Year Four

Sam turned over in the sleeping bag restlessly. The faint warm breeze washed over her and she scented the flowers that grew nearby. They had chosen to leave the tents down; the desert planet they were visiting was pleasant; no storms threatened. It was a perfect night for sleeping under the stars. In the moonlight, Sam caught sight of the faint mark on her palm from the burn she had received the week before. An unpleasant reminder that she had been taken over by an alien entity again; threatened the base again. She shuddered and buried her head in the jacket she had wadded up as a pillow.

She could only remember the barest details of what had happened after the entity had taken her over. Most of her memories were blurred, fuzzy. Flashes of being in the infirmary and Jack looking down at her with so much concern and fear in his eyes; with so much hate when he figured out it wasn't her. There was a flash of standing in the corridor with him pointing a zat at her; the sensation of being adrift, trying to speak and no-one hearing and finally, back in her own body and looking up Jack. It had been harder on him than her; he'd had to shoot her, had thought he'd killed her; that he'd lost her.

'I'd rather die myself than lose Carter.'

His heartfelt words during their za'tarc confessions came back to Sam. Of stating out loud that despite their ranks and the military relationship, that the impossible had happened and he loved her back. Sam closed her eyes tightly. She had already known; she had known it when he had looked back at her through a force-shield on Apophis's new ship and wouldn't leave her. He had loved her enough to die for her. It had scared her as much as it thrilled her and she had run from it; asked them both to bury the truth in the room where they had made their confessions.

But the fact was it kept bubbling over; rising to the surface. They had loved each other even when their memories had been altered and they hadn't been themselves; their love and care for one another had been the only truth that had survived. In some ways, she was content with that; with knowing that they loved each other even though they couldn't be together as a couple.

But this last incident…Jack had withdrawn from her and she couldn't blame him. The regulations were there for a reason; to protect people from the possibility of having to kill a loved one; to choose between someone they loved and the fate of Earth. No-one should have to go through that. Sam had done it with Martouf. She had pulled the trigger and killed him; he had been her friend and she had cared for him, still felt the underlying tug of a deeper love Jolinar had shared with the Tok'ra agent. So Sam knew how Jack was feeling; could put herself in his place, and she honestly didn't know whether she would have had the strength to pull the trigger and kill Jack to save Earth.

He had barely spoken to her in the aftermath; had checked in with her to make sure she was healing, had briefed her on the mission but he hadn't flirted with her since; hadn't teased her or bantered with her. It was as though Jack had decided he couldn't love her anymore; that he had flipped some switch internally to stop, and that hurt.

She shifted again, turning to lie on her back. She looked up at the endless black sky. There was hardly a star in the sky. The planet was in a remote area of the galaxy; its moon was the only other astrological body in the bi-solar system. It was more distant than Earth's moon yet the effect was to produce a gravity very similar to Earth's. Usually Sam could feel the minor differences when they were off-world but not this time.

Sam stared up at the moon. The constellation she and Jack usually searched for was missing. Intellectually she knew it just couldn't be seen from the planet they were on, that it was still out there in the galaxy, that she could look when she was back on Earth and she would find it. But its missing presence right there and then seemed to underscore the hopelessness of her love for Jack. The constellation was missing and Jack had made it clear in his own imitable style that he was moving on. She needed to do the same – she just had no idea how.

Her feelings for Jack had shifted over the past couple of years. It might have started out as a crush, a case of hero worship for him but it had deepened into something real. She knew instinctively that she wouldn't love anyone else quite as deeply or as completely. He made her whole. It was as though as long as she had him, she could do anything. She needed him; loved him; couldn't have him.

And he had felt the same way. She knew it like she knew her own name. She had felt it in every look, every touch. It wasn't a passing fancy for him; he didn't just look at her as though she as an attractive woman but as though she was everything to him, as though she was his Sun and moon. He hadn't looked at her like that since she had woken up in the MALP room.

He had made his feelings clear, Sam thought. Even if she resigned or asked for transfer, would he want her? The thought struck her like a blow to her gut and her eyes closed tightly against the pain. She wished she knew how to stop loving him as quickly as he had evidently seemed to stop loving her. She shoved the sleeping bag off abruptly and stood up. She made a gesture to Teal'c who had the watch to indicate that she was taking a bathroom break. The Jaffa nodded solemnly in reply. Sam walked swiftly around the ruins but instead of heading for the bushes she sat down on a fallen pillar and breathed in deeply.

The blossoms nearby were filled with a heady perfume and Sam raised her face up to the sky allowing the scent to fill her senses. She felt her body relax as she controlled her breathing. Everything seemed to be in sharp focus. The perfume was all she could smell and taste; her sight was filled with the sandy stones of the ruined temple, the deep green bushes and their orange and blue flowers. Her fingers gripped the rough stone she sat on and her skin warmed with the breeze. Her ears picked up the sounds of the bushes rustling, footsteps approaching. Her eyes snapped to the side.

Jack paused before he continued on and sat beside her. 'You've been gone awhile.'

Sam knew she should say something, get up and leave but she couldn't move. He was filling her senses like he always did. He looked tired; the lines that marked his face seemed deeper in the darkness and there were shadows under his eyes.

'Teal'c was worried. You know how he gets.' Jack scuffed his heels on the sandy ground and darted a glance at her. 'You OK?'

'I'm fine.' Sam bit her lip and wondered if he'd call her on the blatant lie.

'Your hand bothering you?'

She looked down and realised that she was rubbing her scarred hand with her good one. She halted the movement abruptly.

Jack cleared his throat gruffly. 'We should head back before Teal'c sends a search party.'

Sam nodded.

He stood up and offered her his hand. She slid her hand into his, and he pulled her to her feet. He kept hold of her hand as she went to pull away and she stilled, her breath caught in her throat as he examined the thin scar and the way it glimmered in the moonlight.

'That was a bad burn.' Jack said so quietly she wondered if she had heard him.

'It's OK.' Sam murmured, trying to comfort him.

'Right.' His thumb traced over her palm.

Sam felt her heart clench. 'Sir.'

Jack looked at her suddenly, capturing her eyes with his. For a moment, they didn't need words. Everything they felt gleamed from their eyes; love, regret, sorrow, heartbreak…it was over.

Sam blinked back tears.

Jack let go of her.

Sam watched him walk away. She brushed the tears from her cheeks swiftly and followed him.

To be continued in Year Five