Remember Who You Are

Summary: The Enterprise is sent to represent Starfleet at the opening of a memorial at the new colony on the restored planet of Tarsus IV. Jim is distressed, but his crew doesn't know why.

AN: HOLY COW you guys! I can't believe the response I'm getting for this story! 40 favs, 55 followers, and 28 reviews! Thank you all so, so much. I'm glad you like this story. I even got a few author favs and follows! (You do realize I've only written two other stories, and both are oneshots and only one is Star Trek? Not that I'm complaining! I'm honored!)

AN2: Thank you to those of you who caught my timeline mistake: Tarsus didn't happen 27 years ago, it happened 13 years ago. Jim's 27 years old. (I'm guessing I got mixed up with the Kelvin incident or something. How I managed that, I'll never know.) Anyways, I've fixed that in the last chapter now.

AN3: Did you guys see the American Google logo for September 7-8th, 2012 (yesterday/today)? It's Star Trek themed! TOS themed actually, but still. For those of you outside of the US, I bet you can find it on the Google Doodles page. Go to google and type google doodles into the search engine, and it should be the first search result. I just checked that website however, and since the Star Trek google doodle is still up right now, it hasn't been added to the page yet. But I'm willing to bet it will be up there sometime tomorrow. It's interactive, so you'll need to click on it to get all the animations. Look for the tribbles in the transporter room - I almost missed them.

As always, thanks to FyreFlyte for reading this, getting excited about it, and encouraging me to get it all written.

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek, Star Trek:2009, Jim Kirk, Spock, Tarsus, etc. And the title of this story was inspired by the song Sound the Bugle by Bryan Adams from the Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron Soundtrack

Chapter 5: JT

"I first met JT the day after he arrived on Tarsus," Tom began. "He moved from Earth to live with his aunt and uncle. To this day I don't know what his full name was; his aunt called him Jimmy but everyone else called him JT. We were neighbors, so my mom sent me over with a plate of cookies to welcome him. We became great friends and hung out after school. JT was extremely smart, taking extra classes in school along with joining at least eight clubs, and yet somehow always found the time to play or explore with our friends. Sometimes I could have sworn he was in two places at once."

Bones leaned over and bumped Jim with his elbow. "Now who do I know who's like that?" he muttered. Jim grunted in reply, but inside he felt sick. Bones would throw a fit if he found out just how similar JT and his captain were.

"When Kodos gathered half the colony in the center of town," Tom continued, "JT wasn't on the list of people who were supposed to be there. But I was, so he snuck in under the guard's notice to be with me. I think it's safe to say that everyone had a bad feeling about what was going on. JT seemed to catch on to what was about to happen a split second before everyone else did. In that second, he pulled me to the ground and threw himself over me. That split-second decision saved our lives. We were able to crawl through the chaos as people fell around us, people we knew, as soldier fired their weapons over our heads. We escaped the massacre and took refuge in a sheltered cave outside the colony which JT had discovered not long after he had arrived on planet, before he stopped exploring the forest in favor of hanging out in town with his friends.

That night, we snuck back in to the colony. The bodies had been left in the street. We didn't look. Somehow, a fire had started and burned down the whole west side of town. I followed JT through the streets as we snuck around, avoiding guards with guns and searching for survivors or for any friends or an adult that would shelter us. We went onto abandoned houses looking for food, and found more bodies. In one house we discovered Kev, a seven-year-old boy crouching next to his mother's body, sobbing, alone, and terrified. JT picked him up, shushed and comforted him, and carried him out of the house. We were going to check more houses for more survivors, but a guard spotted us and we were forced to run as he fired at us. The next night, JT decided to go back alone to search for more survivors and food. He wouldn't let me or Kev accompany him because he sought to protect us, and didn't want us to have to kill anybody in order to escape if we got caught. Every time he found someone, he brought them to the cave, gave them to me to take care of, and went back. This went on for three nights. In that time, he came back with twenty-three more children.

After that, we settled into a sort of routine. We had a kind of sick bay set up in the back, and a patrol schedule with groups who went out searching in the wilderness during the day and in the colony at night for supplies and food. JT was our leader. No one ever made it official, but we all looked to him and he always took control. He participated in all the colony runs at night. I assume he insisted on that as his way of coping with everything and to assure himself that we were as protected as possible. As time wore on and we waited for rescue, some of our members died from starvation or sickness. Each death his everyone hard, but JT helped us keep going. He insisted each time that they receive a proper burial, and kept us all from despairing."

Tom paused, not meeting the eyes of the crowd, and continued with his story. "One day, five days before Starfleet arrived though we didn't know that at the time, our nightly colony search group was seen by soldiers. The soldiers shot at them, killing Fred and May and injuring JT in the leg. I carried him back, but we couldn't do very much. Even coming down with a fever and unable to walk, JT kept reminding us that we needed to keep ourselves together and not give up. He helped me comfort and organize our little family when our oldest member died, leaving me in charge since JT was injured. And he only kept getting worse. By this point, I doubt anyone would have lasted another week. As it was, two more kids died before Starfleet arrived and JT was next in line."

Tom shifted his weight, swallowing thickly. "As soon as we saw a Starfleet spaceship in orbit, Kev and I tried to get JT medical attention as soon as possible by bringing him to the officers. You-you've already heard what happened after that."

Someone in the crowd sobbed out loud. Jim shook his head in dismay. Hearing it out loud confirmed it; his life was really sad. And he was a jerk for not contacting Tom before, and he was a coward for not telling him that he was alive now. Lovely.

"That was the last time we saw JT," Tom continued, staring down. There were murmurs of sympathy from the crowd. "We tried to locate him in the spaceship's sickbay as soon as we could, which was four days after he'd been beamed up, but his name wasn't listed in the patient's registry. The nurse told us that someone had died two days ago and their remains had already been deposited in space. I didn't want to believe it. I even checked a couple local hospital registries near my grandparents' house on Earth a couple months later when I found myself wishing he was alive again. It was…hard to accept his death. He was so close to making it. It wasn't fair." Tom took a moment to breathe deeply. Jim noticed that he pointedly did not look towards the Starfleet section.

"But whenever I start despairing or wondering why life's worth living," Tom finally continued, looking up with renewed determination, "I think of him. We all do. We think of what he would do, how he would want us to live our lives, and it helps us carry on. Ladies and gentlemen, I ask you now to hold a minute of silence with me in honor of the greatest man I ever knew who gave me and sixteen others a chance to live."

That was it. Jim was not holding a minute of silence for himself, especially when he didn't deserve it.

He stood up and inched past Bones, Uhura, and Spock. "What the heck Jim!" Bones hissed quietly. He reached out to grab Jim's wrist, but Uhura stopped him. She narrowed her eyes at Jim, studying his face, and seemed to come to the conclusion that he needed a moment alone. Jim gave her a grateful nod and slipped out of the large tent.

And so Jim missed how Tom narrowed his eyes when Jim exited during the moment of silence, and also exited the tent when he was finished with his speech. He missed the reading of the list of names of those who died. He missed hearing the name James Kirk go by, obviously pulled out of a list of visitors who were on-planet at the time and weren't among the survivors. Leonard McCoy, Spock, Nyota Uhura, Montgomery Scott, Pavel Chekov, Hikaru Sulu, and Kevin Riley, did not.

Jim passed his hand over his face. He knew what must have happened with the hospital miscommunication. Apparently he had been in such bad shape that he had been sent off to a hospital on Earth almost immediately, probably before Tom and Kev had been able to try to find him. Apparently he had also gone into a coma for three weeks. When he had finally woken up, he hadn't given the annoying doctor his real name, and promptly escaped from the hospital two weeks later as soon as he had been able to stand again. Then began the process of trying to live without remembering what he'd left behind, the good and the bad. He had made his way back to Iowa and temporarily stayed in his empty house (Frank was still in prison, Sam was gone, and his mother was somewhere in space) until he had made enough money from odd-end jobs to move into a rundown apartment and buy his own beer. And that's how he'd stayed for years and years, wallowing in self-pity, acting like a lunatic when his stepfather eventually got out of prison, and doing nothing with his potential except woo women and occasionally take an online class in order to make sure he was prepared for anything. And because he liked proving the teachers wrong about him and what he could do. There was something exhilarating about defying expectations. Of course, that trait was how Pike had roped him into joining Starfleet, and being with Starfleet was the reason he was back on Tarsus now. Curse himself for being so easily drawn into crazy situations.

Jim sighed, staring over at the Rememberance Building. With nowhere else to go unless he wanted to beam back to the Enterprise and face the questions from whatever crew members were still up there, or walk all the way back to town where a bunch of colonists who weren't at the memorial ceremony would see him, he entered the dark complex for the first time.

Saying it was sad was a gross understatement. Seeing the images again made him want to kill Governor Kodos slowly and painfully over and over for the rest of eternity using every form of torture ever used. Fortunately for Kodos, he was already dead. Jim made his way deeper into the exhibit, following the story of the famine from the first signs of crop failure to the unanswered distress signal to the rationing of food to the massacre of half the colony. When he got to the section about the arrival of Starfleet he froze, staring in horror at the largest picture in the room. Right there in the center, surrounded by dozens of other pictures, news reports, and personal accounts, was a picture of JT. A broken, bleeding, half-dead JT in the arms of another boy who looked too emaciated and frail to be carrying his friend. A younger boy, just as sickly and thin as the other, was clutching Jim's hand, mouth open in a silent plea forever captured on film. He'd never realized just how bad it had been. Seeing himself made everything real again, the memories crystal clear again. No, he was definitely not over Tarsus. He never had been.

"Sad, isn't it," a voice said from behind Jim as Tom walked over to stand next to him. Jim didn't respond for fear of sobbing if he opened his mouth. He had always had trouble believing that anyone cared for him, what with Sam leaving, his mother not being able to look at him, and Frank always beating him and telling him he was worthless. Now, to see this image of his former friends in so much distress because they were worried about him, the realization that he had ignored and therefore hurt the first people in his life who had actually cared finally fully sunk in and hit him like a bucket of cold water. What could he possibly say or do now? It's not like he could just reveal himself now and expect to be forgiven. He didn't think he could deal with having Kev and Tom turn their backs on him, didn't want to ruin the hero image they looked up to for support when they realized he was actually a coward. No, it was too late to tell them. He could never tell anyone.

In that moment, Jim felt more alone then he ever had before.

Tom didn't appreciate Jim's unresponsiveness. "Look Mr. Starfleet Captain," he growled, still staring straight ahead and not at Jim, "I saw you walk out without honoring the dead. Now I don't care what Ben says about you being determined to not let anything bad happen here again, you are representing Starfleet and Starfleet is the reason JT died. The least you could do is stay for the whole ceremony."

He finally turned to Jim, who was pointedly still staring at the wall and its disturbing photo.

"Do you know," he said fiercely, voice trembling with emotion, "what I did to that guard who shot JT in the leg?"

Jim started in surprise, whirling to face Tom. Oh no, no Tom couldn't be saying what Jim thought he was saying. "Wha – you didn't kill him did you? Please tell me you didn't kill him. None of you were supposed to become murderers. And Jenny said you couldn't do anything to that guy, that you swore so colorfully about it that she had to cover Kev's ears!" he blurted out, frantically searching Tom's face to find out if what he had implied was true. He had tried so hard to keep them from growing up too much. That's why he'd always done any necessary killing. That's why he'd shouldered the responsibility of leader. He'd never been a proper kid, so there was no loss if he was the responsible one who had to make the tough decisions.

Silence.

Tom stared at Jim, mouth slightly agape, eyes wide and filled with jumbled emotions ranging from anger to confusion. Jim stared back with growing trepidation as his mind tried to decipher what his mouth had just said. Finally Tom whispered, "Jenny died two days before Starfleet arrived."

Jim frowned. "I kno -" his eyes widened as he realized what Tom was saying. "Jenny died two days before Starfleet arrived!" he gasped, staring at Tom in horror. He backed up towards the doorway, intent on escaping Tom's gaze. Then his entire command crew came running in, effectively blocking the exit. Jim was surrounded, trapped, stuck.

"JT?" Tom whispered, hope and awe coloring his voice as he gazed at Jim in disbelief. Jim glanced from Tom's disbelieving gaze to Kev's hopeful face to Bone's familiar concerned glare, eyes widening in horror before he could remind himself to school his features, unwittingly confirming his secret identity. He had never before been in such a situation, had never even considered being in a situation where he cared if the people facing him hated him or not. Looking at the mixed emotions written on the faces of his command crew, Jim Kirk found himself doing something he'd sworn never to do again. He turned his back to his friends, leaned his forehead against the wall, and began to cry.

So? What do you think?

The next chapter will probably be the last, which is sad, but I really do need to wrap this story up before school picks up pace too much.