He stood there with such confidence in his features. His blonde hair refracted the light. In it, he glowed. It'd been weeks since the last time they had seen each other. The features on his face were jaunting; his eyes stared with a confident air.
Tai missed this. The time they had been able to share. Those weeks had been filled with such emptiness. He had dreamed, and he had choked on words muttered weeks before. Moments he felt were really moments remembered. He made no choices; only regretted those choices he could not make once more. But now he was standing before his friend. The moment was now right before him, and the nausea was slowly growing.
"How are you feeling? I haven't seen you in a while," Matt spoke with concern. His eyes focused on what Tai may add. It was a new territory for both of them. They had shared break ups, broke hearts, before. This was different though; the most tragically different.
Tai was consumed for a moment, looking for the proper way to express himself. Softly, he spoke "I've been fine, I guess. I've just, just, needed to have some time for myself. Every time I've seen you guys, I remember." It was honest, he had not been running away. Yet, that was precisely how he acted. He wanted to run further than he knew how, and wanted to break down in the process. Why had it dwindled into this type of form; why had he broken down into this type of state?
Solemnly, Matt tried to respond. "Hey man, no need to explain yourself. I understand. We've went through a lot, all of us. Of course seeing me would remind you of her. If it didn't, then I think you would need to explain yourself." This time, unlike all of the others girls, it had been a holistic endeavour. They had shared the experience. Each harm was not exclusive to the two of them; everyone around them were brought into the mix. For they were each others whole, for so long. And now the state was gone.
"Thanks man. Glad you don't hold it against me. Have you seen her at all?" It had been weeks before that they had last talked in person. He'd decided he was sick of it all. He needed to break himself from the sickness their affections had brought on him. Secretly, maybe, he had desired her to talk to him. If she was willing to bridge that gap, then it could be fixed. He phone rested: no calls, no texts; each day he checked it.
The distance between the two of them felt large. The distance between Matt and Tai, now, felt farther than he could describe. The words couldn't come to him. It was a mess, and he was a mess. The sun rested above their heads, yet Tai felt as if the day was cold and grey. Why could he not conform himself to everything?
Matt's gaze drifted, slightly, "Yeah, a few times. She's been a little more willing to hang." He spoke without will to offend. It was a dangerous territory; light steps were required.
"Shit, really?" Tai tried to hide he surprise. Although, surprise may not be the best words, perhaps disappointment. He'd listened by his phone, and only heard the unchanging form of anticipation on his front. He needed to kill these thoughts; it was the reason she had been apprehensive. There was more than him; there was more than him. "Well, I guess that doesn't surprise me. She was always the stronger one when it came to things like that.
Trying to reassure Tai, Matt continued "I wouldn't hold it against yourself. I bet she's feeling it just as much as you, or at least she's feeling it as much as is natural for her. But, you wear it at all times, she drowns herself in it to the extent it never shows."
"You think so?" It seemed a little elaborate. Less of an explanation, more of an apology. Tai tried to look past Matt. What was his intentions? How was he seeing it? Maybe he was the one hoping against a truth like that. How would he know?
Matt tried to amend a little. The words were obviously tied and without a clear expression. The ambiguity, of which Matt had always had, was unwelcome within this situation. "Well, I guess so. I can't know for sure anything, especially when it comes to how someone else is feeling. But yeah, I would say I guess so."
"It's cool, I don't know if I could even express how I'm feeling." Tai had felt himself tied within a similar knot between words and intentions. "It's weird; paradoxical; just a mess." And he was a mess. That was the best way to describe it. He needed to sort himself out, for there was no order and no rest as he was.
In an act of empathy, Matt rested his hand on Tai's shoulder. An act of assurance, or help when there was no clear place for it. It gave the illusions, and illusions were the only way Matt could give. "I bet it does," he said.
Tai felt now, as if he were once again no longer in the moment. He was watching those choices he had made before: in the orchard and in the suburbs and within his wet dreams. Although, in this instance it wasn't regret, but respect of those decisions. Not his decisions, but those of hers. She made those, and they were as real and unchangeable as his own.
"Look out for her, would you? I mean, I know it's no longer my business, but I would hate for her to have it too bad." An act of respect, not of protection. She could take care of herself. But he still wanted Matt to be for her, as Matt was for him.
Trying to avoid Tai's gaze, Matt agreed: "Yeah, okay."
"Cool, thanks man." Tai responded.
"And hey."
"Yeah?"
"Take care of yourself too man."
"I'll try, I'll try."
