Okay so this is just for 20eKuRaN17. Because just like me, on Christmas day they were reading angsty as hell Gundam Wing fan fiction, and just like Duo, I realised I wasn't alone. It actually meant a lot to me.

I awoke alone. Well alone in my bed, because Heero was sat at the desk on the other side of the room, typing away on his laptop. Facing away from me, and wearing the same clothes from the day before. It would not have surprised me if he had even forgotten that I was even in the room. Wait a minute… why is he even still here? He has his own room… Was he watching over me? But no, he's just here, typing away. I don't even know what he is typing half the time. But it is amazing just how silently someone can type. Back in the day, it used to be mechanical style keyboards. The clunk of springs and plastic meeting. Or maybe it's just Heero… Probably, just a perfect soldier with perfect keyboard skills. I mean those hands and those fingers could do the impossible after all. He knows I am awake now, the slight stutter in his movement across the keys as he listens for my movement, for my breathing. I swear to god I saw them actually perk up if that's even possible, almost like a puppy.I tried to hide a snort of laughter at that image in a long yawn, reaching my arms above my head in a satisfying stretch. My shoulders popped from the stiffness and in the foggy moments of being half asleep, I could feel the itch starting on my skin, which slowly leads to my stomach doing summersaults as I remembered exactly just what had happened last night.

I let my hands fall into my lap, and my gaze onto the back of Heero's head. Just what the hell was going on? Did he really spend all night with me, in my bed? Was that why he was still in my room? I could feel the blush building on my cheeks at that. I don't know why though, it's not like we had never shared a bed before. There had been plenty of safe houses that had been sparsely furnished and we had all managed to sleep, eventually taking it in turns, I had even shared with Wufei, though I would always tease him about that. There had been missions wherein the lull between explosions, and we might have shared a bed when rest was essential. So what was it about last night that had me blushing like a little school girl? And why was my heart racing like this too? Dammit.

Eventually chalking it down to stress and illness, after all, I had been vomiting a lot, I decided on a shower. Sighing, I stood and made my way to the bathroom, leaning heavily on the door after I closed it. Seriously heart, what the hell? Why won't you calm down? The more I thought about Heero, the faster it went.

A knock came on the door. I hadn't even heard him get up. "Duo? Are you okay?" Seriously what was with all this mothering he's been doing lately?

"Yea. I'm good Heero. Just need a shower. I stink." Hoping that he believed me I reached over and turned the shower on. It felt as though he had wanted to say something else, but he left just as silently as he came, and I pleaded that he would be gone by the time that I got out. Or rather I prayed he wouldn't decide to come and break the door down, deciding that I couldn't be trusted to be alone. But thankfully he did not return.

I tried my hardest not to look in the mirror over the sink as I undressed. I knew I would only be met with hollow dead eyes, a skinny and far too white body, and my exposed arms showing the latest of my… Shaking those thoughts from my mind, I focused instead on undoing my braid, taking comfort in the way that the latest cuts on my arms stung with the movement, rather than thinking about the history that my hair had. Father Maxwell, Sister Helen… Solo. The cuts burned when I plunged myself into the steaming water. You have to hand it to Quatre; his family safe houses always had amazing power showers. I smiled to myself and began lathering myself with soap, letting the familiar smell envelop and comfort me. My stomach was still giving painful empty lurches now and again but the water was soothing.

As hard as I tried though, for some reason I just could not get Heero from my mind. I focused on scrubbing but instead would see his eyes. I scrubbed harder and saw his lips. Dammit, why the hell was just the slightest thought of that Japanese boy putting me so on edge? The way lately he had taken to smiling softly at me…

Shaking my head fiercely I finished washing up, focusing instead on making sure I got all the soap from my hair, before getting out of the shower and drying myself off.

Thankfully the bedroom was empty when I returned, and I took about drying and braiding my hair, pushing down that longing feeling of having someone else tend to it for a change. Maybe someone like Heero…

Fuck. If something else makes me think of that blue eyed asshole I think I'm going to go full Shinigami on them!

/Because he cares about you…/ Came a voice in the back of my head. /Someone actually cares about you. And it scares you. You can't bear the thought of him being close to you… because he will die… Just like them… They all die… You kill them…/ Was it right? Was that stupid niggling voice actually right? It couldn't be. For a start, Heero didn't care… Did he? He was just ensuring the health of another Gundam pilot. We all do it. We tend to each other's wounds all the time and this was no different. This time it was just mentally not physically.

Convinced it was nothing but that, I tied off my hair and took to dressing. Black… Everything was always black. My black jeans, black long sleeved t-shirt, black combat boots. Black like the night, like shadows, like death… I'll stop wearing black when they invent a darker colour. But for now black is like a big blanket. And it hides the blood well too. There was a moment when I considered treating and bandaging my cuts but decided against it. The rate I went through the first aid kit these days, it would be lucky if there was any left for an actual accident. I guess falling repeatedly on a razor blade isn't really classed as an accident these days.

Sighing I let my jokers mask fall into place. I can do this. I've done it for so long, that today is no different.

The smell of freshly brewed coffee welcomed me to the kitchen, and I let it tug me in. Yes, my weakness is coffee. Good real coffee that is. Trowa was the first to introduce it to me. Earth coffee was a thousand times better than the cheap artificial imports that could be found on L2. This was opulent, velvety and had an incredible body, whereas L2 'coffee' was weak and, well, brown. That was literally the only way you could describe it. Brown bitter water… Coffee had quickly become the one luxury that all of the Gundam pilots insisted on at every safe house, and this was just the same. I think we went through coffee quicker than ammunition.

Heero was standing over the kettle and was proceeding to make a fresh pot. "Do you want one?" he said, not even turning around. Damn those ears.

"Sure, actually I would love one, Heero." I slipped into a chair at the dining table and nodded at him gratefully when he passed me the mug.

We sat in silence, slowly sipping the hot nectar. In the last week, there had been no need for words between us. When Trowa, Quatre, or Wufei were here, I felt it necessary to bounce around them, play the joker, and pretend that there was nothing wrong, I would even tease Wufei, or do the odd practical joke when I had the energy. But somehow with Heero, I dunno, it just doesn't feel like I have to anymore. He has seen me at my worst, all of the crying and cutting. He knows it is nothing but a mask that I wear, so why bother wasting the energy on it for him now.

"Where are the others," I ask. Hoping that the break in silence will calm my nerves and allow me to focus on something other than the itching of my skin.

He shrugged. "Wufei has a mission with the Shenlong, and Trowa and Quatre, are off doing a grocery shop. They haven't been gone for long." He paused. "I'm assuming that you haven't checked your laptop recently…" His eyes never left me. I could feel them boring into me, though I don't believe he meant to make me feel so uncomfortable.

"You know I haven't. I've been a bit pre-occupied." Cutting myself open, vomiting, and contemplating suicide. "Why? Has something come up?" The coffee slushed around in my half-empty mug and I was faintly aware that I was trembling slightly.

"We have a mission."

My head shot up to look at him. "We?" Two weeks! And I finally end up with a mission partnered with the goddamn perfect soldier; a fucking babysitter. Of course! This was Heero Yuy, perfect soldier, Mister. I never leave anything out of my reports. So of course, Dr J would know and probably Professor G by this point too. Well, this explains lots of things now. They probably wanted a rundown of how I acted; scratch that, how I dealt with the aftermath of a mission after my last fuck up. They wanted Heero to document the whole damn thing!

"Nothing major." He replied calmly. "Nothing I can't handle on my own if you're not up to it." Well, of course, he would say that, wouldn't he? It could be to destroy the whole world, and he would shrug it off like that.

"It's just a hack job, plans for a new mobile suit design. There should be no need for either Wing or Deathscythe." He's doing it on purpose. He's playing to my vanity. I may be a Gundam pilot but I am the best hacker in this solar system and he knows it. I look at him. His face, his eyes give nothing away but there just something in his voice that just… I don't know. I can't place my finger on it.

I shrug. "Mission accepted."

"Good. We leave at 1400. I'll brief you on the way."

Bit shorter than others (sorry) been a bit busy with trying to survive the holiday season. If I'm completely honest (ramble time, feel free to ignore it) my mania has decided to fuck up my life in a completely different way than normal. So I'm trying (and failing) to deal with that. It has meant that every time I look at this fic it takes a completely different direction. What happened to all that love I wanted / needed? Maybe later. *Shrug* Maybe a review would be nice ;)