Chapter 4 – Kiss and Tell



It was a slow night at the Sunnydale cemetery. Buffy had only come across one vamp—a newly-risen banker who'd barely lasted two seconds before turning to dust--hardly a challenge.

Sighing, the Slayer continued walking among the gravestones, absently swinging her arms like a little girl. Her heart just wasn't in it tonight. Although she hated to admit it, she missed Spike. The vampire had accompanied her on patrols almost every night since her resurrection and it was just too quiet without him.

She missed his cynical humor, his 'big bad' attitude, and even his overzealous approach to killing demons. He almost made slaying seem fun.

But it wasn't just that, and she knew it. Besides the obvious physical attraction, she missed other things about him as well. Like the way he looked at her so many different ways—with admiration, wistfulness, lust, longing, and sometimes something she thought looked like love. But it couldn't be that. She knew it just couldn't.

And now he was gone. And that was good. He was thousands of miles away. He couldn't touch her. And that was good—right?

She frowned. Somehow, it didn't feel that way.

She thought about the ticket to London, lying on top of her dresser at home. She'd stared at it for a long time the previous night, wondering what it would be like to go. If only…

But she knew she couldn't go. Spike was evil. She had to remind herself of that.

Being with Spike was wrong. What they did together was wrong. If her friends ever found out—she couldn't bear the thought of having to face them. They'd never understand. How could they?

Sighing again, Buffy decided to go home. It was late and he was tired.

And although Spike was far away, she knew, he'd never been closer.

* * *

After several tries, the exhausted vampire finally managed to open the door to his room. He put the card key in the pocket of his leather duster and threw his duffel on the comfortable-looking chair next to the window. Glancing around his posh surroundings, he thought to himself that Buffy would've approved. The hotel dated back to the Victorian era and was beautifully furnished in a style that matched the period. He reflected that it was a bit like visiting the past again.

Spike took off his coat and hung it in the wardrobe. He then emptied the hotel's mini-refrigerator and replaced its contents with the blood packets, labeled as tomato juice, that he'd successfully smuggled through airport security. He'd only brought a half dozen pouches and planned to check out the local scene the following evening to get more. He remembered that he hadn't put up the "do not disturb" sign and went to the door to take care of it.

Although too tired to unpack, Spike went through his duffel again, pulling out a picture of Buffy that he'd taken from her basement almost a year before. He smiled as he looked at the girlish image in the school photo.

"Good night, luv," he said, carefully propping it up on the bedside table. The weary traveler then lay down and turned off the light. He fell asleep almost instantly.

* * *

It was after eleven o'clock by the time Buffy arrived home. She was surprised to see that most of the lights in the house were still on. As she fumbled with her keys, she could hear Xander and Anya talking in the living room. They were speaking in lowered voices with urgent undertones.

When she finally swung the door open and stepped into the foyer, three somber faces stared up at her. There was an uncomfortable silence before she spoke.

"What's going on? Is there something wrong?" she asked, gazing went from Willow, to Xander and finally to Anya. She immediately thought of her teenage sister who had been continuously getting into trouble lately.

"Is Dawn okay?" she asked, a note of panic in her voice. "Where's Dawn?"

Willow spoke first. "Dawn's fine. She's upstairs."

Buffy frowned. "Then what's going on? Why all the gloomy faces?"

Xander nodded to Willow, who then nervously cleared her throat. "We're concerned about you Buffy," she said.

The Slayer smiled nervously. "I'm fine. I don't—"

"Buff, we know about you and Spike," Xander interrupted.

Buffy shrugged. "Me and Spike?" She glared at Anya before turning to Xander. "I don't know what you're talking about."

The ex-demon spoke up. "I'm not stupid, you know. I could tell what you and Spike were doing yesterday in the training room."

"We were sparring – that's all," the Slayer said, her voice rising a pitch.

"You were having sex!" Anya replied, testily. "You were thumping…and screaming…and he was half naked!"

"Anya…" Xander began, putting a cautioning hand on his fiancée's shoulder.

Buffy opened her mouth to say something but Willow spoke first. "Buffy, we're your friends. We want to help you, but you have to be honest with us."

Buffy looked uncertainly at her three friends. "Suppose it's true," she said softly. "Suppose that Spike and I are…" She bit her bottom lip. "I'm an adult and what I do in my private life is just that – private."

"Buff, like Willow said, we're your friends and we care about you," Xander said, trying to keep his voice calm. "Spike's bad news – always has been, always will be. You, of all people, should know that."

He shook his head. "I don't know what's going on with you, Buffy," he continued. "I mean, I'm guessing it has something to do with the whole resurrection thing. I know it can't be easy for you. And maybe it seems like none of us have been here for you, lately…but we are. We're your friends – always will be."

Buffy paused before speaking. "I understand you guys are trying to help…and I appreciate that," she said. "This whole thing with Spike—I can't explain it myself. I mean, I've been fighting this for a really long time. It's no use—I'm just drawn to him, like that whole moth-to-flame thing. I know it's wrong, but…"

"Buffy, you're not in love with him, are you?" Willow asked, her brow furrowed.

"No," Buffy responded immediately, then frowned and shook her head. "I don't know. Spike and I have this connection. Maybe it's always been there. Even when he was evil and we were trying to kill each other—he's always seemed to understand me. He just gets me somehow."

"He's still evil, Buffy," Willow said quietly. "That chip in his head—you know it doesn't make him good. If it were to ever stop working, he'd be right back to his old tricks. And where would that leave you? It'd be like Angel becoming Angelus all over again. You'd have to kill him."

"Buffy, you need to end this now," Xander added gravely. "The longer it goes on, the harder it's going to be."

The Slayer nodded almost imperceptibly as she made a decision. "I think I've finally figured out what I have to do," she said.

Willow attempted a smile. "Good. I knew you would."

Buffy glanced around the room. "I need to got to London--to be with Spike," she said, sounding very determined. "So I can get him out of my system."

Willow's mouth hung open and she glanced at Xander. "London? Buffy…that wasn't exactly the plan we had in mind. Actually, we were thinking, uh, avoidance--"

"It's the only way," the Slayer replied firmly. "I've already tried the whole avoidance thing and it doesn't work. I can't fight this anymore. I need to face this—and see it through."

"But, Buffy—" Willow protested.

"Spike once told me that he was 'in my system'," the Slayer continued, ignoring her friend. "He said that I would 'crave him like he craves blood' and he was right." She shook her head. "He's always so annoyingly right!"

"But Buff, what do you think you're going to do?" Xander asked, "You can't just go over there to…"

Buffy gave Xander a cold stare. "I'm going to do what I have to…to get him out of my system," she replied quietly. "Spike's in London. He left last night. That's where I need to be."

"But, you just can't—" Willow began.

Buffy sighed. "Since he left, it's like he's all I think about. I thought that I'd be better off with him gone—you know, 'out of sight, out of mind'? But, it's not like that…not at all. You guys just have to trust me. I may not be sure of what I'm doing but I think, in this case, I have to go with my instincts."

Willow frowned. "But what about Dawn? You just can't leave her."

"I need to talk to her. I think she'll understand." She turned to Willow. "But I'm going to need your help…taking care of Dawn while I'm gone. If you're really my friends, you'll do this for me."

Anya shook her head and frowned. "It'll never work," she muttered. "I mean, it's kind of like what I tried to do with Xander in the beginning. I thought I would just have sex with him that one time. But then one time led to another…and another…and another..." She glanced at her fiancée. "And now look at us!"