For a moment, Dimitri the librarian just stood there. He knew the upcoming battle would be a bloodbath, but he also knew that letting the vile-smelling armor-clad ruffians enter these holy grounds would be an affront to the lord Stalin. Dimitri looked about and saw his newly trained "recruits" hastily fortifying the library. The conscripts were simply stacking books to create barricades near the windows and doors. Poor fools, thought Dimitri as he walked across a balcony overlooking the library, these brave Russian students will surely be meeting their demise. His thoughts continued to stray to such depressing matters, but his better judgement told him to simply… let it go. Let it go, Dimitri thought, I am being one with the wind and sky.
Over the clamour of book stacking and paper mache, the voice of Dimitri's mortal foe, Sir Doobius VI could be heard. "Let's get down to business, lads, to defeat the Russians," he cried, his giant armor-plated gauntlet holding a rather large torch of hemp. "Did they send me daughters to siege this settlement, or did they send me sons? You lot are the saddest bunch I've ever met, but you would be correct in betting that, before we're through, I will have made men out of you." The men clamoured a unanimous roar of comradery at his speech of heroism.
Sir Doobius then continued. "Saint Doobie will have me made king for this glorious victory. And I shall be a mighty king, so enemies beware!"
A rather scrawny, feeble man near the leader murmured something close to "Well, I've never seen a king of beasts with quite so little hair," referring of course to Sir Doobius' most harrowed secret; his testicles were completely hairless.
Sir Doobius struck the man aside the head with his heavily-plated gauntlet, replying "There'll be no weed rations for you this next week. Anyway, let it be stated in the Great Records of the Order of Saint Doobie that I, Sir Doobius VI, simply cannot wait to be king."
One of the squires towards the front of the crowd shouted "But sir, what will our next move be following the siege?"
At this, Sir Doobius gave out a hearty laugh. "Next, squire, we shall be going under da sea, of course! There we shall seek a long-lost relic sacred to our order. With such an item, we shall be a single step closer to complete dominion over the feeble world of man. And know, my dear fellows, that it is better down where it's wetter! Take it from me! After we have expanded our control using this relic, we shall usher in a whole new world, a new fantastic point of view. Once we have achieved this, there'll be no one to tell us 'no' or where to go."
Another voice rose from the crowd. "But what of the heretics, m'lord? What shall we do about them?"
Yet another weed-filled chuckle came from their overlord. "Why, I'll chase them anywhere. There's time to spare. But I can assure you, boys, that the enemy shall be vanquished!" Another ferocious roar of agreement came from the crowd. This was the last straw for Dimitri; the librarian knew he had to speak up.
"You are to be thinking you are owning whatever land you are landing on, the Earth is being just a dead thing you can be claiming. But I am to be knowing that every rock, and tree, and creature within this union is to be having a life, is to be having a spirit, is to be having a name."
The knight rose up in reply. "Take a look, brother, within a book. The Prophecy states that the Dank Order will reign supreme and found a might empire!"
"Ach! Like the mighty Battle of Berlin, in which my father was lost his life in being a Katyusha-related incident, we shall be victorious over you filthy mu'daks!"
"Hmm, it's a small world after all. A long-lost kin of mine also lost their life in the Battle of Berlin. Oddly enough, he perished in a Katyusha rocket barrage. It would appear that there is more to this conflict than mere territorial gain, you mosquito-buggering basket-cockle. I look forward to meeting you on the field of battle!"
"And I shall be remembering this conversation when our glorious tools destroy your forces in a single stroke. I shall be keeping this close, indeed. In fact, you might be willing to be saying that you, and your foolish words, will be being in my heart." With that, the two faction leaders turned their backs to each other and returned to their men, eager to face the other in the upcoming battle.
