Jacob had been the first shape-shifter I met. After that was Paul. Then Quil. Then Sam. And then Embry, followed by the rest of the pack. But the first names were the important ones. Jacob saved my life and for that I was eternally grateful. But he was also one of my best friends. Paul said I was the only kid he could actually stand, and he was like a brother to me. But unlike Jasper, I felt like I was hanging out with my kid brother when I was around Paul. His immaturity, though I despised it so, always had a strange calming effect. Quil was just funny. Plain and simple, he made me laugh. Sam was kind. Even though he knew that I knew his secret without being anyone's imprint, he was completely fine with the fact. He loved me like a daughter because Emily was hoping for a baby, and he saw everything he wanted in a child in me. I don't know how. I thought I was completely stupid, hyper-active, and overly confident but he saw sparks of a defiance in me. Strength I still wasn't sure I had.

And then there was Embry. He was handsome when I met him, at 6. He was still handsome, and still looked the same. Except that the Embry sitting on my front porch was much more angry than the Embry that had bought me ice cream ten years ago. The Embry on my

front porch was shaking and growling as the Volturi pulled up behind us. My stomach twisted and I swallowed hard. It wasn't easy, looking at him. Everything Edward said came rushing back to me and made me feel sick to my stomach. So maybe, I had liked him more than I preferred to let on. Maybe, if we had ever decided to risk it, I would have found it way to easy to fall in love with him. But that was the precise reason I couldn't let anything happen. We both knew, deep down, that it could never work out. Especially not now. Embry needed a girl that was ready to settle down and have a life with him. But I had barely begun to live and I couldn't give that up for him. I couldn't be the wife that sat at home and made lunch for the kids and watched soap operas. It couldn't be me.

"Embry..." I greeted, as I walked up to him. The rest of the family hung back. They knew I couldn't do this with everyone around. Even if we weren't going out, I had to tell him that what we had couldn't be. We couldn't feel that way anymore. It couldn't work and just saying those words were going to hurt. Bad.

"Riddely are you okay?" He asked, turning his eyes from the car and looking at me with wide, anxious eyes. I hated how innocent helooked in that moment. I hated how my heart curled into itself, preparing for the blow I knew was coming.

"Let's take a walk." I said, ignoring his question. Without waiting for a response I turned and walked to the woods. There was a trail here, leading over into LaPush. I was pretty sure it was just for Jake and Nessie's sake. I stopped after about ten minutes of walking and leaned against a rock. I heard him lean against it and could feel him right next to me. I closed my eyes and tried to pretend that he wasn't there and that I was just rehersing my lines. I tried to pretend it wasn't as hard as it was.

The trees were a lot prettier than I imagined. The light was warmer. The sound of a chipmunk scuttling through the underbrush didn't fighten me as it once had. Everything out there seemed...perfect. Clean. Pure. I wanted to just sit there forever and feel the air on my skin. I wanted to taste the life on my tongue. It smelled like dirt and wild. It smelled like freedom I could never have. After four months I'd always have to be in control. Control of my desires at least. I'd never get to just let go and be wild. Like the forest.

"What happened?" Embry asked. His voice was rough. He could read me well and knew that I was carrying bad news. Stupid animal senses. Or maybe that was just Embry. Maybe he was just more observant and caring than most people.

"I made a deal." I said. I had to get this all out at once or I wouldn't at all. I'd just end up a sobbing mess sitting in the woods. I took a deep breath. He waited as I steeled myself against what I was about to say. "I told them that I'd come back here to finish my schooling, and then return to Volterra. I told them that they could change me and that I'd join their ranks for seven

years but after that I was free to return to the Cullens. The Cullen Coven was cleared of all charges and there would be no move made to harm them." I rushed. Embry was silent for a long time.

"What did they say?" He finally struggled to get out.

"Aro accepted. He sent a few of the Volturi back to make sure I didn't try and back out on his deal. That's why they're here." I said. "They've agreed to follow the Cullens example and only eat animals while they're staying. I was surprised at that part." I tried to chuckle to myself. It came out sounding almost like a sob. I felt Embry start to shake beside me and reached out and

touched his arm. It slowed some, but his body was still humming with the want to change.

"Why?" Embry managed to struggle out. The word sounded so angry and broken that it brought tears to my eyes.

"Because they were going to kill us all. It was the only way. Now, everyone wins." I shrugged to myself.

"Except you." He growled, stepping away from the rock and standing in front of me. His eyes were intense and worried and sad.

Like a puppy too fierce for its own good.

"Yes. Me too. I get to stay with my family after I've served my time. When I come back I get to be apart of their family for ever. A real part. I won't be so...breakable. No one will have to be so careful with me anymore." I said, and as I spoke the words to myself they felt almost true.

"But you'll be away from me." Embry snapped, grabbing the tops of my arms. It would leave bruises but I just couldn't push him away.

"I was never with you." I stressed. This time my laugh was sarcastic and wounded. "We just...Embry there was never an us. There was you, and then there was me. There could never be an us and you know that."

"No I don't and neither do you. Just...don't give up on it." He was angry now.

"There's is nothing to give up on. Embry you could walk back into LaPush right now and imprint on some girl you've never seen. And then you would wish you could take back what you're saying right now. I know you. I know that you don't want to hurt me and I dont want to hurt you. That's all that would ever happen if we became something. It's just...not meant to be. We both have someone out there waiting for us to find them." I reached up and touched his cheek. This was easier than I thought it would be. It was still hard and although my heart was cracked it wasn't broken. Because what I said was true. Embry wasn't for me. He couldn't be mine because whether he knew it or not he already belonged to someone else.

"You don't believe that."

"I do." I argued. And it was true. "Embry wishing that this could happen won't make it any easier. You have been one of my best friends for...a long time. I don't want to loose that. I need you now more than ever but not in the way you want. It can't be in that way. You know that. I know you know that." I hadn't realized I was crying until he brushed a tear off my cheek. He looked

like he wanted to beg.

"I could kill them for making you do this." He growled. His pain transformed into something primal.

"It was my choice. And we both know that it wouldn't matter if I was going to be changed or not. We'd have this conversation eventually. We're both too smart to let ourselves get hurt. I just...be my friend? Please? That's all I can ask of you and I only have four more months to be your friend. Don't take that from me." I pleaded. It was kind of a low blow, to use my situation

against him but I couldn't help it. He was my friend more than anything else and I just wanted him to stay that way. Now more than ever.

"You know the answer is yes. No matter what I'll always be your friend. I guess...I guess I just kept hoping that maybe my imprint instinct was kicking in late. That it'd be you after all. You know that right? No matter who it is I'll always wish it had been you." He said, and ran a thumb across my cheek. I felt even worse now. His feelings for me ran so much deeper than mine did for

him. He sounded like he already loved me and I just...didn't. I just couldn't trick myself into thinking I loved him in that way.

It wasn't that I didn't care it was just that, deep down I knew there was someone else who would make it too easy to love them. I knew that it would be more painful than this because I would love them too much to let go. And it wasn't Embry.

"You say that now. But that girl is going to be amazing." I smiled at him, and he dropped his hand. I was relieved and upset at the same time. Sometimes the conflict of human emotions was a hassle.

"And who will you find?" He asked. There was no jealousy or even sarcasm in his voice. He sounded genuinely curious. I could only shrug. It was a good question. A question that suddenly filled my head with the fairytale images of a prince on a white horse and a castle. Dreams.

"I don't know. I hope they don't mind me being all...immortal." I joked. He actually could laugh finally. The weight of the sorrow was heavy but it would fade. It would lessen with time. And it seemed that I was soon going to have all the time in the world to allow that crack in my heart to fully heal. But even that knowledge did little to help me feel better as we walked back to the

house. Halfway back Embry stopped and realized that it probably wouldn't be the best idea to go back to the house with me, considering who was there. I watched him walk away, into the woods without a goodbye hug. And I had always gotten goodbye hugs.

But who was I kidding? I had hurt him as much as I had hurt myself. He needed time. So that's what I decided to give him. But before I went to face my family I sat down in the dirt and just cried. I really cried for the first time in a long time. The cries that are filled with sobs and snot and drool and that leave you with a headache and a need for a nap. The cries that leave you crumpled on the ground in sorrow. The cries that ruin you. And it honestly felt good to cry that way. Out there, I knew that it would probably be my only chance to let it out without someone else probably being able to hear. I didn't move for a long time. I didn't even think about going back for a while but when I did I was relieved to find that it wasn't so hard to walk now. It wasn't so painful to think about the future because my grieving process had been inacted. My body was taking initiative and deciding that it was time to try and start healing. I couldn't go into immortality being bitter and angry. What kind of vampire would I be then? I needed to be calm and resoltue so that my attention could be focused on being good. On being like Carlisle. I wanted to be like him. He was my idol. And to be like him I had to be strong minded when I was changed. I had to be ready and I couldn't do that if I was weak and mourning for a life I could never get back. I had to survive.

So, I wiped my eyes and walked back to the house knowing my cheeks were puffy and my eyes were red. I tried to keep my head held high and my breathing stable. I walked up the front steps and opened the door. Walking in, the house wasn't as quite as I had expected it to be. Nessie raced down the stairs to my side, yelling at me that we were moving my bed into her room. Esme was cooking something in the kitchen and the smells and sounds of the stove were drifting to me from there. Emmett had the T.V. on in the living room. Edward was playing the piano somewhere in the house. Once again, they were all trying so hard to distract me.

Edward probably liked all the noise to distract him from my utterly depressing thoughts and I once again pitied him having to hear them. I sighed, almost contentedly before I remembered who else was probably lurking around the house. My body automatically tensed at the thought of that hulk Felix, and then stiffened compltely with the image of Jane flashing in my mind. Demitri's face was the next I shuddered at, but strangely enough, Alec was the last of them, and he didn't scare me like I knew he should have. He was just as dangerous. Probably more so but...he seemed so much like Marcus. Almost like he was too dead to even feel anymore but then I remembered the weight of his glare. And the hatred he had for me reminded me that he was just as big of a monster as any of the rest of them were. A cold, emotionless, blood-thirsty monster that was going to be watching me like a hawk for the next for months. I shivered so badly it was almost a convulsion.

"That's...awesome Nessie." I said, smiling despite myself. She was so happy all the time. She seemed so alive that sometimes I forgot she was half vampire. That was, until she moved at lightening speed and I was left blinking at open air. I shook myself when I realized she'd sped into the kitchen. I followed after her. She was sitting on the counter, talking to Jake, while Esme was over the stove, steam rising around her. She didn't break a sweat. Of course.

"Hi Jake." I said, smiling although it came out as more of a grimace. I knew he was going to hate me once he phased and saw what Embry and I had talked about. He, like Edward, was a big supporter of my getting at Embry. He would be upset, because Embry was upset, and I hated to think that I just might loose his friendship over it.

"Riddely." He nodded, and pulled me into a very heated hug before ruffling my hair. I smiled an actual smile this time. "So, you are going to be bunking with my lovely lady, or so I hear." He said, smiling that lumenescent smile of his. It was infectious.

"Apparently. I just hope she doesn't keep me up all night, talking about how georgous you are, and how she loves you sooo much. Really, it gets quite old." I said, watching in delight as Nessie shot me a mock glare. Jake pressed a kiss to her cheek and a little bit of jealousy tossed and turned in my stomach. Was it so bad that I wanted that? A love easy and simple and straightforward and real? A love that came without consequence?

"Well, can you really blame her? I mean, have you seen me?" He asked, looking extremely pleased with himself as he examined his arm muscles. It earned him a hard smack in the stomach from Nessie. He actually winced which I found hilarious. I couldn't stop the laughter that bubbled up from my stomach. It felt good to laugh. It even made me feel better. I had always thought that laughter was the best medicine, and right now my belief was being reinforced. I appreciated them ignoring my puffy eyes and tear streaks. The last thing I wanted was them to question me about that.

"Anyways...where are they?" I lowered my voice, but even I, the human with horrible eyesight and bad reflexes, noticed how Esme lost her beat while stirring the noodles for a moment. Jake glanced around the kitchen before turning back to me with dark eyes. It was obvious what he thought about the current situation.

"With Carlisle. He took them...out. I just hope they don't hurt him or anything while he's teaching them how to hunt things other than humans. Bella projected her sheild onto him, so that Jane and Alec can't use their powers. But...we're all worried. Alice and Jasper went with them, just to be safe. At least now, if a fight does break out, the numbers will be a little more even." Jake shrugged, but I could see in his stance and hear in his voice that he was hoping they would get back soon. I knew for a fact that altering their diets was going to but the Volturi crew in a very foul mood.

"And plus, Jaz is intimidating enough on his own. I don't think they'd try anything. They saw how angry he got when Aro even looked at you." Nessie added in, as much to calm her own nerves as to calm ours. My gaze flickered to Esme, as she was hustling about the kitchen at a blindingly fast pace. It was amazing, how fact things got cooked around here.

"When did they leave?" I asked, leaning against the counter.

"Right after you and Embry went on a walk." Nessie said. I looked down at the mention of it and tried to ignore how silence suddenly settled over us. They so knew something had happened. They were just too polite to ask.

"Right..." I said, and raised my hand to my mouth. My teeth began chomping away at my nails. It was a horrible, nervous habit of mine, and I wondered if it would be gone once I was changed.

Suddenly I heard a door open and not a moment later Carlisle was in the kitchen. I could just see the frustrastion on his face and soon Jaz and Alice were in the kitchen as well. They looked more irritated than frustrated. I wasn't even sure Carlisle could look irriated though. He was just too nice.

"So...how'd it go?" I asked, feeling slightly awkward after no one had said anything for a while.

"It was...difficult. They weren't exactly pleased with the idea of having to catch the animals themselves. I guess they've gotten used to having people...just...brought to them." Alice spoke. Jaz growled and sat at the table. Carlisle shook his head sadly, and Alice looked - quite frankly - disgusted. I pulled a face too. Just the thought was...unsettling.

"That's...ew." I heard Nessie say, and she made a gagging motion with her hand. Alice only nodded in agreement.

"Jane made me catch something for her. I swear I've never met a more prissy...bitchy...snobbish...ugh!" Alice groaned, throwing her hands in the air. It was rarely that I saw her get upset, and this time I couldn't help but be angry with her. I could just see Jane's face, turned up in haughty pride at the idea of running through the woods to catch her own food. I almost would have thought she would want to catch the animal herself, so that she could torture it before she ate it. She seemed like a sick person like that. But then I realized she was going to make this situation as unbearable as possible. Of course she would refuse to catch her own food.

"I hate her." I stated simply, the only emotion in my voice boredom. It was a plain fact and I just felt the need to say it aloud. I wasn't sure I had in the past, so I just wanted to make sure.

"Everyone hates her. I'm pretty sure her own brother hates her a little bit." Jake said, joinging the conversation. Jaz was still fuming in the corner and Carlisle was helping Esme cook.

"Nah. He's just as fucked up in the brain as she is. I'm guessing they get along just swimmingly." I countered, liking this Volturi bashing. It helped me to let out some of my frustrastion with the situation. It was good therapy.

"Well all I know is that I hate all of them." Nessie said, also stating it in the way I had. It was a fact. It was expected, and it was accepted. The Volturi, were just an easy bunch to hate.

"As fun as this is, I'm beat, so I'm going to go to bed." I said, walking around the room to hug everyone good-night. Jaz seemed barely aware of anyone, so I settled for patting his head as I walked out of the room. Rosalie had joined Emmett on the couch, although she was obviously not interested in the game. I hugged them from behind the couch and planted a kiss on each of their cheeks.

"I'll go up too." Nessie said, as she followed me up the stairs. I heard Edward playing the piano down the hall but decided not the bother him, since I knew the song he was playing was Bella's, which probably meant she was in there with him. They deserved their own couple time.

As I changed and got into bed, Nessie turned the light off and moved to her own bed. She collapsed and surprised me by not starting to rattle on about absolutely nothing. She left me to my thoughts, which were swirling and confusing.

Embry wasn't what I wanted to think about. I wanted to just move on from that now, but I didn't want to think about the future either. At least, not the scary future.

I couldn't think about the Volturi because I knew they had to be close by, and I was just going to end up giving myself nightmares. After all, they were dangerous and deadly and had just had what they probably considered a very unsatisfying meal.

I ended up just thinking about school. Tomorrow was Monday. That meant I had to go back. I had to face the halls of that damed place. But suddenly it didn't seem so bad anymore. In fact, I found myself wishing that the school years wouldn't end.

I just wanted more time. More time to appreciate everything. More time to be human and make mistakes. Just more time. But I didn't have that. I didn't have time to do any of that so I decided that the only thing I could do was no regret. I had to live like there was no tomorrow because I only had four months left. I wanted to make them count. I was going to really live.

Even if it killed me.