Authoress' Notes: Oh, wow. It just gets more and more complicated.


He Said, She Said

Chapter 4: Challenging the Undeniable


Time was of literally no value in the tournament, so a week had already flown by before Red or Pit tried anything new. Maybe it was because Master Hand finally caught up to them and punished them for their shenanigans. How should someone like Ness know? He was too busy worrying about how insanely feminine his once-manly partner was being. Okay, time to take that back; Lucas was never manly. Regardless, hanging around with a girl without anyone to talk to about it was really mind-numbing.

Such a thing was just water off everyone else's back. No, nobody noticed how devoid of testosterone he now was. No, nobody cared how attractive was starting to look. And no, they didn't care how close they were to referring to him as a girl in the sense of pronouns; a simple slip of the tongue it was, and that's all. But maybe that was because they didn't know how right they their secret assumptions really were. Even Peach, being the most feminine thing on the grounds, failed to notice she was starting to have tea parties with another of her kind. All she saw she looked at Lucas was a boy with a good head on his shoulders. And all she saw when she looked at actual men were barbaric, violent pigs who ate each other for lunch and smelled like dirty socks and rotten ham. How appropriate.

But Ness didn't feel like worrying about that, especially since everyone else would find out about Lucas' little secret sooner or later. His thoughts were rudely interrupted by Pikachu, who most likely enjoyed doing such a thing.

("Hey, Spaghetti.") He looked around. ("Where's Meatballs?")

Ness frowned. "Oh, yeah. That allegory's real nice."

("I mean Lucas, loser. Where is he? We got a fight.")

"How should I know?"

("How shouldn't you know?")

"Go away."

("Not until you tell me where Meatballs went.")

"I don't know."

Frowning, he walked off. ("You suck.")

"So says the sucker."

Well, that certainly woke him up from his mind mindlessly rambling. And just in time for lunch? Well, sorta. According to the conveniently-placed clock in the corner of the room, he was a little over an hour late. He had about 48 minutes left to eat. More than enough time to run down to the mess hall, stuff himself silly, then sit around for the rest of the day doing nothing, since he wasn't scheduled for another fight until tomorrow afternoon. Yeah, that sounded like a plan.


Ness scolded himself as he sat down with his food. In this place, plans were stupid and never worked. Why? Because stupidity had finally decided to rear its ugly head after a week of absence. And boy, would it be a stinker. He could already tell by Pit's unkempt plumage and the pedophiliac sparkle in Red's eyes. But Lucas wasn't bothered by this at all, daintily picking at his salad like some sort of nutritional-crazed rabbit.

"Um, Ness?" He deftly tapped his pal on the shoulder. "You mind handing me the dressing over there?"

He passed him a bottle of the stuff. Getting it, Lucas frowned. "Uh... I don't like this kind."

Also frowning, Ness exchanged it for another kind. Lucas smiled sheepishly.

"Ness, this one isn't low fat."

Low fat salad dressing?! Was everyone else around there brain-dead?! Not even Luigi was this nitpicky! Ness was starting to feel like he was in some sort of commitment with Lucas now, sitting around to tend to his needs, listen to him prattle on about things no one but women would care about, and always agreeing to every one of his opinions. Sighing, he passed him another one, making sure it fit his precious dietary needs. Finally satisfied, he smiled.

"Thank you," he cooed, squirting it all over his meal like he was writing the most pretentious calligraphy ever. Things like were that enough to kill a guy, let alone his appetite.

Oh, but the torture didn't stop there, as Pit suddenly stood on top of a vacant table and waved his arms and weapons about.

"Hey, everybody! Listen here!"

Nobody cared.

"No, seriously! This is very serious! It'd be in your best interests to listen to me! Your dignity is at stake!"

Everyone snapped up.

"...There be... a woman amongst us!"

Everyone suddenly gasped and looked horrified until Link spoke up. "Hey, wait! Of course they're women here! What's the big deal? And isn't that kind of a good thing?"

"Oh, I'm sorry. Let me rephrase that; I mean, there's a guy here who may be a little... girly."

Yoshi thought for a minute. ("...You?")

"NO!"

"Well, duh," said Bowser. "Everyone knows it's Marth."

The swordsman scowled. "I'm not a girl!"

"Of course you are. S'no shame in it," said Ike, snorting. "Go on, with your bad self."

Seeing Marth draw his sword, Pit commanded their attention again. "No, no, no! Listen! When I say this, I mean, there's a guy here who is, in all rights, an actual woman!"

Crickets chirped.

"...I mean, like, with women, girly parts and... stuff..."

All of the guys reared back. "Ew!"

Infuriated, Peach stood up, slamming her hands on the table. "All right, Pit! You've had it this time! Don't make me come over there!"

He hurried up his speech. "Anyway, I seriously think there's a traitor amongst us guys, and if you even have a shred of manly dignity left, you'll agree to proving it's not you!"

"Well," Mario said, "how hard can it be to prove it? This 'stache tells no tales."

"And I have one, too!" spouted Luigi. "So, I am oh-so-cleared!"

Ike stepped on his head. "Nobody cares... but there's no way you guys are calling me a chick."

"Me, neither!" Fox crossed his arms. "But Falco might be a different story."

The bird tightened his fist. "The more you say that, the more it proves how much of a loser you are! I'm not a girl, I've just got more style!"

Wario grimaced. "What a dolt! Men don't have style! That's so gross, and trust me, I know gross!"

Sonic kicked his feet up. "Well, I technically have a girlfriend, so I'm in the clear."

"...I didn't know that," said Snake, under a table. "If you really have a girl, you sure don't talk about her a lot."

He fell over. "W-w-well, maybe I just don't feel like it!"

"Yeah! And girlfriends don't matter!" spat Captain Falcon. "Bragging about them just shows how dependant you are on 'em, you know!"

Seeing his reason had gone over like a lead balloon, Sonic zipped over to the Ice Climbers. "All right! Fine, then! You guys all wanna know the difference between a boy and a girl?!"

"YEAH!" demanded about 90% of the battlers.

"Ew, no!" Kirby covered his eyes. "Tell me when it's over! I don't wanna look!"

Sonic slapped a hand on Popo. "THIS is a boy!" He did the same to Nana. "And THIS is a girl! There you go! Case closed!"

"Oh! I get it now!" sarcastically said Fox. "So, girls always wear pink, while guys don't!"

"Wow, guys and girls are easier to tell apart than I thought," said Toon Link, taking him a little too seriously.

"Does that mean Kirby's a girl?" asked Popo.

"NOOOOOOO!" howled the puffball. "I'm a boy! Really!"

("Then how come we never see you in the bathroom?") asked Yoshi, suddenly interested.

He shrugged. "I DON'T KNOW! I just don't do that! I don't have the necessary means to!"

"Because you're a girl."

"I'M NOT!"

"Hey, hey, if anyone's a girl it's Marth. Trust me, I can tell," scoffed Bowser.

Marth twitched, scowling at him. "WILL YOU PLEASE?!"

"Now, I'm a man!" shouted someone.

"I'm a guy, too!" said someone else.

Pit and Red smirked as the subject began to get out of hand. That's just what they wanted, too.

"I'm not a girl!"

"Me, neither!"

"I punch people and laugh at their pain, so that really makes me a man!"

"I do that, too!"

"Same here!"

"Don't forget me!"

"Me, too!" shouted Link, a little more excited over this than he should be. He grabbed the bottom of his tunic. "I got proof!"

"OH, NO!" Zelda shielded her eyes. "I take your word!"

("Hey, hey, hey, HEY!") growled Pikachu. ("Man, keep your pants ON! I am not about to claw my eyes out over this, all right?!")

"See? This is exactly what I'm talking about! It's so hard to prove now who's really a guy without going blind! The good thing is that Red and I have come up with the perfect solution!" Pit pulled out some targets. "We will prove our manliness with these!"

Wolf frowned. "How's smashing some targets going to prove that?"

"Oh, you're not gonna be breaking them. Let's just say we'll be... giving them some much-needed water."

Donkey Kong's mouth dropped. ("YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS!")

"That's so stupid!" Falco stood, leaving. "I'm not about to get caught up in something this insane! You guys can go on and make fools of yourselves if you want, but I'm out! See you losers later!"

"Okay, then, Ms. Falco!" Pit waved. "We'll see you later! It's a shame you can't piss on targets like real men can!"

"Gimme that target!" He charged over and snatched it away. "I'll show you who's the real chicken around here, chicken!"

"Please do!" Pit was just asking for an asskicking. He really was.


Several minutes later, everyone was outside, like the crowd of idiots they truly were. Ness couldn't believe he was actually gonna be a part of this. And, apparently, neither could Lucas, as he was trying his absolutely hardest to keep close to Ness. He had a hunch why, but the fact it had nothing to do with the target-hitting contest frightened and confused him...

"All right then! Everyone has to hit the target, and if you don't, you're officially a girl!" exclaimed Pit, hanging the target on a tree. He then tossed out water bottles to everyone. "If you don't have the urge to go, keep drinking these until you do! If you already have to go, give your water to someone else, please. Thank you."

"You guys aren't really going to go through with this, are you?!" demanded Zelda, suddenly annoyed.

Link didn't face her. "I'm sorry, Zelda, but you girls just wouldn't get it, even if you tried! Our name as men is at stake! If we chicken out now, we'll never live it down!"

Jigglypuff scowled. ("Well, as stupid as it is, I can't say any other activity would be as well-fitted for a bunch of insecure wimps.")

He shrugged. "Well, it sounds pretty harsh when you say it like that, but yeah."

"Good, then! You idiots can make even bigger fools out of yourselves if you want to, because I refuse to partake of this!" Peach paraded over to Lucas. "Come on, sweetie. Let's leave these dolts to their work and go do something that actually requires brain cells."

Lucas was more than ready to oblige when Ganondorf pulled him back. "Hey, I don't think so! He's in on it, too!"

"Oh, come on! He's got more sense than that! Don't force him!"

"Who cares about sense when you've got your manhood to prove?! He may not have much, but neither does Link, therefore, he's in on it, too!"

"I heard that!" growled his nemesis.

"Here, kid!" He pushed him over to a broken Party Ball that was full of slips of paper. "Pick a number so we can go ahead and get this thing over with!"

"..." Reluctantly, he got a paper. "...29."

"Good." He hurled him out of the way. "Now, move it!" Pulling one, he exclaimed. "I got 32!"

Luigi pulled the next one. "Uh, I got 10."

Ness really didn't feel like doing this, but there was no way he'd be degraded as a girl. Pulling one, he muttered, "Five..."

Closing his eyes, Kirby chose one and blanched. "One?! Why do I have to go first?! I already told you I can't do this!"

Toon Link eyed him. "I still think you're the undercover girl."

"I'M NOT! Even if I was a girl," He frowned, "which I'm not, I couldn't go take... a bathroom... leak or... whatever! I don't have the parts to do it, whatever they may be!"

("I think he may be telling the truth,") said Lucario. ("Given his circumstances, who're we not to believe him?")

Wolf turned his nose up. "If that's the case, you got Number Two, so you're up next."

("...Fine") And he went off to do his business, hitting the target dead-on.

Approximately three minutes later, it was Ness' turn, Number Three's Meta Knight refusing, due to relations to Kirby, and Number Four's R.O.B. forfeiting, because he was technically an "it". Of course, they'd continue to consider him a dude, regardless.

"Ness? Your turn," said Mario.

"Oh, joy," he sarcastically rejoiced, taking his turn. He was a little wobbly at first, but only because the thing was hung so damn high. He hit the target, but couldn't stay steady on it, going up down it in frustration. This whole thing was completely void of any sanity.

"You made need glasses, but at least your one of us!" joked Fox as he finished.

"Well, huzzah, let's give me an award," he spat, being made more sarcastic then he was inclined to. Finished embarrassing himself for the sake of his manhood, he, almost instinctively, joined a brooding Lucas behind the others. ...Ugh, how did he keep getting stuck with him?

"Okay, so that was five, now who got six?" asked Mario. Why was he in charge of this when it wasn't his idea?

"Uh, that'd be me," said Toon Link, going over.

Pit smirked, elbowing Red in the side. "All right, see, now we've got her! This'll expose her for sure! There's no way she'll be able to hit that target!"

Red crossed his arms. "Well, this is the last straw, Pit. If this doesn't prove Lucas is a girl, I am done. Do you hear me? DONE."

"It will, it will! All we have to do is wait!" He rubbed his hands together. "And the best part is that we won't even have to go!"

"Why?"

"I got Number 34, and you got 31, didn't you?"

"Yeah..."

"Lucas is Number 29 and everyone'll be so shocked at the news, they'll completely forget about the rest of us!" He continued elbowing him. "Huh? Huh? Great idea, or what? Huh?"

The trainer glowered. "Stop it, or I'll break it."

He pouted. "Fine, then. Be that way."

Ness had to hand it to them. As idiotic as this was, it seemed there was nothing Lucas could do to escape the question of his gender. Then again, from what little he knew, girls were trickier and possibly smarter than guys... a big emphasis on probably. From the blank, staring expression on Lucas' face, he knew something was afoot. However this was gonna end, Ness could bet it wouldn't be pretty.


Water was chugged, water was spit... and things were excreted. Ness didn't bother watching that crap, and what bothered him even more was how focused most of the other dudes were on other dudes showing that poor target who was its master. It was a good thing they weren't doing this to Sandbag or they never hear the end of it.

("There!") growled Pikachu, walking off. ("And don't you guys ever forget it! I am a guy, all right?! I came here to rip off people's heads, not wet a stinkin' target on a tree! Cripes!")

Rolling his eyes, Mario attended to the list again. "All right! Number 29? Who got 29?"

"..." Lucas didn't answer, instead huffing oh-so-girlishly, like he'd just broken up with a bum boyfriend. That vision made Ness almost puke from the sheer wrongness of it.

Pit cleared his throat. "Pardon me for saying so, but I think that was Lucas! You know how shy he is..."

"Oh, yeah." Mario went back to looking at the list. "Diddy's after him, so get ready."

Not at all pleased he was being subjected to this, Lucas grudgingly made his way over to the target, its red-and-white circular structure taunting his natural inability to take a leak on it. Sighing, he turned his back as everyone was earlier instructed and... took a leak on it?

Ness had to do a double take, as well as Pit and Red. Shockingly enough, Lucas was able to pass with flying colors. His aiming way, way off, almost to the point where it looked like he'd never once relieved himself in his life, but after some horrible misses, he finally managed to keep a constant stream the very edge of the target. ...Ness didn't even want to know how.

Pit was horrified. "What the—?! But how?! T-t-that's impossible! She can't...!"

Red punched him in the arm. "I knew it! You faker! And here, you almost had me fooled! I knew he was one of us! I bet you're the one who can't hit it, aren'tcha?!"

"NO, IT'S ALL A LIE! And I'll prove it, too! I'LL SHOW YOU ALL!"

Unable to take being wrong anymore, he darted over to Lucas, who turned in time to express his displeasure with a crude, "Leave me alone! Go away! Knock it off!"

But the angel refused, grabbing him in places that would be better off not explaining. Lucas fought back pretty well, despite both hands suggesting he was still pissing away. After what could've very well been a slight bout of hatesex, Pit kicked Lucas in the head and pulled away, knocking the little dude out. Needless to say, it wasn't until this point that anyone expressed worry.

"Oh, snap! He ripped his watering can off!" spouted Popo, most likely due to a lack of more intelligent words.

"Oh, c'mon! I know the kid's a wuss, but that's just cruel! You didn't have the neuter the poor guy!" growled Ike, utterly disgusted.

"Oh, I tore his watering can off, all right!" Pit turned around to thrust it out, causing most of the Smashers to rear back and look away in disgust, a few still eagerly looking because they were messed up like that. Ness wasn't ashamed to admit he was one of those few.

Frowning, the psychic just had to question if what he saw was what he really thought he saw. "Is that... the water bottle?"

"That's right, the water bottle! The one he was supposed to drink from earlier!" Pit beamed. "Seems he was using the wrong tool, if you know what I mean."

Bowser facepalmed. "Great, the kid's just as stupid as he looks."

Link cupped his hands around his mouth. "Hey, FYI! You have to piss on the target, not use the bottle on it! No, duh!"

"Yeah, Lucas, why don't you go on and do that for us?" asked Pit, still smirking.

Lucas was in the perfect position to rip the angel limb for limb, starting with his wings, but at the same time, also wasn't. This was further proven as Pit tapped the back of his head with the bottle, even going as far as to turning him over, only to realize he was unconscious.

"Ha! He fainted!" guffawed Wario.

Pikachu busted out laughing. ("Oh, man! He must've thought you really tore it off! What a riot!")

Peach crossed her arms. "Oh, now do you see what happened?" She slapped a laughing Marth on the arm. "Look what you all did to him! That's not funny!"

Mario shook his head. "Ugh... Well... somebody go get him, and Diddy, hurry it up."

"No, no!" She pushed him angrily. "I'll go get him, and we'll make sure he's all right! I'll meet you in the infirmary."

He frowned. "Peach, he fainted. He does that all the time. Just give him some..."

"NOW, mister!"

"Ugh..."

("Hey, hey!") growled Diddy, waving his number. ("We didn't get to go yet! I was next!")

"If you must pursue your inane acts of idiocy, do it on your own accord!" snuffed the princess as she picked up Lucas. "Mario, don't dawdle! Get your rear in gear, you!"

"Yeah, yeah..." He grumbled, throwing on his doctor's outfit and following her.

("Oh, okay, good!") proclaimed Diddy, not even giving a second thought about the blonde. ("Now, it's my turn!")

Annoyed, Red punched Pit as he returned to him. "Nice going, loser!"

"What'd I do?!"

"I swear, if Lucas gets brain trauma from this, I'll have you wish your condition was only twice as bad when Charizard's done with you!"

"Oh, come on! They're taking him to the infirmary, and you know nitpicky Peach is. They'll find out for sure now!" He elbowed him again. "Trust me, it's all a matter of time!"

"It better be."

"It will! And I'll prove it!"

He proceeded to follow the two until Sonic stopped him. "Hey, hey! Where do you think you're going? You haven't gone yet, and if I hafta do something this stupid, then so do you!"

"Uh, Red'll take my turn."

The other boy commanded Ivysaur to whip his hindquarters. "The hell I won't! If it's really true what you say, we'll find out eventually, so we'll wait..."

Scowling, Ness turned to watch Peach carry off Lucas as if they were headed for a morgue, which they probably might've, had Lucas not been breathing. He'd never seen someone unconscious look so dead, and considering the ratio of unconsciousness around there, that was saying something.

He was ready to simply brush it off and hope for the best for him when he saw an eye open, look around, then quickly shut again. ...He could only gawk in shock. That little sneak! The whole fainting thing was all a ruse, a sham, a fake! And boy, was he good, almost too good at feigning unconsciousness. Well played, Lucas, using one of your biggest weak points as saving grace. Huh, he never would've guessed. Maybe women really were smarter than men...

At that moment, the next guy in line proved his manliness very well on the back of his head.

"Uh oh! Sorry!" came Red's apology, despite him totally doing that on purpose. "Sorry, my bad! Sorry! Accident, sorry! Be glad that wasn't Charizard, sorry!"

...And maybe he should start taking 10 showers a day for the rest of his life...


Authoress' Notes: And the plot thickens! ...I think.