Chapter 4 – Weddings and Scarves

Disclaimer: you know where it is, go fish.

And it's a long wait again folks! Because I've been taken off the internet by the evil stepfather for NO REASON WHATSOEVER!!!!!

OHMIGOSH!!!! I can't believe I forgot to include 2 REVIEWERS last chapter!!! How could I do such a terrible thing?

Magic by Merlin: (chuckles quietly) glad to hear there wasn't actually a murder :)

Paula 545: (bows) glad you like it!

Anyhow… new reviewers;

Paula 545: poor Edwin indeed… even poorer Edwin in this chapter!

Lynette McGregor: give me a few weeks to write the chapter woman!

Mystical-Magickal-Witch: I wasn't aware of the Hornblower influence, but Blackadder was purely intentional! (Bows) thank you!

Magic by Merlin: Merlin will get it as well… but later… much later… I have a little plan for this chapter which may be rather amusing… :P

Mapleleaf07: We're visiting Gaius in this one, and the next one, and the next…

Punkrose1818: Edwin's the crazy physician guy who took over from Gaius in one of the episodes before Lancelot… can't remember which one, but his face looks like grated mozzarella on one side… you can find out more about him on the BBC Merlin website! I'm glad you like my fic!

Lady Nightwisp: thank you! (Bows) I'm sure Lady Clark will be very happy to hear that you enjoy her stories so much! And I'm also glad that you find this one amusing!

Drip, drop, drip, drop

Edwin woke, muzzy headed, to the sound of the water that was dripping on his face. He was surrounded by the crazy girls who had attacked him; they were now giggling evilly and poking him with very sharp and pointy straws.

He snarled at them.

"My master will place Vengeance upon you." He growled, "And you shall regret torturing me,"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, and I'm Glenda the good," one of the girls replied, poking him in the side with her straw.

"Deannie, you're more evil than most of us," one of the other girls replied, poking Edwin with her straw.

"By the way," another informed the captive, "If you ever get out of this alive –"

"Which isn't going to happen," a fourth interrupted.

"Mysty, shut up and let me finish will you?" the third one snapped, "if you ever get out of this alive, Edwin, tell your master that Robin's Revenge Army are here to avenge… and we have some very interesting ways of getting revenge… right girls?"

The girls all murmured their assent and cackled evilly. Edwin sighed; it was going to be a long day.

True enough, 3 hours later they'd only just begun using the thumbscrews on his… family jewels, shall we say… and they were also grating his face. He passed out rather quickly after that.

Voldy cackled evilly as she used a computerised machine to tighten the thumbscrews – everyone was staying out of the way of Voldy and her machine (they knew what happened when you tried to get her to stop using the thumbscrews… they'd seen it on Kamal Hadley).

Maple decided to push several random buttons until she came to a bright red one that said "DO NOT PRESS" in big letters. Being Maple, and being hyper, she pressed it and the thumbscrews tightened rapidly until-

"EEEEEEEEEWWWW!!!!!" everybody shrieked, including Voldy, who ran off and threw up in a bucket and only came back 20 minutes later. She dragged Maple out by her hair and the others, who weren't really listening because they were trying to clear up the mess, could hear a massive screaming match going on at the far end of the corridor.

A few moments later, Merlin came in, pale, shaken, and with his scarf missing.

The girls raised their eyebrows as he closed the door behind him, blotting out the sounds of the argument at the far end of the corridor.

"Scarf?" Mysty asked.

Merlin made a wild gesture to signify the girls at the end of the corridor.

"Voldy?" Midge asked. Merlin nodded.

"We should've known," L.C sighed, "Merlin, could you help us clean up this mess?"

Merlin looked at the carnage before him, "What happened?" he asked.

"Maple," Mira replied, "That's why Voldy's screaming at her; I think she wanted to do it."

"Do what?"

The girls shuddered.

"You don't want to know" Cee and Paula replied. Merlin shrugged and vanished the gooey mess that was once part of Edwin. Voldy and Maple came in seconds later, grinning like Maniacs. Voldy was cackling in her usual insane way.

"Guess what we've just found out!" Maple gloated as Voldy ran off to get something.

"What?" Zara asked, looking at Deannie and grinning.

"A certain druid nutcase is threatening Camelot," Voldy replied, heaving several crates of orange baubles behind her, "And his name begins with 'M'."

The girls instantaneously started grabbing the crates of Baubles and hauling them up the stairs, each one giggling at the thought of blowing up the druid boy.

"Y'know what I think?" Mysty suddenly commented when the crates of baubles lined the battlements.

"What?" L.C asked.

"I think there should be a wedding," Mysty replied, "There hasn't been a decent wedding since we married Archer to Voldy," they both looked over at Voldy who was now explaining the potions to Merlin in a very moody manner.

"No, no, no, no!" she screamed exasperatedly, "They don't blow up in the glass because it's magically reinforced! I told you that several times! They explode when they get into contact with the air because they aren't surrounded by glass!"

Mysty grinned, "Those two argue like a married couple don't you think?"

L.C realised what Mysty was implying, "Voldy will kill you for this, you know that don't you?"

"Nah," Mysty shrugged, "remember she and Maple were discussing whether they should get various Merlin characters to marry RRA members last night, and Voldy said she had dibs on Merlin,"

L.C grinned; this was going to be fun…

"Dearly beloved we are gathered here today to witness the enslavement of Merlin to Voldy. If anyone has a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace."

Voldy and Merlin raised a hand each.

"Apart from the bride and groom."

The pair grumbled and put their hands down. Nobody else dared to put up their hands because the RRA were holding various different and highly nasty-looking weapons.

"Mysty I swear the next time I have a new potion I am going to test it on you," Voldy growled, "And as for you, Lady Clark-Weasley of Books, don't even get me started on this hideous thing," she gestured to the frilly white dress she'd been put in and scowled.

L.C ignored this statement and breezed on, "Do you Merlin, take Voldy to be your lawful wedded wife, to have and to hold, to love and cherish, to honour and obey, to do the chores for until the day that you die?"

Merlin gulped, considered the situation and nodded mutely.

"Coward," Voldy muttered.

"Um, Voldy? They have chainsaws," Merlin replied.

"Silence in court please – I mean church, of course," L.C grinned, "And do you, Voldy, take Merlin to be your lawful wedded husband? To have and to hold, to love and disobey, to completely ignore, to kick butt until the day that you die?"

"How much do I get paid if I agree?"

"VOLDY!"

"ALRIGHT FINE!" Voldy shrieked, "But you owe me!"

"Then I now pronounce you man and wife!" L.C declared, "You may kiss the bride,"

"NO YOU BLOOMIN WELL MAY NOT!" Voldy shrieked, finally breaking free of the ropes they'd tied her in and grabbing Mysty. 20 seconds later, she was back, dragging Mysty, who was now tied up and wearing the awful frilly dress. Voldy grabbed Arthur and shoved them on the alter before pushing L.C off and standing on the execution platform before the pair.

"Dearly beloved we are gathered here today…"

By the time they were all finished trying to kill each other, L.C had several cuts and bruises, including a black eye and Mysty had her arm in a sling after it had been pulled out of its socket by Voldy, who sustained nothing more than a nasty cut on her forehead. Everyone else was grinning like a maniac as Gaius tended L.C's wounds while she glared acidly at Voldy.

"So why were you fighting?" Gaius asked, moving on to Mysty and pulling her shoulder back into its socket.

"Someone decided she and L.C were going to make me marry Merlin," Voldy replied, looking pointedly at her sister, "Of course, I got my own back afterward,"

"How?" Gaius asked.

Voldy cackled, "I made her marry Arthur," she pointed to the prince who was scowling over at them next to Merlin. Gaius raised his eyebrows.

"I know what you mean," Maple giggled, "Who'd want to marry Arthur? I've been asking myself the same question."

"Right," Arthur stood up and glared at Maple, "If I had to marry someone against my will and so did Merlin, I think that we should choose one of you to marry the first person to enter Camelot tomorrow morning."

"Sounds fair," Maple grinned, "Who will you choose, oh, your royal pratty-ness?"

"You," Arthur pointed at Maple. Maple stared at him. Everyone else stared at them both. The silence was only broken when Voldy cackled evilly and said something about securing the town gates. She, Maple, L.C, Mysty, Paula and Josie ran from the room with Merlin just before the other RRA girls attacked Arthur and gave him a particularly garish makeover.

Voldy grinned as she scanned each and every one of the potential entrants to Camelot, turning away everyone and saying, "wait here, we're looking for someone special and nobody's allowed in before he is. King's orders."

A young man in a suit of Armour approached the gates.

"'scuse me, but could you take the helmet off?" Voldy asked, "We kind of need to see your face,"

"If you insist," the knight replied, removing his helmet.

Voldy recognised Lancelot immediately. She pushed him through the gate and then said, "It's okay now! You can all go in!"

The RRA girls practically dragged Lancelot to see Arthur in the fighting ring.

He was defending himself against a crazy thirteen-year-old-girl that they recognised all too well.

"Maple!" Voldy called, "We've found one!"

Maple suddenly produced a pillow and whacked Arthur with it – he was covered in rotten eggs by the time she'd finished.

Mysty sighed and produced a wand, "Scourgify!" she exclaimed; Arthur was instantly clean and nice-smelling again. Voldy sniffed.

"Is that lemon?"

"Voldy, shut up,"

"But I like lemon," Voldy explained, sniffing the air again, "It smells like lemon! I want some lemonade!!!!" The RRA each produced cans of Lemonade and downed them in one.

"Well, we can't stand here gossiping!" Cee grinned, clapping her hands, "we have a wedding to prepare!"

"Wedding?" Lancelot asked, "Whose?"

"Yours," Mira replied evenly, "and Maple's. Arthur's idea… blame him."

Lancelot stared helplessly at the prince as he was dragged away by several of the crazy girls.

"I want to do it!"

"No! Me!"

"Aww… Please?"

"NO!"

"But you always do it!"

"I have more experience"

"Right. Rock paper scissors, best out of 3," Voldy decided, "One two three!"

Voldy did a rock, L.C did scissors.

"One, two, three!"

This time, L.C won.

"You cheated!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Not!"

"Too!"

"Not!"

"Too!"

"SHUT UP!" Lolly screamed; Voldy and L.C calmed down.

"I'll do it," Mira decided, "seeing as you guys can't stop arguing,"

The pair sulked at each other for a while before running off to help Maple get ready for the wedding.

"I'm so glad she isn't wearing the frilly thing you put me in," Voldy muttered as they watched Maple glide up the isle towards them as they held the struggling Lancelot in place.

"Frilly is traditional," L.C replied, "And besides; you made me wear it when I was marrying Fred and George,"

"L.C, I wasn't here when you married Fred and George," Voldy sighed, rolling her eyes, "I joined much later,"

L.C shrugged, "Still, you looked hilarious."

Voldy grinned, "So do you,"

L.C scowled at Voldy, "Shut up." She replied shortly; Voldy had forced her to wear the frilly dress as revenge for the forced weddings. Everyone fell silent as Maple finished gliding up the isle and stopped in front of Mira next to them.

Mira cleared her throat.

"Dearly beloved!" she announced, "Ladies, Gentlemen and variations thereupon!" she winked at the other RRA girls who all looked pointedly at Arthur, who had been strapped to a chair and forced into girly clothes by Mysty, who was sat next to him giggling like a lunatic. Several people laughed.

"Anyway!" Mira interrupted, "Now we have the humiliations out the way I can actually do the ceremony," she cleared her throat again, "Dearly beloved we are gathered here today to witness the enslavement of this…" she paused, "Knight or man or whatever, to this terrorist. If anyone has reasons that this couple should not be joined…" Lancelot started to raise his arm "…Apart from the groom…" Lancelot put his hand back down again, "… then speak now or forever hold your –"

"STOP!" a voice shouted from the back of the crowd. The RRA turned and glared at the soldier responsible but he didn't pause, "There is a Druid at the gates with an army of magical creatures!"

Voldy rolled her eyes, "Lolly, Cee, Soapy, Josie, Paula, with me." The group marched off to the battlements, there was a moments' pause and then a lot of screaming before the girls reappeared, Voldy cackling evilly, and took their seats.

"So sorry, do carry on." Cee grinned, high-fiving the others and sitting back down.

"Right, no objections?" Arthur hurriedly put his hand down as the RRA produced chainsaws, "No? Good. Then we can begin." L.C coughed slightly, "Do you Maple, take this… Knight or man or whatever the hell he is… to be your lawful wedded husband? To love and disobey, to ignore and dishonour? To kick butt until the day you die?"

"Yup!" Maple grinned smugly at the glaring Arthur behind her.

"And do you, Lancelot, take this terrorist –"

"Of COURSE he does!" Josie grinned, "Just finish the ceremony so we can unfreeze Mordred and kill him!"

L.C glared at Josie, "Then I now pronounce you Knight… man… thing… and wife. You may kiss the bride if you really want, but I think she wants to join the torture Mordred session."

You couldn't see the RRA for dust.

"Surrender Camelot or be obliterated!" Mordred roared up at the giggling girls who were stood on the battlements.

"YOU surrender or YOU'LL be obliterated!" Mira shrieked in reply, holding a glowing orange potion-bomb threateningly. Voldy sniggered from her position on the battlements as she juggled a variety of multi-coloured potions to entertain the children.

"My armies far outnumber yours!" Mordred called back angrily, "Surrender or die!"

"Might I interject?" Voldy asked, stopping her juggling and turning towards the hated druid, "3 things you need to know; One; We're the RRA, three of us is enough to make Hitler wet the bed; Two; we are the ones who got through an army 20 times the size of yours and forced their leader to suffer a horrific death; Three; there's a lot of fan-girls who would very much like to meet you –"

"Voldy," Mira warned, "No fan-girls"

"Only in extreme circumstances, Mira" Voldy replied, jangling the keys which hung from a belt at her hips and grinning wildly.

"Under no circumstances at all, Voldy," L.C ordered sternly, "remember what happened last time?"

"What? When they destroyed Isabella, Vaisey and other people we hate?" Voldy asked innocently.

"No, the time they nearly killed us because we were married to people they wanted," Maple reminded, "The time when you had to pretend that Caspian was through the portal to the puritan world of no return to get them all to go in,"

"Oh yeah," Voldy grinned, "That was fun, Poor Caspian though."

"Poor us," Cee muttered, "I still haven't forgiven you for what they did to Gisbourne,"

Voldy merely cackled and turned her attention to Mordred, who was now looking rather irritated."

"ATTACK!" Mordred shrieked to his forces. They started to move towards the castle.

"WAIT!" Voldy suddenly shrieked, "There's only ONE way to solve this!"

"Ten quid," Mysty muttered to L.C.

"Done," L.C replied.

"GO FISH!" Voldy shrieked, giggling evilly.

Mysty smirked, "pay up." She whispered, holding out her hand. L.C grumbled and handed her a ten pound note.

"Jack."

"Go fish."

Mordred glared at Voldy and picked up a card; Voldy already had five fours, whilst Mordred only had one.

"Five."

"DAMMIT!" Mordred threw the two fives at her. She made a grab for them as they skidded off the table and were picked up by various other RRA girls.

"Thank you," she put down the set, "Queens"

Mordred gave her his queen. She grinned evilly.

"Sevens."

"I hate you," Mordred glared, handing over his three sevens and watching as she put down her seventh set.

"Nines"

"Go fish."

Voldy shrugged and picked up a card. She suddenly started laughing and put down the Queens.

"Twos."

"Go. Fish." Voldy replied slowly, smirking.

He picked up another card.

"Nines" Voldy enquired; Mordred gave her his last nine and she put down her last cards.

"I think we know who won," Arthur concluded as he looked at the cards on the table.

Mordred suddenly upturned the table in a fit of rage.

"You cheated!" he roared, pointing an accusing finger at Voldy, "You cheated so you could win!"

"It was either that or strip poker," Midge replied, "And trust me, she's even beaten Jack at that one." The RRA shuddered collectively.

"Note to self; burn the Boeist bible at the first opportunity," Voldy muttered, getting up, "either that or ban Jack from ever reading it again; he might have copies."

"Will have copies," L.C corrected, "This is Jack we're talking about."

"True" Voldy nodded, "But I think the world would be a lot safer if we just banned Jack from playing strip poker."

The other girls nodded in agreement.

"You still cheated," Mordred muttered sourly; the girls rolled their eyes in exasperation.

"Sore looser," Voldy replied evenly, "you can't touch this,"

That last statement initiated a random dance from the girls, with the exception of Lolly, who was playing the music from Voldy's phone. They were all singing the song at the tops of their voices.

"Duh, duh, duh, duh… duh, duh… duh, duh Can' touch this!" they sang, performing their little victory dance and taunting the druid before Mira and Maple suddenly picked him up and hurled him out the window. The gang listened to his rapidly diminishing shrieks with looks of glee on their faces before they heard the crash that told them he had landed on a small derelict building. There was a long pause, broken by a quiet maniacal giggle from Voldy, who proceeded to high-five Maple and Mira.

"We should've thrown him from a trebuchet," Maple muttered to herself, her eyes glazing over as she imagined how far he would fly.

"We still have Edwin…" Midge muttered, "Not that I'm suggesting anything," she added hastily, but it was too late; Mysty and L.C were now giggling insanely at the idea.

"Ready?"

Voldy held the Axe high over the rope, "Yup!" she replied.

"Good, then we can begin," L.C cleared her throat; "Edwin, you have been charged with sedition and treason and would be sentenced to death by beheading, but Voldy managed to get Uther drunk and make him pass his powers to us for the duration of our stay. Therefore, you have been sentenced to death by being flung from a massive catapult whilst having several of Voldy's most explosive potions. You will die from spontaneous combustion. Adios!" she signalled to Voldy, who swung the axe, missed, swung again and cut the rope, sending Edwin flying. Everybody watched as he fell from the sky and blasted into smithereens. Voldy cackled evilly.

"Voldy," Mysty began.

"Yeah? What?" Voldy asked.

"What happens if they find out the ingredients for the potions?"

"Well, they can try, but they're missing one crucial ingredient."

"What?" Maple asked, evidently confused.

Voldy grinned; "Merlin's scarf."

Well! That's it! (Happy dance) I hope you enjoyed the insane dancing and weddings! Have fun reviewing! (Hint, hint!)

Flames will be used to make popcorn. Thank you.