Finding History with your Flame

Chapter 4: Of Traditions and New Beliefs

written by: wrathie

Author's Notes: I'm a supporter of Equality of Genders.

I will update soon. But before that. There is a special one, time, deal. There will be an Omake for the next chapter, an utterly random one of my own whim. The first 5 reviews will get to ask the Author, me, any questions that they like and I will answer them to the best of my abilities.

The same goes to my other ongoing fanfic, 'The Shrine of Gensokyo' so for those who are interested, review guys~


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..Ancient Traditions has always placed females below males and I had long ago accepted that fact. Even for me, a half-youkai, I would have to follow those rules, being slightly oppressed by the dominant male society. Maybe that is why I am coldly treated by the majority of the males in the village while warmly welcomed by the females…

It is the sheer thought of a woman doing something equivalent to a Male's occupation, teaching and having the ability to be revered as the head of an established house that had them up in arms.

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Shocking was hardly the word I would use to describe the situation at hand. If I could, I would rather say that I am flabbergasted, speechless and… whatever words I could use to express how unexpected I was in the elder's proposal.

[A-A M-marriage?]

My voice reaching a higher range then I had expected it to, I covered my mouth to hide my embarrassment and shock at the bombshell that had just been dropped on me by the elder.

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[Of course… my son had admitted in taking a liking to you, Kamishirasawa.]

Nodding his head, he shook his head as he remarked to me.

[He is a foolish boy, all brawns but no brawns… lusting after woman as if they are his…]

Lowering his head in shame, the elder apologized to me as he explained himself.

[I would never have allowed this to happen… I am strongly against such a scumbag ever touching a quaint and beautiful lady like yourself… you do clearly have the right to have a better choice in the village.]

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Shaking his head, he did not allow me to say anything more by raising a hand up to stop me.

[It is the Kamishirasawa house that had made the decision after meeting up with my son… I… rather you talk to him to find the answer…]

Taking his leave, he closed the sliding doors that would separate me and him and left me alone to my very confused and unhappy thoughts.

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Marriage… this is something that I had not experienced even in the three generations before me…

Would it be nice… to fall in love?

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Wondering to myself, I guarded myself as I was reminded of the Village's elder's warnings. The young man is foolish and like a playboy, always searching for woman like they were his belongings and I would not want to suffer this fate.

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[…]

The sound of the sliding door closing signaled his arrival and to my surprise, I felt my heart beat a little faster when I saw his silhouette on the other side of the paper door.

[Kamishirasawa…]

His voice floated over to my side and I responded quickly, too quickly I reminded myself when I heard him laugh a little.

[Yes?]

[…]

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Silence befalls us for a moment as I felt a little uncomfortable to say the least. I was not mentally or physically prepared to meet him, not to mention even talking about this engagement that would literally tie me down to him for the rest of his life, not mine.

[I've heard a lot about you, Kamishirasawa… how you are the most intelligent and the most beautiful girl in the village.]

[…]

Listening to him phrase me, I was not impressed as I had heard the same lines before as he had tried to court other girls in the village.

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[It is said that no one can compare to the jewel of the Kamishirasawa clan, the most beautiful elder daughter ever… I was skeptical at first but when I first saw you, even if it is just a glimpse of you as you entered school, I felt my heart beat faster than I had ever done before… I… I do not know how to describe this feeling…]

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He was energetically talking at the other end of the screen and I studied him closely, wanting to discover his true intent in wanting to marry me.

Was it due to money? Was it due to true love?

All this, I must know…

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[I can only say that is true love… Kamishirasawa… I had not experienced something as vivid and powerful as the feelings I have for you now! I can run mountains for you… and believe me, I tried! I ran all the way to Youkai Mountain to pick the legendary suzuran flower…]

[That's poisonous!]

Breaking the screen door in my hurry to get the flower away from him, I took the flower and ran out the door with it before depositing it in the yard and burning it.

[…]

Breathing a sigh of relief when I was certain that the poison is not going to hurt anyone in anyway, I headed back meekly to the Elder's house, apologizing for what I had done.

Instead of being angry, I found the Elder's Son transfixed in looking at his hands. Looking at it as if it were a pair of his treasures.

[… I… I apologize for being so rude…]

Covering my face, I hurriedly ran to the other side of the screen door and slammed it shut, knowing full well that doing that was as useless as using paper to hide a fire.

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A woman should never be so disrespectful to a man and what I have just done is like a capital crime, even if what I had done had saved his life. If it was the older days, I would be hauled off to be beheaded without question and the man would be dishonored for life, allowing a woman to save his life.

[No… it's nothing like that…]

His words came slowly and hinted at his nervousness and excitement all at the same time.

[Your hands… it as smooth as I've imagined it… and you're beautiful… too beautiful that it took my breath away… I am just speechless… seeing you from a distance is nothing like seeing you face to face… it… it's…]

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Blinking in surprise, I felt the similar tugging feeling in my chest as he said such embarrassing words to me. The young man perhaps is truly infatuated with me to run all the way to the youkai mountain for me…

Love, perhaps as history said that it would, can really overcome all odds.

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[You're kind too… much too kind to even want to save a scumbag like me… a playboy like me… I am sure you heard of the rumors of me in the village…]

Shaking his head, I saw his head drop down in shame like his father but I could sense too, the strong emotions that he was expressing to me and it made me dizzier and dizzier.

[… you wouldn't want to marry a worthless man like me… but I promise, I promise that I would change! If you would give me the chance! I swear, upon my family name that I would change!]

[Eh!]

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From my side of the room, I was totally taken aback when I saw that the young man was on his knees and that he was bowing so deeply that his forehead touched the ground.

[W-Wait! D-Don't do that, I… I don't deserve such respect!]

Getting up, I pulled aside the screen door and I helped him back to his feet, his face flushed and panting uncontrollably.

[Please… I do not deserve this…]

Looking away, I blushed even more when his arms grabbed my shoulders and he forced me to look at his eyes, imploring me with all his might to give him a chance.

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[Please, Kamishirasawa! Give me a chance! I really do love you… the mere thought of you drive me insane… a moment without you is a moment of pain and suffering for me… So please… please give me the chance to prove my worth to you!]

In the room with a young man in love, I was at a loss to what to say and all I could feel was my heart beating faster and faster and my face growing redder and redder after realizing the close proximity we are to one another.

His eyes, so vivid in their emotions made me unable to say no and my mouth opened unwittingly, ready to say yes.

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[I… I…]

[Please, Kamishirasawa! Give me just one chance!]

Pleading with me again, it occurred to me how desperate this young man is to gain my favor and my affection as he had placed everything on the line, his family name, his honor and his life for me.

Such dedication… can I ever match that and love him in return him?

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Love is something that is taboo to me, never could anyone accept me for who I am, half human and half youkai… a paradox of nature. The youkai scorn me and the humans hate me…. I am always alone, unique in my little world.

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[E-Even if I do not appear what I seem to be?]

[?]

[… there are things about me that… are different…]

Looking away from him, I slowly pushed him away as I shuffled nervously, my hands clutching themselves in my nervousness.

Would he accept me for who I am? Maybe… just maybe I would get the chance to fall in love… just once..

[Would you accept me?]

[Y-YES of course! I love you, everything part of you Kamishirasawa! I am willing to accept all of you… everything about you… that is a vow I swear on my family name!]

[… ah…]

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Lowering my head, I felt happy, truly happy that something like this has happened to me. Like much of history, it is like the blessing from the calamity… something good out of something bad…

[…. ….]

Turning to face him again, I once more looked at his features and decided that he really is a little handsome and cute.

[Everything of me?]

[yes… everything of you, Kamishirasawa! I would go to the ends of the earth for you… I… I want to share my life with you, not you share my life with me…]

[T-Then I…]

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[I would protect you from those despicable youkai so that you would live in peace!]

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[!]

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Looking away in horror, I realized my happiness was short-lived and I broke out in cold sweat.

[… ah…]

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Youkai will forever cause disasters… Humans will never trust youkai…

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[…]

Sensing my obvious disappointment, the young man paused and waited for my answer to his pleadings, his arms still trembling on my shoulder.

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[… I'm sorry…]

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Hearing my apology must be a bombshell for him as he just froze and slowly, his head dropped and his fingers withdrew from mine as I stood up and excused myself, biting my lip and trying not to cry.

[… give me some time…]

My words signaled a little hope for him and I felt a little better for him as he nodded his head and shouted.

[Give me a chance, Kamishirasawa!]

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As I ran towards my home, the tears finally flowed freely and I felt sadness like I've never experienced before.

They said that getting over one's first love is the hardest of all but it is even harder when the chance for happiness was rudely and prematurely snatched away from me before it can begin.

I hate my lineage and hate myself for who I am…

If I could, I would just like to have a chance to fall in love… even if it was a day…

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For that glorious one hour, I had felt that love might indeed be possible for me but in the end, it proved to be an elusive search before it had even begun…

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[… …]

Another weird thing is that, the emotions that I felt when he was staring straight into my eyes, the same tightening of my chest was identical to what I felt when I met the Immortal girl in my secret retreat…

[… should… I go and see her, tonight?]


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Without realizing it, I was on my way out of my home, drifting like a ghost as I reached the forest. I had barely cleaned myself up and I was sure I was looking very ragged and torn-up. Still, I hoped that at least she would understand me, a human with the powers of a youkai… my pain of never being able to live with humans peacefully, never allowing myself to be close to humans in fear of their rejection.

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As it was not the full moon, I was part-human and part youkai and as I reached the secret spot, I felt my chest tighten and I smiled in anticipation when I smelt the tell-tale sign of burning clothes from the vicinity.

She was here and she probably had taken resident in the little corner by accident a month ago when I was away from the elusive spot away from humans.

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Taking small steps so as not to alarm her, I peeped from behind a tree and I was promptly rewarded with the sight of her sitting on the same spot as she did a few weeks ago. She was staring up at the night sky with a passive face that betrayed nothing beside utter calmness.

[H-Hey…]

Calling out to her, I smiled gingerly at her when her neck snapped back to look at me.

[I-]

Before I could finish my sentence, she had stood up and bolted away into the forests, not even stopping to look back as her retreating form was swallowed by the forest and in a matter of seconds, I could not see her anymore.

[Ahh…]

Forlornly, my hand dropped and I lowered my head in disappointment.

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She must not have realized that it was me those few weeks ago and I could not blame her. I look quite different when I am human and when I am youkai. My horns and my eyes are my most distinctive features but one more thing was that I grew more, my shoulders beefing up slightly that made me look more beast-like than human.

In my human form, I am petite and a perfect model of a lady in her mid-twenties.

The differences were great and I do not blame her at all… even so, what she did was like a sword cutting through me and it felt intensely painful.

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Why would I felt so much pain when I was rejected by her? Was it due to the fact that she is the only person in the world that I believe would actually know how I felt?

Or was it another feeling altogether, just like the elder's son's affection towards me…

Was it something so strong and simple that it had escaped my attention?

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[… no… the both of us are girls after all…]

Shaking my head, I dismissed that incredulous idea and decided that perhaps she was too afraid of humans to avoid me, a human that chanced upon the spot by accident.

[…]

Raising my head, I sighed and just shook my head before taking my usual spot in the grassy spot. The wind blew against my face and I slowly relaxed and laid on my back, staring at the stars once more.

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Ancients had once fixated their eyes on the stars as well, asking themselves whether gods and goddesses live in the heavens. Now as history has proven, calamities has been more or less been signified by heavenly bodies.

The rain creating floods, the sun creating droughts, the appearance of a comet as a bad omen, shooting stars signifying the death of someone important to you…

As I watched the heavens, I prayed softly for perhaps the first time in my life, praying that at least someone in the heavens would hear my call…

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History teaches me, history shows me what to do, but…

History does not show me my fate…

History does not show me my future…

Let me… please, under the skies… can I make one selfish wish…

Even if I have to sacrifice something dear to me…

Even if it might cost me my life…

Let me meet the person who would show me my purpose to live in this world…

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Author's Notes: Everyone has the right for love, even if you're lonely. Even if you're different. Even if it is impossible.

Even if it is only once. Even if it's only temporary...

Even if it will never last...

Even if it will kill you.

Even if it will mean giving up everything.

Just remember, that you deserve to love.