CHAPTER 3: I Won't Grow Up
"And if it means I must prepare
To shoulder burdens with a worried air,
I'll never grow up, never grow up, never grow up
Not me!"
- Peter Pan
Five minutes after that stupid, simple smile, James comes to his senses. Or rather, he comes to those survivor senses that every animal and human being seems to have, that natural instinct to protect themselves. He realizes that's he's given himself the chance to hope, to believe, to wait again for more. He's doing what he already learned not do.
It's as if the stupid child who burned his hand with the lit candle, is reaching again for it, even though third degree burns already cover its fingers.
What is he doing? Is he really that stupid?
He already knows what it's like to hurt by her, to be broken, to fall from that high up. He's still hurting from that fall, from that broken heart, mind and soul that left him in a zombie-state a few weeks ago.
So why is he putting himself out like that again? Why reach another limb, when the first one got cut so savagely already?
Doesn't he learn?
That's what the rational, the cynical, the realist and the skeptical parts in him are saying. That he should know better now, that he's supposed to learn his lesson. Or does he want to hurt that much again? Is he dumb? Stupid? Masochist?
But on the other hand, the romantic, the hopeful, the dreamer, and the damn teenager in him are saying that maybe, just maybe, there's another chance. Maybe him and her were meant to be greater than he ever imagined. Maybe he can redeem himself. And can he do it? Is he ready for it?
Maybe she's the one that has to redeem herself, says the proud fraction of his heart, maybe she's the one that did wrong this time.
Maybe nobody should try to make it better. Maybe it's better this way, when they just ignore each other, that's the rational part of his brain. Obviously they only end up hurting themselves, so why risk it again?
But aren't fights supposed to make relationships stronger? Asks the romantic in him.
What relationship? Argues the cynic with a scoff.
God, he's so confused. Since when does he have so many personalities, so many ideas and insecurities? He used to be so sure, so confident. He knew what he wanted, when he wanted and why he wanted it. Yes, he never got everything he wished for, but at least he knew what he whished for.
Now, there is the romantic part of him telling him to go on, to smile back at her. And the realist in him crushes this fleeting hope quickly, telling him she probably only felt guilty, that she was just being polite. And the horny teenager answers by telling him that Lily was the most beautiful girl in Hogwarts, let her be as polite as she wants to be, as long as she looks at him.
Every cell in his body seems to take one banner, one flag, one color, and gather around one part of him. The cynic, the romantic, the realist, the dreamer, the teenager, the pessimist; they all pull him in so many directions, it's as though he's falling apart, he has no way to go, no direction, no nothing. Who's he supposed to follow?
And the worst one of all those is the coward in him.
He tries to ignore it so hard, he tries to not listen to everything the coward in him said.
First, because it just confuses him even more.
And second, he is no coward. He is proud and adventurous; he is always brave and valiant. He is a Gryffindor through and through. So the coward should be ignored, it shouldn't even be there in his mind, in his heart and soul.
But the fear is there in his mind. And heart. And soul.
Fear of getting hurt again, fear of losing what little he has left. Fear of hoping and wishing again, and all those wonderful things being crushed by Lily in one single word.
Yes, there's that fear.
But the coward doesn't stop there. The bastard is growing by the hour, gaining territory in him. And no pride, no braveness no nothing can't stop the doubts.
Because as big as the fear of hurting again is, lets face it, he's so much more afraid of living without her.
"Remus?" he asks hesitantly. "Can we talk?"
Three heads snap up. Of course they would.
"In private."
Three pairs of eyes widen.
Peter's mouth is hanging a bit too open, and James can see his molars.
Sirius looks torn between relief of seeing his best friend trying to reach out finally and hurt that it's not him he's reaching out for.
And Remus just looks stunned.
James' face seems to redden by the minute, and he scratches the patch of his head where Sirius hit him with a bat during a Quidditch game and now his hair grows thinner there.
And his three mates continue to look as though he just came out of the closet.
Sirius finally seems to get out of his trance and gives James a small smile, while he waves his hand from Remus to James. "Go on, Moony." Don't fuck this up is the warning hidden in the friendly tone.
Remus drops his quill and stands from his bed. "Sure, Prongs." He says, and his voice gains confidence as he puts on his shoes. "Let me get a sweater and we'll walk around the lake."
"Okay, thanks." is his quiet remark.
Sirius smiles at James again, and then glares at Peter, who is still gaping at their friend.
"I'll see you at practice, Prongs?" Sirius asks hopefully, as James and Remus walk to the door.
"Yeah, tell the team, we'll be doing laps first around the lake, will you?" says James, and a bit of the authority his voice used to hold, is now recognizable.
They leave their room, and Sirius doesn't even wait for them to step away from the door, before leaping up from his bed and jumping up and down.
"He's coming around, Pete!" he says excitedly.
It's not until they are at the lake, walking around the shore, when Remus dares to look at James. And he means really look at him.
Something's changed in him. He can see it perfectly well now. He's not back to being the same reckless James he was at the beginning of the year, but he's not the dead one that's been wandering around the castle these past few days either.
Finally, Remus can see some sort of emotion in his friend. He looks confused, worried and so many more things.
It's not good, but it's something.
It seems something is troubling him, as if all the events that occurred that fateful night have finally sunk in and he's really worried about it.
"Prongs?" He asks, and stops walking. He directs his sight to the lake. "What do you want to talk about?"
James seems to hesitate, and for a second Remus fears that he'll regret asking for his help, and that he'll tell him to forget it and go back to being that horribly empty boy once again.
But then James plops down on the grass, his legs stretched in front of him, creating a narrow triangle, where he starts fumbling with the grass. He looks so lost.
Carefully, Remus sits next to him and waits.
"Lily smiled at me today." is the monotone answer.
That throws Remus aback. He wasn't expecting that at all, he was expecting a lot of mourning from James' part and some comforting from his side. He thought James was finally going to let some of his burden go, by letting Remus share it with him.
But this - this just confuses him.
"And," he clears his throat to gain time, " how do you fell about that?"
That was probably the least helpful thing he could have said ever, and he fears Sirius will kick him when he tells him what he did, but he truly is baffled.
"That's the problem Moony." James says, and his voice is thick with confusion (Remus sends a Hallelujah to the Heavens above for this). And, trying not to sound like a lunatic, James explains to Remus how he feels about the cynic, the bastard coward, the dreamer, the romantic and all those idiots making him doubt himself, pulling him apart. He tells him that he doesn't know what to think, how to feel, how to act.
Remus is once again, left speechless.
It's rather disconcerting for Remus to be left speechless so much in so little time, James reflects, he's always the one who knows the best, who knows the most and understands almost everything.
But now, when his friend needs him the most, he has no idea how to help him.
"I don't know what to tell you, James." Remus sighs and stays silent for a while. "Other than I'm proud of you."
James does a double take.
"Proud of me?" he asks, "How can you be proud of me? I'm telling you I'm lost, I have no idea what to do, I have no idea what's wrong with me." He scoffs. "Something is wrong with me, and you're saying you're proud of me?"
Remus has to smile. It seems he knows what to say after all.
"Yes, James, I'm proud of you." he says gently. "You may not see it, but you're acting so mature. You've grown after this fight with Lily, you've learned so much."
"Yeah, I learned, that I'm an idiot who has been hurting the girl he loves day after day."
"Maybe." Remus chuckles, "But just think of what you just told me. Your thought, your views on yourself have changed. They are not the shallow ones that were the last year. You now know that you feel so much more than you ever thought. You're not just James Potter, proud Gryffindor who's madly in love with a girl he barley knows. You're James Potter, a guy who has insecurities, a guy who reflects things in every aspect, every point a view. You think things now, obviously, rather than just act on dreams and horny impulses.
You say, you don't know how you feel, what you think, what you should do. But you do. You feel and think all those things you just said."
"So what, you're saying, it's better to be confused? It's more mature to not know what you want?" "No, no. You've got it wrong. Oh, how do I put this?" Remus sighs. "It's not that not knowing what you want is a sign of maturity. It's more like, thinking over what you want, seeing it from every aspect. You're considering everything now, not just you're obvious interest with Lily. You're considering what it could mean to both of you, how it could hurt both of you and all those insecurities you just told me. You see what I mean?"
"No, not really."
"I'm saying, that there's more depth to you now. You don't seem so shallow anymore. You think, you have doubts; you have insecurities, and all those whishes and desire and dreams. That's what makes you a human being. You're not a one-dimensional character anymore. There's more than one side to you, and that's a lot to say about a person."
They stay silent for a while, James contemplating what Remus just said to him.
Could it be, that he has grown so much? Has he really matured that much?
Maybe he is more considerate now; maybe he is a better person now. He's no longer interested in just being with Lily, in just wining something or doing that thing. He's now asking himself what that would bring, why should he follow that instinct, why does he want it so much.
But it's too much information for one afternoon. Too much to think about right now. He's really more confused than ever before.
And worst of all, he still doesn't know how he feels about this whole issue.
"Can you just tell me what I'm supposed to feel right now?" he asks, albeit a bit jokingly, because he did listen to what Remus told him right now. He understands it. He's becoming a better person, in Remus' opinion.
And, he's proud of it. Take that, coward.
Remus groans. "Listen James, I'm not going to tell you what you're supposed to feel. That's just plain stupid and wrong. What I'm trying to explain to you is that I think that you have grown a lot the last couple of weeks. I believe, that you mulling over things, shows that you are not the brazen teenager you once were, but more of a compassionate man now."
A flicker of a real smile threatens to overcome James' constant frown. "That was a really Dumbledore-ish thing to say, Mooney. Really, you sounded so old and wise just then. More old, than wise, I dare to say." Remus lets out a bark of laughter, sheer joy of hearing a quasi-joke from James. "Hey, you needed rational advising, here I am." He answers, and looks at him with critical eyes. "Did I help?"
James sighs. "Not really. I'm still confused as hell." He turns to his friend. "But you did help me feel better. Thanks, mate."
"You're more than welcome." Remus smiles. "It's nice to know you're back to the land of the living."
"Yeah…" James trails off. "Thanks for bringing me back."
They stare at the lake for a while, before James stands up and announces that he has some Quidditch players that need some serious ass beating.
And before they part ways, in front of the castle, Remus asks his friend if he'll tell him, when he knows how he feels.
"I'll doubt I'll ever know." Answers James honestly. "But I'll let you know."
And it's true. He still has no idea of what to do, what to feel, what to think. He's still angry with Lily, still resents some of the things she said. He's still hurting so much. And he still wants her for himself; he still likes to think they stand a chance. And he's still afraid of so many things. And so much more is running through he's head.
But he knows he's getting better now. He's getting stronger and wiser. And with time, he's hoping he'll understand himself better and then maybe, just maybe, undo this whole mess.
Lily would be proud of him; he's growing up.
Take that, coward. He repeats to himself.
So, here it is! Please review!
I actually like this chapter, I feel I can really relate how James feels in this chapter, because that's how I think usually people feel, think, analyze, whatever you want to call it. I'm never sure of what I'm feeling; I always have mixed emotions.
Tell me what you think! and again, thank you so much for your reviews!
