A/N: Here is chapter four. It was actually originally eleven pages long! I ended up condensing everything, so I'm sorry if feels rushed. There are a fair amount of page breaks, which I generally try to avoid using at all costs because it interrupts the flow of the story. But my main goal was to avoid splitting the chapter in two, because I think it's important to present the plot as cohesively as possible, so I'm sorry if this chapter's flow suffered as a result.
Quick shout out to QTFics and honey924. Both of you guys have reviewed every chapter of this story that I've uploaded, and I feel the love, so thanks. Additional shout outs to everyone else who has reviewed. As someone who hardly ever reviews a story even if I think it's awesome, I have to give all of you guys mad props.
Chapter 4 – You're Worth Everything
"They say you're not worth it,
Worth the pain you bring.
But what the hell do they know,
You're worth everything."
Nyota waited outside the Inter-Species Ethics classroom for Commander Spock to finish his lecture. She leaned against the wall and idly tapped her boot heel on the floor, listening to the sound echo down the empty hallway. Nyota tilted her head and listened to the muffled sounds of a lecture on the moral responsibilities of individuals with advanced mental capabilities. Her lips twisted into a wry smile. Commander Spock was not exactly the most qualified person to be espousing the importance of moral constraints on this particular topic. She rested the back of her head against the wall and closed her eyes. As she tried to make sense of the emotions coursing through her, she struggled to control the sensation of her stomach tying itself into knots.
On one hand she was angry. He had violated her mind and entered the one space that was hers alone. Yet, she had to admit that he had been welcome there. Her mind had offered no resistance and had unfurled itself without complaint for his inspection. She knew it was because of her misplaced sense of devotion to him but it wasn't something she could help. He made her feel alive. Some things were worth fighting for and Nyota was willing to fight for this, whatever the consequences.
He concluded the lecture with stating what the homework was for next week and explaining when his office hours were taking place. The door opened next to her, hiding her from view. He strode out briskly, books in hand, heading towards the faculty offices. Nyota inhaled deeply and before she had the chance to think twice, she was racing after him.
"Commander, a word? If you're not busy."
Commander Spock paused and looked at her unemotionally. He raised an eyebrow and after a moment of hesitation, he nodded.
"Yes, Cadet. Come to my office."
Nyota could feel her nervous energy building as they walked and she realized that her hands were shaking slightly. She clenched them tight as he held open his office door for her. She glanced around his office. It looked mostly the same from the last time she had been here, small and tidy. There were orderly stacks of paper on his desk, which she assumed were papers he was grading. At the corner was his monitor, whose screen was dark. At the back of the room, near the window were bookshelves crammed with books in different languages.
"Please, sit," he said evenly.
Tentatively, she sat in the wooden chair opposite from him. His dark eyes evaluated her as she lifted her chin with determination.
"How may I help you, Cadet?"
Nyota bit her lip. "I'd like to know what I missed in class during my absence."
She cringed mentally. It was painfully obvious that she was stalling. He looked at her blankly and then turned his attention to the monitor. He booted it up and tapped the screen a few times.
"If you will wait one moment," he said simply. "I will send you my class notes electronically. I trust you have kept up with the reading?"
"I am slightly behind, sir," she said slowly. "I plan on completing it tonight."
He simply nodded and the room was silent except for the gentle whirring of his monitor. She shifted uncomfortably under the oppressive silence of the room. It felt like the walls were closing in on her, trapping her. A part of her wanted desperately to leave, but she stifled the urge and forced herself to sit still. Her PADD beeped loudly, cutting through the silence. She jumped slightly and checked the screen.
"I just got your notes."
Nyota glanced up and saw him watching her. She swallowed nervously.
"Is there anything else with which you require assistance, Cadet?"
She paused. This was something that had to happen.
"Yes."
He tilted his head. She inhaled slowly and avoided looking at him.
"I want to talk about what happened in the lab earlier this week."
He paused, "I was not aware that this was something that required a discussion."
She looked up at him defiantly, "I disagree."
He raised an eyebrow.
"You-you looked into my mind!" She accused.
"I did."
"And you don't…I don't know, see a problem with this?"
Spock hesitated for a moment, "My own actions were highly inappropriate, and for that I do apologize. However, Cadet, I feel you are overlooking the primary concern here."
She felt her face get hot, "And what would that be?"
"Your infatuation, Cadet."
Nyota could not help but wince when he said it. As the words cut through her, painted with his condescending tone, she realized how pathetic it must seem to him. She breathed deeply and decided she would not apologize for her feelings. As she clenched her fists, she tried to keep calm. If she didn't use her head, this would end in a huge embarrassment.
"Commander, have I ever, even once, acted inappropriately towards you?"
"No," he said slowly. "You have been consistently professional."
"So let me get this straight," she said hotly, "You look into my mind, and somehow I'm the one who's on trial here? I didn't even do anything!"
"I will concede to your point that you have not acted inappropriately. However, as your instructor, I must react properly to this information, regardless of how it was obtained."
Nyota felt her face flush as her frustration mounted. The sinking feeling in her stomach told her that she might have made a mistake. She ignored the feeling and told herself that she was in too far now. There was no turning back. She was going to have to see this through until the bitter, inevitably horrible end.
"Sir," she said, thinking quickly. "Vulcans don't lie, correct?"
He paused for a moment and the look in his eyes revealed his bewilderment.
"No, typically we do not. Falsehoods are counterintuitive to logic."
"Okay, well…whatever you did to me in the lab," she said, grasping at the only straw she could. "Did you do it on purpose?"
There was a heavy moment of silence.
"It was not an accident," he replied quietly.
"Why did you do it," she demanded.
He looked away for a moment, as if thinking. She watched him warily as he did his own form of mental arithmetic, weighing the value of his words.
"I do not know."
"Well, great," she said dryly. "That's helpful."
"I answered the question as honestly as I could," he said simply.
She paused. "As…honestly as you could? That's not the same thing as the truth."
"If I were to elaborate, it would only serve to complicate matters," he said plainly.
Her heart raced. "How?"
"Cadet, you and I are already in an inappropriate predicament. I believe it would be unwise to exacerbate current matters. I advise that you discontinue your current line of questioning."
Her eyes widened, "Sir, I am going to ask you a question, and I need you to tell me the truth."
His dark eyes looked back at her unemotionally. She took a deep breath. This could be a horrible mistake, but she couldn't stop herself.
"Do you like me?"
The words hung heavily in the air for a long moment. The tiny room was filled only with the hum of his monitor. Nyota could feel her stomach tying itself into knots. It was a little unfair, how she was cornering him like this, trapping him with his own logic. But she reasoned that it had to be done. Even in the oppressive silence of the office, she felt a shred of optimism. Sunlight streamed in through his window and she watched the platelets of dust hanging lazily in the air. For a moment, she dared to hope. If he had looked into her mind and it had not been an accident, then there had to be a reason. A curiosity. A desire. For her and her mind. Her heart raced in anticipation and her blood was rushing through her veins. For the first time in weeks, she felt alive.
"That is an inappropriate question, Cadet. One that I cannot answer."
"Why?"
"Because it would be inappropriate to do so," he said fiercely. "I have entertained this line of questioning long enough. I must ask you to leave."
She was a little taken aback. His face was impassive but his tone had been sharp and defensive. Nyota had never seen this side of Spock. He was passionate and emphatic on this point. She wondered if perhaps she shouldn't push the matter, but ignored the voice of reason.
"No," she said defiantly. "I have to know."
He looked at her sharply.
"Why would it be inappropriate? Because you're my instructor?"
"I thought that would be obvious," he remarked.
"Okay, fine," she said. "But I still want an answer."
"I cannot supply you with one at the given time."
"Because I'm your student."
"Precisely."
"But what if I weren't?"
He paused and she held her breath. His eyes searched her face for a moment.
"If you would elaborate, Cadet."
"Every year, a student is chosen to be the Academy Aide for Advanced Phonology and Advanced Acoustical Engineering. If I were to get that position, I would no longer be your student – aides are almost instructors themselves – you would have no excuse to avoid giving me a straight answer."
He looked away with an air of disinterest.
"Given the current circumstances, I would not be able to recommend you for the position," he said flatly.
"It doesn't matter," she said countered quickly, "Aides are appointed by the head of departments. I only need Captain Becker to appoint me. And I can get faculty recommendations from my other instructors."
Nyota stood in triumph. She felt her blood pumping with the sensation of success. Her logic was flawless and he knew that. She slowly grinned. Commander Spock looked genuinely dumbfounded. It was the most emotion she had ever managed to get out of him.
"Sir, I will not approach you for the rest of the year," she promised, "But once I am appointed Academy Aide, I expect some answers. Real answers."
"It is an incredibly competitive process-"
"I will get it," she said with confidence. She paused and smiled slowly, "I'm sorry for inconveniencing you, Commander. Thank you for your time."
He looked at her blankly and nodded. Nyota returned the nod politely and turned on her heel. As she shut the door behind her with a quiet click, she smiled to herself. She was quite certain she was the first student to ever leave Commander Spock speechless.
Spock watched the door close behind her. The room seemed so much smaller and so much quieter without her presence. In truth, he felt completely puzzled by the cadet's actions. Although, that was how it had always been. In the past two years he had known her, she had always had the peculiar quality of using her emotions to her advantage. Her emotions had consistently seemed to drive her to go beyond boundaries that should have been unreachable. He was completely unable to define her. One moment she would be driven by emotion and then the next, she would embrace logic.
Despite her highly emotional nature, she had managed to outsmart him. Spock realized that she had used her unpredictability to catch him off guard and trap him in his own rigid structure of logic. So she wanted answers. In truth, he did not have any to give her. He had only a vague idea of his feelings for her. He had often tried to define them during quiet times of meditation, but they had always eluded his grasp.
Cadet Uhura was young. At least four years his junior. In many ways, she was still just a girl. Her infatuation with him would quickly pass. Furthermore, a lack of emotional stimuli from keeping distance from him would cause her feelings to fade. Of this he was certain. And even if he was proved wrong, he still had the rest of the semester to define the unfamiliar sentiments lurking at the corners of his mind.
The cadet's mind was extraordinary, so he had no doubt that she would gain the Academy Aide position. He felt a gentle feeling of warmth at the pit of his stomach and recognized the emotion as pride. This was to be expected. She was his student, after all. After investing so much time into her education, it was natural that he would feel pride at her accomplishments.
He wondered for a moment what had caused such a strong devotion to him. The cadet was passionate in everything she did. She did nothing by halves. It was odd that she should be drawn to someone of such a controlled mentality. She was being illogical. He could not possibly supply her with the emotional reassurance she craved.
He paused and for a moment thought of his human lineage. Perhaps they were more similar than he had initially thought. He looked out the window behind him. The silent, all too human hunger that was always lurking at the back of his mind relaxed whenever she was around. The half of him that soundlessly craved emotional contact yearned for her presence. Human emotions that he thought he had buried long ago had resurfaced and demanded recognition.
Spock felt his stomach tighten. This was strictly against regulation. Although, he noted that he would not be an instructor for much longer. He would soon begin active duty with the Enterprise. He quickly dismissed this line of thought and pushed aside any stray emotions. This was unacceptable. He would not allow himself to rationalize the objectionable situation he currently found himself in.
It was not too late to put an end to this. No rules had been broken yet. Nonetheless, without him realizing it, his relationship with the cadet had already taken on a life of its own. He was not fully confident that he would be able to put a stop to it, even if he wanted to.
At least now she knew that Vulcans did have emotions. The problem was getting him to figure out what they were. Not only that, but he also had to admit them and express them to her. The last thing Nyota needed was the obstacle of Starfleet protocol. A relationship with Spock couldn't be allowed to jeopardize their careers, so the only solution was to rise to the top of her class, earn the position of Academy Aide and force him to admit his feelings. The feat seemed impossible, but Nyota was determined. She had enough of moping around.
For the final ten weeks of semester, Nyota worked tirelessly. She was constantly in the library working on translation algorithms or in the labs, taking apart translator circuits and putting them back together.
She worked herself past the point of exhaustion, forcing herself to learn everything and anything related to Xenolinguistics. A part of her wished that she hadn't promised to keep distance from Commander Spock. At times like this, being around him was a relief that allowed her to keep working. Not to mention his vast knowledge and expertise on everything she was attempting to learn. But she reasoned that this was good for both of them. He had to figure out his emotions on his own and she needed to know she could stand on her own merit. Nyota had never wanted anything so badly.
She couldn't quite pinpoint the moment where she had fallen for Commander Spock. It had come to her as natural as breathing. As much as she hated admitting her own dependency, she needed him. She adored him. Adored every molecule of his being. Her heart was charged with feelings of exhilaration. It seemed to provide an endless supply of energy that kept her working.
Usually Nyota would work late into the night. When she was finished for the evening, she would stumble out of the labs and look out into the San Francisco Bay. All too often, the sun was beginning to rise, dying the clouds orange and salmon pink. For a few brief moments, she would let her mind go quiet as she looked up and identified the stars that were still visible in the early morning light. She had taken up the habit of noting their motion as the earth turned and the weeks passed. There was not much time left now.
As the final week of the school year approached, Nyota began her application for Academy Aide. In addition to submitting the application form, she submitted the findings of her yearly research project. She had been working on the department's research into the development of Universal Translators. Currently, mechanical translators were unreliable at best and painfully rudimentary, but she believed that she had made a breakthrough. She had successfully written an algorithm that could translate passive voice transitive between alien languages and English. It was a minor breakthrough, but a breakthrough nonetheless. The department had been spending a lot of resources on the development of translators, so she could only hope that they would find her research valuable enough to appoint her as Academy Aide.
She stood outside Captain Becker's office with her application materials. With a sigh, she knocked on his door twice. He beckoned her to enter and she opened the door. He smiled at her and held out his hand for the application. With a gentle sigh, she passed over all of the materials, and placed her future in his hands.
"Nyota, I don't know why you're freaking out so much. What's the worst that could happen?"
"Oh, I don't know, I don't get the position?" She said dryly
Gaila shrugged. "There's nothing you can do about it now. Calm down and put on your uniform. The ceremony starts in twenty minutes. We're going to be late."
She dressed hastily. "Odd role-reversal, huh. You having to get me out the door on time."
Gaila grinned at her. "Well, I learned from the best."
Gaila ushered her roommate out the door and the two rushed to the lecture hall where commencement was taking place. They managed to find seats with their class as Captain Becker was taking the podium. Nyota's breath caught in her throat as the Captain gave the usual speech about exceptional dedication and commitment to academic excellence. Nyota tapped her foot nervously until Gaila nudged her to stop. She watched the stage, which was filled with instructors in uniform. She spotted Commander Spock, who sat perfectly straight in his chair, watching Becker give his speech.
"Now, before we begin with Commencement, I would like to take a moment to acknowledge the achievements of cadets that we are lucky enough to still have with the Academy. Therefore, before we hand out diplomas, it is time to appoint new Academy Aides for the upcoming scholastic year. Academy Aides are an invaluable part of this institution for their contributions to department research and serving as a reliable source of knowledge for their peers. Furthermore, I am pleased to present next year's collection of exceptionally bright and talented Academy Aides."
Nyota held her breath while he went alphabetically through the departments and she kicked herself for choosing a major that started with 'X'. As Captain Becker concluded appointing a third-year cadet to the position of Academy Aide for Xenobiology, Nyota's stomach churned.
"And for the department of Xenolinguistics, I would like to appoint the following Academy Aides. Cadet Grish as Academy Aide for Advanced Exo-linguistic Mechanics-"
Nyota leaned forward in her chair.
"And for the Academy Aide for Advanced Phonology and Acoustical Engineering, replacing graduating cadet Hoshi Sato, I would like to appoint Cadet Uhura."
He left the podium and the room applauded, but Nyota was only vaguely aware of what was happening. Her heart was racing and felt as if it would burst. Gaila was squealing and shaking Nyota in celebration. But all of it seemed to fade away and she saw only Commander Spock. She had done it. All on her own. She closed her eyes. It was the most gratifying feeling she had ever experienced.
It hadn't been easy, but it was worth it.
He was worth it.
"Commander!"
Spock turned and saw Cadet Uhura running towards him. He paused as she stood in front of him. She doubled over, breathing heavily.
"Congratulations on your appointment, cadet," he said politely. "I look forward to working with you."
She nodded and watched as various Starfleet students and personnel were boarding an aircraft in front of them.
"You're leaving for the summer," she accused.
He tilted his head. "That would explain my presence at the aircraft hangar."
She looked up at him suspiciously. "Did you just make a joke?"
He simply looked at her blankly.
"Nevermind, it doesn't matter," she said quickly. "You're leaving. Why?"
"There is no specific reason for me to remain at the Academy over the summer. Therefore, it would be more valuable to continue my research at the Vulcan Science Academy until the beginning of the academic year."
She looked up at him.
"I'll be here," she said with a half-smile.
He paused. "I was not aware that you would be staying at the Academy this summer."
"If you had known, would it have changed your plans?"
"No," he conceded. "Returning to Vulcan is the logical choice."
She scowled and put her hands on her hips. "Well, you still owe me an explanation."
He looked at her and she noted a hint of surprise on his features.
"I thought your infatuation would have faded by now."
She shook her head with annoyance. "Well, you're wrong. It hasn't."
Spock watched her impassively while she tapped her foot impatiently.
"You are not Academy Aide until the beginning of the academic year."
He watched her mouth open in protest.
"But you-"
"I do not have an answer I can supply you with at the moment," he interrupted.
"But you will tell me, won't you?"
He hesitated, "Given your current standing in the Academy, there is no particular reason for me to withhold the information from you."
"Is that a yes?"
After a moment of silence, he nodded.
"Alright, so can you give me something here? Why you looked into my mind? Anything?"
Spock looked into her face, which desperately searched his for answers. There was a long moment of silence while he thought. He hesitated for a moment and before he even knew what he was doing, he held up his hand to her face. Her eyes widened in surprise. Slowly, he placed three fingers at the necessary spots near her temple and lightly applied pressure.
"Cadet Uhura," he said with an air of professionalism. "If I may?"
"Oh, so you're actually asking me this time?" she said with sarcasm.
He looked at her and waited for her answer.
"Why?" she asked suspiciously.
"In all likelihood, you will understand my feelings more than I. This is simply the most logical way to convey my response to your queries."
She bit her lip and slowly nodded. "Okay."
He inhaled deeply and allowed his mind to return to hers. It felt oddly comfortable and familiar to him. He fell through the layers of her mind until he rested at the center of her consciousness. It felt warm and safe and he allowed his mind to join with hers. For a brief moment, they were joined completely. Together as one. He felt her inhale as if it had been his own breath. He exhaled and allowed his breathing to sync with hers. Slowly, he allowed his mind to empty itself of all his thoughts and feelings for her. When he was done, he frowned in concentration and began to pull his consciousness away from hers. Their minds reluctantly separated and he opened his eyes.
She opened her eyes and inhaled deeply. As she looked up at him, she smiled slightly.
"That was…interesting," she said.
"Indeed," he said in agreement. "I hope this has answered your questions."
"Yes and no," she said with a faint smile. "We can figure it all out when you get back. Together."
Spock nodded to her slowly and walked towards the aircraft. He could feel her eyes on him, so he didn't bother looking back. Whatever was happening between him and Cadet Uhura was no longer explicitly against protocol, even if it was inappropriate. Their careers were no longer in jeopardy, but to his own dissatisfaction, he still could not define the foreign sentiments he felt.
She said they would figure it out.
Together.
A/N: A part of me had considered ending the story there, but I decided against it. Mainly because I want to explore more of Spock's character and I think there's more left to the story. Next chapter will focus almost completely on Spock. As always, thanks for reading. I appreciate it.
