"I know he's living in hell every single day
And so I ask, 'Oh, God, is there some way for me to take his place?'
And when they say, 'It's all touch-and-go,' I wish I could make it go away."
- Permanent, David Cook
~0~
They sat in silence by the infirmary bed, one on each side, and it was a full ten minutes before Kouen spoke up. "At least he's not getting any worse."
Hakuei knew that he was doing his best to comfort her. (His best was all her cousin ever gave, after all.) But while she did appreciate it, it wasn't making her feel any better. "But he isn't improving any more, either."
Absently, she reached out and tucked the sheets more snugly around her little brother's neck. Winter always came on sooner than they thought in this part of the empire, and Hakuryuu still couldn't handle the cold very well. She glanced over to the smaller chair beside hers, wondering if the other sleeping child in the room needed something similar. But Judal, curled up on the cushion like a dozing kitten, seemed fine at the moment. Part of her had been surprised at the little Magi: ever since he had gotten permission to come and visit the prince, he had spent more and more time here with each visit, until nothing short of a direct order from Gyokuen had been enough to move him from this room. She had seen the two boys playing together sometimes, but she had never guessed that Judal would be so devoted to her brother. He seemed convinced that Hakuryuu needed him there as a bodyguard of sorts, that his constant presence would surely be enough to ward off anyone who wished the younger boy further harm.
"I'm the Magi," he had said firmly when Hakuei asked him about it. "They won't do anything while I'm here. Not to my king candidates. They can't."
He hadn't elaborated on exactly who they were, but had kept his vigil over his friend nonetheless. The only times he felt that it was safe to even sleep were like now, when there were people like Hakuei and Kouen here who he trusted to not let anything happen. She didn't fully understand it, but she was grateful. When Hakuryuu woke up (she would not let herself even think if instead), he would wake to find their brothers dead, their mother about to remarry, and their places in the royal hierarchy completely overturned. He would need all the loyalty and protection that he could get.
And, of course, he would wake to find his face and body permanently ruined, she thought miserably. Her own burns were nothing; the marks were all gone by now, two months later. Hakuryuu would be covered in those awful scars (too deep for even healing magic to fix, said her mother) for the rest of his life. She moved her hand up from his neck to gently stroke his hair, one finger brushing against the freshly changed bandage over his eye, and swallowed hard against another lump in her throat. Part of her said scornfully that she had no right to be this upset: Hakuryuu had far more reason to cry than she did. He had already gone through much worse than she had, and would have even worse to deal with in the future.
It should have been me...Oh, gods above, why was it you instead of me?!
"Hakuei-dono?" She glanced up to meet Kouen's eyes, and he continued in a low, steadying voice. "You remember how the nurses said that, since it's been so long and he's fairly stable, there's a chance that he might be able to hear us if we talk to him? Do you want to try that again?"
Hakuei considered it, somewhat skeptically. She had talked to Hakuryuu (well, talked at him would be the more accurate word) plenty of times before when she visited - usually general murmurs of comfort and musings on what was currently happening in the palace - but with only the faint hope that it would get him to respond to her. Even so, she wasn't about to pass up a chance to reach her brother. At worst, nothing would change, but at best, Hakuryuu would hear his big sister's voice and know, on some level, that she was there by his side.
"Hakuryuu," she whispered, her hand resting still on his hair. "I hope that you can hear me, at least a little. I want you to know, you have nothing to worry about. Everyone wants you to be okay, and they're waiting for you to wake up. And Kouen, Judal-kun, and I, we're all right here; we won't let anything else happen to you. So...So you can rest easy, you're going to be just fine."
Following her example, Kouen took one of Hakuryuu's hands in his own, as carefully as if he were handling the thinnest glass. "Your sister has been taking very good care of you since you've been hurt, Hakuryuu-dono. She's been helping the nurses feed you, give you water, dress your wounds, keep you clean, everything. You're in good hands with her here."
"You know, Hakuryuu," Hakuei went on, wondering whether it would help to say his name so much. "I was just thinking before about the times when Father and our brothers came back home from battle. Both of us wanted so badly to be old enough to be old enough and strong enough to go and fight with them...We couldn't wait for that day, could we?" She would never say it to his face, of course, but sometimes she looked at Kouen and felt a sharp pang of envy, that he had been the one who fought beside her father and brothers instead of her. He had always been there to support them...What had she been able to do, especially by comparison? "I was so eager to be there at their side, that I would always ask the three of them to tell me all about it. Living vicariously through them, I suppose. And there was one night, a long while ago, when Hakuyuu-onii-sama taught me a song he'd learned up north. I can still remember it..."
It was one of her favorite memories of Hakuyuu. Alone in the royal family's quarters, wrapped in her older brother's arms and settled comfortably on his lap, with the steady beat of his heart in one ear and the sound of his voice in the other. She had felt so safe with him, back then; she only wished that she could share that feeling with Hakuryuu. "Cherry blossoms gracefully bloom over the fields that lie," she began to sing, as softly and sweetly as she could. "High up is the castle wall; where have the warriors gone? Where is the moonlight that shone so brightly from on high, shone upon the warriors who drained the glasses dry?"
In those few moments, Kouen and Judal had all but faded into the background. There were only two things in Hakuei's focus: her own voice and Hakuryuu's face. Even asleep, that face was tense and tight, as if he were still feeling all the pain and fear he had experienced in the fire. She resumed running her fingers through his hair, wishing she could wipe all of that away, take it all on herself, anything to see her little brother's face happy and peaceful again.
"White frost over the autumn camps freezes the whole night, flocks of wild birds cry and pass just below the moon. Where is the light of that moon that always shone so bright, shone upon the warrior's swords, gleaming in the night?"
She trailed off, only able to clearly remember that half of the song, and the last note hung in the air for a moment. Her brother remained still and unresponsive as ever, and something in Hakuei's chest twisted. "Please wake up, Hakuryuu," she murmured. "We'll be patient, but we're all waiting for you. It'll be okay. I promise."
She couldn't think of anything more to say; at least, nothing that wouldn't run the risk of getting her choked up again. Kouen nodded approvingly, but said nothing as well. The room fell back into the silence of before, with only the breathing of the two sleeping children, one's calm and one's ragged, to disturb it.
A minute passed this way, and then another, and then another.
In the years to come, not even Hakuryuu would ever be sure whether it had happened from random chance or from the sound of Hakuei's voice. But the fact remained that not long after this, for the first time in two months, Hakuryuu slowly opened his unbandaged eye and, on seeing the blurry face above him, whispered faintly, "M...M-Mother?"
At the impossibly soft sound, Hakuei's heart skipped a beat, and an elated smile split her face when she realized what had happened. "Hakuryuu!" she cried out, making her cousin jump. "Hakuryuu - Kouen, go get my mother! Get my mother!"
"Y-Yes, of course!" Kouen stammered, dropping Hakuryuu's hand and bolting out of the room.
The older children's shouts jerked Judal abruptly out of sleep. "Urf?" he said blearily, lifting his head to look at Hakuei with glazed eyes. "Ei-nee-san, wha's goin' on?"
"Hakuryuu woke up!" she told him, her face and voice brighter than she had believed possible.
"Really?!" That news woke Judal up in an instant, and he sat up on his chair and leaned over to the younger boy with an excited grin. "Hey, Hakuryuu!"
Hakuryuu's face scrunched up in discomfort. "Aneue, Judal...You're loud."
"Sorry, sorry...Judal-kun, we're going to have to go easy on him for a while, all right?" Still beaming, Judal nodded and pulled back again, never taking his eyes off of Hakuryuu. Hakuei turned her attention back to her brother, relief still surging through her like a river, and tried for the soft tone of voice that their mother had soothed her with. "How are you feeling, Hakuryuu? Does anything hurt?"
"Don't think so," he mumbled, squinting to try and focus on her. "Jus' feels weird...Where did aniue go?"
All at once, her insides froze, and the smile dropped from her face. Had Hakuryuu not been with Hakuyuu and Hakuren after all? Or was it just taking a while for his memories of them to come back? Either way...How was she supposed to tell them that their brothers had both been burned to ashes? Even Judal, for perhaps the first time in his life, looked lost for words.
Hakuryuu quickly picked up on their distress. "Wh-What's wrong? Where are they?"
"Hakuryuu..." Hakuei swallowed hard, steeled herself, and took her brother's hand in both of hers. "There's something I have to tell you."
~0~
It was another two weeks before Hakuryuu was allowed to remove the bandages from his face and body for good, and the only person he wanted with him when he did so for the first time was Hakuei. (She had been somewhat flattered but very surprised that he had wanted her instead of their mother, but she wouldn't upset him any more by pressing the point.)
She knelt close beside him as he stood before his bedroom mirror, trying to gather his courage. His fingers were clenched tightly into tiny, trembling fists, and he looked at his reflection as if it were about to leap out from the glass and bite him. Knowing that the longer he drew this out, the worse it would be for him, Hakuei laid a gentle hand on his shoulder and murmured, "You can't keep them on forever. It'll be easier to just get it over with quickly."
"Aneue...I don't want to," he said plaintively. "I-I'm scared to."
The pure fear in the boy's voice twisted her heart like an iron hand, but she tried to keep her voice calm and steady. "I know, but whatever you're going to see, it's probably not at all as scary as what you're imagining right now." He didn't answer, but still hesitated, so she offered, "If you don't think you can do it, I'll take them off for you."
"N-No, don't...I can..."
Slowly, shakily, Hakuryuu uncurled his fingers and reached up to the tight knot of cloth at the back of his head. He picked awkwardly at it for a few moments, and Hakuei stayed still and patient, reminding herself even as her heart began to pound that she had to control her own reaction. Hakuryuu could let his feelings out now however he needed to, but she would not hurt him any further by recoiling, or looking at all upset, or -
The knot came undone, and the bandages fell to the floor. Hakuryuu stared in horror at his reflection, at what had been permanently seared over his now unnaturally pale eye. "M-My face..." he stammered, both eyes stretched wide. "My face!"
If she was being honest with herself, the sight of the healed (for lack of a better word) scar made Hakuei feel a small twinge of relief. She had seen it early on while helping to change the dressings on the wounds, when they had still been red and raw like charred meat, and it looked much better now, all things considered. But it would do no good to say any of that out loud. "Hakuryuu, it's okay - "
"No, it's not!" he cried out, voice breaking on the last word, turning on her with tears pouring down his cheeks. (At least that part of the eye still works, she thought fleetingly.) "It's okay for you! You came out looking perfect! But I...I-I'm - !" The words caught in his throat, and he tried but he couldn't get anything more out through his tears.
Immediately, Hakuei reached out and pulled him into her arms, holding him tightly as he clung to the front of her dress. "It's all right. Just let it out," she whispered into his ear. "I'm here. Let it all out."
They sat that way for a long while, Hakuei rubbing comforting circles on her brother's back while he sobbed unrestrainedly into her shoulder. He hadn't cried yet, not about any of this, Hakuei reflected, and it was not at all good for him to bottle all his emotions up in a misguided attempt to act strong. She was sure that that was what their brothers would say; she had watched both of them, time and time again, freely shedding tears for the soldiers they had seen fall on the battlefield.
Hakuei, when something bad happens, never pretend that you don't feel anything. It will hurt you, break you, Hakuren had told her at one of those times. Crying, grieving...These are good things. They're proof that you still have a heart. So let yourself feel and let yourself mourn, and then pick yourself back up and start to move on.
Nii-sama, she thought. I can do that. And I can show Hakuryuu how to do it, too.
She wasn't sure how much time passed until Hakuryuu was able to speak again, and even then, his words were so faint and muffled that she had to ask, "What was that?"
"It..." Unwilling to leave her arms completely yet, he turned his head just enough to uncover his mouth. "It hurts, aneue," he whimpered, and she knew he wasn't talking only about the scar. "It hurts."
"I know, I feel it too. But I'm still here with you, and I will do everything I can to make it okay, I promise."
"But we can't make everything go back to normal. We can't help our brothers. Or Father. Or anyone," Hakuryuu went on miserably. "What...What are we supposed to do now?"
She bit her lip, trying to keep herself composed while she racked her brain for the right thing to say. What would onii-sama do? What would Father do?
Gently, she moved her hands from Hakuryuu's back to his shoulders, and tried to move him back just enough so that he could see her clearly, but he misunderstood her intentions and hastily stepped back, out of her lap but still as close to her as he could be. She didn't want to startle him by yanking him back, but she gripped his shoulders as tightly as she could and looked him in the face. "I don't know just yet exactly where we're going to go from here. But whatever happens, I swear on our brothers' honor, I'm going to keep us both safe. And you...You have to be strong now, Hakuryuu. You've got to keep it together." Hakuryuu's eyes were blank, and his lips were pressed into a tight, thin line. She couldn't tell what was going on inside his head at all. "Hakuryuu? Hakuryuu...?"
"Aneue..." Her brother's head jerked up, and he met her gaze with steely conviction in his eyes. For the briefest of moments, Hakuei felt as if she were looking at their father once more. "I'm going to do that, too, aneue! I'll be strong enough to protect you, too! Strong enough to...to..." His breath hitched, but he kept going: "To never let anything like this happen again!"
"Oh, Hakuryuu," she murmured, her throat tightening with emotion. She wondered if this was how her father and brother had felt, when she had declared the same thing to them "You know how much I love you, right? How I would never let anyone hurt you like this again?" He nodded emphatically, and she gave him a tentative smile. "Then don't forget it, because that's never going to change."
"I won't." Hakuryuu started to reach out to her, then stopped, looking at his arm and the bandages still wrapped around half of it. Upon being suddenly reminded of what he was here for in the first place, his face fell.
Hakuei immediately tried to reassure him. "I can help you take those off, if you - "
"No," he said, surprising her. "If...If it's all right with you...I think I want to try taking the rest off by myself."
"...All right, then. If you're sure." She leaned up and pressed a light kiss to the scarred skin above her brother's left eye, and then got to her feet and started for the door, leaving him to do what he had to do. "If you want me back, or if you need anything else at all, just call for me. I'll be right there."
~0~
A/N - "Moonlight on the Ruined Castle" is an actual Japanese song. The half Hakuei sang is from an English translation that I found on . ( won't let me put in the link, so I hope writing it like that works.)
