Thank you to everyone who's still reading, and an extra special thanks to ALIMOO1971 and Diannaii for taking the time to review.
Chapter Three
"You look terrible." Nikki observed as Kate reentered the room just after twelve. She hadn't slept much the previous night, stuck on thoughts about Mike and wondering what he would do when he got her message. And so she lay there, staring wide-eyed at her phone, torn between wanting to turn it on and wanting to fling it from a skyscraper. She'd been falling asleep all morning, eyes glazed, until Nikki had basically pushed her onto the spare bed and told her to sleep, or else.
"I slept a little." Kate assured her, lying through her teeth. She was tired, yes. Her body exhausted and screaming for rest. But her mind was racing, ticking with all the things she should have thought about.
She'd bought the tickets with her credit card, and while they hadn't gotten around to joint bank accounts (thank you very much, Mike), she was a notorious password forgetter. And so if Mike figured out which cookbook she'd scribbled her password into (and he knew it was a cookbook, stupid stupid stupid)... well, it wasn't too difficult to figure out who she was staying with in Sydney, given she only knew one person.
She had thought about taking the kids somewhere else, had spent an hour scribbling down possibilities onto a page of Belle's colouring book. She'd gotten so far as to begin investigating whether or not she needed Mike's permission to get the kids passports (they were half British, anyway) when she stopped to consider when this break from Mike had become a full-fledged dash out of the country to avoid ever seeing him again.
"You've got bags under your eyes." Nikki commented, taking a step closer to turn Kate's head this way and that. Max, Scott and Hunter were pushing a car each around the table as they picked at vegemite sandwiches while Pippa sat down on the bench and began to flick through some tween magazine, eating leftover pasta from the previous night.
"Gee, thanks, Nikk." Kate replied, blinking her bloodshot eyes and forcing a smile. "You look like you've just stepped off the runway, as always."
Nikki laughed, her head tipped back. "After three kids, maybe not. Whaddya want for lunch?"
Kate shook her head. "I'm not really hungry, thanks Nikk."
Nikki pursed her lips, and Kate wonders how long it will take before Annabel is sent in to see her with a sandwich or a fruit salad. It wasn't that she was not eating to punish herself. It was just that the thought of food, any food, made her feel sick to the stomach, and the toast that Belle balanced carefully into the spare bedroom every morning was usually all she could handle.
"Well, you're going to have to eat something! We're going to the pools." Nikki announced. "We're having an early lunch. So did you want to grab something?"
"Nikki, I can't eat now. I'm sorry."
Nikki nodded tersely, turning her attention back to the bag she was packing full of towels and goggles. "Your kids bought swimmers, didn't they?"
"Yeah, the swimmers are in my suitcase somewhere." Kate nodded. "I'll have to borrow a couple of towels though."
"That's all good." Nikki stops in her tracks. "Well, if you're not eating, you can go and put your swimmers on. This might be the only chance I'll get to see Kate Flynn in a two-piece swimsuit." Kate flinched hard at the name. McGregor. Flynn. It was all so complicated now. Nikki didn't seem to notice the reaction her words got though.
There was no way she could wear this out, Kate reflected, turning this way and that to examine her bruises in the mirror. The only swimsuit she had packed was a two-piece, and there was no way she could show her face in it. Kate twisted again a little too quickly and let out a hiss of pain as her ribs pulled. The cut had healed, now just a scabbed-over scrape reducing in size each day. And the bruising was definitely going down, the blemishes having faded from the deep black they were to various shades of yellow and green, with hints of purple.
"Where's your cozzie?" Nikki exclaimed as Kate joined them again in the kitchen ten minutes later, back in her denim shorts and t-shirt while the five kids raced around to try and find their own swimming costumes.
Kate forced a shrug. "I mustn't have packed them. Belle, did you want to grab your cozzie out of my bag while I take Scott to the toilet?"
Mike came and went, the years ticked on until all of a sudden her baby daughter was three, and she was reluctantly enrolling Belle in preschool. She hadn't wanted to at all, still couldn't bear to be away from her daughter for too long, and after she had first dropped Belle on her first day at daycare, she had cried for hours.
She'd gone back to work at NAVCOM, mostly because she couldn't stand the silence at home, and was getting way too familiar with the Coronation Street characters for her liking. But where once tide charts and weather reports had been things she'd loved to learn more about, now instead all she worried about Annabel. She was distracted more than ever now, her brain only clear when she was with her child.
Belle only went to child care three days, and it was during one long Wednesday that Kate realised in a couple of years' time, Belle would be at school five days a week. And it was then that she knew she wanted to have another baby.
She mulled over her options, before deciding to just stop taking the pill without telling Mike. She'd thrown them out when he went away for patrol, hidden them under potato peels and banana peel. But the weeks leading up to Mike's return had been wrought with guilt and fear. So it was with a fierce determination that she called up Grace, Mike's mother's, and took up her on her offer to babysit.
She'd cooked him a meal, made an effort to talk to him. They'd both gotten into a few glasses of wine when she told him she wanted another baby.
It was so strange, she had thought, that they could fight for days over whose turn it is to take out the garbage but they could have a responsible conversation about having another child. Calmy, Kate had listed her reasons. (Yes, I know Ryan is her brother, but don't you remember all the good times you had with your sister? / I think it would bring us together again / You never got the chance to be a part of Ryan's childhood. Don't you want to do all those father-son things?)
And it was completely bizarre that he agreed. Things looked up after that talk, after their first honest conversation in years. (And if she was being honest with herself, the sex was the best they had had in years)
It was another two months until Kate confirmed her pregnancy with the doctor and they made a real effort, the disagreements seemed to fade. Mike had taken leave for the last month of the pregnancy, vowing he would be there this time for the birth of their child. And so they worked through their issues. They talked about the things that were worrying or upsetting them. They took Annabel to school together each morning, hand in hand, and every night she would drift off with his hand around her, and fall a little more in love with him.
Scott's birth was a little less dramatic than his older sister's, even arriving on his due date much to Mike's amusement. He was there for Scott's birth, and proudly cut the cord. He'd brought Annabel in to see her baby brother, and had asked a nurse to take their first family photo.
It had hung proudly in Kate's office, who was determined to make things work with her husband. And it did, for a while at least.
"Mummy! Mummy! Watch me!" Belle gabbled, waving one hand over her head to get Kate's attention. Kate waved back in acknowledgement from the shallows and watched as Belle jumped into the deep end of the pool, emerging a moment later with hair plastered to her forehead and a triumphant grin on her face.
Kate turned her attention back to Scott, who was splashing around in the shallow toddler pool next to her, a look of pure excitement on his face as he slapped an open palm against the surface of the water, giggling madly as the water splashed back at him and Kate.
"Scotty, you splashed me!" Kate laughed, flicking a bit of water back at him. He giggled madly as Nikki emerge from the change rooms, a sarong wrapped around her and her hair in a knot at the top of her head.
"Hey, these are yours, right?" Nikki frowned, passing a shopping bag to Kate. She looked inside, a lump in her throat. "Belle said she found them in the bag. You must have missed them."
She hadn't gone back to work after Scott was born. She couldn't bear it. She lived for each smile, each laugh, each hug. They kept her going, driving her through the stress of the day. It was hard enough for her when Annabel started school, when Scott was only a baby and the house was either silent or screaming. She missed Belle like crazy, with all her mad rambling stories and funny insights into life. But she got through it. She'd sing and dance and talk and spin and the hours would tick by. And then suddenly, she didn't enjoy adult company as much. She neglected her old crewmates, forgetting to text them back or blowing off lunchdates with friends.
She'd walk the ten minute walk with Scott up to Belle's school at two in the afternoon, every afternoon. When he was younger, she'd sit him on the lush green grass and let him explore under her watchful eye. And as he grew the two of them would venture out to the playground and she'd sit him on her lap on the swing, carefully swaying backwards and forwards. Sometimes, the day couldn't go slower, while other times it seemed no time at all had passed when, an hour later, the bell would ring and Belle would come tearing out of the classroom, long hair flying, and leap into her arms.
It was enough for her. Enough and everything. But it wasn't enough for Mike. Of course it wasn't. And she should have realised. Before the kids got hurt. Mike's spirit was too strong to be chained to a desk. It was alright at first, when Belle was a newborn. But he craved space, freedom. He may have been home, but his heart was still bobbing about the ocean. The sea would always be his true love.
"Holy shit, Kate. What happened to your stomach!?" Nikki gasped as Kate walked as quickly as she could from the changerooms to the water. Damn Annabel. Should have thrown the stupid two-piece out. She knew the game was up as soon as Nikki had started this whole damn idea about swimming. But just at that moment when Kate was trying to figure out what to say, Belle splashes her way over and Kate silences any further questions Nikki might have had with a shake of the head.
"Hey, baby!" Kate smiled. "I saw your jumping. You were very good. And you jumped out very far too."
"Thanks." Belle smiled her wide, toothy grin. "Mummy, can we go on the waterslide? Pippa and Maxie are going. Please, Mummy?"
"You want to go on the waterslide?"
"Yeah."
"Okay." Kate conceded. "But you go straight to the slide and you stand with Pippy, okay?"
"Okay." Annabel splashed off, not having mastered the kicking underwater stage yet.
Scott scrambled over to the spot where Kate stood, Rhys holding Hunter right behind the pair. She could feel Nikki's tenseness, could feel Rhys' gaze, but Kate ignored them, keeping her eyes focused on Belle, waving excitedly from the top of the waterslide.
Max came down first, bellowing his lungs out like a little lion and making Scott collapse into hysterical giggles in Kate's arms. Then Belle whizzed down, waving to Scott eagerly. She made her way over to Max and the two of them watch Pip come down, squealing excitedly.
Kate had hoped to avoid getting out of the pool unnecessarily, but Scott clamboured to have a turn on the slide just like his sister, and so Kate went up several times with Scott in her lap. It wasn't until they were in the changerooms again, getting the kids showered and changed that Belle noticed the marks.
"Does it still hurt?" Belle asked as she pulled her stockings up.
"I'm fine, Belle." Kate assured her.
Belle frowned as Nikki rounded the corner, fully dressed and impeccably made-up. "Is that where Daddy-" Belle began, but Kate cut her off.
"I'm fine, Belle. Nikk, can you watch the kids while I get changed?" Kate didn't wait for an answer, shutting herself in a cubicle before she had even finished her sentence. A moment later the sound of children chattering left the room and Kate lets herself cry.
"Kate?" There was a tentative knock on the door outside and Kate felt her breath catch. "Kate, it's Nikki. Open the door."
"I'm fine." Kate managed to choke out.
Nikki gave a bitter laugh. "You have said that so many times in the past fortnight that I wonder whether you even know what it means."
Kate stared at the back of the door, reading the words scratched into the wood.
JH and FD 4EVE!
Jenna is a slut.
How hot is Tony the lifeguard?!
"Kate, the cuts and bruises… you look like you've been beaten up. I'm worried about you. Belle's worried. That's why she insists on bringing you food every morning."
Danny Lewis has herpes.
This café is a joke.
RR luvs JS.
"If Mike hit you, then you need to-"
Kate pulled the door open so fast that her hair fluttered back with the air that was moved. "He didn't hit me, Nikki."
"Kate, level with me here. Because you call me up, out of the blue and tell me that you're leaving Mike. You won't tell me anything about what happened, and you look like someone kicked your stomach in. And you keep telling me that you're fine, but that's bullshit, Kate."
Kate looked Nikki square in the eye. "Okay. You're right. I'm not fine. I'm upset, and I'm confused, and I'm scared. I feel like a failure. I feel like I used to be Lieutenant Kate McGregor and now I don't know who I am. I feel like shit for throwing my mess on you and I feel like the worst mother in the world. So, no, I'm not fine. But I can't fall apart, because I have two children who need me."
"You know, I never picked you for a stay-at-home Mum, X." Buffer grinned as he watched Kate heat up Scott's bottle.
"You know you can call me Kate, Pete." Kate returned to the kitchen table, shaking the bottle.
"You'll always be X to me." He grinned. "Same as you still mentally call me Buffer." Kate smirked. He was right, she had to give him that.
"You want to feed him?" Kate asked, nodding to the eight month old in Buffer's lap.
"Sure. What do I do?" Kate showed him how to hold Scott, and soon her son was sucking eagerly from the bottle.
"How's the new posting?"
"Pretty good. I'm based out of Brisbane normally. I was glad we were able to catch up today." Buffer stared down into Scott's eyes. "I met a girl."
"Not another Monica?" Kate laughed.
"No. Her name's Petra. She's a high-school teacher."
"Wow." Kate grinned. "What does she teach?"
"History and Photography." Buffer paused for a moment, gazing at Kate. "How did you know it was the right time to take a shore posting? I mean... we're moving in together. I just... I've never really felt bad being at sea before now."
"Sounds like you're in love."
"Who's in love?" Belle questioned, skipping down the hall towards her mother in her Alice dress-up.
"Uncle Buff is." Kate informed her.
"When can I meet her? Is she pretty? What's her name? What does she do?" Belle fired out a string of questions so quickly that all Kate could do was blink. "And Mummy, can you tie my bow?" Belle added as an afterthought, spinning around.
"Her name is Petra, she is very beautiful. She's a teacher and... hopefully I can bring her to Cairns sometime soon."
Annabel nods wisely.
"Have you got a photo?" She asked, heading towards Buffer and leaning across the table to grab one of the cookies off the platter.
"Yeah, I do." There was a gurgling noise from Scott's bottle, alerting the adults to the fact that it was empty. Buffer sat the infant up in a sitting position once more in his lap before pulling out his phone to show Belle a photo.
"She's really beautiful." Belle assured Buffer. "And her hair looks like Snow White's."
Belle slid off the chair once more and sang to herself as she skipped off. "No time to say hello goodbye. I'm late! I'm late! I'm late."
"Do you miss it?" Buff asked as Belle returned to her room. "The sea, I mean?"
Kate didn't even have consider the question. "I tried going back to work. Just a shore posting. I miss them too much." Kate bit her lip. "I feel like, if Mike's away so much, then one of us should be here all the time, you know? I mean, what's the point of having kids if work is your first priority?"
"I guess." Buff shrugged. He paused, and turned to face her, a look of concern on his face. "Are you guys okay? I mean... you and Mike?"
Now it was Kate's turn to shrug. "Same as always, I guess." She opened her mouth once more, wanting to ask Buffer whether he thought it was Mike's fault that he had only spent five weeks with his son since his birth, or whether it was bad because she was counting. She wanted to ask whether Mike had said anything to him, whether he thought Mike was happy.
But she doesn't ask him any of this.
The night after the pools, Kate and Nikki sat in the lounge room, watching some building show that Nikki had sucked her into. Rhys entered the room, phone pressed into his shirt as he whispered to Nikki two words that sent Kate's heart racing. It's Mike.
"Hello?" Nikki greeted into the phone, chancing a glance at Kate's white face.
"Hi Nikki." Nikki was sitting so close to Kate that she could hear the dejected tone through the phone. "I'm sorry to call out of the blue like this but... I need to know if Kate's there?" She could hear his tinny voice through the receiver as Nikki turned to look questioningly at her. Kate knew that she was being unfair, knew that she should take the phone from Nikki and talk to Mike. Try to work through their issues. But all she can do is shake her head.
"No, Mike, she's not." Nikki replied, falling into silence once more.
"Oh... okay, Nik..." There was a long pause, and Nikki moved to put the phone down just as he spoke once more. "I get… I get she doesn't want to talk to me. I… I wouldn't…Nik, just... just tell her I love her. And Annabel and Scott. They mean the world to me, they really do. Tell her I'm sorry. That she's my world. That it was all my fault. Just… tell her I love her. She has to know."
Kate wasn't aware of her hand moving towards the phone, or taking it from Nikki. All Kate registered was that just as she put the phone to her ear... a dial tone.
Nikki turned to Kate, opening her mouth. "He said-"
"I heard what he said." Kate snapped, and immediately burst into tears. "Oh damn, Nikki. I'm so sorry. I'm… I'm sorry. You've been so good to us and I…" But Kate doesn't know what to say, because there are no words to explain how grateful she was to Nikki for taking her in. Because it was that night when she decided to leave that Kate realised, for the first time, that she had no friends. That she was completely isolated. The only women she ever spoke to were the women she'd served with on Hammersley. Bomber had been fired because of her. She and Sally had lost contact after Swain's funeral. She'd lost contact with Nikki after they'd caught Fulton and Nikki had left Hammersley. Kate had kept in contact with her long enough to know that she was pregnant with ET's kid, and was going to stay with her parents for a bit. Kate hadn't known she'd gotten married, let alone had two kids with the guy. But when Kate had called and Nikki had answered she had wasted no time in telling her to come and stay with them.
"It's okay, Kate." Nikki whispered. "It's okay."
