So Much For Love
A/N: All the chapters thus far (and from now on) are connected to music somehow. I'm a musician so I know what a lot of them mean. This chapter is a term a lot of people won't recognize, so I'll define it for you. :D Syncopation is the emphasis on weak beats in a music piece. When you play music there are beats in a measure, and the weak beats don't usually get emphasis, but in this case they do. It's much more complicated than that, but for the sake of time, that's all you get. And on we go.
Chapter Four: Syncopation
"Remus Lupin." Sirius woke up with a start. At first he was assaulted by darkness, his comforter over his head and then he realized that there was something incredibly heavy on his chest. Pushing the comforter off his face he found a smiling James looking down at him, sitting on top of him and looking incredibly triumphant. Sirius groaned and tried to turn over to get his mate off of him, but James had him pinned down and he could scarcely move.
"What 'bout him?" Sirius mumbled, lying back wearily, with a sigh. He had gotten only about an hour of sleep, and probably could have slept a good deal longer had he not been woken up so rudely. It wasn't a surprise that he hadn't come around at the time that James had climbed onto his bed. Everyone who knew everything about Sirius Black, meaning James Potter, knew that he couldn't be defines as a heavy or light sleeper; it all depended on the circumstances. And James had fully taken advantage of those circumstances this Sunday morning.
"He's your mystery woman," James said, reaching out his hand to ruffle Sirius' hair. "I mean that in theory!" he cried, dodging Sirius' fist, which still managed to connect with his chin, but resulted in James laughing. "Calm down, Sirius! You get so damn defensive about things. Just because I figured something out for once doesn't mean that you have to give me that look." Because now Sirius looked ready to kill, his murderous face framed by a halo of black hair.
Once more he turned to the side and this time James wasn't prepared, falling onto the floor with a loud thud. "That's better," he said, content now that he was the only one on his bed. He pulled the comforter back over his head and closed his eyes, hoping to get some more sleep since it was his last chance to do so before classes started again the next day. He had no such luck. James was back on his bed in a matter of seconds, throwing the comforter off the bed so that Sirius had no way to be invisible. "Oi. What now, Prongs?"
To that James replied, "What do you two do together?" Sirius ignored the question, instead focusing on the mirror across the room. He looked terribly angry to the unknowing eye, but to someone like James, someone who he had known for such a long time, it was easy to see through his façade. "Read all of your favorite books? Talk about your feelings? Is it ever so lovely?" In the mirror Sirius watched James bat his eyelashes and clasp his hands together, acting as if he was swooning at the very idea.
"You're intuitive. Yes, that's what we do, James. Along with sharing secrets about how to do our hair and which boys are the cutest," Sirius said sardonically. James never was good at recognizing sarcasm, and Sirius watched his face turn into a mask of confusion. Sirius was hardly worried about what his friend was thinking and simply rolled over so that he was facing the opposite wall and didn't have to pay attention to anyone else. There was the faint creaking of bedsprings as James stood up.
"Oh," James said, "and you have a visitor." There was a smile on his voice even if Sirius didn't see it on his face. The inflection in his tone was smug enough so that Sirius sat up and glared at him, suspicious of what was going on already. "Don't worry; he's only been waiting in the hall a few minutes. Told him I had to wake your stubborn ass up. He may not have an impressive pedigree, but he certainly is polite. Unlike some people I'm forced to be around."
Sirius sat up and threw his pillow at James who dodged it, laughing. "You made him wait in the hallway and you complain about me not being polite?" Sirius cried, torn between being angry at James for his actions and laughing at the entire situation he found himself in. There was something oddly refreshing about waking up to a conversation with his best mate – who he had found himself missing recently – and to find out that his favorite new student had come to talk to him for, as of yet, undisclosed reasons.
"Now I'll let you be with Lupin, but that's only because he came bearing the news that guess who wants to see me alone." Not only did he look smug, now James looked downright haughty. As if the redhead's approval was all that was needed; the final plateau in the world of society. With her invitation he was now finally a force to be reckoned with. Or at least, more of a force than he had been before.
Sirius glared and said, "The nasty slut, stealing you away like this." He now shifted so that he was sitting on the edge of his bed,
"She's a slut is she?" James said, his face indiscernible. "Well yours is in the hallway and mine is waiting outside, so I'll just be on my way." His last words might have seemed like they were in jest, but Sirius noticed an almost irritated tone to them, hidden behind his well-bred voice the graciousness leaving it for just a split second, an almost unnoticeable thing. Yet, it managed to lower Sirius' hopes for a good day ever so slightly as he watched James leave the dorm room.
"Erm. Is this a bad time?" Remus was in the doorway, looking as if he was imposing on something important. It was the first time that Sirius had seen him in clothes other than the school uniform. It was mandatory to wear the uniform, even on weekends, if you were going to be on school grounds. Sirius often ignored this rule as it wasn't one to be taken too seriously, most of the Senior School students did and got away with it. Remus was obviously someone who abided by the rules, always wearing the white dress shirt, maroon tie and trousers.
While Remus still looked classy in a dark grey sweater, Sirius was wearing the same green shirt from the day before and his boxers. "Wherever would you get that idea?" Oh, perhaps because Sirius had been sleeping only ten minutes ago and James had treated Remus rather icily until he had mentioned Lily Evans. But Sirius wasn't one to dwell on why it was a bad time, he was better-off sticking to the fact that Remus was there and that was that. "Well don't stand way over there, Moony, come and sit by me."
"Moony?" Remus said, unable to hide his grin as he made his way over to Sirius' bed, his remark of one word speaking louder than anything else he could have said. He sounded incredulous and amused all at the same time, something that only Remus could pull off while keeping an air of a courteous young man about him. Sirius often lost this, his own brash personality taking over the perfect, cultivated one his family had strived to instill in him.
Patting the bed in front of him, Sirius grinned. Remus, who seemed to be getting used to the attitude of his newest companion, sat down across from him without any hesitation. "Quite simple. You played the Moonlight Sonata, I approved of it," putting a hand over his heart to signal this, "and thus Moony was born. Tell me you like it, humor me if you must. I'll call you it no matter what." A slight shrug of his shoulders.
"I wouldn't put it past you," Remus admitted sensibly. Sirius smiled, appeased, for reasons he wasn't quite sure of himself, that the other boy was catching onto what his personality consisted of. "I suppose I'll just have to get used to it. Good thing that I don't have many other friends or else you would probably have all of them calling me by that name, wouldn't you?" Every word he spoke was an attempt to be critical towards Sirius, just as every word failed when his smile snuck past his words.
"Wrong," Sirius said, shaking his head with a smirk. "I'm rather possessive and it took me a while to think that one up. So you're completely wrong there." For a moment he felt completely victorious with his line of thinking. What he said was the truth; he was a very possessive person, even when it came to alternate names he had thought up. But his glorious moment was killed when Remus broke into a fit of laughter, leaning over. "It's true, though! I wouldn't," Sirius said, frantically trying to fix the situation.
Remus reached out through his laughter and put his hand on Sirius' knee. "I know, Sirius," he said, "I just find it funny that you're possessive over someone you have only known for a few weeks. Really, it's flattering and you put on a good show, but you don't have to pretend to care about me that much." The words hit Sirius hard; glass shards stabbing him places he didn't even know existed.
Actions may speak louder than words, but the combination of the two can be deafening. Sirius grabbed Remus' hand from where it was on his knee and looked at the smaller boy earnestly, saying words without thinking, which frequently leads to words being more truthful than ever. "It's not a show, Remus. I do care about you," he said, sincerely, the tone of his voice surprising even himself. Remus began to blush, but Sirius ignored this face and went on, "That's not something you should doubt. I've known people for a year that I don't give a fuck about. Since when does it matter how long you've known someone?"
"Ah," Remus said, quietly. His eyes were on his hand and, consequently, Sirius'. Although he was trying his best to cover it with his other hand it was obvious that his face was turning quite red and Sirius quickly let go of his hand, realizing that he was the cause of Remus' embarrassment. "I – yes, I believe you are correct about that. I tell you more than I tell Lily and I've known her longer than I've known you."
Suddenly Sirius was grinning at this news. "Do you really?" he asked, leaning forward and drumming his hands on the mattress. "That really is quite exciting. Tell me more about you then. I'd love to know everything." And just as fast as Remus had regained his composure he lost it again, stuttering out his refusal and turning red once more. "Oh, please, Moony?" It was times like these that his charming voice and smile came in handy, even if he didn't use either of the attributes as much as he should.
"Well there is, ah, there is one thing you should probably know about me," Remus said slowly, keeping his eyes on the maroon pillow that lay across the room. When he finally looked back up at Sirius he met an expectant pair of eyes, ready for whatever he had to say. "But you can't tell anyone. Last time I told someone this, I really trusted him, and it ended up ruining everything." Whatever it was Sirius was now serious interested, because he was sure this was why Remus had professed to have no friends at his old school.
"You can trust me," he said softly, meeting Remus' eyes to show that he was being truthful. Remus was playing with the sleeves of his sweater, pulling them down so far that they covered his hands and he buried his face in the material before muttering out something that Sirius couldn't understand. "I'm sorry, what?" Remus moved his hands down further so that they were only covering his mouth and spoke once more, slightly louder, but the meaning was still lost in translation. "Just spit it out, Remus, it's not going to be a big deal."
"I beg to differ," Remus said, his hands still in front of his mouth, but he was speaking loud enough now that his words were understandable. "I'm, erm, I'm not – I'm gay." There was a profusely silent moment during which Remus covered up his face with his hands again and Sirius was at a loss for words. He wasn't sure what to say; because of all things he hadn't been expecting this. When, at last, Remus showed his eyes again, he quietly said, "You want me to leave?"
"No, no," Sirius said quickly. It was an involuntary reaction, because he really didn't want Remus to go, but he didn't mean to say the words in such a way that it almost sounded desperate. "I just – does this mean the whole not believing in love thing is a lie?" He was definitely starting to sound desperate and he couldn't figure out why that was. What did he care if Remus believed in love or who he believed he could share it with? It didn't change a thing on Sirius' end of the friendship.
It was comforting to see Remus look happy, his hands slipping down to just below his beaming smile. "No, that's still true," he said, much to Sirius' surprise. "At least, it is until I find someone who makes me believe in it. It's more of a matter of, erm, attraction than love right now." Surprisingly he was talking much easier now, although his face still showed traces of embarrassment.
"Makes sense to me," Sirius said, with a light smile. "Do you want to go to the library or something?"
"Wait – you want to…you aren't going to tell anyone?" Remus was taken aback by this notion. Sirius could understand this, but was almost pleased by the fact. Of course he was surprised, but part of him was almost pleased at the news. But, he ignored this fact as he did many others.
"What's the point in telling anyone? I don't benefit from it." They both smiled for different reasons. Sirius because he knew something about Remus that no one else at Bromsgrove did. Remus because he knew that Sirius' last words were a lie, and that there was a possibility there was a lot more to his acceptance than he was letting on.
"Please, Remus? Just once or twice, at most three times," Sirius said, grabbing Remus' arm and trying to pull him away from the doors of the library and towards the school. "I'll never ask you to do it again." Remus stood his ground, though and reached out towards the library's door, his hand falling inches short as Sirius struggled to pull the surprisingly resistant young man away.
When Sirius was tugging on his arm hard enough Remus stopped trying to pull away and they both stumbled backwards, Remus falling into Sirius' arms. "I've heard that one before," he muttered as Sirius found himself blushing at the circumstances. Remus pushed himself away and raised his eyebrows, saying, "Besides, aren't you the one who suggested this?"
"But I want to hear the piano, Moony, the piano." Sirius was in a near whine now and fully aware of it, knowing that he sounded childish and immature, but not caring one bit as he latched onto Remus arm once more. Although he had been the one to suggest going to the library he had thought that Remus wouldn't be so against a quick detour to play a piece or two for him, but he obviously was not in favor of such an idea.
"Well we did that last night and we have a test in History tomorrow anyway, Sirius, so it's really better for both of us if we go to the library instead," Remus pointed out, this time not pulling away from Sirius, rather leading him towards the doors. Sirius allowed for this to happen, though not without a sigh, thinking about the fact that he hadn't eaten yet and it was getting awfully close to lunch. Missing a meal to hear Remus play was one thing, in his mind at least, but not eating in favor of studying was something he only did in a desperate situation.
Apparently he now also did it when Remus Lupin insisted that he do it. Unlike other times he spent in the library this time he was actually getting something done. Remus was forcing him to study and the only reason Sirius was putting up with it was because, for various reasons he ignored and some that he admitted to, he liked to be around the boy. "I do have one question," Remus said, interrupting Sirius' inner-monologue. "Do you think it's…weird?"
Although Sirius knew what he meant and knew what his answer was he bit his tongue for a moment, wanting to approach this delicately, but not succeeding very well. "Well, yeah." Remus' face fell slightly. "Not in a bad way, exactly. It's just that you're the only person I know who's – who doesn't like girls. It's a good kind of weird, it adds a bit of spice to your life, you know. Not that you were totally bland before, but even you can admit that there was some room for improvement."
First he got a punch to the shoulder and then Remus leaned in over the books they had spread over the table, things that Sirius would forget in a matter of days, and did something he would always remember. Planted a carefree kiss on Sirius' cheek, as small as it was, shocking Sirius enough to keep his hand on his cheek for a few minutes afterwards. "Sorry," Remus mumbled, his face once more turning red, his hands moving towards his face just as they had earlier, his expression mortified at what he had just done.
"Don't be," Sirius said, reaching out a grabbing one of his hands, holding onto it tightly. They both looked down at their hands and then back at one another, this time, not letting go. A few tables away someone was watching them, over the flimsy guise of reading a book, disapproving eyes looking over the situation as they the entire time they had followed the two.
"Where have you been?"
"Hello to you too, mum," Sirius said, giving James an odd look as he entered the dorm room. It was a few minutes past nine at night. He was lucky to have made it back to his room without being caught. He took off his trousers, letting them fall carelessly to the ground. He sat on the edge of his bed, the room scarcely lit by the lamp on the nightstand between the two beds. "What?" he said, getting tired of James' cold glare at him.
"What do you mean what?" James retaliated, crossing his arms over his chest. He sat in his bed, leaning against the wooden headboard, his History book and notes spread out in front of him, the first time Sirius remembered seeing him study in ages. "I saw you for lunch and then you were gone. What I mean is: what happened to Sunday afternoons and the fact that we always hang out together on them?"
"Oh," Sirius said, feeling the color leaving his face. Somehow he had forgotten this fact. Ever since their first year of Senior School together, the first year that they had become really close, they would spend Sunday afternoon doing nothing, the last hours before school started again. They had done this for over two years now and there was really no excuse for Sirius forgetting this fact. "I'm sorry," he began, "Moony and I were – "
James glared at his words, and even in the darkness it was a menacing look. "Moony?" But it wasn't like Remus' voice at all, even if it was the same word. This remark was full of fury; complete annoyance at what James had easily figured out was a name Sirius had given to Remus. After all, it had been Sirius who had named them all years back. James wasn't stupid and he knew what was going on. "So what is this? You're replacing me?"
"What?" Sirius asked, disbelievingly, not sure how James had come to this conclusion. It was as if he had come through all of the possible scenarios and picked out the worst of them all. "That's not what's going on at all, Prongs. How did you – how could I ever do that?" Sirius was literally shocked, watching as James' expression didn't change at all, if anything it got worse.
"Can you not call me that?" James said. Sirius heard the real feelings now, underneath his icy cold cover was someone who was actually hurt by what was going on. And Sirius tried to reach out to his best mate, feeling terrible for what he had done, or rather what he had completely forgotten to do, but James pulled away from him. "Just – get the fuck away, alright?"
Sirius retreated back to his bed, feeling anger building up inside of himself. He rummaged through the drawer of the nightstand to find his pack of cigarettes, muttering livid thoughts to himself all the while. When he had the pack in his hand and was pulling a cigarette out he said, audibly, "If anything, it's that goddamn redhead who's ruining things anyway." As he put the cigarette to his lips, searching his pockets for his matchbook, he knew it was the wrong thing to say.
What convinced him, though, was James, moving faster than Sirius ever thought he could, lashing out at him, quite literally, his hand hitting him hard on the cheek. The cigarette fell from his open mouth and James stomped on it where it landed. Neither one of them spoke, their expressions saying it all. They both looked astonished, neither one of them really grasping what had just happened. Sirius stood up, but didn't say anything. James averted his eyes, but made no move to apologize.
"Right then," Sirius said, and that was all. He couldn't think of anything else, but to leave the room and make his way across the House, thinking of one thing and one thing only and not understanding why. He remembered Remus mentioning who he roomed with once, a boy named Michael Carlisle, someone that Sirius had known for years and, luckily in this situation, also knew where his room was.
After several minutes of winding through hallways and past doors he reached the room he was sure belonged to Michael and, therefore, Remus as well. He raised his hand to knock on the door and couldn't bring himself to do it. His hand dropped to his side and he sighed, knowing that it wasn't right to do what he was doing. Remus didn't need to hear about his problems, no matter how much Sirius wanted to tell him about them. But he was selfish, by nature, and he gave in and knocked. "Oi! Who is – Black?" Michael Carlisle answered the door, grimacing out into the hallway. "What d'you want?"
"Remus," Sirius said automatically, not caring that he had woken up his classmate. He watched as Michael grumbled and left the door, presumably waking up Remus as he did so. Sirius bit his lip and reached his hand up to his cheek. It still slightly stung from the slap he had received, but it was also the cheek that Remus had kissed. An odd mixture of feelings that he didn't understand washed over him.
This was interrupted by Remus walking into the hallway, seeing Sirius' face and closing the door behind him. "What's the matter?" he asked, looking genuinely worried. Sirius did say anything, instead he attacked Remus, wrapping his arms around him and laying his head on his shoulder, feeling tears well up in his eyes. He didn't want Remus to see him in this state even though he knew that Remus was smart enough to figure out what was going on.
Somehow he managed to keep his feelings inside of himself, as he always did, but he didn't release Remus from his grasp, instead noticing the scars that were on the other boy's chest. Remus' shirt was much too big for him and had fallen off of his shoulder when Sirius had grabbed him. "What are those?" he asked, sleepily, looking up at Remus, who was looking at him with eyes full of curiosity.
"Nothing," he said. "Come on, Sirius, you have to get back to your room before you get caught out after lights out." Remus forced Sirius to let go of him and began to walk down the hallway. Sirius didn't follow for a minute, but slowly walked after him. When they were at Sirius' dorm room, Remus said, "Was this my fault?" He reached his hand out and lightly touched Sirius' cheek, which must have still shown the mark of James' assault on his face.
"Don't worry about it," Sirius mumbled, reaching his own hand up to put it on Remus'. He didn't know why he did it, or at least he overlooked the reason why, concentrating only on the blush that fell over Remus' face. They stood there in silence for a moment and then Remus suddenly withdrew his hand, looking away and then backing up a few steps.
"I know it's probably easy," he said, his voice tinged with sadness that made Sirius cringe, "but don't do things like that when you don't really feel that way about me." Sirius opened his mouth, but Remus didn't give him a chance. "I'll talk to you tomorrow, just don't – don't do that just because you know you can." With that he was gone and Sirius was left with only the thoughts of what he had wanted to say, fresh in his mind.
What if I did feel that way?
A/N: So I started writing this, and then my tummy started hurting and my wrist like…died. But I had gotten to James being on top of Sirius, so I sent it to my friend. And she thought it was…well it's not. Okay, it could be construed as Sirius/James, but that wasn't the point, I just love writing James as kind of a jerk, but a good friend…which I guess is an excuse for sitting on his best mate? By the way, I know some people who read this story also read my other one, Drunken Deals. I know that hasn't been updated in a while. But I have the last chapter for that almost done and once it gets proofed and everything it will be up. I've been super busy with school ending and a whole new story (I love to multi task) with Rem and Siri as pirates. Fun abounds. Oh and I hope the fluffiness didn't kill anyone. Review even if you hate it.
