As I said in the last update…. I'm really drawn to writing this right now.

Just a little warning, this chapter does contain talks of both rape and self harm. If you're sensitive to either of these subjects, PLEASE don't read, or skip over those parts. PLEASE!


Rollins POV


"Okay, Rollins go talk to her, I'll be out to join you in a second." Olivia says to me, obviously aware that I want to be involved in this case, regardless of the trauma it is causing for me. I stand slowly, cautiously, not wanting to go dizzy like I did a few minutes ago.

Leaving Olivia's office I head into the squad room, dumping the half empty bottle of water down on my desk before greeting Elena.

"Hello Elena. Let's go somewhere more quiet." I tell her, doing my best to hide the sourness of my mood from the vulnerable young girl as I do.

Elena nods at me and we make our way in silence to the family room. I motion for Elena to sit down on the couch and sit down beside her, being sure to put a little distance between us. Neither of us says a word, we just sit, both lost in our own thoughts I'm guessing from the pained expression on the girl's face. My face probably mirroring her look. A few minutes later, Olivia walks in, she doesn't say anything to start with. No doubt trying to figure if she's interrupted something or if we were just sitting here. Eventually she speaks.

"Hi Elena." Olivia says, her tone soft and caring, the voice she reserves just for victim interviews.

Elena doesn't respond, and I don't bother to cut in for her either.

"How can we help Elena?" Olivia asks. At this point I stop listening, completely switching off to my surroundings. I stare straight ahead, desperately trying to suppress the memory that is trying to surface from deep within my mind.

It's no good, I can't stop this from happening.

My sick mother turned in early, the cancer riddling her body too much to handle today. She's getting weaker by the day, a combination of the illness itself and the treatment for the cancer taking its toll on her fragile body. She's only thirty four. Thirty four and there's nothing the doctors can do. My mother and stepfather told my brother, sister and I today, she's probably going to die. And probably soon.

I stay up late, mindlessly staring at the TV, not even paying attention to what is playing. The only thought in my head is that soon enough, I'm going to have no parents and two younger siblings to take care of. I'm only thirteen myself, there's absolutely no way I'm ready for that kind of responsibility. We'll probably end up in foster care, we may even end up separated. The hate for my father rises up from deep within me. If only he had been a better man, a bigger man. If only he had chosen his family over alcohol. If only he hadn't smacked my mother around, maybe I wouldn't be looking at the worst possible fate for my siblings.

Continuing my staring match with the TV, I feel the weight change on the couch. My stepfather sitting down beside me. I never alter my gaze. Suddenly he places his hand on my knee and I snap. My small first flying into the side of his face. Of course, he just laughs at me, throwing me to the floor.

I suddenly snap back to the present. My lieutenant holding her face. Shit, what have I done. My thoughts stall. I can't have just hit her, I can't, Can I? Shit. I stand and turn practically run from the building, not even bothering to stop to grab my jacket. I only stop when the fresh autumn air hits my face as I exit the building. I keep moving, needing to get as far away from the precinct and Olivia as possible.

My legs keep moving, my mind completely frozen with horror as I make my way through the streets of Manhattan. Instinctively making my way home without any thought. That is until I arrive outside the bar just around the corner from my apartment.

Without any thought, I enter the bar, sitting on an empty stool. I order my usual neat whiskey. Telling myself I don't need it, I just want it. I down that glass, signalling the bar man to top me up, repeating the same with the second. My mind beginning to run away with me again.

Lying on the floor of the living room where I've just landed thanks to my stepfather. I stay still, laying my head back against the floor. I'm all to aware of the consequences of my actions. I shouldn't have hit him. It's only going to end up worse for me.

I see my stepfather stand from the corner of my eye. He's angry. It's written all over his face. He doesn't say anything though. Before taking the step towards me, he unbuckles the belt holding his jeans up. I close my eyes, taking a shaky breath.

"You make any noise, I'll kill you." He tells me. I know from the anger in his voice that he means it as well so I say nothing. Frozen with fear.

He drags my trousers and underwear down my legs, a tear escaping from the side of my closed eyes. I'm a fairly smart kid, I know the enormity of what's about to happen. But in my mind, clamping my eyes shut makes it less real. Less painful.

I feel my stepfather move to kneel beside me. Even with my eyes clamped shut, I can feel where he is. I whimper quietly as his hand slides up the inside of my bare thigh, his fingers coming into contact with my core. His touch causing me to flinch. I don't want this but I'm powerless. His knees appear either side of my head.

The shock of the new position causes my eyes to fly open, only to see my stepfather lowering his erect penis straight towards my mouth. I try to fight him off but I'm pinned. His cock entering my mouth. Deep into my throat as I struggle to hold back my gag reflex. I stop fighting him. There's no point, I'm stuck.

He lowers his upper half, effectively stopping any movement from me, using his torso flush against mine, his mouth coming into contact with my own core. His tongue escapes his mouth, swiping sporadically along my folds. His hips thrusting his penis in and out of my mouth the whole time. He continues until his is finished. My mouth full of his seamen. Using the tiny amount of strength I have, I push at his stomach, trying to get him off of me.

As soon as I'm free to move, I go straight to the kitchen. Spitting his slimy fluid from my mouth into a sink full of dirty dishes.

"Hey. Get out of my bar." The bar man shouts at me, pulling me back to reality. Whiskey dripping down my chin. I suddenly realise I've probably just sprayed my drink everywhere from my mouth.

"Sorry." I mutter, throwing some screwed up bills from my pocket on the bar and leaving. I round the corner, heading straight to my apartment. I need to be alone. Clearly my mind is acting out my thoughts. Hitting Olivia, spitting my drink out. I can't trust it right now.

I climb the stairs and open my apartment door, locking it behind me. Instinctively I head to the kitchen, looking for one of the stashed bottles of whiskey I have hidden. It suddenly hits me that for the first time in months, there's no empty bottles lying around, no empty takeout containers, no dirty dishes. Olivia did that, and I didn't even notice this morning when she was here. I didn't even thank her, instead I punched her in the face.

Foregoing the whiskey, I head straight to the bathroom. Looking for the other release I so often crave. It's more likely to help right now. I need to forget. I need the release. I need the pain.

Finding exactly what I'm looking for in back of my toiletry cabinet, I pull out the little jewellery box. The black box that houses my darkest desire. My oldest friend. I fiddle with the box. I want to open it, but I know once I do, there will be no stopping myself. It's already hard to hide the tonnes of scars marring my body, adding more isn't going to make that any easier.

I sit myself down on the tiled floor of my bathroom, leaning back against the edge of my bath. The black box toying between my fingers. I take a shaky breath, lifting the lid. The sharp blade coming into clear view. I take the blade from the box, twisting it between my fingers. Playing with it, trying to calm my head just by holding it. It never works like that, but it's a ritual, a routine. I have to do it.

Bringing the blade to my forearm, I hold it there, watching the skin dent with the pressure I'm applying. But I don't move. I wait. I need the calm, the calm that washes over you right before you do it. Doing this angry, worked up, it's dangerous. It leads to hard to hide scars, deeper cuts, more cuts. I need the calm.

Dragging the blade slowly, I feel the sting, I see the blood. Instantly I feel better, relieved. I move to make a second cut, but there's a banging at my door. That drags me back to earth.

I stand. Not really knowing what to do with myself. I haven't got time to cover the fresh cut on my skin. Instead I pull my jacket back on as I make my way to the door. I check the spy hole, sighing. It's Olivia. Again.

Maybe if I ignore her she'll go away and leave me alone. But in reality I know that won't happen.

"Rollins, answer the door." She shouts from the other side before banging on the door again. How long is it acceptable for me to let her stand there knocking before it will annoy my neighbours?

"Amanda, come on. I'm worried about you." She says, softer this time.

"If you don't answer the door I'm going to kick it in." Ok that does it. I fling the door open.

"Seriously Lieutenant, what do you want?" I almost shout at her. One hand on the door, the other on the opposite side of the doorframe. Completely blocking the entrance to my apartment.

"I am worried about you." She says matter of factly. I don't say anything, I just walk away. Throwing myself down onto the couch. My elbows on my knees as I lean forward. She makes no effort to enter my home, clearly sensing that I don't want her there.

"I'm fine. You can go." I tell her bitterly. But she doesn't, instead of leaving, she invites herself into my home. Closing the door behind her. God, it's going to be a long ass night. She moves across the apartment, away from the door and towards the chair next to my couch.

"Amanda, you're bleeding." Olivia says. Talk about state the bloody obvious. I just grunt at her, not even bothering to be nice or understand what she's doing here any longer.


So that's chapter was a pretty tough write and I'm sure it's been a difficult read as well. I really hope people are enjoying the storytelling though. Hit review please and thank you x