AN: Okay. Thank you guys for the reviews. :) This is the second to the last installment. I wasn't sure if I wanted to write it completely angsty, so I decided against it. It's not entirely sad. More like bittersweet. :) This is set in the crossover episode, so I tried to write the part where they actually sing the song. :) Anyway. Thanks for reading! :D
- I own nothing
Prompt: "And she would breathe the life back into me"
Addison sat across from him, her short hair falling a couple of inches below her ears, emphasizing her jaw line. In all the years he'd known her, he'd never seen her hair this short, and he couldn't help but that think that it suited her. She was beautiful that way- she seemed more relaxed, more vibrant and youthful and glowing. It was the most laidback he'd seen her in a while. She was different somehow, more than just the haircut and the apparent glow, although he should have expected that. LA had changed her, and it appeared to be for the better.
She had told him earlier about how she had confined him to a box. When she had begged him to save Archer, to be a God and save the only man who has ever remained constant in his life, she had told him she had kept him in a box after the divorce. He wasn't expecting it, but it pained him to know that. The knowledge that he was significantly reduced in her head had made his heart ache just a little more than was necessary. He didn't want to be confined in a box. He wasn't petty or inconsequential or nothing special. He was her husband, damn it. Well, ex-husband now, but he cared for her profoundly. And if he were honest enough with himself, he'd admit that a part of him still loved her. Maybe not enough to keep them together, but enough that it hurt to see her this way.
And when he had walked into Joe's bar, and she told him he had been a God but that she needed to make him tiny again, to fit into the box, well, that pained him too.
They were talking about his surgery now, the craniotomy he had to perform when he was whisked away abruptly from her company. He tried not to think about it, but he felt both pained and at ease with her. The eleven years they had spent married to each other had created in him a lasting gravitation towards her, so much so that it rendered him helpless sometimes, but completely willing to give up his defenses.
Absently, he noticed the way Addison tucked a stray lock of hair behind her ear, smiling up at him comfortably. In the dim glow of Joe's bar, she looked like she could have been a fantasy—that despite the turmoil that came with her brother's life being in total jeopardy just earlier in the day, she managed to look beautiful.
He'd meant to tell her about Meredith and the engagement he was planning, meant to tell her about the ring, and in fact meant to do a lot of things when it came to her because she was still a magnanimous part of his life. But Mark had beaten him to it. Besides, he didn't really know how or where to start. He didn't know how to tell his ex-wife that he was planning to remarry, didn't even know if there was such a courtesy. But he owed her that much, even owed it to himself to tell Addison about it personally. Their relationship remained more complex than a simple friendship.
From the corner of his eye, he saw Naomi, Sam and Mark come up to their table, smiling as if they were planning something devious.
"Had his mitral valve gotten too thick," they sang almost drunkenly.
"Oh, God," he heard Addison say with a laugh.
"Shut up," he said good-naturedly, sighing and looking down in an attempt to look annoyed.
"Is that what made our cadaver so sick," they continued, Mark's voice singing a pitch lower than Sam and Naomi.
He cringed inwardly at the memory, closing his eyes as if to block out all the sounds around him, and the remembrance of Addison's reaction to the song.
"Oh, but we can't the chorus," Naomi explained, still standing adjacent to their table. "Come on," gesturing grandly with her hands.
"We get all the way to the second verse," Sam said, looking at Addison for some help. "Your name starts the chorus. Your name.."
Naomi nodded emphatically. "Yes, yes."
Addison flashed Derek a look before she took a deep breath, only acutely noting Sam's expectant gaze. "Addison Montgomery," she sang, gesturing with her hands.
Derek shook his head, smiling, his eyes wistful. She looked so playful as she sang, and for a moment he was transported to that time of place in their life together when everything was rainbows and butterflies.
"He met her in the summery," Addison continued, swaying her hands as she sang. The sass in her voice was ever present, and she looked at him with a wide grin.
"It wasn't summery," Derek protested, smiling as he explained it to Addison. He was aware the equally wide grin Mark had on his face, no doubt remembering the day they wrote the song together. "I'd never use summery as a noun," he paused, remembering the lyrics. "I met her… in the summer she" he explained.
"Oh, summer she.. Really?" Addison asked incredulously, somehow not remembering that. Maybe it was because everyone was cheering on so loudly while Derek was singing it at their wedding, or maybe because she was too preoccupied with Derek actually singing a song for her, but she never really noticed the lyric. She'd gone through the eleven years married to him without even knowing the lyrics to her own song.
"Yeah," Derek nodded emphatically, an understanding expression on his face as he watched Addison's face contort into one of amazement.
A look of recognition crossed Naomi's features, and she started to sing again, later joined by the two men flanking her sides. "She was cutting up a very dead body," Naomi smiled.
Derek watched them, trying to hide his amusement. "This is why I don't stay in touch," he explained good-naturedly.
Naomi laughed, taking a sip of her drink.
"And in her eyes I saw my life," Sam sang, bouncing slightly as he continued with the words he knew only by memory.
"I knew that she would be my wife," continued Naomi.
Derek cast his eyes down, a small, almost undetectable frown gracing his lips. He wouldn't let them show how the song was affecting him now, because he wouldn't admit, even to himself, that it still made him the slightest bit sad.
And now Mark joined them, still holding his drink with his other hand. "And she would breathe the life back into me."
Addison cast him an understanding smile, that same smile that let him know she was touched, or that she was feeling something emotionally but she couldn't quite explain how it felt. Her chin rested on her knuckles, and she almost looked like the doting wife who was trying to comfort her husband that was being teased mercilessly by his friends. He glanced back up at his friends, avoiding that look.
"From everyday until eternity," they continued, letting their voices die down in a gradual fading of notes, until all that was left was stillness.
An awkward silence befell then, as if they all suddenly realized how fast time had flown, and how different they had all become. They'd all changed, and that realization was less than comforting. Nothing was simple anymore. Sam and Naomi were divorced. Addison and Derek were divorced. All of them were moving on, and just... It wasn't the life they had dreamed of as naive medical students.
Derek glanced at Mark, who gave him a curt nod. From the corner of his eye, he could see Addison, staring at him wistfully and fondly and meaningfully. They were thinking the same thing. For a moment, he allowed himself to think that Addison was just as sad and regretful as he was.
How did they get there? They were screwed up, and they never thought they'd get to that point in their lives when everything they had shared was just a mere memory. When he looked at her, as in really looked at her, he could feel his heart ache slightly, the small smile formed on his lips a sad reminder of their past. And as their friends sang a song he had written to show Addison she meant the world to him, she seemed to him like maybe she still needed him in her life.
Another wave of pain and regret and wistfulness overcame Derek, seeing Mark's supportive hand rest on Addison's back. She firmly planted her hands on the table and smiled up at Mark appreciatively. It was with that gesture that he realized entirely what Addison and Mark were to each other—that despite the pain they had put each other through, they were still the best of friends. Maybe not in the most conventional of ways, but they loved each other. That realization just made him sadder. How could Mark keep his friendship with her when even the very thought of being friends with a woman he was so hopelessly in love with was a Herculean effort?
And then without warning, as if sensing the tension and wanting to break it, Sam belted out the last line in the way Derek had at their wedding,
"Or until I'd be as dead as that body," he sang, crouching down comically.
Mark tried doing it too, gesturing with his hand, causing all of them to laugh and Derek's eyes to widen.
"Yeah, you got it," Sam told Mark proudly, letting their glasses clink.
The sound of laughter filled the air. The sound was familiar—something he had shared with the same group of people countless times in the past, when he was younger and his dreams too big. He allowed himself to pretend, for a little while longer, that he was still Derek Shepherd, dating the beautiful Addison Montgomery, sharing a beer and a multitude of stories with friends he knew he'd keep for the rest of his life. But even then, it was only an illusion.
Later that night, Derek found himself in his car, thinking about the stupid song. He honestly hadn't heard it in years, hadn't thought of it in years even, but he was certain that when he wrote the song, he meant every word of it.
When Nancy and the rest of his friends had stopped teasing him about, he was nothing short of relieved. They had teased him without fail for a good two years after the wedding, bring the memory up in the most inconvenient times.
But whenever his sisters thought of bringing the song up to make Derek squirm, he'd look at Addison and she'd flash him a reassuring smile. The smile said everything— that she appreciated the song, that she didn't think it was all too cheesy, and that she recognized the sentiment behind the words. And that was enough for him. So when the relentless teasing stopped, the comforting look Addison used to give him over it ceased as well. But Addison wore that same look tonight, except this time it was tainted with regret and sadness and pain, knowing full well that he put some of that in.
But the love was still there, and that confused him even more. Because no matter how happy he was with Meredith, Addison was still Addison and she'd always be an indelible part of him.
So without second thought, he swerved his car to the right, making a sharp turn in the direction of Addison's hotel. He needed to see her, not just to reassure her, but to find reassurance from himself as well. They barely had a moment to themselves the entire day. Maybe it wasn't the most appropriate thing to be in one's ex-wife's hotel room almost two hours past midnight, but he didn't care.
Thirteen minutes later, he found himself knocking on her at an ungodly hour. It was well past two in the morning, and he hadn't had a decent sleep in two days. But as previously concluded, he didn't care.
He heard the shuffling of feet behind the door, and then readied to put on an apologetic smile as the door opened revealing Addison in her hotel robe.
"Hey," he greeted, shifting his weight to his left foot and stuffing his hands into his pockets. "I realize it's late but, and we've been together all night but—"
Addison cut him off with a shake of her head and then opened the door wider for him. She was almost expecting him to come. That stupid song being brought back up had triggered some painfully happy memories for her.
Derek stepped in and shut the door behind him, noting how Addison's clothes from that day were piled neatly on the desk. "I'm sorry. I know you must be tired. I didn't realize how late it was."
Addison looked at him and nodded, walking to the mini bar and grabbing two wine glasses and the bottle of wine. She knew how this conversation was going to go, and she was going to make it less painful for the both of them with the only thing that had helped her before—alcohol.
"You okay?" Addison asked, handing him one of the glasses and eyeing him a little skeptically.
He shrugged before accepting the glass, laying it on the coffee table then proceeded to take his shoes off. He set them beside the table and sat down on the couch, beside Addison. As if by nature, he draped his right arm on Addison's shoulder and pulled her closer to him.
Breathing in the scent of her hair, he kissed the top of her head.
"How'd we get here, Derek?" she asked softly, unable to meet his wistful gaze. She wasn't pulling away from his embrace, but she was conflicted. She had been fine in LA. She thought she had successfully eradicated every reminder of Derek in her everyday existence by putting him in a tiny box and shoving him to the very back of her head.
But now, with the reawakening of the damn song and the damn memories she had fought so desperately to forget, she wasn't sure about anything anymore. She was left to wonder the one thing she didn't want to because she knew it would only serve to rehash more memories, and inevitably more pain.
Derek sighed heavily, his voice equally soft. "I don't know," he said earnestly, his arm pulling her a little closer to him.
A momentary silence consumed them both before he extracted his arm and opted to lace his fingers through hers as he leaned back on the couch.
"I miss you sometimes," he admitted, whispering, as if afraid that someone else might hear him and accuse him.
It was Addison's turn to sigh, but she kept her gaze intently on their intertwined fingers.
"Yeah," she agreed, resting her head on his shoulder. "Me too," she stated honestly, somehow not fully grasping the idea of admitting something she hasn't come into terms with until that moment.
They stayed that way for a good while, Derek caressing Addison's hair, kissing the top of her head once in a while, drawing comfort from her mere presence. And when he decided he'd had enough pretending he was okay, that he was content with just the silence, he lifted his head from resting on top of Addison's and frowned.
"For the record Addie," he said softly. "When I wrote that song, I meant every single word."
She lifted her head up too and met his gentle gaze. "I know you did. I never doubted that."
Her voice was tired, as if she'd been fighting for something futile all her life. She seemed ready to give up, like she was cheerless and needed more than just good company and good memories.
"I still love you," he said truthfully, knowing in his heart it was true. Addison was still the love of his life, even through all the pain they'd inflicted on each other. In spite of the divorce, of his current relationship with Meredith, of being 3000 miles apart, he still loved her.
Addison nodded and looked at him with her poignant eyes, offering him a small smile of understanding. She was the only person who could ever understand Derek's sentiment, and the messed up and severely complicated place in which he stood. "Me too."
She paused for a moment and then continued. "But we're in a good place now. Derek. We may not have ended up together in the way we had planned on doing, but we're okay."
Derek returned the sad smile and then leaned in slowly to kiss her chastely on the lips. When he pulled away, he watched Addison keep her eyes closed in an attempt to savor the moment. Then she opened her eyes, smiled up at him warmly, and nodded curtly.
"We're in a position where we can love each other without hurting each other," she said, knowing that was a good thing. "You're happy, and I'm trying to be happy, and we just... where we are is good."
He nodded, agreeing, a melancholy expression settling itself on his face. "We're in a good place," he confirmed. He may not have Addison as his wife now, but he had her in so many other ways. He wished he never lost her, or lost sight of her, but she was right. They were in a good place.
"I never told you," Addison continued, sitting up straighter on the couch but keeping her hand in Derek's, "that I have a favorite line."
He cocked his head to the side and raised his brow. He knew she was talking about the song. "I used to think it was the line with your name," he said, smiling. "Summery," he teased.
Addison rolled her eyes. "Shut up," she laughed, playfully hitting him on the chest. "The hall was loud and I could barely hear that part," she reasoned.
"Thirteen years later, and that's the excuse you're giving me?" he asked, not that he was keeping exact track of the number of years he and Addison would've been married. But he shook his head inwardly. Who was he kidding?
"Well, it's true. I've been singing it in the bathroom for eleven years, you never bothered to correct me."
Derek laughed, stroking Addison's hair as he did so. "I'm sorry," he apologized, still sporting a grin. "But you were saying? About your favorite line?" he prompted.
Addison turned serious again, and the same wistful mood settled between the two of them easily.
"It was... And she would breathe the life back into me."
Derek had to close his eyes, finishing the line in his head. From everyday until eternity. For some reason, that made him all the more downhearted, at least for a moment.
Addison didn't need to explain why it was her favorite line. It was understood.
"You still do, Adds," he whispered quietly.
Addison smiled at him appreciatively, a minute amount of relief flowing through her. "Good to know."
ONE. LAST. :)) I wonder. Do you guys want the bittersweet ending or the happy one for the last installment? I wrote two but I can't really decide. I'm thinking of posting both, but that would make this a 6-part telling, and that's like false advertising. LOL. :)) Let me know what you think! Thanks, guys!
