Title: CAN WE GET TO THE FUCKING PLOT NOW PLEASE? (apparently not)
POV: Second ONCE MORE, finally with whoever the f*ck I feel like after Dave and Jade. AW YEAH I GET TO MAKE CHOICES! :D Waitaminute, I am horrible at making decisions… OH SH*T I GET TO MAKE CHOICES D:
AN: I love rambling far too much. It's because I have so much stuff in my head I need to get out and as I say it all I think of new things while I go but I say it at the end of things where it isn't really all that relevant to the most recent ramble snippet.
Also braces. I have them now.
I am having some major John/Dave feels right now.
So yeah I made the cakes colored after their God Tier outfits what of it.
Trollmegle/Trollplay is the best. I always roleplay Dave because nowadays it's only hipster to be mainstream. Also I play John if you play Dave first.
By the way if you know any amazing AU (preferably on tumblr) stories then tell me because recently I read Promstuck and it is AMAAAAZING.
WARNING: THERE'S GONNA BE SOME JOHN/DAVE ALL UP IN THIS CHAPTER.
Acknowledgements: OMG I REALLY LOVE YOU GUYS. YOU ALL ROCK AND I WISH I COULD GIVE A BIG OL' HUG TO YOU ALL. Seriously, drop me a review and I just freak out. In a good way. *HEARTSHEARTSHEARTS*
Rose: be Beyonce's back-up dancer
Alright, Dave Strider it is, then.
You are now Dave strider, cool-kid extraordinaire and- WAIT WHAT DID THE COMMAND SAY
WHAT THE FUCK
You know you would rock the hell out of that sort of position
But really
The fuck
Anyway, after orientation, you decided to show off your fucking beautiful car and beautiful southern hospitality by offering your friends a ride back from school.
Big mistake.
Jade is currently screaming the fuck out of your ear, mentally scarring you with the horrible, pitchy notes from an equally horrible and pitchy pop song.
You know you shouldn't have given her and John control of the radio.
"Ooh, I LOVE this song! 'YOU THINK I'M PRETTY, WITHOUT ANY MAKE-UP ON, YOU THINK I'M FUNNY, WHEN I GET TH-'"
Then suddenly, silence from the Harley.
This is odd.
"Yo Lalonde, what's up back there?"
"She appears to have fallen asleep."
Thank God for narcolepsy.
You quickly pop one of your sweet synthesizer mixes in the CD slot. So cool.
Your bro (no, not the genetic relative, the one in the car) pushes Harley's head off the back of his seat, sighing in relief. "Geez, glad that's over."
"John, is your sister still not completely aware of the fact that she so obviously has narcolepsy?" Your annoying therapist of a sister asks from the backseat.
"Pretty much. She's a bit of a derp like that." He chuckles a bit, like he was glad that the derpy spotlight was off him for a second.
"Must run in the family, Egderp." Perfect come-back.
Oh shit he's doing the face.
That face that says payback.
Usually that face means nothing because he rarely goes through with payback.
But you aren't sure right now.
And he probably has a whole night to get back at you.
The most common manifestation of payback for him is stupid pranks, and you are in no mood for that type of shenanigans at the moment.
He shifts in his seat, stopping momentarily and looking at his shoe. "Ew, there's gum on my shoe…" He makes a face, almost poking at his shoe but ultimately deciding not to.
"Jesus Egbert get that off before it gets in my car."
"Okay! Geez. Do you have any napkins or something?"
"Should be some in the console." He shifts around a bit for better access, reaching into the container.
"Hey, what's this doing here…?"
"What's what doing the- OH SHIT" You swerve a bit as you realize Egbert has just pulled a smuppet of epic proportions out of your console. I mean, fuck, how did your Bro even manage to fit that monolith of plush rump and phallic proboscis into that tiny console he must have used like a shoe horn or some shit to shove it in there- Reign it in, Strider, you are the cool kid. Rambling is not cool. Swerving is not cool either; thank God no one was around at the time. On the road of course, not in the car. There were most definitely people in the car, those who have just witnessed your smuppet break-down. C'mon, dude, be chill.
Hell yeah you're chill.
You are having all of the chills right now.
All of them.
"Dave, it's okay, you really need to chill out-"
Oh. Well, apparently you aren't as outwardly chill as you thought.
"Egbert I swear to you I am so fucking chill right now. If you put a water bottle on my shoulder it would freeze instantly I'm so chill. If you licked my arm your tongue would freeze to it. Pregnant women going into labor could pay me to stay with them to put my hand on their foreheads to cool them down I'm so chill. I am SO chill-"
"Okay Dave your examples are getting really weird so I'm going to have to stop you right there."
"Fuck you Egbert my examples are glorious."
"Dave it's obvious you're freaking out right now so just tell me where to dispose of this and-"
"I want you to throw it out the fucking window."
"But Dave, that's littering!"
"I could keep the smuppet in my bag if you would like me to. We could dispose of it at John's house." Shit, you forgot Lalonde was in the car. She's probably gonna bug you about this with her psycho-shit later.
"Okay first of all Lalonde: no and fuck you. Second of all Egbert I don't give a damn about littering it will decompose later I just want you to THROW IT OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW."
John finally takes your advice and THROWS IT OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW.
"Are you chill now, Dave?" WHAT IN THE FUCK IS UP WITH ALL THE "CHILLS" IN THIS?
"YES EGBERT I AM FUCKING CHILL."
He gives you this sideways glance like he really doesn't believe you, and really you cannot fucking blame him, but still he's your best bro and you really need him to at least go along with it because that's what bros do and you really need to stop this because run-on sentences are not even cool in an ironic sense.
"Oh, hey, when did the song go off?"
Enter the Harley, narcoleptic extraordinaire.
Dave: DO A DANCE
What?
Dave: I SAID "DO A DANCE"
Fuck no.
Dave: DO A DANCE RIGHT THIS INSTANT.
You resolve to save this for a time when it is especially ironic, but you refuse vehemently at this time.
DAVE: Well if you aren't going to do a dance maybe the dog girl will do one
We will never know because you, the DOG GIRL, are currently fast asleep. At least you were a few seconds ago. Whatever. The point is you will not be doing a dance at this time because your dream was quite troublesome. Also, that would be stupid.
Not that you would care about looking stupid.
Anyway, the dream.
Wait, what dream?
You can't really remember.
Not that you are really surprised. You constantly forget things, which is why your colorful reminders sit nicely on your fingers. Unfortunately, you do not have one on hand and therefore the memory is currently slipping away like sand in an hourglass, but instead of an hour's supply in the hourglass there was only enough sand to supply a few seconds. All you can really remember now is that it was not a good dream.
Okay, enough about that! For some reason the song you were listening to before you…
Wait…
What did you do before now that interrupted the song?
Oh well, doesn't matter now, because Dave has put in one of his "cool-kid beats" CDs that he said you'd never understand because you are just too tainted with dorky genes to comprehend the cool. No more pop songs for you.
Dave looks really flustered- at least, you think he does- and you wonder why for a second before looking towards Rose. She just kind of nods at you, so you guess she'll tell you later!
If you remember, that is.
About twenty minutes later you arrive at your house and Dave pulls into the drive next to John and your's bicycles, careful not to bump into them. You are actually surprised how responsible Dave is while driving, though you're pretty sure it's for his car's safety and not the safety of the passengers. Whatever.
There are four cakes sitting on the windowsill of the kitchen, all small enough to be considered personal.
"Hey Egderp, looks like your dad made us some cakes."
You look towards your brother; he has an angry scowl covering his face. "Ugh, I told him I don't want him to make any more…"
"I believe it is quite thoughtful of your father to attempt to treat you with confectionary foods."
"Yeah, well, it might have seemed thoughtful to me before he made me sixteen cakes in one day."
You jump out of the car and run up to the window with the cooling cakes, looking through to your father. He, at the moment, is furiously baking what you assume is numerous cakes. He sees you through the window and you think he smiles, but his pipe is obscuring your sight. He gestures to the cakes.
They each say something along the lines of "Congratulations on surviving the junior orientation of your newest private school that you were forced to join after your previous school was burnt down!" You really don't understand how he manages to fit so many words onto such a small cake, but you shrug it off. There is a green and black one, which you assume is for you, a blue and yellow one for John, a red and maroon one for Dave, and an orange and yellow one for Rose. You love when your dad color-coordinates this sort of thing.
"FUCK JADE GET YOUR DEMON DOG AWAY FROM MY CAR HE'S GOING TO SCRATCH THE PAINT."
Oops, there goes Bec. You run towards your dog, but before you can drag him away from the car, he turns his head towards you.
Oh shit.
You've been spotted.
Jade: STRIFE
Okay, you decide to s-JAFHJKALDFUCK THIS DOG.
Before you can even initiate a strife your "stupid evil demon devil dog" jumps on you. You are used to this and his rather sloppy affections but it's never enjoyable to have dog slobber running down your face.
Jade: ABSCOND
How can you abscond? There's a hundred-pound mass of brute strength slobbering all over your cheek.
Jade: accept your fate
Alright, that seems easy enough. Your arms go slack and you stop trying to push him away. He just kinda looks at you and pants, and you think to yourself hey look you fell asleep again.
Jade: be one of the alpha characters
You cannot do that, because the author has decided not to involve the alpha characters in the story plot as of yet. In the future, sure; but not now.
Jade: flip the author off for denying my will
You cannot do that, either, as you are asleep.
Haha.
Jerk.
John: take over this POV
Gladly.
You gratefully take over the POV, grumbling to yourself about the obscene amount of cakes your dad is undoubtedly making right now.
"Hey bro we should get our cake on." Dave coolly slides up to you after checking his car for scratches in the paint and deciding that his car is blemish-free. You frown up at him, even more disheartened that he's so much taller than you.
John is the short kid.
It is you.
"I told you, Dave, all he makes are those stupid Betty Crocker cakes! She's an evil batter witch!" You pout, your buck teeth sticking slightly out over your bottom lip.
"A batter witch that just so happens to make your favorite gummy treats."
"Shut up, Dave!"
"Bro they're just cakes. Delicious sugary confections that are made solely out of love and magic. If you reject the cakes you reject the love."
"Dave that is stupid." He starts to lean heavily on you, making your back bend a bit. "Dave what are you-"
"Don't reject my love John."
"You didn't even make the cakes they don't have any of your love in them." You start to push him off of you and he just leans harder; jeez he's so annoying sometimes! "Dave stop-"
"John if you reject my love I will die. Don't let me die John."
"Dave why are you doing this." He's leaning all of his weight into you and it's getting really hard to stand like this why is he doing this what-
"John accept my love it is the only way." He throws his arms around your neck and your face gets hot and this feels really homosexual why would he do something so homosexual usually he's not this touchy-feely wait yes he is so why are you getting so embarrassed now John this is stupid you are stupid why-
"DAVE THIS IS SILLY STOP IT."
"No John." He coughs dramatically onto your shoulder for the effect. "Just let me" cough "love you…" He gasps painfully as a convulsion wracks through his body. "No… wait… it is too late… you wouldn't let me love you… in time…" How the heck can he keep his poker-face through all this? You will never understand the Strider brothers and holy crap his mouth is right next to your ear why does he keep invading your personal space this is so awkward- "Tell Bro… he still… owes me twenty dollars for scratching my mix CD…" And with that, his face falls onto your shoulder and he convulses a final time. All of the weight he was apparently holding back is suddenly weighing down upon you. He is pretty skinny being a stick and all, but you are a small, TINY man! You push him in vain, sounding remarkably like Lilo in that one scene with her sister in that one Disney movie that you refuse to admit that you have watched and enjoyed even though you did.
"DAAAAAAAAVE GET OFF OF MEEEEEEEE!"
"No. I am dead. Dead people cannot move."
"DAVE DEAD PEOPLE CANNOT TALK."
"I don't know what kind of dead people you hang out with but all the dead people I know are very talkative."
"Dave-"
"Maybe dead people just don't like you."
"Dave can you stop-"
"Don't worry man I'll get you in good with the dead community. They can't resist the Strider ways. If they see you hanging out with me eventually those derpy charms of yours might grow on them."
"Dave please-"
"I dunno, though, you watch that Ghostbusters crap. They could take offense to that."
You jump back a bit (the best you can with a certain Strider leaning against you), indignant. "What? Ghostbusters is not crap! You just say that because you aren't 'cooooooool' enough to understand its genius."
"Ouch, Johnny-boy. You wound me. Me, uncool? Impossible. I am too cool to appreciate that movie." Suddenly Dave kinda snuggles into the crook of your neck and you become very VERY aware about the fact that his breath is right on your neck and how homosexual this must look to everyone else.
"Um, Dave?"
"Shhhh, only sleep now."
"What? Are you falling asleep? We're like, in the middle of my yard, standing up."
"Yeah well Egbert, you are really comfortable and warm and you are just going to have to deal with that."
"Dave please get off of me this isn't cool."
"What would you know about cool. Besides, this is ironic."
"Dave, I'm beginning to wonder if you really know the definition of the word 'ironic'."
"Shh John only sleep now."
"Dave, get off of me please." He is breathing RIGHT ON YOUR NECK WHY IS HE DOING THIS THIS IS UNCOMFORTABLE.
"Okay, but only since you asked nicely." He finally picks himself off of you and you let out that breath that you didn't know you were holding. That jerk is still as stoic-faced as ever. How can he do that and still be all cool and stuff while you're reduced to a blushing madman? Wait, not a "blushing" madman. DEEEEEEEEFINITELY not. Because blushing would mean that- nope. Not going to go there.
You choose to ignore that look that Rose gives you. Stupid Rose and her suspecting face.
"Yo dude should we help out Harley."
Oh, you didn't notice your sister on the ground there. Where did Bec go? God, you hope he went FAR away.
"I shall help with that, you boys just head on inside." Rose puts her hands on her hips and you aren't sure if she's being sarcastic or not, but she leans over and picks up Jade by her back and legs and you guess she's being serious.
You and Dave head in, Dave pausing first to balance all four small cakes on his arms. You shoot him a look and he shrugs, careful not to drop the cakes. You know he won't, though. He's too smooth for that.
He sets them on the coffee table in the living room, positioning them so each person could sit on the couch and eat. He pushes a few stuffed harlequins off of the end of the couch and sits down, patting the space beside him and in front of the blue and yellow confectionary monstrosity. You frown, but do as he says. Reclining back into the cushions, you huff and cross your arms over your chest. You'll sit beside him, but you will NOT be partaking in the eating of such sugary round death traps. Like the old saying says, "You can lead a horse to water, but you may come to own a donkey yourself."*
For some reason that doesn't sound right.
Actually that doesn't make any sense at all.
You guess you just got the quote wrong.
Oh well.
Rose bursts through the door, carrying a still very unconscious Jade, panting and wheezing. Wow, she really could have just dragged her in by her arms or something…
"Oh no, please, just continue sitting there as I attempt to carry a fully realized one hundred and fifteen pound woman. It's not as if I have rather weak muscle mass or anything like that."
You think that this statement would sound really sarcastic from anyone else, but Rose is so monotone when she says it you just believe her.
Guess she's stronger than she looks, huh!
Rose: curse humanity
Those idiotic boys think you are serious. Holy crap. You didn't think they could be so asinine.
Yes. Of course you have no problem carrying someone around the same weight and somewhat taller than you.
No. Problem. At. all.
John: continue being clueless
Well that's not very hard for you now is it.
Rose slowly makes her way to the couch, struggling the entire time, and finally manages to sit Jade down in the spot at the end of the couch. She takes a moment to catch her breath and sits beside you with a huff, positioning Jade so she was leaning against the armrest. She sends a glare your way, but really, it was her fault for telling you and Dave that she was fine with carrying Jade on her own.
"Shit, forgot the forks." Dave looks down at the coffee table and makes towards the kitchen.
You would get them yourself, but you are hell-bent on staying away from the kitchen when your father is in one of his "moods".
"Oh, hey, cake!"
Nice to know that Jade still enjoys the cakes. Lovely.
Karkat: take over the POV so we don't have to encounter the confectionary carnage
You are once again Karkat Vantas, ninety-nine pounds of pure unadulterated rage.
Author: Continue Karkat's POV in the next chapter because you are going somewhere tomorrow and you really want to update before then.
Oh hay guis. Here have a chapter. It's shorter than the first and last ones, but it's longer than the second! I'm heading off tomorrow on a little vacation, we're gonna go see ZOOS. Let me reiterate, ZOOOOOS. Also an aquarium. Heck yeah.
I'm not sure if I like Dave's chapter… I'm pretty sure I don't like Jade's. SORRY GUIS.
I love you John, you little derp. :B
Sorry Rose!
I think I will make a rule that I write at least a bit of a Karkat POV in each chapter from now on. I'm sorry for the wait, but summers are so busy for me… I'll try to update more quickly next time!
Ta-ta for now,
Saharasiam.
