"Thank you for listening..." I feel better about my footing with Kurt. I don't know if it will make him hate me less. I doubt anything could do that but maybe I have a chance after all of this is done to stay alive
"I can't even begin to fathom this..." He pinches the bridge of his nose. I feel everything is in hyperfocus again. He brought me to my home and after the awkward silence I break it with the only thing I can. I don't know what to say in this situation. Its weird because he looks so tense and for the first time in a long time I am relaxed.
"I can't either. I still don't remember much of my previous life but I remember some things" I don't really know why I said the last part. I need to check myself in check. If I have to speak to anyone it will be too Amal or Fatima.
"What do you remember?" That isn't what I expect to hear. I am under no illusion Kurt wants to speak outside the parameters of any cases.
"What?!"
"I want to know what you remember?" I am coming to hate this confused face he is making.
"Why?!" I am getting defensive
"Because I want to know... So tell me what do you remember?"
"You told me if it doesn't pertain to the case you don't want to know the ins and outs of my life." Stop confusing me!
"Fuck!" He gets up from my couch and starts pacing. Incredibly quiet but you can feel the tension radiating from him. I let him be because he is concentrating not getting mad.
"This is so hard Jane! So fucking hard... you don't know what I am wrestling with right now." Now I am angry! Why do I get to be so discounted? Like nothing I feel matters!
"What you are wrestling with?! Are you kidding me right now Kurt? How about what the fuck I am wrestling with? My life is like three different land mines and I don't know how to navigate my life right now. If I make one wrong move I'll be killed by Sandstorm or Nas will classify me as obsolete and the CIA will be after me. I may be responsible for an international incident if Amal can't bail me out. And on top of that I can barely remember who I am. I am marked for death sorry if I don't care about what you are feeling right now." I am freaking furious if it were possible to have fumes coming out of me I would. I get up from the couch and I just go to the window. I can't sit down but I also can't do anything else. I feel so awkward and upset and clueless on what to do.
"Jane... I'm sorry I have no right to be like that with you. I've been holding onto so much anger even stuff that has nothing to do with you. I dumped it all on you Jane and I am so sorry. I am just so sorry for all of the crap I put you through. All of this information is just so confusing and makes the water even murkier. I'm still just trying to process Mayfair's murder and everytime I look at you I think of you being the reason she's gone. Knowing more of the facts Mayfair was always going to die no matter what. Sandstorm pinned Carter on her and they were going to kill her to tie up loose ends. Everyone involved in Daylight was going to die Sandstorm made sure of it."
"I still feel responsible. I am responsible for goodness sake. I was the reason they even were able to frame her for murder. In her final moments I could feel her pure hate when she figured it out. I wanted to explain that I was on her side but Oscar killed her." Just because Kurt knows more about me doesn't mean anything. He may not completely hate me but I still am responsible for Mayfair getting murdered.
"Jane I am still mad as hell about everything that happened with Mayfair. I am still angry with you and I am sure you are angry with me and that's completely justified. After everything you have been through from all sides you have every right to feel betrayed by everyone especially me. When the CIA took you I should have done more to get you back. I should have fought like hell to get you back." My heart beats faster when he says the last part. I have gone through hell and it doesn't make up for anything but this is the most where I felt he was sorry.
"I can't change what happened. I just need you to believe me when I say I want to take down Sandstorm. Shepherd has taken everything away from me. She had me fooled most of my life and I woke up to it. I must have slowly realized I was not being an agent of justice or retribution but a law and order dispensed based on someone else's ideals. She has my brother and not just afraid for me in all of this. I'm just afraid for him. Kurt he's passionate about what he believes and he has been fed lies almost his whole life. The only reason I could break away was because Shepherd made me go undercover. She didn't realize that was the biggest flaw in her plan. I just... You should go home Kurt. I forgot you needed to go home." It felt so great to be able to just talk about things but then I realized Kurt knows enough he can leave now.
"I can't apologize enough for making you feel like you can't come to me. Through all of this anger I have thrown at you. I knew you would just take it because it's me. It wasn't fair of me. Even when I was trying to hate you I should have just paid you no mind instead of actively trying to make you feel hurt. I was being petty and through all the lies I could tell how much it affected you. I wanted you to feel as hurt and betrayed as I felt. The irony of it all is you have been more hurt than anyone in this. You were tortured by them physically and mentally. Only to escape and then captured by me only to get emotionally tortured. You have every right to pummel me into the ground." I don't even know what to say to this right now. Kurt expressing this is more than I could have ever imagined or hoped for. It just helps validating me in feeling utterly betrayed and broken.
"I can't pummel you into the ground yet. I still need you to look presentable tomorrow. Whoever Amal has us meeting tomorrow has to be important enough that you can't walk in with black eyes." I try to lessen the tenseness with some levity. I am not so used to speaking about my feelings so this is the most uncomfortable I have felt in a long time.
"How much do you know about Amal? Well I should say how much can you remember?"
"Kurt if you are asking me if I can trust her..."
"I am asking can we trust her..." That makes me go a little off kilter but then again he has to protect his time he is no longer just a senior agent. He is the Deputy Director the whole NYC branch. He has many people in his command.
"Yes Kurt, we can trust her. The little I can remember of my past life I know for sure I trust her more than anything or anyone. When I found out about Roman and Shepherd I knew they weren't lying to me but I didn't have the overwhelming sense of real trust from them or in my heart. When I saw Amal at the office it was for at most a third of second. I had this funny feeling in my heart and in my gut. I felt like I knew her even when I couldn't remember her. It was a good kind of remembering looking back on it because I stayed relaxed. When I met Shepherd even when I met Roman I didn't feel that way. I felt absolute dread when I found out Shepherd is my mother. I know for sure Shepherd picked up on it and that's why she doesn't really trust me because she knows I don't really trust her. I may not remember most of my past life but I definitely remember that I trust her as my friend and as my commander. "
"If you are telling me your instincts say trust her then I promise I will trust her. Is there anything you can really remember from your past life? It doesn't have to pertain to a plan but maybe talking about it can be an outlet for you..." This is something Borden would say well in more a therapist like manner but this is nice.
"Umm.. Well let's see what I can remember. I remember finding out about the attack on the girls' school by chance. My brother let that slip when I was meeting with him. He would find creative ways to meet me when I was in the Navy. When we were younger he was the more human of the two of us. I can't remember much about my birth parents but I remember my mother being the planner and my father being the heart. Roman was the heart and I was planner. When he found me he freaked out when Sandstorm sold weapons to Daesh. The bombing of the girls' school was a tipping point. I guess internally after bin Laden had been killed the underlying tension came to the surface. Daesh didn't want to take commands from a central network and went rogue and bombed the school.
Daesh committed an egregious error. Al-Qaeda didn't sanction the action and they didn't take kindly to the freelancing. They struck while the iron was hot when bin Laden was killed to make a statement. Daesh called that act their divorce. Shepherd sold those weapons to Daesh. Before that incident we never knew that Shepherd had surrogates dealing with al-Qaeda. At most I knew about eco-terrorists but this is a whole other league. Roman confronted her when he overheard her speaking with someone. She berated him telling him how did we think we got the money to fund our missions. She always touted having contacts in private military contractors who worked with us. It was the first time Roman or I discovered she was dealing with terrorists. It freaked me out so much... everything for me came crashing down when I realized what I was truly in.
Roman was equally freaked out about the prospect of us dealing with people like that. We didn't know what we could do because Shepherd wouldn't hesitate to kill us. Nothing gets in the way of her mission not even us. I don't know if it were Kismet or what but I met Amal only by chance. I remembered she was a senior level official for another military and I told her everything. The Jordanians have been fighting both of them longer than anyone else. I thought if I am one step away from death it didn't matter if I told her. To say she was livid would be an absolute understatement.
The Jordanian ambassador to Iraq and a Colonel were stationed in al-Anbar at the time. Their daughters were students at that girls' school. It was the first time Haditha was severely rocked by terrorism in a long time. Iraqi forces somehow were always able to keep the city from falling into Daesh's hands. I inadvertently gave Amal the info she wanted to know. Her sources had told her al-Qaeda wasn't properly funding Daesh's ambitions with weapons so they found a way to get some instead. I was valuable to the Jordanians because they could get intel about the organization that fed the beasts in the region. I told Amal I would get as much intel as possible on Sandstorm and their allies if they would give me and my brother citizenship and immunity. I still have holes in my memory but I remember the most important parts of my motivations."
"I don't know what to say Jane... This is a lot for me to process. I'll tell you this though I am glad you are starting to remember who you are. It seems to me you were always trying to fight for what was right. It took you a little time away from Shepherd to realize what that was. Your conviction in your ideals never wavered just a shift in focus. We're on the same side and I'm on your side Jane. Whatever Amal has us doing tomorrow I'll do my best for you."
"Kurt... that's means a lot to me thank you. I am so glad I could convince you to hear me out. I'm getting a little tired you should go home. I don't want to keep you out too long I know you wanted to get home."
"I can stay if you like Jane..." The sentiment is really sweet but I just want to think for a little bit then get rest.
"Its okay Kurt you can go home. I promise I'll be fine."
"All right Jane I'll go but I have some rules that you cannot fight me on."
"Okay shoot old man." He cracks a smile at me and it's nice to see that again.
"First of all I'm not old! Second from here on out nothing at the office can change all right. All of this happening right now only furthers the proof that this needs to stay between us. We can't suddenly change in the office it will cause red flags and I do not trust Nas at all Jane. I need you to be the same as it were before okay. In the office I won't actively try to hurt you but I will have to be curt."
"Kurt before you go I need to tell you something... Amal sweeped my apartment before I got home last night and it was bugged. Amal and Fatima searched all of the apartment for cameras as well but came empty. I think Nas bugged my apartment. I can't be 100% if she did because it could be Sandstorm but I really think it was her. Amal is now doing daily debuggings in here and monitoring this apartment."
"You sure you comfortable staying here by yourself?"
"Yeah I am good Amal has the apartment being watched and I can take an intruder if they come."
"I won't pressure you but Jane please call me if anything happens day or night okay..."
"I promise Kurt I promise." I walk him to the door and before he opens the door and I dive for a hug and it shocks him as much as it shocks me. At first it's awkward but he puts his arms around me and takes in a breath of my hair. It's nice to hug someone again especially when it's Kurt. We still have our issues but this feels right.
For the first time in a long time I am feeling hopeful again.
