Disclaimer: The characters, settings, etc. of the Harry Potter series are not mine. I just play with them.

Accidental Affection
Part Four

Between January and June, Severus Snape had received six invitations to social engagements. One of them was, of course, a wedding invitation for the Malfoy - Weasley wedding that was to be held on the 21st of June. This he gladly accepted. Another was an invitation to the rehearsal dinner. He managed to get out of that one with very little difficulty. Three others were simple invitations to things like tea at the Burrow, dinner at Malfoy Manor, and an invitation to visit one of his cousins in Italy. He had feigned illness for all of those, however, and had been very happy when he was not required to attend any of the events. The last invitation was the one he knew he would have the most trouble getting out of, for simply put, the Powers That Were despised Severus Snape and were seemingly bent on seeing if they could make the man cry.

An invitation was scribbled out to him on what looked to be a spare bit of parchment in a handwriting he recognized to belong to one of the Weasleys he had once taught. It was written to invite him to Harry Potter's home, the former headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix, for a stag night celebration for Draco Malfoy. His initial reaction was to simply write 'No' in very large handwriting on a piece of parchment and owl it off to one of the male Weasleys. He did not think he owed any of them an explanation as to why he'd rather die than spend an evening with them as they drank alcohol and watched one of the girls that could be hired down on Knockturn Alley dance in some ridiculous scrap of cloth. But the more he thought about the matter, the more his creative side wished to deal with it.

Severus took pleasure in very few things, really. He liked Potions; he liked reading about Potions; he liked women, when he could get his hands on one. He had once enjoyed quidditch, but he was getting on in years and his back at forty three was just not what it was at twenty three. Severus also enjoyed telling lies. He supposed that it was some deeply embedded desire to be a story teller that made him enjoy it so much, and he attributed this love for lying to much of his success as a spy during the war. So the more Severus thought about prospective lies he could tell the Weasleys to get him out of this stag night, the more he wanted to tell them.

Thus, a week after Severus received his invitation, he sat down to write a letter to Ron Weasley. 'Dear Mr. Weasley,' he began, 'I was very pleased upon receiving your invitation to 12 Grimmauld Place for the stag night festivities being held in my godson's honor. I am quite certain you will spare no expense for this event, and will of course procure the usual form of entertainment for such a gathering. It is for this reason, Mr. Weasley, that I must decline the invitation. I am saddened to say that I am deathly allergic to the variety of glitter gel the Knockturn strippers are so very fond of slathering all over their person. It is quite dreadful for me to be in their presence, as a mere lap dance causes me to break out into hives, and my eyes to swell shut. As I am not one to ruin an evening by creating the need for a trip to St. Mungo's, I suggest I simply forgo the gathering all together. I thank you once again for inviting me and look forward to seeing you at the wedding. Yours &c,' and very proud of his work, Severus signed his name with a flourish.

---



Severus Snape was relaxing in one of his favorite chairs before his fire on a mild June evening, nursing a glass of firewhiskey, and reading one of his latest Potions journals when Hermione Granger suddenly stepped out of his fireplace and into his rooms.

"Good evening, Severus," she said cheerfully.

"Miss Granger?" he said, cocking an eyebrow as he set his glass and journal onto a nearby end table. "To what do I owe this pleasant surprise?"

"It's Hermione," she replied and stepped towards him. He watched as she reached out towards his face, and felt something cold and sticky being smeared against his skin.

"What is the meaning of this, Miss Granger?!" he exclaimed as he brought a hand up to swipe at the substance. Taking a look at what he had gathered, Severus was surprised. "Glitter, Miss Granger?"

"It's Hermione!" she exclaimed. "But yes, Severus. Glitter."

He frowned. "I don't understand."

"Lucky for you," she said softly as she raised her wand, causing Severus to feel slightly uneasy. "I do. Petrificus Totalus."

Severus knew a scowl was frozen on his face, and he was reminded of the awful saying his mother had always thrown at him when he had made such faces: 'If you make that face for too long, Severus Snape, one day it might just stick.' He would never, ever admit to her that she had been right.

"Do you recall the date, Severus?" Hermione asked as she leaned forward so that, had he been able to move his head or eyes, Severus might have been afforded a lovely view of what she hid beneath her blouse. "What's that? June 17th, you say? Why, you're absolutely right, Severus. It's the 17th, and you have a stag night to attend." She raised her wand as she stood up straight. "Mobilicorpus," she said, and Severus felt himself being lifted and pulled towards the fireplace.

He watched as Hermione took down some floo powder from his mantle, threw it into the flames, and stepped into the grate, bringing his prone and floating form with her. "12 Grimmauld Place!" she called out loudly and clearly.

If he ever regained movement of his body, Severus swore he would murder Hermione Granger.

---



Severus could see that the party was in full swing when Hermione stepped out of the fireplace and into the living room of 12 Grimmauld Place, dragging him magically after her.

"Oi!" he heard the voice of Ron Weasley holler on his right. "Thank goodness you made it back, Hermione. I was worried about you."

"Yes, well, I am occasionally able to take care of myself, Ron" she said and Severus wondered when she'd began developing her skills in the field of sarcasm. "He lied about the glitter you know."

"Really?" he could hear Ron Weasley say, his tone sounding bewildered. "Well figures he would what with being a Slytherin and all."

"Honestly, Ron," Hermione replied, "do we have to be defined by our Hogwarts houses for our entire lives?"

"Oh, er, um," he heard Ron fail to respond.

"Right," he heard Hermione say before muttering the most beautiful words in existence: "Finite Incantatum."

Severus fell to the ground immediately after she uttered the words, and he stood up quickly, attempting to hang onto at least a shred of his dignity. "I believe, Miss Granger," he began as he brushed some dust from his robes, "that kidnapping is a criminal offense."

"Mmm," Hermione replied as she pulled out her wand. "I wonder if hexing a man's bits off is as well."

Severus gulped as he watched her lazily lower her wand so that she held it level to one of his most prized possessions. "You…you wouldn't, Miss Granger."

"It's Hermione," she said in a deadly tone. "And do not underestimate me, Severus Snape; when properly provoked, I will do just about anything."

He gulped again. "I have done nothing to deserve such treatment."

"Oh?" she said, raising an eyebrow. "Really? How about lying and abandoning me to suffer this hell alone, Severus? Does that sound like cause for such treatment?"

He frowned. "Well, I suppose I might see your point, Miss Granger."

"Hermione," she growled. "I thought you would." He watched her as she lowered her wand completely before depositing it back into her pocket. "Well," she said, as she took him by the hand. "Come on, then. You can help me chaperone."

"Chaperone?" Severus echoed as he allowed her to pull him by his hand to the loveseat that sat in a secluded corner of the room. He watched as Hermione seated herself on it and looked up at him expectantly. Sighing, he took the seat beside her.

"Yes, Severus," she replied once he'd seated himself, and she'd taken his hand in her own. "You get to help me chaperone the Weasley boys, Harry, and Malfoy. Ginny said the only way they could have strippers tonight was if they had a chaperone. Ron and Harry immediately nominated me for the job."

"Ah," said Severus, "I see." And he did see, as he looked towards the center of the room where Draco Malfoy and Charlie Weasley were on the receiving end of lap dances from two very buxom blondes. It was very smart of Ginny Weasley to request a chaperone be present, for even he wouldn't have trusted a Malfoy to be within fifty feet of such a well endowed creature.

"Mmm," said Hermione as her thumb absently stroked the back of Severus's hand. "I don't know why they all go mad over the strippers," she said, gesturing to where Harry was nearly drooling over the curvy brunette who was wrapping herself around the pole that had been conjured to stand in one corner of the room as Fred Weasley stuffed what looked to be pound notes into the elastic band of her skimpy costume.

Severus shrugged. "Men enjoy women, Miss Granger," he said, hoping this would sufficiently explain why Bill Weasley was not complaining one bit as two voluptuous raven haired girls groped him, and his brother Percy looked on as he drank from a flask.

"Yes, but," Hermione said, frowning. "They don't have any class."

"No, Miss Granger, they might not," Severus agreed, "but they do have sex appeal."

Hermione gave a very decisive, "hmph," as she took her hand away from his. "I suppose you wish you were out there receiving a lap dance, then? Want some paid girl with breasts the size of your head pawing at you? Well, go on then! Go out there and have your fun!"

"Hermione," Severus said, sighing, "if I really wanted such things, I would go to Knockturn Alley and seek it out on a regular basis."

"How do I know you don't?" she said as she crossed her arms before her chest.

"Miss Granger, have you ever seen the places where these women can be found? Do you have any idea what kind of diseases one might obtain by simply sitting on the chairs there? Those places are the most disgusting, vile, putrid…" Severus trailed off when he heard someone panting beside him and felt damp, hot air hitting his cheeks in spurts. Turning his head, he looked directly into the eyes of one, Ron Weasley.

"Sev'rus," Ron slurred. "Sev'rus, I need to talk to you."

"How much have you had to drink, Mr. Weasley?" Severus asked, leaning away from the very much inebriated man before him.

Ron was prevented from replying as Hermione launched herself off of the couch in the direction of the make-shift bar that had been set up. "George!" she shrieked at the red headed figure who was standing on the table and thrusting his pelvis into the air. "George Weasley! You get off of that table right now! What do you think you're doing, dancing on tables? What would your wife say, George!?"

George Weasley spun around and shook his bum at Hermione, as he looked over his shoulder and waggled his eyebrows in a way Severus supposed the man might think was sexy. "She'd be right up here with me, baby!" he exclaimed as he proceeded to thrust his pelvis into the air once more, before continuing to wiggle around. "Shaking, shaking, shaking," he sang as he moved around the table. Severus wondered if he might fall off and the party would have to come to an abrupt halt when they were forced to bring George to St. Mungo's to mend his broken tail bone.

Severus smiled. It just might work.

Severus was distracted from his plotting and from the fate of the table dancing Weasley when he was suddenly aware of somebody rubbing against his right side. "Sev'rus," slurred Ron Weasley as he rubbed his face against Snape's shoulder, "Sev'rus, oh Sev'rus. Make love to me, Sev'rus. You great, sexy, greasy, beautiful git."

"Mr. Weasley!" Severus roared, and was happy to see Ron tumble to the ground, looking very much stunned and terribly frightened. "Never touch me again, Weasley!"

Severus watched as Ron whimpered in response, before crawling off in the direction of the chair where Harry Potter sat, his face unabashedly buried in the bosom of the blond who had earlier been attending Charlie Weasley's needs.

Severus sighed. "I need a drink."

There was a very loud cracking sound and Dobby the house elf suddenly appeared before him. "Professor is needing a drink and Dobby is giving a drink!" said the elf.

Severus raised an eyebrow. "Indeed?"

"Oh yes, Professor!" Dobby exclaimed, nodding his head with so much fervor that his ears flopped up and down madly.

Severus sneered. "Bring me a firewhiskey."

---



Severus had lost count. He had definitely had three glasses of firewhiskey. Definitely. And there might have been a fourth, and he seemed to recall a fifth. But he couldn't decide if the empty glass he had just let fall to the floor was his six or his seventh.

Suddenly, he was aware of the music stopping and he watched as all of the Weasleys, save the ones who had passed out on the floor, and Draco Malfoy suddenly disappeared before his eyes. Those lovely girls who had been wearing almost no clothes and rubbing their bodies against everyone else's…what were they called again? What was it? Oh, it didn't matter, really. They had gone too. The only people who were left were the passed out Weasleys, Harry Potter (who was asleep in a chair), himself, and Hermione Granger. Severus decided, as he watched her walk over to where was sprawled on the loveseat, that he was madly in love with Hermione Granger. Madly, madly in love with her. Her beauty was unsurpassed. Her intelligence was awe-inspiring. She was a magnanimous creature. And he loved her, dearly. So, he decided he should tell her this. "Herminny," he said as he felt her wrap her arms around his waist. "Herminny, I hafta tell you something."

"Of course you do," Hermione replied softly. "Can you make it to the fireplace, Severus?"

Severus looked over her shoulder to the fireplace. It would take years to walk there. But why did they have to walk there? Why couldn't they just stay here on the loveseat? He could hold her and profess his love and they could live here, on the loveseat, happily ever after.

"No," he announced as he buried his face into the curve of her neck. "'S'ok. We'll stay here, Herminny," he said and wrapped his arms around her waist, drawing her close to him. "Herminny and Sev'rus will stay right here."

"No," said Hermione. "No, they won't. They're going to go home."

"Home," Severus sighed, holding Hermione tighter. His last conscious thought was that he was already there.

---



Severus opened his eyes when he felt the distinct sensation of falling. Opening his eyes, he saw that he was lying on his couch and Hermione Granger, the love of his life, was leaning over him and taking off his shoes.

"Herminny," he said softly. "Oh, my Herminny."

"Your Hermione?" she repeated and he saw her smile.

"Mmm," Severus murmured as he wiggled his toes once they'd been freed from his shoes. "Mine, mine, mine." He watched as she continued to grin at him, and knelt down on the floor next to the end of the couch where his head lay.

"Severus," she said softly as she leaned forward slightly.

Severus, seeing this as an invitation, grabbed her and pulled her so that she nearly laid on top of him. "Oh Herminny," he groaned as he once again buried his face against her neck. "You want me don't you?" he sighed as he licked the bit of skin closest to his mouth. He felt her shiver. "Mmm," he purred, "you do want me."

"Severus!" she exclaimed, as she pushed him away with all her might. "What kind of girl do you think I am?"

He did his best to eye her in a way he hoped looked seductive, but he thought the whole business would be much easier if the room would stop spinning. Maybe, he thought, if he closed his eyes when he opened them again everything would be right.

He closed his eyes for a few minutes, but when he opened them, all he saw was a very angry looking love of his life glaring at him and a room that continued to move about unnaturally.

"I'm waiting," she said.

"Um," said Severus, "a delicious one?"

She narrowed her eyes at him as she stood up. "Severus, I will give you the benefit of the doubt because you are plastered. But just know one thing, until you take me out on a proper date, you get nothing. Nothing."

Severus frowned as he watched her walk over to the fireplace, take some floo powder from the jar on the mantle, and throw it into the flames. She stepped in and turned to look at him. "Good night, Severus," she said as she vanished before his eyes.

Severus felt his frown deepen. "Herminny!" he whinged. "Herminny, come back!"

When she didn't, Severus began to pout. "Herminny," he cried. "I love you!" Despite this proclamation, she did not reappear. Severus sighed and decided to think about something else. Like the fact that the room simply refused to stop spinning. Severus closed his eyes again, thinking that maybe if he kept them closed longer this time, it might work better.

Severus drifted off to sleep, and did not open his eyes again until morning.

---

Author's Note: Thanks very much for reading. And thanks to those of you who have been kind enough to take the time to review. Also, a PSA: alcohol is bad and makes your liver cry. And, please note that the characters' opinions of strippers and strip clubs are not necessarily based on the author's. They are mostly based on the fact that Hermione was supposed to come across as jealous and Snape was supposed to come across (for once) as a man who did not frequent brothels, strip clubs, etc. The next and final part will be posted tomorrow! Thanks again for reading!