"I didn't know you had a brother!" Daisy squeals, like it's the kind of news she's just been waiting her whole life to hear. Brian Topp has a brother! Thank God for that. Tim would hate to imagine that stellar bloodline dying out. Without the Topp family, how many dogs would be forced to live their entire lives without ever wearing a Jacobian ruff? Oh, the humanity.

"Is he an artist, as well?" Daisy asks as she perches herself on the couch. She seems to expect the tale of Brian's brother to be a real nail biter. Daisy always thinks people are going to be terribly interesting, but she's usually bored in the end. Tim has pointed it out but, as with every other pattern in her life (like sabotaging every career opportunity and only dating total knobs) Daisy refuses to acknowledge it.

"He's..." Brian's nose twitches when he thinks, like a nervous bunny, "an artist. He creates pieces that change the world."

"How?" Tim asks, because he can't not ask, "Please give me one example of how your brother has changed the world with his 'pieces'?"

Daisy is glaring at him, looking disturbingly like Tim's mother, but Tim can't help himself. Brian is a pompous ass, and his 'art' is shit, but he's a gentle soul. It bothers Tim that Brian always seems to think other people's rubbish excuse for art is better than Brian's rubbish excuse for art.

"Julian once created a mural of erotic elephant art..."

Tim tries to catch Daisy's eye, but she is refusing to look at him. Most of the time, Daisy is a good mate, but she occasionally turns into a schoolmarm (or a prissy head girl).

"Erotic elephant art," Tim repeats, almost hoping that hearing it out loud will cause Brian to realize how fucking stupid it sounds.

"Yes," Brian says, his tone wistful, "It was beautiful. So big and gray and so very explicit. It was..."

"Gross?" Tim offers. Miss Steiner glares. If Tim doesn't behave, he'll be held after class to write lines.

"Brilliant."

"And did it raise awareness of the plight of that noble beast?" Daisy asks, her eyes shining with excitement. "Did the artwork of the streets move people to get off their lazy arses and take a stand? Or did a philanthropist see it and recognize how callous he'd been with his fortune and..."

"I can tell you now that none of that happened," Tim says, knowing he'll be in detention for sure. Daisy is wearing her 'disappointed' face. It is the look she gives him when he lets her down by stomping on her half-assed idealism, failing to do the shopping (even if it's her turn), or rolling a joint too loose so it burns unevenly.

"It caused... car accidents," Brian continues, looking lost in his memories. "So many car accidents. No fatalities, just twisted metal... screaming... fear... disgust."

"And how did that change the world, exactly?" Tim asks, because he still simply can't not ask.

"They made murals of erotic elephant art illegal in four towns that year," Brian explains with more than a hint of pride.

Even Daisy can't work up enthusiasm for that rubbish.

"How did that change the world?" Tim demands, "That just forced some towns to create ridiculous laws. That sounds more like a waste of time than any kind of accomplishment."

"He changed how people see elephants. He showed they could be vibrant, sexual animals, full of erotic potential. And a significant traffic hazard."

xxx

The night before Brian's brother is set to arrive, the house is abuzz. Literally. Brian keeps blasting some terrifying techno music as he works on his new chainsaw painting technique. He simply dips a running chainsaw in paint and enjoys the chaos, but he is calling it art and Tim isn't arguing. The poor guy is nervous enough.

It isn't the noise, but the sudden quiet that wakes Tim in the middle of the night. He's trying to get back to sleep, and back to his unnerving but surprisingly hot dream about planting cucumbers with Marsha when someone comes pounding on the door.

Before he's fully awake, he yells, "It wasn't me!" He isn't sure why.

Daisy beats him to the door. Tim is still a little surprised by how haggard his flat mate manages to look in the middle of the night. Her hair is standing up in every direction and her face looks all smooshed. Every night, Daisy manages to look like she's been living in a cave with a minimum of twenty cats, for a minimum of twenty years.

Daisy smacks him when he instinctively pulls back in fear. Tim is not terribly surprised to see Brian on the other side of the door, and is downright impressed when Brian has no response to Daisy's terrifying appearance.

"Hello, Daisy. Hello, Tim," Brian greets them stiffly. "Did I wake you?"

Tim is confident Brian doesn't give a shit about their sleeping habits, given that he's been 'painting' with a chainsaw in the wee hours of the night.

"What do you want?" Tim asks brusquely, earning another smack from Daisy.

She then turns to Brian and asks, "What can we do for you, Brian?"

Brian fidgets like a child until Daisy yells, "What do you want?"

"Julian is going to steal Twist. He's going to take her just like he takes everyone and everything that means anything to me. He's going to steal her and even our parents will say she made a good choice to leave me, because Julian is better at everything. I spent my whole childhood just trying to get one drawing on the refrigerator, but they told me it wasn't fair for them to remove a superior piece when there was limited space..."

Tim settles on the sofa and prepares for a long evening. Daisy won't allow him to go to sleep, so there is no point going to his room.

"Brian, you silly boy!" Daisy sighs dramatically, "Silly, silly boy. Twist isn't some flighty thing that's going to latch on to another man just because he's more successful..."

Tim smirks as he watches Daisy realize that Twist would definitely leave Brian for a more successful version. Twist is a sweet girl in her way, but her parents should have been put in the stocks by the time she was twelve for creating such a monster. She has yet to accept that she is no one's little princess anymore. She is just a pretty girl working in a dry cleaning shop. Tim doesn't understand Twist's relationship with Brian anymore than he understood her friendship with Daisy. Daisy and Brian may be the only people alive who think there was more to Twist than meets the eye. It makes sense that Twist gloms onto Daisy and Brian, Tim just isn't sure why the two of them never even try to run away.

Brian and Daisy exchange sorrowful looks before turning to Tim.

"Let him take her. It'll be perfect revenge for your messed up childhood," he suggests, braced for a physical assault from Daisy. Instead of flying fists, he just gets a frown. He would have preferred a hit.

"Just don't introduce them," Tim offers, oddly compelled to get back into Miss Steiner's good graces. "Or tell him you're dating Daisy and let him spend his trip trying to steal her away from you."

Brian looks hopeful for a moment, but then his shoulders sag.

"It will never work. He's seen my drawings of Twist. He'll take one look at Daisy..."

Tim does not point out that no one would ever recognize anyone from any of Brian's drawings. He doesn't need to, because Brian suddenly brightens up.

"Daisy!" Brian cries, grabbing her by the shoulders. "You are the answer! You can distract Julian. You can seduce him with your feminine wiles. Trap him in a web of your womanly... woman-ness."

Daisy scratches her crazy cat-lady hair as she thinks it over.

"I dunno, Brian. Me? Seducing your artist brother? What would we talk about? I mean, I'm an artist, obviously, being a writer. The English language is my medium, the human condition is my canvas..."

"So, Daisy will shag your dickhead brother," Tim announces as he stands up, "Problem solved! Good night."

He hears Daisy protest that she said nothing about sleeping with Brian's brother. He also hears her asking if Brian has a recent picture.

xxx

Daisy wants to look sexy and glamorous, so that she can outshine Twist. Naturally, because Daisy is completely mental, she asks Twist for help. Fortunately, Brian is actually taking a stand. He's certain he knows his brother's type and will not allow Twist to turn Daisy into Bette Davis in "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?" He insists on a 'less is more' approach that is far from Twist's wheelhouse. Brian eventually takes over the makeup, himself. Daisy whines at first that he's going to poke her eyes out, but as he transforms her into a impressionist painting of herself, they all fall silent. Brian essentially redraws Daisy's face, eliminating small scars from where she picked at her acne as a teen and highlighting a nearly invisible scar she received from head-butting a football hooligan.

It's clear that Brian isn't going so much for idealized beauty as for an interesting face.

An inspiring face.

Daisy is clearly disappointed by the results, "I just look like me."

Brian tries to make wardrobe suggestions but Daisy and Twist's eyes glaze over at his flowery language and references to obscure artists. Tim had endured enough 'art appreciation' to translate.

"He's an ass man."

Brian looks unhappy with the blunt terminology, but nods his agreement.

"That'll be no problem for you!" Twist squeals, patting Daisy on the rear. Daisy smiles and then frowns before following Twist into her bedroom to find some white slacks.

Once the door is closed, Tim asks Brian why he is worried Julian will pursue Twist if he likes natural girls who don't apply their make-up with a trowel.

Brian doesn't seem to register the insult to Twist. He looks off in the distance, sadly, and says, "Because she likes me."

xxx

Julian is tall and handsome, with a deep and chocolaty voice.

He also has a Van Dyke, a jaunty scarf and a tribal tattoo. He looks like a spokesmodel for TopPrick. He oozes pretension and Tim hates him immediately while Daisy, Twist and Marsha are all immediately smitten. Even Mike giggles like a school girl when Julian comments on his, "uniquely expressive face" and says he wants to "mould" him. Tim isn't sure if Julian means to make a statue of Mike or literally mould Mike into another shape. Both ideas are creepy.

Tim had taken a stab at Twist's make-up, since she claimed she wanted to "tone down" her "natural magnetism". Tim knows his way around a make-up palette (and not just because of comic book conventions) and he thought he did a damn good job of making Twist look homely. He gave her dark circles under her eyes and crow's feet, thinned out her lips, gave her a grayish pallor and drew on just a hint of a double chin. Brian thought it was great. Twist punched Tim in the gut.

Apparently, Twist's idea of 'toning down' her looks simply involves wearing a pair of obviously fake glasses. Generally a fan of the hot girl dressed as smart girl style, Tim thinks Twist looks like a Julian. (Julian is Tim's new word for wanker). It takes her less than a minute to take off her glasses in Julian's presence.

"So, Julian," Daisy says, giggling for literally no reason, "Brian says you paint murals."

Julian gives a warm chuckle, running a hand through his artfully mussed curls.

"I don't think of what I do as... painting," Julian explains. "The art is there, I simply... reveal it."

"So there were elephants screwing on a brick wall and you just... revealed them?" Tim asks. It's a perfectly reasonable question, but everyone glares at him. Everyone but Julian, who gives him a hearty laugh and hugs Tim for far too long.

xxx

Brian's plan works like a dream. Julian takes to Daisy like an obnoxious prick to a soy latte. He draws Daisy's face - he reveals the inner Daisy on every available surface. Daisy laughs at Julian's jokes until she snorts and shoots soda through her nose. Three days feel like three months as the Topp bothers outdo each other in speaking utter bollocks day and night. Tim does get some insight into the household where Julian was encouraged in his art while Brian was encouraged to focus on his maths and penmanship. Tim sees no difference between their levels of talent, but it is clear that Julian is better suited to the life of an artist. He wears his arrogance well, like a neckerchief.

Sometimes, Brian visibly wilts in Julian's presence. Tim can see him shrink into himself as Julian discusses his various showings and travels. While Twist takes every opportunity to try and build herself up, Daisy makes a point of celebrating Brian. Tim knows damn well that Daisy doesn't understand what Brian calls art, but she enthusiastically repeats Brian's rhetoric. Whatever bollocks come out of Daisy's mouth, Julian eats it up like it's gospel, seeming to look at his brother with a new respect. Apparently, Brian is working on "re-positioning the axis of reality" and his big brother is impressed.

With all of Julian's panting attentions to Daisy, Tim is confused to find him leaving Marsha's apartment in the middle of the night and reeking of duty-free.

"Whoa! What? Why? I thought you and Daisy... Isn't she your muse?"

Julian looks vaguely embarrassed.

"Well, Marsha and I were talking about Brian and..."

"You wanted at least one chance to show him up this weekend?"

Julian frowns, but then shrugs.

"Old habits die hard," Julian says with a laugh. "I'm happy for Brian. Twist seems..."

Tim refuses to help Julian think of a kind word for Twist. He still wants to know why Julian is hooking up with Marsha when he's supposed to be infatuated with Daisy.

"Harmless," is the word Julian settles on.

"I thought you fancied Daisy." It comes out as a statement, but Tim is pretty sure the question is implied.

Julian closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, like he's breathing in a beautiful bouquet. "Daisy is marvelous. She's so... alive and raw. And she has an amazing arse."

Tim tries to delete the last comment from his mind. Part of being friends with a girl is failing to notice her arse, even if she spends days wearing nothing but white bottoms.

"So, why Marsha?"

Julian gives Tim a serene smile, "My days of poaching are over, Tim. I'm a reformed man. I met with a yogi whilst..."

"I'm talking about Daisy, not Twist," Tim reminds him.

"But Daisy's no more available than Twist, now is she?"

Julian says it with a cryptic smile, and then gives Tim another creepy hug. Tim's pretty sure he hears Julian whisper, "Feel the love."

xxx

Daisy is staring at a sketch of herself, one of many left in Julian's wake.

"Is my face really that puffy?" Daisy asks for the thirtieth time.

"Yes."

"He could have been a little more flattering."

"Julian doesn't draw you, he reveals you on scraps of paper," Tim reminds her, not for the first time, but it still makes him giggle.

"It's a bit weird he never made a move," Daisy observes as she rips open a bag of crisps and shoves a handful in her mouth.

"No it isn't. Just because a guy is interested in a woman doesn't mean he has to make a move. People can be friends!" Tim can hear his voice getting higher and squeakier, but he can't stop. "Just because a girl is beautiful and charming and exciting doesn't mean a guy has to make a move on her."

"Did he call me beautiful, charming and exciting?" Daisy asked around a mouthful of crisps.

"I don't know," Tim snapped. "What am I? His biographer?"