Endurance
Chapter 4 - Moving Forward: The Feeling of Home
After being ordered to move in with the Third Hokage, Kakashi had felt oddly elated. It was not a feeling he was familiar with, and he remembered it only vaguely from, possibly, a time he had shown his father a new jutsu that he had completed, and had been heartily praised for it. (Thinking back, Kakashi was quite sure it had been the Uchiha speciality, the Grand Fireball jutsu,that had so impressed his father, and he wondered what his father would say now if he knew his son had use of another, quite different Uchiha speciality. His eye throbbed painfully as though it knew what he was thinking. Or was it Obito trying to tell him something..?) But that had been a long time ago back when Kakashi was just a kid, when his father and Minato-sensei had given him almost enough love to get by on.
The way Biwako-san had hugged him had felt strangely good, and for some reason acknowledging this to himself made Kakashi feel somehow dirty, as though it were wrong for him to accept comfort from anyone else. He didn't want her, with her sweet eyes and gentle smile, and her warm, warm arms, to become tainted by him. Everyone who had shown him comfort or love was now dead. Kakashi thought of the grief it would cause her family if he were to take her life as well. The Hokage-sama, Asuma, her other children if there were any (he thought Asuma might have had an older brother, but he really didn't know), and how it could bring the village to its knees if the Hokage-sama could no longer function through his pain. Kakashi had seen the love between the two of them. He may not have experienced it himself but he recognised love when he saw it, and it broke his heart to think that such love could be torn apart for the sake of helping a child such as himself.
Of course, Kakashi was not so self-obsessed that he thought everything revolved around him, and that his mere proximity to someone would summon the grim reaper, but neither could he allow himself to just take what he wanted without a thought for the possible consequences. That early lesson from his father had stuck fast.
He thought of the animals for a moment and felt sad.
Then he brightened as he realised he'd already wasted about fifteen minutes and didn't have long to go until he had to leave. In spite of his misgivings, Kakashi's optimistic side told him to just go along with it. It had been their suggestion after all, and they had seen his reaction to it. To his shame he hadn't been able to hide his happy grin when the suggestion had been made; something he blamed on being thrown off his game by his tiredness and the fact that he hadn't known how to deal with Biwako-san's display of emotion.
With new found enthusiasm, Kakashi made his way to the baby's room and looked down at it. He thought the baby would be better off with experienced parents anyway. The Sarutobis had already brought up a family, and Asuma had always seemed to be a happy kid with lots of friends, as well as being a good shinobi now that he was older. That was exactly what Kakashi wanted for the baby. For Naruto, he corrected himself. It's name is Naruto. His name.
Kakashi picked up the baby and twirled once, holding him in the air and looking at his funny little scrunched up face. His heart was filled with a love so huge it seemed to physically hurt, and he knew he was lost. He didn't want to hand Naruto over to anyone else, no matter how brilliant they would be as parents. He didn't think he could trust anyone else with his baby. His sensei's baby, he corrected himself. The little creature needed him. He had been the one to answer each heart-wrenching cry, the one to hold the baby close and let it sleep on his chest giving it the closeness it craved.
He had given up everything for this baby, while no one else had expressed any interest aside from the perpetual threats to kill the demon if only anyone knew where the hell that senile old Hokage had hidden it. Kakashi had often smiled to himself when he heard this talk while out shopping in the marketplace, glad that no one knew where Naruto was. He'd be damned if he ever let anyone find him either.
He went out infrequently, and when he did venture out it was always under cover of his henge no jutsu. The fact that he never showed his true appearance when he went out made him realise how alone he really was. No one ever asked where Hatake Kakashi was, and it hurt. He wondered if his ANBU squad, who he had only worked with a couple of times, ever wondered. He didn't expect so. The only person who had asked after him the whole three months had been an old lady who lived across the hall from him.
Although he'd been too stuck up to appreciate it properly at the time, being part of a squad had suited him. It was like having a family, he guessed. You didn't choose your parents and siblings, and you didn't always get along, but when it came down to it they would always be there when you needed them, and losing them hurt like hell.
Now he was Naruto's family, and he would do what it took to be a good older brother to him.
Kakashi had never had any hobbies or pastimes to speak of really, as he was always too busy training when he wasn't on missions (and he wasn't crazy enough to call training a hobby like that nutty kid Maito Gai who had filled in for Obito on the two missions Team Yellow Flash had taken before Rin had died and Minato-sensei had become Hokage). The only thing that he could genuinely say brought him pleasure; the thing he always looked forward to which kept him going on the way back from missions; the other thing he had learned from his father besides how to kill, was cooking. He had loved to visit the market on the way back from an assignment, and no matter how tired he was he would always feel better when he saw whatever meat they had on special offer that day. He would buy it, then scoot around the marketplace eagerly searching for just the right accompaniments to create the perfect meal. Kakashi had always cooked and eaten alone, and it had never crossed his mind to invite his team mates round for a meal, although in hindsight maybe he should have. It would have been awkward though, as he couldn't have eaten in front of them anyway.
Kakashi looked down at himself, noticing as though for the first time how narrow his hips looked. He moved to stand in front of the mirror, and felt as though he was looking at someone else. While he had never been chubby, Kakashi had never been this, well... this was a little bit scary, if he was honest with himself. He couldn't believe he hadn't noticed. No wonder Biwako-san had been upset. He found himself longing for something nice to eat, and hoped that Sarutobi-san would have something ready when he got there. His mouth watered at the thought, and a small tear squeezed itself unbidden from his closed left eye. Cooking had been his one pleasure, and in a life so absolutely barren and duty-bound that even that had felt like an indulgence, it had meant a lot to Kakashi.
But he had to give that up for Naruto. And looking at the little bundle of blankets in his arms, he knew it was worth it.
Glancing at the clock Kakashi noticed that he still had just over half an hour to go, so, feeling tired and remembering his previous interrupted attempt at getting some sleep, he put Naruto down and laid out on his bed to hopefully grab a quick nap. His head was pounding slightly less than usual, and he felt more at ease, so it seemed like the ideal time to grab 'forty winks', whatever that expression was supposed to mean. He hoped it didn't mean forty minutes or he would be late for the Hokage-sama.
Although Kakashi had every intention of rolling over to set the alarm clock, his body had other ideas, and the moment his head hit the pillow he was out like a light. For almost two hours.
Waking up feeling a bit flustered, Kakashi noticed the time, shoved everything he thought he might need for the night into a bag, put the still-sleeping Naruto in the sort of hamper attachment that came with the pram he had bought, and made a dash for it.
That old lady just had to pick that moment to come up the stairs. She was a nice old lady of indeterminate age who had already been living there when Kakashi had moved in at age eight, and hadn't changed at all in those six years. Kakashi supposed that six years probably wasn't very long when you were her age, but to him it seemed like forever. Six years from now he would be twenty, for goodness sake!
The old lady spoke to Kakashi whenever she could, and thanks to his so obviously orphaned status she had at first tried to help him out, which he had not appreciated at the time. Now he rather enjoyed bumping into her when he went to the market. In disguise, of course.
Kakashi sighed. Much as he liked her, he just didn't have time right now.
She said that she hadn't seen him in a long while, hadn't the weather been bad lately, she was sorry he had been ill, but was glad his friend came over often to spend time with him. She asked whether he had received the chocolates she had asked his 'friend' to pass on, and he had answered that he had enjoyed them very much, thank you.
Kakashi didn't think he could handle being questioned about the baby, so before the old lady had reached him he had used a henge technique to make minor alterations to Naruto and the blankets so it looked like he was carrying a covered picnic basket, which was much easier to explain. In fact, to his relief the woman didn't even ask about it.
Kakashi just hoped Naruto wouldn't start crying just yet. He was always sensitive to chakra being used around him, which Kakashi guessed was probably to do with the Kyuubi, so he had altered the basket as little as possible so as to use less chakra in the hope that the baby wouldn't react. It all seemed to go fine; the picnic basket remained silent, and Kakashi and the old lady said their farewells.
But just as he was heading off down the stairs, she called back to him, her voice slightly pleading, and Kakashi knew she was going to ask for some sort of favour.
He was right. She asked him if he would mind climbing through her living room window, which she knew was open, to open the door from the inside as she seemed to have lost her keys and had frozen food in her shopping trolley. As she knew he was a ninja, she didn't think this would be too difficult, even though he was so young and had just been ill.
Kakashi had of course obliged, although he was worried about leaving Naruto unattended in the guise of a picnic lunch. He put the basket up onto a small wooden chest the lady kept outside her apartment, mentioning that the basket had some very delicate cakes inside which he wouldn't want anyone to step on or kick by accident. The danger was of course that the lady would take a peek at these enticing cakes, so as a precaution Kakashi used a surreptitious hand sign to cast a genjutsu on the woman so that if she looked in the basket she would see nothing but beautiful cakes inside. He then leapt out of the window to try and finish this good deed as quickly as possible before anyone else arrived in the corridor, or before he discovered he had made the cakes look a bit too enticing and the woman tried to eat one.
Finding the missing keys on a small table by the front door, Kakashi handed them to the lady as he exited the apartment, releasing the genjutsu as he brushed her hand. She tried to invite him in but although he would have liked to accept he didn't think even Obito would have been able to get away with being more than two hours late to see the Hokage.
Luckily, fate was kind to Kakashi for once and he made it outside before his picnic basket began to whimper. Waving back at the old lady, Kakashi felt somehow free, for the first time in his memory. He even had a genuine Obito-like excuse for being late. Fantastic! The Old Man would love that! He surprised himself when a laugh escaped his lips. It was a genuine, free sound that he had never heard before coming from himself. Although it was brief, Kakashi felt that this could be the start of something for him. Something new and different. Something better.
Kakashi wondered if this feeling was hope, releasing the jutsu on the basket and looking down at Naruto. The whimpers hadn't developed into cries, and the baby had fallen asleep again.
If it was hope,it was wonderful but bitter-sweet, he thought, looking up at the few white clouds in the blue sky above Konoha.
One cloud looked rather like Rin at a first glance, but the wind altered it's shape changing it into something more like a dove and Kakashi laughed again at this. It was appropriate that Rin should change into a dove. She had always been so peace-loving. Why on earth had she ever become a shinobi? Kakashi forced himself to shut off this train of thought before he got around to the part where he blamed himself for everyone's deaths. It might be true, but it was not helpful. He had to focus on the here and now; on the living. One cloud looked like Naruto, and he smiled again. It might resemble him, but no cloud could ever be as beautiful or as perfect as the baby himself.
Wondering where the hell that rather mushy thought had come from, Kakashi realised he had arrived at the Sarutobis' house, so he knocked, feeing a little sheepish but secretly proud at his lateness. A smell of food came from inside the house, and Kakashi hoped there might be some for him. He was now very hungry, and using even the small amount of chakra it had taken to execute the two jutsu and to walk along the wall to the woman's window had really taken a lot out of him in his exhausted state.
Biwako-san answered the door herself, wearing an apron decorated with printed chilli peppers and, of all things, slices of naruto. She smiled warmly at Kakashi and cooed at Naruto, inviting him to take his sandals off and come in and put the baby in her sitting room for now. The Hokage-sama had met him further down the hall welcoming him to his home, and Kakashi had bowed and apologised for being late and had pulled out the reason for (part of) that lateness, at which the Old Man had smile in good-natured disbelief.
When he was invited to sit at the table with the Old Man Hokage and his wife, and was presented with a huge bowl of wonderful-smelling curry, Kakashi felt himself almost overflowing with emotions he couldn't even name. He wanted so badly to eat the food in front of them, like a family, that he even paused for a moment to consider the possibility, but it was just too soon. He couldn't let them see his face – his sensei had never even seen it.
With a sad realisation he asked them, greatly embarrassed, if he might eat alone. His inner-pessimist told him that perhaps this was not something he could have after all, but he ignored it. Not yet, he thought. Perhaps not yet but soon, someday soon I'll be able to have this. This thing that I want so badly but can't put a name to. This... feeling of home.
