Disclaimer: All chapters of this story are for entertainment purposes only. I own none of the characters. Props to the writers and creators of My Fair Lady and of course, GG.
A/N: Thanks again for the reviews! I tried to make this chapter a little longer, but I think I'm rushing it a bit because I'm so anxious to get Blair to the ball (you'll see). I'll try to have that chap. out before the weekend is over.
Chapter 4: Nice and Easy
Clairol's Perfect 10 Espresso on the Double, Dark Brown, #4 was all that separated Blair from the UES. Well, not exactly, but it was a good start. Blair had an idea. She would learn how to speak UES and pass herself off as a duchess at the masquerade ball. If it worked for Eliza, it could work for her too.
For the past month, Dan had been telling tales of what life was like on the other side of the bridge. Yes, there were zombies, but there was also great wealth and to Blair, this meant opportunity. This could be her way into Yale and the good life her parents hoped she would have. The sad truth was she felt that being a poor, nobody from Brooklyn wouldn't really stand out on her college application. Could she get in on her own merit? Maybe. I'm sure it has happened. Sometimes you do find four leaf clovers and gold at the end of the rainbow and prince charming. But why take chances? Blair thought. She had always been a girl who could get things done. She wasn't going to sit around in Brooklyn and wait for her life to happen; she was going to make it happen. She would enter society at the ball, enroll at Constance Billard, take on minions, assume her rightful place on the thrown as Queen Bee, form an alliance with a boy from a good family, get into Yale and make her deceased parents proud. It's just a simple plan. Nice and easy, right?
But first, if she was going to get this caper off the ground, she would have to make sure she didn't miss a spot.
"Oh thank God you're home Humphrey. I need your help."
Blair had made a makeshift smock out of a plastic trash bag so as not to stain her clothes with hair dye. Things were going along fine, the color seemed to be taking nicely, but she couldn't see the back of her head.
"Did I miss a spot?" She said turning her body trying to see as much as she could in the mirror.
"What are you up to now?" Dan asked putting down his books.
"Just tell me if you can see anymore blond in my hair."
"Looks fine." He said in the same distracted tone that he had for the last month since he met her.
"Thinking about your lover Serena?" She smirked. "When's the wedding?"
He ignored that last comment. "It's just so frustrating. Every time we really start to get close, there is some mysterious force pulling her away. She's all over me, asking me to the ball, to this dinner to that charity event, and then…it's… sorry Dan, I've gotta go. I've got to do this "thing", but I can't tell you what it is. I mean, what's that? Who does that?" He asked looking truly perplexed.
"So you're sure I didn't miss a spot, right?"
"I said, who does that?"
They were both ignoring each other at this point.
"Look Humphrey, I really don't have time for this right now. I'm sure it will all work out. You just have to understand that she's an Upper East Sider, and Upper East Siders do what they want with little regard for anyone's feelings. "
"Well, if I wanted someone like that, I would just hang out with you."
"This is no time for flattery Humphrey, I need your help." She said setting her stop watch for 25 minutes. That should be just right. In less than a half hour, step one would be complete.
"You're a writer, and to hear The New Yorker tell it, a pretty good one. I need help with a plot."
"Oh no. I am not the man for the job. You need someone from the other side to help you with whatever it is you got cooking. If I know you, you need an Upper East Sider. "
"Well, I don't have one of those…yet…so you'll have to do. "
Dan found Blair so annoying, but somewhere deep down he felt compassion for her. She had been through so much this past summer. He had to help her if he could, no matter how harebrained a scheme it may be.
"A plot? What are you thinking?" He asked in a most sincere tone.
"So, you remember My Fair Lady, right?"
They were sitting on the couch now. Dan had his laptop open, but was giving her his undivided attention.
"Uh, how could I forget?"
"Well, I need you to help me become a lady in shop. More specifically, I need you to help me become an UES lady who shops."
"Ok, but I'm not Henry Higgins and you already have a pretty good grasp on the whole speaking English thing. So what do you want me to do?"
"Just help me with some plot points, and I'll do the rest."
"Well, let's hear your plot then." He said putting his laptop on the coffee table. "This should be good."
"I want to become an Upper East Sider, so that I can go to Yale." I'll need you to give me the background on the people you know. I'll also need you to provide me with the day to day intel. Not many people know you, so you should be able to slip under the radar pretty easily."
He thought about the zombies when she said this. She was right.
"Ok?" He scratched his head.
"I'll also need to create a background story. I can't just simply show up at the ball and say I'm from Brooklyn. It would never work, I mean, just look at what's happening to you."
"Hey, um least you forget, I am dating the most popular girl at school."
"Yeah and where is she now?"
It was harsh, but she was right.
"Fine, go on."
"Well, I was thinking, I would be some sort of royal, naturally. A duchess or a countess, perhaps."
"Oh yeah, totally." He couldn't hold back the sarcasm now.
"And I'll make my début at the masquerade ball. That's where I'll really create a buzz."
"Right, just like Eliza did." Again sarcasm.
"Exactly. Then, riding the wave of excitement I've created at the ball, I'll enroll at Constance. It should be quite easy to dominate the school quickly. After all, like you've been saying, most of them are zombies… so they should be easy to manipulate. I'll become the Queen Bee, take my place on the thrown, and poof, I'm high society."
"And what about money? How will you ever afford to go to Constance?"
"Well, not that it's any of your business, but I did get some money from my parent's life insurance policy which should last for a while."
He felt bad for asking.
"And then, well, I'll probably have to find a young man from a good family."
Ok, he didn't feel quite as bad after that last comment.
"So your plan is to become a gold-digger?"
"First of all Humphrey, you say that like it's a bad thing. Secondly, I wouldn't be gold-digging so much as seeking out opportunity. Did our forefathers not come to America seeking freedom from oppression, taxation, and tyranny?"
"Sure, but what does that have to do with your plot?"
"Well, Brooklyn to me is like the England our forefathers ran from. Only instead of crumpets and tea, we have hash brownies and patchouli."
"So you think you're too good for Brooklyn?"
"Duh."
He couldn't help but laugh. She was kind of evil, but had an endearing quality that was just so…Blair.
"So, tell me about my prospects."
"You mean guys?"
"You're batting 1000 today Humphrey."
"Well, from what I can tell, your best bets are Nate Archibald and Chuck Bass." He shook his head after he said this realizing how crazy it all sounded. "I can't believe you are sucking me into this."
"Right, right, Nate Archibald and Chuck Bass, go on."
He knew she was serious as only Blair could be about something so outlandish. Why fight it? He thought. And so he continued to humor her.
"So, Nate is the "Golden Boy" of St. Jude's. He is very handsome, plays lacrosse, and is a really cool guy."
"To hear you tell it Humphrey, it sounds like you are already in love with him. Would you be terribly jealous if I made a move?" She grinned.
"Very funny. Did I mention he's a Van der Bilt?"
"A Van der Bilt! Well now, maybe I do believe in true love after all. A Van der Bilt! How nice," she sighed.
"Well, there's also Chuck. He's a bit eccentric, and uh, kind of has a bad reputation."
"And why do you think he'd be suitable for me?"
"Well, you're both jerks, so you'll probably get along famously."
"Okay." Her response was deadpan.
"And did I mention, he's heir to Bass Industries?"
"Is that supposed to mean something to me?"
"Well, if you like money it should. The Basses own the better half of Manhattan."
"The better half of Manhattan!" She was on the edge of her seat now…literally.
"Careful Blair, don't fall off."
"Yeah, Chuck would be my pick for you. He's probably the only person I've ever met who could handle, well, whatever this is…"
"Whatever what is?" "You mean me?"
"Yeah, I mean you. The only one I've known that could think of something as crazy as this plot of yours is Chuck Bass. He's kind of evil. In fact, he's known as the Notorious Basstard."
She shrugged. "He sounds okay. But, I had better steer clear. I don't want to be found out. Game recognizes game, you know?"
"I'll trust you on that one."
"Plus, isn't Van der Bilt a nice name?" She sighed again checking her stop watch. Five minutes to go.
"Oh, and one last thing…I'm going to need to borrow that apartment on Park you've been house-sitting for."
"What! Have you lost your mind!" He jumped to his feet.
"A Queen needs a palace, you know? And I'm afraid there are none to be found in Brooklyn," she took a deep breath picturing her luxurious Park Ave penthouse…"And Humphrey, White Castle doesn't count."
Dan stood there dumbfounded trying to find the words.
"Well then, it's settled. You told me the lady of the house won't be back for months, so that will work out perfectly."
Words were starting to form; slowly, he could feel his fingers and toes again.
"Blair..."
"Well, would you look at the time! You wouldn't want my hair to fall out would you?"
He went to speak.
"It's a rhetorical question." She said walking into the bathroom. She shed the trash bag and got into the shower.
Forty-five minutes later B emerged from her cocoon. Clairol's Perfect 10 Espresso on the Double, Dark Brown, #4 worked for her Dan thought.
"Wow!" he exclaimed looking up from his laptop.
"It's nice, huh?"
"The darkness suits you."
She either missed the intended insult or just didn't care.
"I think so, but something is missing…I need just a little more to make me stand out…I need a signature accessory, like a necklace or a bracelet or maybe a…"
"Headband?" he said finding the whole thing ridiculous.
"A headband! Yes, Humphrey! That is it!" She giggled jumping up and down. "I guess I didn't need you for the plot, but for the details."
"Well, you know what they say; the devil is in the details."
A/N: Next time, shopping at Bendel's and Chuck Bass!
