I burst through the front doors. My vision was blurred; I felt a drop of water fall onto my collarbone, it was only then I realized I was crying.

"Andie?" whispered Soda in a barely audible voice. "What are you doing here?"

By that time I felt multiple pairs of eyes on me.

"I heard. Tim told me. I just, I just . . . I just had to hear it from you all. Is it true? Are Dally and Johnny dead?"

I didn't want to hear the answer. I didn't hear the answer. I only say Darry's lips moving, saying yes. I fell to me knees and began sobbing and shaking uncontrollably.

It is one thing to not be around your friends, or should I say family, when you know that they are okay and living, but it's another thing to not be around when they need you most. Knowing that you didn't say good-bye and that you weren't next to them when they passed; it's a terrible feeling. You're in an emotional limbo of guilt and regret. You don't feel anymore. You just move through life performing the actions, but not acknowledging what you're doing.

That was me for the next month. I was a living zombie; walking with no destination, living with no purpose, thinking of everything while thinking of nothing at all.

"Andie?" I heard voice break into my stream of consciousness.

"Yeah?" I answered automatically. I was staring blankly into my locker.

"You can't keep going through life like this. Dally and Johnny were my friends too. They wouldn't want you to keep doing this to yourself, especially Johnny."

I finally looked up and realized it was Ponyboy. I studied him for a bit and realized the bags under his eyes; it looks like he was near exhaustion. However, what he said was perhaps the smartest thing I ever heard him say, and Ponyboy says a lot of smart things. He lost a friend too; he lost his best friend.

"I know, Pony, but I ," I paused for a second. "But I never got to say good-bye. I ditched you guys. I ditched you all for Tim Shepard and when Dally and Johnny needed me the most I didn't show up. What kind of friend is that? What kind of person does that? I deserve to live with this guilt. I was a horrible human, Pony. They didn't deserve to be treated like that. I should have done something!"

"Andie, it wasn't your fault they died. I know you feel guilt – I would too, but you can't just keep living the way you currently are. You're slipping into oblivion. All you do is go from school to Buck's to our house. You've barely eaten anything. You never talk to anyone anymore, not even to Sodapop. He's worried about you Andie. We all are. Please, try to start moving on; we are all trying."

"When'd you get so smart, Ponyboy? I'll try to be better, but I can't promise that. Hell, I don't know if I'll ever be back to the way I was. Stuff like that changes you," I told him. "But I'll try. I promise."

It took another couple weeks before I was able to fully converse with everyone in the gang, on a regular basis again, but eventually I was able to. Yet, the gang felt empty; something was missing and indeed there was something gone. Johnny and Dally will never be replaced and will never come back, but they'll never be forgotten; I've realized that. I've also come to realize that they forgave me and they loved me. It doesn't mean that I don't regret my actions every day, but I have realized that family is more important than anything else. The gang is my family and we have to cheri