AN: Thanks for all the reviews and kind words, they were very much appreciated, I understand there may be some confusion in regards to the timeline and canon elements in my fic so I'll clear it up here:
PLEASE READ:
Everything happened up to and including 'Hand of God', then my fic comes into play, after the sim match in chapter 2-3, events carry on as canon in Colonial Day UNTIL the ballroom at which point my fic goes AU again, but the opening scene of Kobol's Last Gleaming still applies i.e. Kara still slept with Baltar, etc. So we are back to canon events. The next chapter takes place in SEASON 2, with one difference KARA DID NOT SLEEP WITH ANDERS. Everything else applies.
TracyJ - glad I'm not the only one, RL sucks sometimes. Sorry about the confusion between canon and my work. Thanks for the kick ass reviews on chapters 2 and 3, now that I've finally seen the entire second season I can read your fics! (When I'm not writing one of my 4 fics-I know I'm an idiot for starting 4, but live and learn)
Dgainey2003 – welcome to the party, thank you for the compliments, I hope you enjoy this chapter, let me know.
Nicquole: Well done for picking up on that! Cookies for you! Don't worry the answer will be revealed soon.
Shippychick and Starbuck042786: Thanks for the lovely reviews.
Here's chapter 4 as promised, no too long of a wait…only 5 days!
Chapter 4
Kara Thrace was no stranger to pain, her life had been filled with it, defined by it, but even a lifetime's familiarity didn't prepare her for the sheer magnitude of pain she felt in this single moment. It all flashed before her…
'Omnia illa et ante fiebant
Omnia illa et rursus fient
Ita dicimus omnes.'
'All of this has happened before
And all of this will happen again
So say we all.'
The first time she felt her mother's fist break her ribs, the taunts that haunted her through her life, her father's hands that shone like a beacon of light through the endless night of her childhood years, the doctor informing her she could never play professional pyramid, all her dreams shattered in an instant, the moment she got her acceptance letter to the academy and the freedom it represented. Her first sim flight, with Lee, and all the feelings that came with it, the moment they first met in the General's office, their training, brawls, tests, races, years of competition, yet her only competition was her truest companion. The pain she felt when she heard about his numerous indiscretions, her meeting and frakking a guy in a bar with deep brown eyes that was so different to the sapphire ones that haunted her yet familiar in a way that called to her. Waking up the next day and realising her indiscretion's last name was 'Adama', her dream and nightmare come true. She spent the night with Adama, her deepest desire since her first sim, only it was the wrong Adama…Kara Thrace fraks up again.
Falling for Zak, gods how she had fought it, in the end her stole her heart, Lee's face when he she told him, she had fallen in love…with his baby brother. For a fraction of a second she thought he would explode, but he had just smiled his smile and congratulated her, said his baby brother was the best, and the final piece of her heart broke, and she let go of Lee. Zak's face when she said 'yes', his dreams come true, Kara's oldest dream finally broken. Caroline Adama's maternal love, something she had never felt before, her acceptance into her family, all with a shadow in her eye, Zak oblivious to it all. Pleasure and pain she knew them both intimately but the latter was her constant companion, Caroline informing her of Atlantia's offer to Lee and his acceptance, the pain that inevitably followed.
Zak's flight, Zak's crash, Kara witnessing the ball of flame that took her lover from her, that moment forever burned in her soul, she should have known her pleasure is always followed by pain, it was the cycle of her life. Her guilt, her pain and Zak's death her ultimate punishment from the Gods, her future destroyed by her own hand. Her first meeting with William Adama, never had she dreamed it would be on the eve of his son's funeral, years of being Lee's best friend and 2 years with Zak, and her first conversation was about the death of his son. Her isolation at the funeral, her feeble attempts at maintaining military decorum, in the midst of one of her nightmares, witnessing Lee standing strong for Caroline, the only woman to have unconditionally loved her and she paid her back by killing her son. It was all Kara could do not to throw herself at their feet and beg forgiveness, to have Lee hold her, just when she thought she would break down and beg Apollo for his strength, Bill took her hand. Such a small gesture that meant so much, the gesture was so reminiscent of Lee that it nearly killed her.
Lee fight with his father after the funeral, where she witnessed the fury of Apollo, he was relentless in his assault, saw the weakness in his father, his pain at the loss of his child and he attacked mercilessly, for the first time Kara had truly been afraid of Apollo, so she stayed silent to avoid his fury, Caroline's plea's went unnoticed as Lee raged, his baby brother's death struck his very core. The last time she saw Lee before she left for the Galactica and the fight that ensued, gods that was one of her most painful memories, his fury for the first time truly focussed on her. As the spray from a bullet entering the ground clouded her vision her mind took her back to their fight on the Galactica, and he attacked her again, nobody knew her weak spots like Apollo, and nobody exploited them like Lee, she remembered it all, her fist punching him just before he struck her.
'Why did you do it Kara? Just tell me why?'
She could still hear the pain in his voice, she tried to avoid his eyes, but she had lost that battle years before and she recognised what she saw pain, anger, humiliation, disgust, hurt and all because of her. She had slept with Baltar, again. She even knew why Lee was angry at her indiscretion, she remembered the dance floor, they had an understanding and she had reneged on that, even though she had called out Lee's name in the midst of her passionate throes, twice now. He would never know that regardless of who she slept with it was always his face in her mind and his name on her lips. Kara's attention was brought back into the present as the fire fight was waged around her, the agony of her twin wounds on her stomach reminded her of where she was, she had front row seats to the Caprican resistance vs. the Cylons, she didn't who was winning, she didn't care not even when she realised a Cylon heavy raider had entered the fray, she fell back into her pain filled thoughts, Lee.
Lee…Lee…Lee
It always came back to Lee, he filled her thoughts, her life, the key moments in her adult all involved him somehow, their lives were entwined, and as she lay bleeding into the Caprican soil, she begged the Gods to take care of Lee, she hoped he'd forgive her, forgive himself, he wouldn't though. That she knew with all her heart, she ran away, that he could forgive, he was used to her running away, but her death, on Caprica, away from him and out of his control he could never ever forgive.
'Lords of Kobol hear my prayer…'
'…Captain…I'm really sorry'
Kara absentmindedly noticed that the raider was firing on the Cylons and that Helo and Anders were making their way over to her. As Kara realised that her wounds were relatively superficial and that mostly she was still suffering the after effects from surgery, blood loss and a deep cut in her hand from the shard she used to kill Simon, and that pain that she had been paralysed by, was actually mental, emotional anguish, so she forced herself to move, to get back to Lee, she needed to fix this. As she lay bleeding into the ground and she relived the best and worst moments of her life, nearly all of which involved Lee in some shape or form. She realised that her heart was taken; she had given it to her wingman, her soulmate 10 years before. As she was helped into the raider she was already mentally making the calculations to jump back to the Galactica, she needed to get away from this nightmare, to go home to Lee.
This is Starbuck, do you read?
Hello? Is anybody getting this? Hello?
'She was back', never before had Lee felt so elated and furious at the same time, she was back, but she had ran away. He wasn't unfamiliar with the latter, he didn't know anybody who sabotages themselves like Kara, he knew that she believed that she didn't deserve happiness, and as a result whenever her life was going well or she felt content undoubtedly she would do something to frak it up. Like Colonial Day, for the first time in years he thought they were both ready to take the next step, seeing her in that dress. Standing there on that dance floor, holding her in front of everybody with no recriminations, just Lee and Kara, that was until the cylons decided to gate crash the party and they were not so subtly reminded that the universe still needed Starbuck and Apollo. At least Apollo and Starbuck got to dance, their clash with the cylons was almost as good as sex, unfortunately after the flight he was detained by his father and Colonel Tigh where he had to explain his tactics and why he and Starbuck were so familiar with the new formation the cylon raiders had adopted. He didn't know who was more surprised his father or Tigh, when he told them that the cylons seemed to be using tactics and strategies that he and Kara had developed at War College and OCS. They could only assume that the Cylon's on Picon had found and used the information, the implications of that was not lost on any of them, so Lee briefly outlined his and Starbuck's work at college and OCS.
After the official debrief Lee ended up sparring with his father, which helped him work off the extra energy he had after the fight. So he didn't catch up with Kara till the morning after, where he realised that Kara was enduring a literal 'morning after' with Gaius Baltar of all people, 'the frakkin vice president!' He didn't know why he was so angry with Kara, they both used other people after a particularly hyped up flight, but this time it was different, he just couldn't place why, and that bugged him. The fight that followed was one of their worst in two years, he needed to make her feel as bad as he did, but she appeared nonchalant and unrepentant which only served to further enflame his fury, and he attacked her both verbally and physically, he hit her for the first time he struck her outside of sparring and boxing, or even joking around. He felt sick just thinking back on it, as bad as striking her was, that could be forgiven as she struck him first, his verbal assault was much worse, he used his knowledge of her and attacked her at most vulnerable points. He was ruthless in his jabs, and when she reminded him that she was a 'screw up' his heart broke, she was right. He of all people should know Kara's pattern. But in all the excitement that followed he didn't get the chance to apologise and the next thing he knew she had jumped to Caprica.
'I'm a screw up Lee, try to keep that in mind'
If Kara had thought that Lee was furious before, that was absolutely nothing compared to when he was told where she had gone. His office still showed signs of his outburst, for the first time since Kara had told him she had accepted a position on the Galactica, and after Zak's funeral, Lee was unable to hold his emotions in, his restraint wasn't that strong. She had left, but for the first time it was somewhere he couldn't follow, couldn't watch her back, she jumped into Cylon controlled territory alone for a relic. Oh he was way beyond fury and rage, his wrath knew no bounds. He was furious at the President for manipulating Kara, he angry at his father for his unwitting role, he was pissed at Kara for leaving but he knew he had pushed her away as well. It was only after the president had isolated Kara from his father and himself that Kara left, once she had lost the two strongest ties in her life she was easily manoeuvred into retrieving the 'Arrow of Apollo'.
And there she was, with the Astral Queen as her backdrop she had never looked so beautiful, Lee let his gaze roam from head to toe, searching for any obvious injuries, she had a slight limp, and her shoulders were slumped, but what worried him most was her eyes. She was exhausted, every pore in body emanated fatigue, she seemed bone weary as if she had to hell and back and had finally had enough. It was that slight tinge of defeat that made Lee bury the last remaining vestiges of his fury and he strode forward and grabbed Kara, holding her tight all the while thanking the lords for returning her to him, uncaring of the audience, he took the opportunity to kiss her, it wasn't long or deep or even very passionate but it was heartfelt and conveyed his relief at her return. Before he had chance to acknowledge the president greeting Kara his world was knocked from its axis again, he couldn't catalogue the number of emotions that travelled through him seeing the body of the woman who had attempted and very nearly succeeded at assassinating his father in front of him.
'That thing put two rounds into my father's chest!'
'You missed a few catastrophes while you were away…'
'It's good to have you back Kara, thanks for bringing in the trash.'
Lords, Lee's words were still ringing in her head. Adama was shot; the man she adored, worshipped, loved and revered had been shot! Whilst she was running around Caprica with rusty relic, her family were fighting for their lives, Adama at deaths door, Roslin incarcerated, Tigh in charge, Lee mutinied…twice! It was the last one that she still had trouble coming to terms with. Lee, he who used to be the rule book personified had held a gun to his superior officer's head, as well as orchestrating and abetting the president's escape from the Galactica. She was in shock. Her plan to return and apologise was not exactly going as she had planned…now she was sitting on Kobol, she still couldn't believe that, they found Kobol!
'You're gonna find Kobol. Birthplace of us all. Kobol will lead you to Earth.'
Leoben was right; his words still rang in her ears, over and over again, the truth of it resonating in her.
'I know you, you're damaged. You were born to a woman who believed that suffering was good for the soul, so you suffered. Your life is a testament to pain. Injuries. Accidents. Some inflicted upon you by others, some inflicted upon yourself. It surrounds you like a bubble. But it's not real. It's just something she put in your head. It's something you wanna believe because it means you're the problem, not the world you live in. You wanna believe it because it means you're bad luck. You're like a cancer that needs to be removed. Because you hear her voice every day. And you want her to be right.'
As she sat at their campsite gazing into the fire, Leoben's words ran through her mind, so did Simon's and the blonde cylon and Sharon's, on some endless loop.
'You're different Starbuck, you're special, Leoben told you that'
As Lee sat down next to her she couldn't help the shiver that ran down her spine. If she closed her eyes she could almost imagine they were on Picon, training, the rain was familiar too. She remembered them trying to sneak up on each other, or working together to finish a 'mission', Gods there were so many memories, she remembered when they had a group task and Lee had decided to hide the coffee, oh the pandemonium that ensues as cranky cadets and instructors alike had to survive the early start without their caffeine, she and Apollo had no such problems.
"What's on your mind?" Lee asked, as he saw that her face had gone from melancholy to having a slight smirk.
"Remember when you were pissed because everybody at college was ribbing you about the GB incident, so you decided to get them back by hiding the coffee when we were on that week long wilderness survival exercise, I can still remember instructor Thomas' shakes of withdrawl. Wonder what the old man would say if you tried that now?"
Lee laughed at the memory, glad that they could still reminisce together, "I think dad would court martial us both, family or not, nobody messes with his coffee."
"I know you're more like him than you realise…"
"What do you mean?" Lee asked as he realised she had stopped mid sentence.
"I've known your father for over 2 years and we've gotten close, I've never seen him lose it like that before. Lords the expression on his face as he was choking Sharon, I don't ever want to see him like that again. Even when he found out about my part in Zak's death or after the funeral when you attacked him, the closest I've seen anyone like that was…he reminded me of…" again Kara broke off the thought, unsure whether or not to continue, whether their friendship was strong enough to survive this conversation here and now.
Lee winced as Kara brought up bitter memories of his anger at his father, but he was curious about why Kara stopped again, Starbuck had never been afraid of saying anything to him before.
"Reminded you of..." Lee prompted.
Kara took a deep breath, "...of you, he reminded me of you. When we had that fight about my decision to join Galactica"
Lee's heart stopped. They never spoke about that night, ever. Not even in their silences, that argument, that fight everything to do with that night had been buried so deep by the both of them that it never happened. it was the only way either of them could go on. Except now she spoke of it, reopened the wound he made himself forget existed. Even now he could still feel the reverberations of that night in his soul, the night where they had come so close to breaking their friendship, breaking each other, that fight took 2 years of their lives to come back from, took two years to forget. "He-I scared you?" He didn't know if it was a question or a statement, it didn't matter he knew the answer.
"No-Yes" she didn't know how to answer, at Lee's raised eyebrow she added "it was unexpected" as she looked into Lee's eyes she felt compelled to reassure him "I'm not afraid of you" she grabbed his hand, to reinforce her point, this time she said it directly to him, so he had no doubt "I could never be afraid of you, it was just a surprise."
"A surprise, I nearly-"
"But you didn't, and I was no angel, remember." Kara reassured him; he squeezed back grateful for the contact.
For the first time in almost 3 years Lee began to heal, even if he had buried that fateful night, buried the wounds that they had inflicted upon each other, the scars were still present, but sitting next to Kara on Kobol, even in the midst of the war and their quest to find Earth, Lee breathed freely. Part of him was relieved he and Kara didn't get together on Colonial Day, they weren't ready, they still had old wounds that needed to heal, they needed to forgive each other and themselves before they were ready to move forward. Even though Kara had brought up that night, they still hadn't confronted it, he knew that conversation would not be easy, but it would have to happen, sooner or later that can of worms would have to be opened. He cursed the rain on Kobol, it reminded him of that night, and the world shattering argument that took place in the midst of the Picon summer monsoons, on Atlantia, Galactica and in space he could forget, unfortunately on Kobol the memory surrounded him like the rainfall that was never ending. He smiled a bittersweet smile as he heard Kara mutter, it seemed as if she was trapped in the same memory as him. "frakkin rain"
'Frakking rain indeed.'
Well?
What did you think? I know it's not as fluffy as previous
chapters, but it was neccessary. Let me know of any thoughts or
queries, R & R.
Thanks
Inara. xxx
