I do not own 'Heroes' or anything related.
Commentator: Welcome back my normal and hero wannabe friends to the fourth instalment in 'Heroes Abridged (With Commentary)!' Before we begin let's look through some of the reviews you've sent us. Professor! Open the shoot!
(The Professor does so, and out comes three envelopes)
Commentator: Right then! Our first review is from Kurisita1:
Yep, I make the obscure references just so you can make obscure religious jokes.
P.S.-Jess is a role Milo played before Peter. This is why I can't watch Heroes. _ I just think of Jess.
Commentator: Oh. That's what she meant. (Goes red) Um, whoops.
Professor: It was an honest mistake, Sir. Anyone not familiar with Gilmore Girls would think that 'Jess' refers to 'Jesus' given the similarities and how we referenced religion and how some people believe that fundamentalists are the true Christians. There's no need to feel embarrassed.
Commentator: Embarrassed? Who said I'm embarrassed? I'm not embarrassed! The only one here who should feel embarrassed is Anonymius for completely misunderstanding what Kurisita1 said, then using me as a mouth piece to ramble on about his anti-fundamentalist, liberal views for five hundred words!
Professor: Well at least he's got his views out and has spoken out against fundamentalism and tried to convince people that they don't hold the keys to Heaven.
Commentator: I guess. Anyhoo, on to the next review:
X-files and Lost references! Awesome! Love culturally/geographically clueless Peter; he's hilarious.
Commentator: 'X-Files' references?
Professor: You know. All those comparisons of characters with Dana Scully and the inclusion of the Scully-Syndrome-Inducing Hero.
Commentator: AHEM.
Professor: (Sigh), the Scully-Syndrome-Inducing MUTANT.
Commentator: Oh right, those! And the Lost references?
Professor: The button on the island saving the world?
Commentator: Oh yes now I remember! Yes they were pretty funny, especially the Scully jokes. Okay then and our final review is from- Hey it's from another veteran reviewer from one of our other projects, Haruko Kurismasu!
Professor: Haruko Kurimasu, a fan of the Naruto Commentary?
Commentator: The very same! Let's see what Kurimasu has to say about this one:
I don't think I've commented on your Heroes Abridged yet, but I'm loving it! Actually, I'm currently watching Heroes Season 1 for the first time, and following your abridged series-
Clock: TING!
Commentator: What the-? We're out of time already? Fine then, I'll just conclude by answering your questions, Kurimasu. Niki and Micah shall appear in this one, Bennet's name is Noah, and yes we were referring to Buffy and Claire. Now without further ado, here's 'Better to Hide'!
Meanwhile in New York, Mohinder departs for Madras.
Mohinder: You know; it's not called 'Madras' anymore. It hasn't been for ten years.
Writer: Ha, yeah right! I think we know what we're talking about. Next you're going to tell us that Minsk isn't in Russia or 'England' doesn't refer to the whole island!
Meanwhile in Las Vegas, Niki Sanders, a mutant with multiple personality disorder, confronts her alter ego.
Niki: What do you want?
Jessica: To do what you won't. To say what you can't.
Niki: Gasp! D.L.'s crew! You killed them!
Jessica: WE killed them!
And so Niki attempts to dispose of the money that Jessica stole, only to be caught by D.L. Ironically if she had just left the money alone D.L. would have never caught her and accuse her of framing him despite her talking about her blackouts earlier.
D.L.: Niki…
Niki: D.L., it's not how it looks!
D.L.: You killed my crew!
Niki: I didn't, Jessica did!
D.L.: You framed me.
Niki: Remember when I was telling you earlier about the blackouts and everyone ending up dead?
D.L.: Nope. And stop blaming it all on your imaginary friend! I'm taking Micah away instead of turning you in!
Jessica: HAHAHAHA! The HUSBAND leaving with the child? That's hilarious.
WHACK
Commentator: Finally! A super powered battle! What? For a show based on people with super powers, there's been surprisingly few fight scenes!
And so D.L. defeats Jessica with his phase shifting powers, and drives away with their son Micah.
Micah: Dad, why have we left the house and Mom?
D.L.: No time to explain!
Micah: You know, if you just tell me, then I can confirm Mom's multiple personality disorder that will make you realise she's not to blame and stop this unnecessary running away-
D.L.: NO TIME!
Meanwhile in New York, Peter sees Simone about a painting Isaac painted that he believes is the key to saving the enigmatic cheerleader.
Simone: If you tell me that you need the painting to save the world, then I'll believe you.
Peter: I need it to save the world.
Simone: I believe you.
Peter: Finally! Someone who doesn't get all sceptical talking to me!
Commentator: Let me get this straight, you don't believe your ex-boyfriend that he can paint the future, but you believe this guy that the painting beholds the future? Huh???????
Simone: Well my ex-boyfriend is a junkie. Also my father told me that Peter will save the world.
Commentator: So what, you don't believe that people can paint the future, but you do believe in dying messages of the future?
Meanwhile in Los Angeles, Matt Parkman works with Special Agent Hanson to capture Sylar.
Audrey: I have a lead! There was this doctor who was apparently killed by his patient's husband, Ted Sprague, like he was caught in a nuclear explosion yet the house's fine. There's not doubt that this guy's Sylar!
Matt: No doubt? Audrey, the killing doesn't match Sylar's style at all!
Audrey: Matt, if you haven't realised it yet, I suspect people on the flimsiest of evidence and suspicions, like all good cops and cop-like people do. You should know that!
Matt: But wouldn't the FBI be more efficient if they put more brain in their operation?
Meanwhile in New York, Peter goes to see Nathan if he can get back the painting Simone sold to Linderman, only to find that he had been excluded from a (supposedly) traditional family brunch.
Nathan: Sorry Pete, but I felt you would be bad for my image even though as far as the public knows you've done nothing wrong.
Peter: How do you think you cutting me out of your life will look like to the public? And to this journalist for dismissing me?
Nathan: -That I'm-errrrr-such a nice guy?
Peter: HAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA! On a different topic, how about asking Linderman to get this painting for me?
Nathan: Sorry Pete. Can't help you. Too busy impressing this journalist with a fake family brunch.
Peter: Okay then. If you don't help me out, then I'll reveal to him that I can fly.
Nathan: -You wouldn't dare?
Peter: Try me, big boy.
Dennison: So Mr Petrelli, what do you say about comments about you that you are 'a machiavellian asshole who would so easily sacrifice any member of his family for a 0% increase in the polls, and that you shouldn't be allowed anywhere near a position of power any more than Hitler should have been elected Chancellor in 1933'?
Nathan: I say that what this country needs is more machiavellian assholes who bring more harm to it than good.
Dennison: Riiiiiiiiiight. I'm sure our readers would love to read that.
Peter: Do you know what's great about my brother? He's such a caring brother, who always makes time for his family. He's such a forgiving, understanding man when any of us do wrong, who would never make us doubt our sanity or lie about us to the public or try to cut us out of his public life and he's always willing to help us out when we have a problem!
Dennison: (Writing) Uncaring…never makes time….unforgiving or non-understanding…malicious…liar…ruthless…never willing to help anyone out-
Nathan: That's not what he said at all!
Dennison: Sorry, I was only going by his implications, that's all.
Nathan: Look, I'm perfect for Congress-
Dennison: Really? You think an adulterer is suitable to be a congressman?
Nathan: A what now?
Dennison: It's just that you were seen with a blond woman in Vegas. And I'm wondering how could you possibly remain faithful to your district if you can't even remain faithful to your wife?
Peter: Oh I'll answer that, Mr Dennison. He wasn't having an affair. The blond woman was a doctor he was seeing to get me help. For trying to commit suicide and all.
Commentator: Okay hold it, time out, stop everything. This has been bugging me since the second episode.
Professor: What is?
Commentator: Is it my imagination or does this series portray suicide like some kind of mental illness?
Professor: Well obviously the writers feel that those who take their own lives are not right in the head.
Commentator: People don't commit suicide because they're mentally ill! They commit it because they're utterly depressed and can't see a way out of their depression! Well most of the time, anyway.
Professor: I believe that many people see suicide as an act that goes against human nature, you know, like murder.
Commentator: Oh for goodness sake I get so fed up of people who treat suicide like it was murder or rape!
Professor: Well, you know, it's similar to murder.
Commentator: No it isn't! Murder is inflicting it upon others. Suicide is inflicting it upon yourself! Big difference!
Professor: Well I guess the main reason why people see it as an atrocious sin is because it says so in the Bible.
Commentator: (Crosses arms) Whereabouts in the Bible?
Professor: Well, er, doesn't St Paul forbid people from killing themselves?
Commentator: Any parent will tell you not to commit suicide; it doesn't mean that they'll treat them like a murderer or rapist! And besides, a few people in the Bible commit suicide, yet they weren't treated like they committed an atrocious sin! Even Judas Iscariot's suicide was portrayed as an attempt of redemption! I'm not saying that suicide should be committed; I'm saying that the attitude towards those who do it is wrong! People who commit or try to commit suicide should be felt sorry for and be sympathised- not condemned like they just committed an atrocious sin like murder or rape! I mean honestly, what right does anyone who never experienced the state of mind that the suicide experienced have to pass judgement on them?
Professor: Sir, you just questioned the foundation of the justice system in many countries.
Commentator: What about 'being judged by your peers'?
Professor: Sir, we both know well that never happens.
Commentator: You know I'd like to say something to those who say that suicide is forbidden in the Bible. Here's another passage from the Bible: "Don't judge others, or God will judge you"!
Peter: So, want to tell me about this blond you met?
Nathan: Not really, but I'll confide in you anyway. I just wanted a break from a woman who has done nothing to me and even though a cripple is still good in bed.
Peter: Okay seriously, belittling Mum for shoplifting is one thing, bullying me is another, but cheating on your wife for no good reason? Dude, what's the matter with you?
Nathan: I don't know! I'm just how the writers write me! Also after my one nightstand, two guys tried to kidnap me.
Peter: A mysterious organisation tried to kidnap you. Right.
Nathan: Why are you being so suddenly sceptical?
Peter: Everyone I've been talking to has been doing it to me. I thought I should start doing it back.
Nathan: Look, despite all my misgivings, I believe that real good can be done with power. I mean surely logically the more power you have, the more good you can do?
Commentator: Even though your reasoning is perfectly plausible, because the moral of this series is that those who try to gain power in order to save the world only end up making it worse, your aspirations are going to lead to naught.
Peter: Yeah and besides Nathan, of all the political positions available you think the most good can be achieved by being a congressman? Dude, all they do is make and amend laws, and you'll be like one voice among thousands.
Nathan: Yeah well it's better than pulling on tights and using my ability to help the world, where all it's useful is saving cats.
Peter: Not to mention save people falling off of buildings, saving people from burning buildings, stopping muggers by lifting them into the sky then dropping them to the right authority-
Nathan: You've put a lot of thought into this, haven't you?
(A dazzling image of Nathan in a mask and wearing white and red spandex with wings attached to his arms appears)
Flying man. Flying Man. Does whatever a pigeon can. He can soar, from a roof. No time to talk, cos he's aloof. Look up! There flies the flying man!
Nathan: I hate you.
Can Peter save the cheerleader and save the world? Can Matt and Audrey catch Sylar before it's too late? Will Nathan realise that using politics to help the world does not work in this show? Tune in next time on 'Heroes Abridged (With Commentary)'!
Flying man. Flying Man,
Does whatever a pigeon can,
He can soar, from a roof,
No time to talk, cos he's aloof,
Look up! There goes the flying man!
Is he fast? Listen, bud,
He's got illogical mutant blood!
Does he zoom, through the air?
Take a look, over there,
Hey yeah!
There goes the flying man!
In the heat of day,
At the scene of distress,
He will come and say,
He will clean up the mess,
Flying Man. Flying Man,
Machiavellian Flying Man,
Wealth and Fame, he's ignored,
Action is his reward,
HAHA!
Wherever there's a hold up,
Whenever there's a cat stuck,
You'll see the Flying Man!
