[Super Adventure Club, a stormy night]
Mr. Connolly: Tally ho, lads! I must say you're starting to become quite a thorn in my balls.
Stan: Where's Chef?! What have you done with him?!
Mr. Connolly: He's safe. [presses a remote control. The main screen comes on and Chef is shown strapped down to a bed while William sits in a chair at its foot] He's fasting in the Deprivation Room and being read the Super Adventure Club manual. We've got to undo the damage you've done.
Cartman: Look: If you wanna go around the world molesting kids, that's totally fine. But why do you need Chef?!
Mr. Connolly: We don't need him, he needs us! Our club offers hope. Do you think we go around the world molesting children just because it feels really really really really good?! No! Our club has a message! And a secret that explains the mysteries of life!
Stan: Oh Jesus, here we go.
Mr. Connolly: Very well. I'm now going to tell you the secret of the Super Adventure Club.
Stan: We don't wanna hear it.
Mr. Connolly: You see, the Super Adventure Club was founded by the greatest explorer of all time, William P. Phinehas![a gregarious man with an open smile in the picture] Phinehas climbed the highest peaks, tamed the mightiest rivers, [a shot of him climbing up a mountain] but every time he got somewhere, he realized that other explorers had beat him to it.[A shot of Phinehas reaching a summit, only to find two Brits there, celebrating] Phinehas was depressed, until he realized that if he couldn't be the first to discover places, he could be the first to have sex with the native children that inhabited those areas! [Phinehas with some Australian natives] Phinehas quickly went down in history books as the first man to have sex with the Aborigine children at Uluru, and the first explorer to bugger all the underage mountainfolk of Nepal. [a shot of him with those kids] But now the most wonderful part. You see, after having sex with all those children, Phinehas realized that... molesting all those kids... had made him immortal.
Stan: Immortal?
Mr. Connolly: He discovered that children have things called marlocks in their bodies. [a graphic of kid bodies appears, and bright dots dapple them and move around] And when an adult has sex with a child, the marlocks implode, feeding the adult receptive cavity with energy that causes immortality, so saith the ruler of Bethos. [a blue monster alien with a bright red crown. Next shot, Phinehas in the gondola of a hot-air balloon with several boys] Phinehas traveled the world, loving many, many children, and he lived for eternity. Until he was hit by a train in 1892. [a shot of Phinehas' body on the train's bumper]
Kyle: ...Do you realize how retarded that sounds?
Mr. Connolly: Is it any more retarded than the idea of God sending his son to die for our sins? Is it any more retarded than Buddha sitting beneath a tree for twenty years?
Stan: Yeah, it's way, way more retarded. |- !Mr. Connolly: |Well, now that you know our club secrets, it appears you ... leave us no choice. I'm afraid we're going to have to... ask you to leave. [dramatic fanfare]
Stan: We're not leaving without Chef.
Mr. Connolly: If you choose not to leave, then I'm afraid we're just going to have to ... call security and make you leave.[dramatic fanfare] You'll be let out by security and it will be super-embarrassing and everyone here will see! [laughs more and more sinisterly. Moments later...] Okay, you know how like, when you want people to leave but they won't leave, it's really frustrating?
Kyle: We're not going anywhere without Chef.
Mr. Connolly: Cool people leave before they've overstayed their welcome. [the boys do not move] You petulant fools! You just had to push it, didn't you? You don't realize who you're dealing with here. Security! [two officers come out and stand behind the boys] Take these boys to the door.
Guard 1: All right, come on kids.
Kyle: No! Hey!
Mr. Connolly: [the lights come on] Haha! Look they're being led out by security! Haha!
!Stan: [to one of the guards] No, you don't understand! They've got our friend in the Deprivation Room!
Guard 2: This is their house and they don't want you here. [about to push Stan out the door. Kyle grabs a bat from a nearby jar and whacks the second guard in the back and the first guard on the legs. They both fall. The boys run towards the Deprivation Room]
Kyle: Sorry, dude, but this fruity little club isn't taking our friend!
[The Deprivation Room. William reads to Chef]
William: And sex with Eskimo children requires some special skills. [the boys break the door down]
Kyle: Chef, come on!
Chef: Children!
William: Get out of here!
Cartman: Kenny! Spin Blossom Nut Squash!
Kenny: [launches himself into a spinning projectile] (Yeeeeehah!) [smashes William's groin. William doubles over in pain]
Stan: [rushes up to Chef] Come on, Chef!
Chef: [struggling] I can't... break these locks. [those are solid locks indeed]
Kyle Here! [walks up to the fallen William, gets a small ax from him, walks up to Chef and chops the locks open. They escape the Deprivation Room]
To Be Continued...
