Jade's :

When I wake I am in Beck's room. He's laying up beside me. He's just staring there. He's trying to find my eyes. I let him. I'm angry with him. He won't find any sadness inside me right now,If that is what he is looking for.

Me: Beck-I say through gritted teeth- What the hell are you staring at? After you kidnapped me in Downtown last night you're just going to sit there and stare at me? Like and idiot with that dumb facial expression.

Beck:-Silence-

He just keeps staring at knows he's irritating me. He's doing it on purpose.

Jade: Umm... Maybe you didn't hear me...

Beck:I don't understand you. If you're so smart. Why can't you see that that act doesn't phase me. You let me kiss you last night. If you really didn't want me to, you could have beat the tan out of me. Well at least I would have let you. And I'm so worried about you. Aren't you worried for yourself? Jade, you walk around like a robot. I see you at lunch. It's like you have to force yourself to do things. Basic things. I see you fighting with yourself. I want to know Jade. I want to know what's going on with you. I want to know why you're at war with everyone. With Tori, Me, and yourself. I want to know what's disturbing you. You haven't always been this mean.

As the weight of his words is placed on my mind, I am not angered. I'm looking for serious answers to his questions. NOT TO REPORT BACK TO HIM. But just because I want to know myself. I'm trying to think but nothing's coming up. Huh. There's that part about Tori trying to get to me,but I can't hear it over my thinking.

Me: If wants were dreams wishes would fly.

Beck: What does that mean.

Jade: It means I don't give a Sam Heaven what you want to know. Who do you think you are? Huh? You think you're important too me. You think I let you kiss me. No. You kidnapped me last night and then. I don't know what you did to me. Probably sold me to one of your friends for the night.

That last statement is so funny to me. Because we always joke about that kind of stuff. My "friends" and I. But it's not funny. Now that I think about it. It's terrible.

Beck: Jade. Don't try and change the subject. I want to know.

Why? Why do you want to know?No. You'll never know. You'll never truly know Beck Oliver. You can't handle it if you did. Look at me. So at what it's doing to me. Look what knowing is doing to me. It's pushing and pulling at me. Make me feel sick. I've thrown up at least 12 times in the last week. You can't know. Because I do care about you. And if you mean what you say, I can't lose you. For your sake. I WON'T TELL YOU. One part protection,one part not knowing myself.

Me: Leave me alone.

I say while getting up and heading for his doesn't follow me,which isn't surprising. He has a habit of not going after me.

I reach into my jacket that I still have on. Even though I am in some of Beck's sweats, and pull out my pearpod. I put on Three Door's Down. I've always related to their music, but now I feel like they're telling my life. How do they know?

There's another world inside of me that you may never see.

There's secrets in this life that I can't hide.

Somewhere in this darkness there's a life that I can't find.

Maybe it's too far away, Or maybe I'm just blind...

When your education x-ray cannot see under my skin, I won't tell you a damn thing that I could not tell my friends.

Roaming through this darkness I'm alive, but I'm alone.

Part of me is fighting this but part of me is gone.

There they are. Those last two lines go through me like mist through a window pain. I feel them they're so true for me. I'm just letting this thing take over me. I'm slowly dying. And soon there will be nothing left. And I'm okay with that. And not to feed the theatrics,but I can feel that thick decimating fog falling over my body. Decoding it with it's grayness. Oh my Goodness. When I was younger. as a child. I would always run in the room to sleep with my mother. The color of my walls scared me. As I got older I grew stronger. Since I didn't have a mother present to rescue me any longer. She left me. She left me home. All the emotions of that memory come rushing back and I begin to feel light headed. As if by cue. As soon as the rain begins pouring down. I'm thrown into the depth of my mind. With such memories and visions popping up, and the , moving away.

There's this constant ache in my mind.

Even as I am sleep. All I can see is my self waking up in my room. With my father next to me. All I can do is stare at the walls as he comes closer to me. Placing his lips on mine. Putting his hands where a father's hands shouldn't go on his child. But all I can do is stare at the walls. I can't wake from the dream. I can't even cry. I just stare at my walls. Waiting for this sick joke to be over. But I'm never rescued. It goes on and on and on. My father never I'm irresponsive, and the pounding in my head is slow and very rough watching the beat of my heart sounding with the beat of the walls. And the hole inside of me grows. As I am being consumed by The Gray of my walls.