A/N: Only two more Touches to go after this one XD
The Fourth Touch
He cannot comprehend (this is fucking ridiculous, and his patience has worn out and he's had it up to here) what the kid is thinking, not with this. It wasn't bad enough the first time (when any sane person would have given up), the kid had to go in for a second (cause the one thing Leo never attributes to the kid is sanity, and he just likes proving Leo right every damn day) – and then when that failed, there was this (wonderful little surprise, wasn't it? And he didn't tell Leo on purpose until it was too late, cause he knew what Leo's opinion was going to be on the matter) ridiculous, pathetic third attempt.
And for some reason, Leo was (invited to watch the freak show, the fireworks) put down as a crew member for this most recent attempt. He didn't know if he should (laugh in the instructor's face) decline, as he wasn't in the mood to see the kid hurt again, but decided that since the kid (had wanted him there, somehow, still wanted Leo present even after all this time) had gone through all of the trouble to (hack the system and get his name put on the list) get him cleared to work it, he should see it through to its (bloody) end.
But he doesn't have to (pretend he's enjoying himself, because he can't, just waiting for the kid to fail and be broken and frustrated once again) be enthusiastic about being here. It's ridiculous (truly, it is) – the kid had even told Leo (after the second attempt, when they'd been sitting alone on the roof with just a bottle of Scotch between them) that he knew the test was unbeatable (that it'd been fucking programmed that way, and how the fuck do you counter that?) but he didn't care. That the kid wasn't going to take loss as an acceptable conclusion (and what the hell was that supposed to mean?).
Leo had not (in his wildest dreams) thought that, at that moment, the kid had already decided he was going in for his third (and oh, please, make this the final time, he can't fucking take any more of this up and down shit) try. But here they are, the kid sitting in the mock command chair (looking fucking amazing in that skin tight uniform, like he has no right to be, tempting but so far out of reach he might as well be on fucking Mars) eating an apple (like he has no fucking care in the world, or like he hasn't spent the last six months calculating exactly how he is going to beat this thing).
It makes Leo nervous (as it should – that cockiness bodes well for nobody, least of all Leo) because there is just something off about that attitude. He can't (hopes, but he suspects and it worries him cause the kid shouldn't piss off his instructors like this) imagine that the kid acted like this the other two times he took the test (but it makes perfect kid-sense that he would).
And, apparently, Leo is not the only one put off by the kid's behavior. The whole mock crew is (giving him funny looks, unsettled) confused by the kid's attitude (cause it certainly doesn't seem that he's taking this seriously, as he should). Especially the one who is night, who is (gloriously, beautifully, and Leo is thanking her so much in his head he wants to kiss her, or something else equally ridiculous) giving him attitude right back. And Leo can't blame her (he likes this girl, he really does) because she's getting the brunt of the kid's cockiness (though it seems that, over the years, she's learned how to handle him and gives as good as she gets).
Everything else (besides the kid's behavior, of course, because that always fucking defies logic) goes as expected, the scenario plays out (doomed before they even "arrived," and Leo is happy this is just a simulation cause even the simulation makes him ache from the pain of knowing there's no hope) and the Birds of Prey surround them.
Then, just as everything is going to hell (like it always does, cause it can't fucking do anything else, it's programmed to do this) something (fucking unbelievable, insane) happens. All (every fucking computer system) the lights flicker, and turn off – then turn right back on again (and he checks his panel, just to be sure, cause there's no way in hell that happened during the middle of the simulation these things are on a closed circuit, even he knows that).
A command from the kid, that (at first seems impossible but then is undeniably correct) Leo never expected to hear. And the Birds of Prey are turned into dust.
The kid (satisfied, sated, looking all smooth and spent like he must be after – after things Leo isn't allowed to think of any longer) settles back into his command chair, and takes a bite out of his apple. But not before (the cocky fucking bastard, so beautiful so fucking amazing) he turns and gives Leo one of those (just for him, never anyone else and Leo treasures them still even though each and every one just adds to his plethora of scars) crinkly smiles.
And Leo can just stare back (stunned, mesmerized, can't see anything but the kid and what he just accomplished) too amazed to give the kid (the reaction he's looking for) anything but dumbfounded surprise.
He beat it (and Leo knows it was those fucking hacking skills, somehow, but that doesn't tarnish this moment one bit, because) – the kid did it.
(*)
He's filled with trepidation as he follows the string of students to the (musty, hardly used and this does not look good no way no how) assembly hall. It's been several days since that (crazy, pulled-out-of-the-kids-ass) third attempt, and if the ball was going to drop it'd be now.
The kid (as usual) does not suspect anything but the best (and is he fucking rambling about a fucking commendation? For what? Being the most idiotic bastard to fly through the Academy in three years instead of the regular four?) for the assembly (flying high on his daydreams, and Leo hopes to god he's wrong and the kid is right), as he walks at Leo's side.
He doesn't (fucking stop) lapse into silence until he has to, when the (whole fucking class, like it's rehearsed but it's not and it gives Leo the heeby-jeebies not that he'd admit it to anyone) assembly hushes around them in the same instant.
At the Admiral's words (Leo's worst fears are made into reality) Leo can visibly see the kid falling apart beside him. The (worst thing of all) emotion most vivid in the kid's eyes is betrayal (and Leo wants to hold him, wants to whisper everything will be all right but he can't promise that doesn't know can't do that not now not ever). This is where the kid feels like he belongs, where his skills are valued (and Leo wants to fucking kill them, every single one of them for crushing the kid like this – don't they know who he is? Perfect, unique, brilliant and never ever deserving of this) and Leo knows he can't comprehend the (giant backhanded slap to the face) reprimand, the purpose for the entire trial itself.
But he gets up there (and Leo wants to go up too, to be with him and defend him even though it's not his place and never will be) and faces the accusations head-on.
Even faces his accuser (that fucking half-Vulcan, and Leo really wants to dissect him now – without any anesthesia, and with no intentions of putting him back together again after, no matter if the dark one would eat his balls for breakfast for it) with his usual (cocky) attitude back in place. Fires back (beautiful, and Leo wants to cheer cause if he can keep it up he might have a chance), trouncing logical argument with logical argument (and did he just call the hobgoblin Spork? Leo knows the kid is perfectly aware of the Vulcan's name, that must be on purpose and ohhh Leo hopes it rankles under the bastard's skin cause he knows the bastard can feel).
But then the kid loses ground, faltering a few steps as (how could he? That asshole needs to die, and now Leo is going to use rusted old instruments instead of his clean sharp ones) the instructor cuts with words (where he has no business cutting and fuck Leo can't take standing here and watching this happen).
It's not enough (cause no matter what the kid claims about it not being fair, the fact remains that he cheated and – shit) and the flow of the hearing is getting away from the kid (Leo can see the fear in his eyes, knows it's mirrored in his own because fuck he can't exist – not here, not nowhere else either – without the kid by his side) and leaning towards him being banished (from the only home he's ever really had, and Leo knows he'll follow even if he has to throw everything away cause damn it he's worth it) from the Academy on charges of academic dishonesty.
Then the interruption (of the fucking century, that's what it is. Absolutely fucking perfect timing, and Leo couldn't give a damn what actually caused it cause it gives the kid time to regroup and think of a way to fix this like Leo knows he can), everyone filing out and disappearing (dashing to the shuttles, like Leo should be too but he's too busy staring down at the podium).
Except the kid, who seems frozen where he stands (too stunned to move, Leo suspects, but he has to), still staring at the dais the Admirals recently vacated.
"Come on, kid."
He reaches out and (greatly daring, but his voice didn't do anything and fuck if he'll just leave the kid here) brushes an elbow with a fingertip, trying to (break the spell the kid's under) get him to react.
And then they're moving, rushing headlong (towards something that feels and tastes and smells kindof like destiny though Leo can't untangle the sense or the threads to make it any more concrete than that) towards the shuttle bay and their assignments.
Except the kid doesn't have one (and what fucking bullshit is this? Grounded until the trial is finished? It's not going to be finished, you asshole, not if everyone is up in space!) and Leo stands, indecisive (the kid told him to go, basically ordered him to – and now he's frozen stuck between –) as the students flow around them.
He can see it in the set of the kid's shoulders (dejected, lost, abandoned once again like always and fuck) and the cant of his head (the cockiness that he tries to project but so obviously doesn't feel). And Leo's mind is made up for him (and really, who is he kidding when he thinks he ever truly had a choice between the two?) as an idea bursts, fully formed, into his mind.
"Come on, kid."
And he disappears into the flow (dragging the kid behind him, who is still too stunned and confused to realize that Leo has A Plan) of people, places and things.
Because if Leo ever has to make a choice (between love and duty, action and consequence) the kid is always, always going to win.
(*)
He is frozen, undone. Unable to do anything but watch, eyes stretched wide as saucers as the giant maw opens – right in the middle of Sickbay. It is as he always imagined, in his worst nightmares, the monolithic emptiness pouring in and then sucking everything out –
Like the previous CMO. Gone in less than a breath, less than a moment, sucked into nothingness while Leo can do nothing not even scream.
Then the emergency barricade fastens air-tight, automatically sealing the breach and closing everything that is supposed to be outside, outside.
And he can (breathe again, exist again cause fuck fuck fuck fuck) think again, even if it's just to stutter and gasp as the adrenaline spikes through his system (burning his veins, but he's torn between fight and flight and even his lizard brain can't decide) and he can't put two thoughts together.
Desperation (and fear, the fear overwhelming everything else and oh god oh god oh god it's real) clouds his thought processes (reducing him to nothing but need, but amazingly enough not to run and hide but to run and find – him) makes it impossible for him to piece himself back together again as (the all-encompassing overwhelming devouring him whole) terror fights with tooth and claw to stay.
There's a hand around his arm (squeezing and shaking and why the fuck won't the woman leave him alone so he can get back to himself), the voice attached to it screaming something in his ear.
But he can't hear (anything above the blood pounding in his ears, the desperate need for comfort, for safety that the kid brings and and and) what the woman is calling, can't even really register that she needs him.
Then he remembers (where he is, who he is, especially who he is now, with the previous CMO reduced to dust in the – don't think don't think don't think) what he needs to do, what he needs to get the others to do (cause the kid is out there, and the kid will need him and and and breathe) because there are going to be injured incoming and they have to be prepared.
News filters down as they work (fixing those they can, making those comfortable who they don't need to or don't have the time for yet), what happened, what is happening – and what the kid is doing (and others, but the other two are just names no faces and even if they had one it wouldn't be the kid's so they don't fucking matter anyway), and Pike.
His (heart enters his throat and refuses to move, choking him with terror) concentration just isn't there as he works on his patients but he has to push through it (and ignore, ignore cause this is important and he needs to be here for them this is his job his home his life) and work.
So he forces himself to work (even though it kills him, and some tiny piece of him that no matter what he tries he can't put to task) mending broken bones and broken skin (but knowing he can do nothing for broken hearts, as they cry tears of blood around him for their classmates, friends, and loved ones) as best he can with the resources they have left.
Even though his body is present, and his fingers fly in their work (here and now, working fixing saving) his mind is somewhere else. It's been long enough, now, and the kid is falling through space (a fucking space jump? Captain for how many fucking years, and the best Pike can come up with is a hare-brained scheme that involves space jumping onto a fucking miniscule platform?) in nothing but (so thin so vulnerable, but it's the only thing that protects the kid and Leo prays to whoever's listening that it does its job otherwise there will be hell to pay) a jump suit.
He knows the kid doesn't share his fear, (this debilitating thing, but fuck if anything was going to take the kid from him it'd be this) and is probably loving every second of the rush right now (but it's killing Leo and he can't take it and he has to know).
Just as he's about to (give in, fuck it all, he has to know or he'll be no use to nobody cause his heart will explode from worry and there will be one more patient among far too many) go over and press the button for the intercom, it crackles to life.
No announcement, no officer asking for a status report. Everything in the Sickbay stops (for just a moment, a single solitary moment that crystallizes as everyone collectively holds their breath) as they listen to the transmission getting piped down. Leo can't (help but, his pain and terror receding for just a second as they're eclipsed by love) smile fleetingly as he listens (cause he knows who's responsible, and thanks the dark-haired one in his brain for her gift, for her knowing and offering and easing his pain) to the sounds.
The kid is alive. Leo listens as they fall, (tumbling and plummeting through something so terrifying Leo can't even comprehend it) making it into the atmosphere (and he can breathe again, knowing that the worst of it is over – at least in his eyes) and further. One of them (one of the faceless ones, the people who are just numbers and letters unless they're in front of him and then they're bones and tissue and ligament) doesn't make it, his own (stupidity, the sound of his overzealous voice still buzzing in Leo's ears) mistake leading to his destruction.
But Leo only half hears, his attention (not needed, he knows that the kid is safe the yawning emptiness of space did not swallow him forever) focused once again on the patients before him.
Focusing on the patients is safe (cause he's terrified now, for a completely different reason, because while he'll always be the kid's friend the fear he felt certainly wasn't for a friend and fuck he'd thought he'd abandoned that hope a long time ago), and distracts him from the (far too frustrating by half emotions clutching at his belly, crying out that he loves loves loves even though he doesn't want to hates that he does) events outside the Sickbay.
(*)
He's (so fucking exhausted it hurts to breathe, to think, but he has to he doesn't have a choice) so tired he can barely move, but he manages. Moves from patient to patient (so many of them empty, like most of his team members, broken for their lost classmates and the whole fucking world that vanished before their eyes) administering what care he can (or just a touch, a word, when he's already done everything he can for their bodies).
Because he's moving in a daze (grateful, some part of him, that part that begs and pleads inside his skull but is now firmly insulated by exhaustion) Leo doesn't notice the person blocking his path until he's nearly trampled him. Raising his eyes from the PADD he was skimming for new information, he meets those (the blue dimmed, almost eclipsed by the bloodshot sclera) eyes before him.
A cocky grin (and Leo can easily tell that's for the benefit of those around them, cause the kid knows he can read the bone-deep exhaustion and the slight trembling in his limbs that mean he's about to collapse on himself) as a question tumbles out. And it (takes a second, cause Leo can see those lips moving but there's no words coming out, but then they finally filter through) pains Leo to give the answer he does, but he doesn't have any choice (and why does the kid look at him like that, like he knows – okay, maybe it's obvious why Leo doesn't have a room of his own anymore).
But then a thought occurs to him, and he leads the kid (away from the prying eyes, that are staring at him like they want to drink the kid down suck him into their soul and keep him with them forever – but he's Leo's) to the office off the Sickbay.
Into silence (and solitude, and it feels good to be just them, together, even if it's for just a moment and both of them are so drained their lizard brains barely remember how to breathe), where Leo closes the door behind them (so glad it's privacy glass, cause he doesn't want those eyes following the kid in here, where he should be as safe as he made them) and turns the lights down low (cause he knows how much the kid hates sleeping in the dark, can't stand it, has his nightmares and fuck if just a little bit of light doesn't make them go away).
Leads the kid (who isn't running his mouth anymore, keeping up appearances for all those people that depend on him, who he saved – he's just an empty husk now that even stims can't keep moving) to the cot in the corner, where the kid collapses without a second thought.
Expecting him to be asleep as soon as his head touches the pillow (like Leo knows he wants to, would have been in a couple of hours too – but not now, cause his bed is full of kid and that cot is too fucking tiny for him to even consider sharing), Leo turns to leave.
Those (belied by their delicate-seeming bones as weak, thin and graceful but so so strong) hands reach out, and clutch (desperately, and Leo is reminded again of being a lifeline, a role he gladly accepts, always, without a thought) at his arm.
"Bones…don't go, please…."
Pleading, there (and what's he supposed to do? He can hear the broken, bleeding little boy inside and he can't just – ), that stops him in his tracks. Sighing, (and who is he kidding, anyway? He doesn't want to be anywhere but here, not after he came so close to losing the kid time after time in the last few days) he glances once more at the door (but they can handle anything that happens out there, and besides they know where to find him) and settling on the cot besides the kid.
The kid shuffles out of the way (automatically making room, his body shifting to allow Leo close like it knows him and wants him there and fuck it unlocks all that shit he's been able to ignore for days) on the cot, curling his body (so warm and full of life, even now when there's no energy left in those muscles) around Leo's seated form.
And he starts whispering (low enough where Leo can tell it's half-conscious, but loud enough where he knows the kid wants him to hear), telling Leo everything that happened while he was stuck in Sickbay (and how it made him feel, every single thing, and it breaks Leo's heart for him cause he's never needed to unload like this and oh god he's so weary). While he speaks, his hand reaches blindly for Leo (opening that wound, baring that part of Leo that Leo hates but can't deny, and everything from that damn space jump comes rushing back), grabs at Leo and clings to his hand.
Slowly, eventually, the kid's voice wears out and he starts to snore softly (and if Leo didn't know already, that would be for sure – the kid never snores unless he's bone-deep, dead on his feet) and Leo's trapped on the cot (cause there's warmth and trust wrapped around him like a blanket, a hand in his and fuck this is the only place he ever wants to be), tangled in the kid's limbs.
So Leo takes up the thread of conversation (cause he can't stand the silence, not now cause it makes those holes in him pulse in rhythm with his heartbeat) cause it's safe, and the kid can't hear what he says anyway. Whispering his own (telling the brilliant golden-haired one beside him what he never imagined admitting aloud, not even to a sleeping form) experiences while the kid was stuck on the Bridge.
While he speaks, his hand (the one that isn't clutching to, the one he still considers his because that other one is obviously the kid's and he'll never ask for it back) strokes through blonde hair (so soft, even damp with sweat), down the cheek (where he can feel a trail of tears, even though he didn't hear them while the kid was speaking) and across a trembling shoulder blade (and Leo knows the kid is having nightmares, and hopes that somehow, irrationally, his words will bring the kid out of them) – then back to start again.
Leaning down (and he can't believe he's doing it, but it seems that between one moment and the next he made up his mind) he pauses, staring (but unseeing, amazed at the calm that fills him now, as opposed to the tumult that was his insides just minutes before) at eyelids shifting in REM sleep before he shifts (just a millimeter separating them, an insurmountable distance that no longer exists) forward and places a kiss on the kid's eyebrow, another on his cheekbone, the corner of his lips.
"I'm yours, Darlin'…always."
Now he just has to find a way to speak the words – when the kid is awake to hear them.
