A/N: Again this is Maura talking to us I hope this clears some things up. I know it doesn't clear everything up because as we move along everything should hopefully be answered.
I had run away for two weeks, New York is where I always ran to. It sounds rather pathetic but I had hoped she would run after me, see it was a test for me and for Jane. Those two weeks were about seeing if Jane would come after me, I waited…and waited but she never came. See Jane knew that when I ran away I ran to New York, my parents had a penthouse there that I only used when I was running I did it when she shot Paddy and after Ian. It is something I always did and she knew where I was, I knew I didn't have to tell her that she would figure it out or at least Angela would tell her.
But she never showed up, I made my days go by I visited museums, galleries, restaurants you name it. At night though I was always back at the penthouse by nine o'clock and sat down with a glass of wine, always alone because I hoped that Jane would come knocking on the door. As the two weeks started flying by I hated myself more and more, I let things happen I could have stopped what was going on.
After that incident in my office when I let her walk out I could have spoken up but I didn't, it is just as much my fault as it is hers. We could have both spoken up, but we didn't. My cowardice and social awkwardness just tells me I am not deserving of Jane.
The final night in New York I was angry for not speaking up I was angry at Jane, I was angry at everyone. As I packed my things I drank stronger things than wine, why did this have to happen. I didn't understand, the math and science were not adding up. Nothing seemed rational, it was all too much to handle. When I boarded the plane and finally landed my emotions had overwhelmed me, I had never felt that way before. I felt so out of control; reckless.
I didn't know what I was doing or what I was going to say to Jane when I saw her, when the taxi pulled up to my house and I saw Jane's car I froze…she was there at my house. I took a deep breath to push the tears away; I grabbed my bags and walked in. When I was inside and she looked at me I wanted to run into her arms and fall apart and tell her how I felt so stupid and not good enough for her but that didn't happen, she started apologizing for her wrongs and instead of me apologizing I blamed her I yelled…I lost control.
The words that left my mouth were not my words; I didn't know where they came from. I was lying and I couldn't stop, never had I been able to lie the way I did. No hives broke out; nothing. I didn't recognize the voice, or actions I was giving out they weren't me. When I climbed the stairs to my bedroom I felt my body grow weaker with each step, I felt nauseated I felt small and incomplete.
Why did I blame her for everything? Why did I help put us where we were? What had I done? So many questions ran through my head but all I could think about was how wrong I was how much of a damn liar I was.
