hell, my fucking boyfriend's been dressing like a woman for the past two weeks, behind my back and it's hurting you?"
"J…Joker I'm so sorry! I didn't mean it to go so far!"
"Why did you do it in the first place? You disguised yourself once, so you wouldn't get caught! Why carry on when you could go out as yourself?!"
"I…I felt. Oh it's hard to explain…" Jonathan had stopped crying now, but inside he felt himself breaking. You knew it would come to this, something said in his mind. Tell the truth at last. He deserves it. He took a deep breath. "Joker, please," he began, his voice calm now. "Hear me out. I dressed as a woman, like you asked me to. But I felt different when I did. I wasn't boring, serious Jonathan Crane, I was fun loving, sexy Jennifer Heron. I was accepted. People noticed me. I was fun. I was offered a job. I could dress in pretty clothes. I was someone else! I could live another life and not fuck it up, like I did with mine." Jonathan broke off and almost started crying again, but pulled himself together again. "I knew it wouldn't last forever. When Bruce Wayne asked me to lunch I took the opportunity while I could. I met him for lunch, and lunch only until tonight I swear. I didn't like how it was turning out anyway, he was really boring, and only wanted me for my body. Joker I only want you. Honestly. I…I love you…" He looked up into the Joker's face, to show he meant it, and saw the Joker's face soften. The hurt still showed in his eyes. "Now I just want to be Jonathan Crane again. Joker, I love the way you wipe my tears away. Hold me. I love the way you kiss. I-"
"Don't. Jonathan don't." The Joker growled, silencing him. Jonathan was taken aback.
"Oh…okay," he said, a little sadly. Inside he felt himself break a little more. Now was the time he wanted to be held most, but it wasn't going to happen. "Oh Joker. Bruce and I danced you and I danced! Then I realised we could have anyway if only I'd asked you. I'm so sorry. I truly didn't mean to hurt you. I was so selfish."
"Well the fact is, you did hurt me. More than you could ever know." The Joker sighed. Then his voice grew angry again. "You lied. I could have helped you. You're just a selfish little bastard!" he yelled, punching Jonathan in the face in his uncontrollable hurt and rage. Jonathan fell off the edge of the bed from the force of it, blood erupting from his lip. "Joker?!" he squealed in panic.
"That's right. You can scream and cry all you want Johnny, but nobody cares. Not even me, not any more. Go back to your precious Wayne," The Joker held up Jonathan against the wall, almost strangling him. The Joker dropped him to the floor. "Now get out. Out of my sight, out of my flat, just get out!" Jonathan grabbed some clothes and ran out into the street in terror, still wearing his red evening gown. He had seen Joker angry before, but not like this. The Joker had never hit him before. Physically, the Joker hurt him more when they made love, but the sharp sting hurt Jonathan more deeply. The ties were severed. It was over. Jonathan sat down on the pavement where he was, the words ringing in his ears. It was over. He was numb. Finally he stood up, put on the jeans and shirt he'd grabbed, and half stumbled to his own flat, on the other side of Gotham.
The key was there, where he'd left it last year, under the mat. He let himself in, surrounded himself with the familiar settings. He flopped down on his sofa, dangling his arms to the floor, not really registering anything, apart from an emptiness; in his house, in himself. Sleep took him. He woke much later, reaching to put his arms around the Joker, finding nothing, and remembering. "Oh Jonathan, you fool!" he shouted to himself, the sound echoing around the empty flat. He sighed, hopelessly. Jonathan looked at the clock. He was late for work. Well, he would be if he even had a job any more. He realised he had to admit the truth to the shop he worked in. He dragged himself from the sofa and wandered all the way to the makeup shop on the other side of town. He opened the door, and the young girl, Pippa smiled at him, not recognising him as a man. "Hello. Can I help you?" Jonathan took a deep breath.
"Look, Pippa," the girl's smile faded a little. "It's me. Jennifer. Except this is who I really am. I'm really Jonathan Crane. And obviously, I'm not a woman. I came to say sorry. And to ask…no beg you to let me keep my job. Please?" Pippa was speechless.
"Well…okay. That's a little…strange. But stranger things happen, especially in Gotham. You're a great worker um…Jonathan. I guess you can keep your job."
"Oh thank you! Thank you so much!"
"You'd better get to work then. I'll overlook your lateness today, but don't let it happen again." Jonathan laughed, and tried to forget about what had happened, working like he always did; smiling at customers, but still feeling himself breaking inside. There was a subconscious realisation that there would be no Joker waiting at home for him, no one would pin him against the wall and kiss him, no one would undo the fastenings on his clothes. No one would touch him.
Jonathan decided to go back to the Joker's flat, even if he knew the Joker wouldn't want him back. He needed to pick up some more clothes anyway, and at least apologize to the Joker. He could try. After work he traced the familiar path to the house, looking for the key in the plant pot, where the Joker had first put it. There was nothing there; the Joker had obviously moved it so Jonathan couldn't come back in. Jonathan had no choice but to knock on the door. He knocked and waited. Knocked again. Waited. Finally he heard footsteps, and the door opened a crack. Jonathan was once again looking into half the painted face of his soul mate. "I thought you'd be back. Clothes?" Jonathan nodded. "Wait here."
"Can't I come in? I want to talk to you,"
"There's nothing to say Jonathan. It's over. Or hadn't you worked that out?" The Joker closed the door again, and Jonathan heard footsteps going up the creaky stairs. Two minutes later, he heard them coming down again, and the door opened, fully this time. The Joker was holding a pile of clothes. "These are yours. I got rid of the women's clothes." He almost threw them at Jonathan.
"Joker I…I just want to say I'm sorry again. I love you. I mean it."
"No. Jonathan don't. Just get on with your life. I might see you around, might not," was all the Joker said before slamming the door for good. Jonathan sighed, and walked home.
He let himself in, hung up his clothes and collapsed on the sofa, his head in his hands. What did he have to live for any more? No friends, no lover, no reason to go out apart from to work, in a monotonous job; selling make up all day. But he would go on living this life. Carry on with the job, try and meet somebody else. And it turned out that he did. Four months passed. Jonathan made some friends; people he worked with, people he met at parties thrown by his workmates. He had a few boyfriends, but they never lasted long, a month at most. He lived on one night stands, but they made him ashamed. He felt dirty. He tried to forget the Joker, but he was always on Jonathan's mind. He had started going out at night, looking for the Joker, but only ever seeing his face on the news. Jonathan had only seen the Joker's real face once, and he never forgot the handsome features. Inside, Jonathan was still broken, and every time he saw the Joker, who had obviously forgotten him by now, on the news, he felt himself break a little more.
One night, after drinking a whole bottle of vodka (and another of lemonade with it), he let himself think about the past. About what he and Joker had shared. What he had lost. And why. He broke completely. He couldn't go on. The idea scared him, but he decided: if he couldn't live with the Joker, he couldn't live at all. He was going to kill himself. He threw the empty glass bottle across the room, where it smashed into several hundred pieces. Jonathan let himself out of his flat, and climbed the stairs, to the second floor, to the top floor, to the roof, and stood out in the open air, shivering slightly in only a t shirt and his underwear. "Are you happy now Joker? Are you? I can't live any more. And you know it! I think you always knew it!" he shouted to nobody in particular, his voice sounding pathetic, even to himself, in the empty air. He shuddered and walked to the edge of the block of flats. It looked a long way down. He closed his eyes, and tried to force his legs to move. To step into the air, off the solid stone. He couldn't do it; he was too scared. He was even more disgusted at himself. He wasn't even good enough to kill himself. Jonathan didn't notice the figure coming from the shadows. He felt a hand on his back; another grabbed his wrist. The hands pushed him. He fell, but only a little. The other hand was still firmly around his wrist. Jonathan dangled from the edge of the building, one hand desperately scrabbling for something to hold on to, feet scrabbling at the stone, looking for a foot hold, to climb back up. Tears of fear began to course down his cheeks. "Don't let me go!" he panicked at the stranger holding his wrist.
"No. I'm not happy Johnny," a voice floated down to him. "And I won't let you go. I already made you go."
"J…Joker?" Jonathan whispered in disbelief, still terrified.
"That's my name; don't wear it out," he replied, pulling Jonathan back up to the roof of the building, falling backwards when he pulled Jonathan over the top, the smaller man falling on top of him. Jonathan didn't get up, but held on to the Joker's shirt, sobbing now, out of fear, happiness to see his lover again, and sadness at the fact that the Joker would probably leave him again. To Jonathan's surprise, the Joker put his arms around Jonathan as well, pulling him into his chest, like he used to.
"Look at me." Jonathan looked up through tears, trying to blink them away. The Joker gently wiped Jonathan's cheeks with one slender finger. "Sh sh sh," he whispered.
"Oh Joker…" Jonathan cried harder.
"Come on Johnny," the Joker said gently. "Let's go inside; it's freezing up here." He pushed Jonathan off him, and helped him to stand up. He led Jonathan inside, pushing him onto his bed, and settling down next to him.
"I'm not dreaming am I? I did drink a lot. You're really here? You really held me?"
"Yes, I'm really here. You're a bad boy to drink so much Johnny; I saw the pieces of glass. A whole bottle? We could have shared it!"
"I thought you'd never come back. I need you Joker. I really do." At this, Jonathan sat up, and pulled the Joker up too, kissing him lightly. When he was sure it really was the Joker, he began to kiss him faster and more deeply. The Joker pushed him back onto the bed, kneeling above him, kissing back, gaining control. He finally broke away, but Jonathan pulled him back down, almost whimpering with desire and happiness. "Come here," he breathed urgently, raising his head a little to meet the Joker's mouth, almost biting in his hunger, holding on to the Joker, not letting him get away. He felt the scars against his own cheeks, and the Joker's hands sliding up his chest, underneath his t shirt. Jonathan quickly undid the buttons on the Joker's waistcoat and shirt, tearing them off urgently, letting his fingers move over the Joker's torso, almost scratching him. The Joker slid his hands into Jonathan's shorts and touched his erection gently, making Jonathan curl his toes and dig his fingers into the Joker's skin in pleasure. They both moved together, Jonathan whispering quickly "Oh Joker…I think I'm going to…" he came; over the tips of the Joker's fingers. The Joker took his hand from inside Jonathan's underwear and smiled, breaking from the kiss at last. He sat up and pulled Jonathan's top off, throwing it across the room, his own hard on growing. He turned Jonathan over, like he used to. Pushing Jonathan's underwear down, he entered Jonathan, quickly and roughly, using what was on his fingers, and a little spit, to help him. The Joker needed this as much as Jonathan, was as urgent and hungry as Jonathan was. He curled one arm around Jonathan's waist, still touching the other's erection. He laid across Jonathan's back, as Jonathan sat up slightly, and pushed himself deeper into Jonathan. Jonathan gasped, at the pain, at the pleasure, and came again. "You came twice? Good boy Johnny," Joker panted, throwing his head back as he came too.
He pulled away from Jonathan and flopped down on the bed, exhausted. Jonathan snuggled up next to him and began to gently kiss his chest. "One minute I'm a bad boy for drinking too much, then I'm a good boy for um…" he blushed. "Well, showing you what you do to me." Both men laughed. Jonathan's face grew serious again. "Joker, will you stay now? I honestly meant I can't live without you, I think you know that now. This isn't just a one night stand is it?"
"No Johnny." Jonathan's face fell. "It's not a one night stand. I need you too; I nearly went mad without you. I'm going to stay. If you can forgive me for being a complete bastard."
"You're forgiven. If you can forgive me for lying and cheating and…" The Joker silenced Jonathan with a finger to his lips.
"You're forgiven silly, I came back to you!" Jonathan rolled over and started kissing the Joker frantically again. The Joker kissed back, but they didn't go any further.
Jonathan sighed with pleasure at the kiss, but broke away after a couple of minutes, yawning, and curling up next to the Joker again, his breathing evening. The Joker smiled and whispered "I love you too Johnny," before falling asleep himself.
