Chapter 4: Listen Close I'm Screaming Beside
Oliver was left wide-eyed staring at the open space that Marcus occupied just moments before. His mind swam, torn between trying to recollect his thoughts and managing the hormones racking through his body. He was so fuming mad at this point in time he didn't think a naked all male review could make him cum. Infuriated and frustrated Oliver grabbed at his pants and boxers pulling them back into place. He grabbed his t-shirt on the way out of his bedroom, waving it around in the air as he spoke.
"What the fuck?!" Oliver boomed, slamming the bedroom door on his way out into the hallway. "Not like I wanted to cum… oh no, not me…. I just start jerking off because I wanted to stop and experience the worst case of blue-balls humanly possible!" Oliver adjusted himself as he spoke, emphasizing the situation. "And my face," he continued. "It was so kind of you to notice!"
Marcus knew Oliver was talking. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew it. Yet all he heard was a muffled and drowned out mummer. He couldn't focus on anything. He leaned against the rail; head in hands, letting the cold rain wash down his neck, seeping down his back. His eyes and face were on fire from trying to hold back the tears that threatened to burst free at any moment.
"I'm not a punching bag Marcus," Oliver continued his tirade into the living room. "I'm sick of this. I can't take you anymore. I can't take this relationship anymore." He laughed out loud at his own comment. "Can you even call this a relationship anymore? For the good sake of Godric, I feel like you just look right through me these days." Oliver passed back and forth, not even so much as glancing in the other man's direction.
Marcus was visibly shaking now, chocking back the sobs. You should leave him alone, let him go, you are too damaged for him. The words kept running over and over in his head.
Oliver couldn't stand it anymore. "Fine, if you are not even going to talk to me than fuck this and fuck you!" He stormed off toward the door intent on walking out, but part of him knew what was supposed to be coming. This is the way things worked; it was the gamed they played. They would fight, Oliver would threaten to leave, and just about the time he reached for the handle Marcus voice would pierce the silence with an "I love you". He knew it always went this way, that's why he played along. His threats didn't really hold much weight otherwise. He was to the coat rack and still yelling about how he was walking out. Oliver grabbed his coat and swinging it over his shoulder made a grab for the door handle. This is where you come in Marcus. He was greeted with silence. Oliver retracted his hand, debated for a moment, and reached for it again…. still nothing. "Come on Marc, come on" he grumbled to himself. He pulled his hand back and turned around to find Marcus still standing out on the balcony in the rain. Oliver sighed looking to the door again, and then back to Marcus.
That's when he noticed the other man shaking. He squinted, trying to focus more on his boyfriend. Oliver hung his coat back up and made his way out to the porch, picking up Marcus' discarded jacket on the way.
Marcus was so tuned out to the world that he didn't notice Oliver behind him until he felt the warmth of two strong hands and a jacket being wrapped around him. "Don't" was all he could manage to choke out. Oliver ignored him, laying his head on his lover's back. Marcus quickly withdrew, "I said don't!" He moved to the other side of the balcony, gripping the rail and staring out into the night.
"For Salazar's sake Marcus, what the fuck is wrong with you?" Oliver was yelling at the top of his lungs now, throwing his hands wildly around in the air. Marcus didn't answer. "Just…" Oliver paused. He turned his back to the other man, took a deep breath and turned back. He placed his hand on his boyfriend's shoulder and finished "just talk to me."
Marcus turned his head, looking into Oliver's eyes. This was the first time Oliver had gotten a good look at the other man in a few days. There were dark bags under his eyes and his skin was quit pale, contrasting with his dark hair and eyes. His hands were shaking slightly and he seemed quite on edge. He had seen him like this before, but never this bad. It wasn't that Oliver didn't know what to say to, he just couldn't. Even if he could find his voice what did one say in a situation like this? How did you tell someone everything was going to be fine when their pain so evident you could feel it yourself?
"I can't." Marcus could barley choke out the words, secretly hoping the night would swallow then up before Oliver could hear them.
"Why," Oliver took a step forward toward him. "Why can't you just talk to me?"
Marcus pushed himself off of the rail. "Because," he shifted his stare to the other man and then back away. "You don't deserve this. You don't need this from me." Marcus tried to make his way to the open French doors, but Oliver stuck out his left arm and stopped him. He wanted to keep walking, he really did, but Oliver wrapped his arm around him and he felt so warm and damnit, this was not going as planned.
"Talk to me," Oliver whispered into Marcus' ear before gently kissing him on the head. That was it, all strength, all will to hold out was gone. Marcus leaned into Oliver, letting the other man warp his arms around him. He stayed there, enjoying the warmth the other body provided, wishing he never had to leave that moment.
"Marcus," Oliver whispered again.
Marcus sighed and pulled away. It was now or never he guessed. He walked back to the rail, staring out into the night.
"My dad," Marcus started, suddenly finding it hard to swallow. "He… he…"
Fuck… how could he forget what day it was yesterday?! "He died," Oliver moved closer to the other man. "I know. I'm sorry I forgot what day it was yesterday I just-"
"That's not it," Marcus cut him off. "He didn't just die Oliver." He looked back towards his boyfriend, seeing the confusion on his face was too much and Marcus quickly shifted his gaze away. God, suddenly he felt so sick.
"What do you mean he didn't just die?" The bewilderment in his voice was so evident.
Marcus swallowed hard, trying to find his voice. He grip on the rail tightened with every breath.
Oliver stood there, motionless, waiting for something to be said… anything to explain what was going on here.
Marcus took one last breath, summoning up all the courage he could find to let the one person he loved the most in the world in when no one else had been, fearing what would happen once he was.
"Do you know what it's like to live in limbo?"
Oliver wasn't sure he understood the question.
"And it's not just with one thing ya know?" Marcus' tone was becoming increasingly desperate. "It's everything… it's in everything I do, everything I am. Everything feels like nothing and god why can't I just feel something other than this?"
"Marcus I..." Oliver shook his head, trying to show his frustration. "I don't understand what you are telling me."
Marcus sighed, and in a surprisingly come voice answered. "There is this thing," he looked to Oliver, hoping to find some kind of recognition of what he was saying registering across his face. "And it always right there, right in front of me, no matter what I do or how much I don't want it to be… it is always right there." Marcus reached out into thin air as if to demonstrate his point. "It's controlling and the older I get the more it fucking takes a hold of my life. I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't even fucking breathe because every time I do I feel like I am consumed by this thing! And it hurts Ollie, it hurts so damn bad."
It killed Oliver to see the man he loved like this when there was absolutely nothing he could do to help. Hell, he still didn't even know exactly what Marcus was talking about. Oliver racked his brain trying to make some logical sense out what he was hearing. The words rolled over and over again in his mind as Marcus kept on talking "controlling, can't sleep, consumed, nightmare" and then he heard a new one that made him jerk his head around and stare back at Marcus in disbelief….
"Murdered," Marcus almost choked on the word. "No one else cared and they just moved on and they didn't even tell me, I had to find out on my fucking own." Marcus was pacing now as the words franticly fell from his lips. "So I dig, I keep digging because there is more truth out there and you just never know what is out there. And it's like the closer I get to the truth the more I can feel this thing looming around me so I know I am close so I have to keep looking and it becomes this vicious cycle I can't get out of."
Oliver sat there, dazed, blinking rapidly trying to make sense out of the situation.
"Murdered, Merlin and they didn't even tell me."
There was that word again.
"My own dad," Marcus lowered his voice this time. "And they didn't even tell me."
