A/N: Please be aware that there will be spoilers for the Season 4 Premiere. I don't own any of these characters but I hope I can do them justice in the playground in my head.

Thank you so very much for the wonderful reviews. You are wonderful!

He sat in his truck looking out on the Chesapeake Bay and trying to sort out his thoughts. Whenever he felt this way he always ran to Penelope. She had a way of reeling him back in and helping him sort through the problem. It was killing him that he had put her through that in NY. He knew he was wrong and it was selfish, but his only thought at the time was if he was going to die, he wanted her voice to be the last thing he heard. He wanted to tell her what she meant to him. He wanted her to know that she was his everything and that he loved her. He would have said it too, but he ran out of time and instead, since he'd survived, he felt it was only right to respect her relationship with Kevin and hold back on his true feelings. He had no one to blame but himself and he knew it. For years they danced around each other maintaining a safe distance when things got too close. When he almost lost her, he got the nerve to say it but she misunderstood, she thought he had meant it in a brotherly way and Kevin moved in before he could clarify. It was for the best, she obviously didn't feel the same way he did or Kevin would never have been allowed in.

Hotch was a whole other issue. He wasn't sure what bothered him more, his accusation about not trusting or his lack of confidence in his ability and unwillingness to give him a recommendation. The logic was clear. There was no time to get the bomb squad there much less to diffuse it. None of the team members had ever worked with the bomb division except him. He had no choice but to rely on them to catch the bomber and on Penelope to get him out. It was a lose lose situation. He knew Hotch's mind wasn't clear, understandably so. But how can you justify losing hundreds of lives versus the loss of one. Even if that one, was his.

Then of course there was the job in NY and the pressure of making a decision. The prospect of leading the NY office was a challenge. He loved challenges and never backed away from them. This would mean leaving his team behind and Penelope. This would be a major change, but maybe that's what he needed. A fresh start, away from her. Where he wouldn't have to watch her leave with Kevin day in and day out. Where he wouldn't have to look at her and know that she would be in someone else's arms and not his. He needed to talk to her. He needed … he needed her.

He reached for his cell and turned it on. Without even looking he hit the speed dial.

"Hotchner"

"Hotch; tell NY I'm taking the job." Morgan said.

Hotch was silent for a minute. "Have you thought this through? Hotch asked.

"I've been doing nothing but thinking for the last 4 hours. This is what I want." Derek said coldly.

"I'll get the paperwork going as soon as we get there." He replied. "I requested 3 SUV's for the trip. You and Garcia can take one of them up; they'll be ready at 9am"

Before Derek could say another word, he heard a click. Derek shook his head. He never would have thought that Hotch of all people would want to hold him back. He started his truck and drove home.

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Penelope was trying to stay calm. She had searched for Derek in all the usual places and had come up empty. She'd left him 3 voicemails but every time she checked her phone there were no missed calls. "Where the hell are you?" She said to herself. She heard a knock on the door and quickly ran to open it.

"Oh Kevin, hi come in." She said as she stepped aside to let him in.

"You sound disappointed. Were you expecting someone else?" He asked sarcastically.

"Nobody knows where Morgan is. He's not answering his cell" Penelope said.

"And of course you assumed he would come here. I can understand the disappointment now, instead of him it's me" he said with anger in his voice.

"Kevin" Penelope said but he quickly interrupted her.

"Look Penelope please don't appease me. I can see what's happening here. It couldn't be any clearer if the writing were on the wall. Why not just be honest and upfront with me." He pleaded.

"Kevin I'm so sorry" she said as tears began to form in her eyes. "I wanted to talk to you about this and I was going to call you but…" she started to say.

"But Derek was more important." Kevin finished her sentence.

"Please don't say that. That's not what it is at all. I really care for you and I know you don't believe that but it's true. I just don't feel the same way you do. You're a great guy and you deserve someone that will love you without any reservations. You deserve someone better than me." Penelope said softly.

"Pen, I love you and I want to work this out between us. What can I do? Please just tell me and I'll do it!" He pleaded.

Penelope swallowed hard. She didn't like hurting him but she knew she had to be honest. She owed that much to him. "You haven't done anything wrong Kevin. It's me. I'm the one that's broken here. I really thought I'd be able to get him off my mind and out of my heart. When I thought he died in that blast I realized just how engrained he is in my soul." Penelope began to sob.

Kevin reached out to her. "Does he know? I mean does he realize how lucky he is? He asked.

Penelope shook her head. "I can't and won't say anything."

"Pen, he's an idiot if he lets you slip away. " Kevin said as he leaned into her and kissed her cheek. "You need to be honest with him or at the very least, honest with yourself. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life wondering what would have happened?" He asked.

"All I keep thinking about is what if I'd been wrong? What if he'd died because of me?" She said.

"You weren't wrong so you have a second chance to let him know. But if you really want an answer to that question it's simple. He would have died without knowing. Could you have lived with that?" Kevin said.

"No I couldn't." She said. She reached over and hugged Kevin. "Thank you. You truly are a good person and I know you'll find someone that deserves you" she said.

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When Derek finally made it home all he could think about was taking a shower and going to bed. He wasn't sure how he was going to sleep but knew he had a long drive ahead of him in the morning and needed to. He would break the news to Penelope on the drive up. He heard his phone buzz and grabbed it. He had 3 new voice mail messages. He clicked to listen.

"Derek it's me. Where are you? Call me please?"

He saved the message and listen to the second one.

"Derek, I'm getting worried I can't find you anywhere. I've been by your house and by the usual places you hang out. I don't know where to look anymore! Please call me"

He pressed the save button once again and listened to the final message.

"Derek, I promise"

He pressed the repeat button and listened to those words over and over.