Honestly, when Bart and Jenni suggested they play video games together as a family, Thad knew he shouldn't have accepted…
MARIO KART 8
"I CALL BABY MARIO!"
"No way! I wanted to be Baby Mario!"
"Jenni! Bart! Would you quit fighting? We're not even five minutes in."
"Well if BART would just let me have Baby Mario-"
"JESUS CHRIST. THERE ARE OTHER CHARACTERS."
"I'm going to beat your ass."
"Yeah right, Thad! You're in seventh! There's no possible way you could-"
"ROCKET BiTCH."
"WHAT THE CRAP."
"What!? BART! Why would you do that!?"
"Sorry Jenni. The turtle shell's got to do what the turtle shell's got to do…"
"Not. Cool."
"Hey! At least it wasn't a rocket!"
"Not funny…"
"How come the pink dinosaur is coming after me?"
"Birdo?"
"No. The other pink dinosaur. With the pink sunglasses."
"...Bart, that's Roy...A koopaling."
"Your point being?"
"The pizza's here."
"Damn. We're in the middle of a race."
"I suppose the delivery guy will just have to wait until it's over!"
"It's been over half an hour, and I think the delivery guy is still waiting. Should we-?"
"Just this one last race!"
"I bet you twenty bucks Bart will lose. Again."
"I refuse to bet."
"OHMYGODNOBLUESHELLFUCK."
"Ha ha! SUCKER!"
"THAD. YOU LITTLE-"
"Look who's in first place NOW, BITCH."
"Owen? Could you maybe slow down a bit? So I could overtake you and get first?"
"Hell no."
"What!? Why not?"
"Because this is my chance to get you back for all the times you've annoyed me, Allen. I'm not letting it slip away. I WILL BE VICTORIOUS."
"I'll tell mom."
"...Dammit."
"It's so obnoxious how he yells "Mario Kart 8" at the beginning…"
"...That's what you decide to focus on?"
"I'm just saying."
"Why do I have to play with the wheel?"
"Because I say so, Allen."
"Then why do you get to play with the gamepad, Thad?"
"...Because I say so, Allen."
"Um, Bart?"
"That is my name, yes."
"Why did you choose the cat car?"
"Because the pink dinosaur was intimidating me."
"Right. Of course."
"There you go Jenni. You can have your stupid Baby Mario. I hope you're fucking happy."
"Well, I don't want it now that Bart's used it all up…"
"IS THERE NO PLEASING YOU TWO!?"
SLENDER: THE ARRIVAL
"So often are we guided by our devotion, our love, our affection-"
"Our assholes."
"-a bond that pulls us down paths not bargained-"
"Like, say, a forest?"
"-and when you find yourself alone and HE casts out that bedevilling gaze-"
"Is he casting out "that bedevilling gaze" because we forgot to do the dishes again?"
"-how far will it carry you?"
"Oh yeah. This is DEFINITELY the beginning of a clichéd horror game…"
"This doesn't look like a horror game…"
"Yeah. The sky's light. No sign of dark, haunted forests here."
-a few minutes later-
"OHMYGODIT'SGETTINGDARKFUCK."
"GET INSIDE THAT RANDOM ASS HOUSE! NOW!"
"The hell are all these pages?"
"Again, it's that you choose to focus on?"
"Well, what should I be focusing on then, Owen?"
"Oh! I don't know! Maybe the fact that we're being hunted down by FUCKING LEX LUTHOR!?"
"You mean Slender Man?"
"Bald head, crappy suit. Same thing, really…"
"So, this guy doesn't have a face?"
"Nope."
"Okay, so then how does he kill you?"
"What?"
"Yeah. How does he kill you? I mean, he doesn't look like he has any weapons on him. Only that cheap suit. And, without a mouth or teeth, there's no way he could harm you that way. I don't think he has any nails. There is literally no possible way for this to work."
"Owen, he's an evil spirit."
"With a cheap suit and no way of killing you!"
"Does anybody else other than me find the name "Slender Man" excessively hilarious?"
"..."
"I mean, come on! "Slender Man"? SERIOUSLY!?"
"Again, Bart. Evil spirit."
"Ha! We're in the bathroom!"
"OHMYGODTHEREHEISFUCKINGRUN."
"Ohhh! We're in the T.V!"
"How spooky."
-a few minutes later-
"OHMYGODCLOSEALLTHEWINDOWSYOUBASTARD."
"THIS. IS. TERRIFYING."
"Dammit all! I can't get away from fucking Slender Man's boy toy!"
"Umm...what?"
"Never mind that! Just help me get into this damned elevator already!"
"Oh yeah. Because walking through the forest at night is the best idea."
"You seem to be forgetting this is a horror game."
"You seem to be forgetting this dude has no way of possibly hurting us-"
"AHHH. EVERYTHING WENT BLACK."
"OH GOD. HE'S GOING TO KILL US."
"WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO HIM NOT BEING ABLE TO KILL US!?"
"How did our supposed "friend" leave all these notes here, anyways? Like, what, did she just take the time to hang up each and every note or letter whilst running away from Slender Man?"
"Not to mention all the drawings…"
"Slender Man be like: "Oh yeah! Just take all the time you need. I'll kill you after that, kay?"."
"I thought it was Slender Man doing all of that…"
"He can draw?"
"WHY DID WE EVEN COME HERE TO BEGIN WITH?"
"So many questions…"
"AND now we're in a cave."
"Bat Boy be like : WHHAAA?"
"I actually think Batman would quite like it in here. It's nice and dark. He likes the dark, right?"
"Did you know Robin was actually called Bat Boy at one point?"
"You're fucking kidding me."
"Guys. Shouldn't we be focusing on the cave?"
"Oh yeah. That."
"Bat Boy be like: WHHAAA?"
"Shut up, Bart."
"THEFORESTISONFIRE."
"I fell into a burning ring of fire-"
"OHMYGODWHATDOWEDO?"
"-I went down, down, down. And the flames, they went higher."
"RUN! WE FUCKING RUN IS WHAT WE DO!"
"I SAID BURN, BABY, BURN-!"
"BART, YOU'RE NOT HELPING."
"So, this is the end? We're trapped in a room? With our friends dead body?"
"Ugh. This is so predictable. LIke, seriously! Ohhhh! Fire an creepy notes! How terrifying…"
"AND...JUMPSCARE! There it is! Fucking called it!"
"Booorrrriinnngggg!"
"This is lame!"
"Worst. Game. Ever."
"BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
"Next game!"
AGARIO
"So, what's our name going to be?"
"FluffyDuck1765!"
"Impulse Is The Best!"
"300 Years Old And Counting."
"Big Blob it is."
"OHHH! What's that thing with all the numbers on it?!"
"That's the leaderboard, Bart."
"Oh! Why aren't we on it?"
"God..."
"Ohhh! Big Blob is making it's way up to the leader board!"
"Great job Owen!"
"Well, thanks, I-"
"OH GOD. AY LMAO AT TEN O'CLOCK."
"Ahh! We're gonna DIE!"
"NOBODY'S dying."
"WE JUST GOT EATEN. THANKS OWEN."
"HEY. NO."
"I want you for worse or for better-"
"Bart."
"-I would wait for ever and ever-"
"Stop singing."
"-broke your heart, i'll put it back toge-"
"SHUT UP."
"We just got eaten. Again."
"DAMMIT ALL TO HELL!"
"Big Blob is number nine on the leaderboard!"
"Hey! That's awesome!"
"It's been decided. You're the best at controlling, Jenni-"
"We just got eaten. Again again."
"Fuck."
"OWEN!"
"What?"
"You're using cheats!"
"It's called mods."
"STILL COUNTS AS CHEATING YOU IDIOT."
"WE'RE NUMBER ONE."
"WHAT."
"No. Fucking. Way."
"I swear! Look!"
"WEAREOHMYGOD."
"This is amazing!"
"Okay, guys, calm down. Let's just not get-"
"NOOOOOOOO! WE WERE POPPED! AND EATEN!"
"Owen jinxed us!"
"Why is it always MY FAULT!?"
"Hey! This guy wants to team with us!"
"How do you know that?"
"Look! He's giving Big Blob little blobs! And we're eating them!"
"Doesn't that technically mean we're cannibals?"
"We're getting bigger. Doesn't matter."
"Thad just ate the friend."
"THAD."
"What?"
"...Are you kidding me right now?"
"Guys, we just got eaten 'cause nobody was controlling."
"Again again again."
"You know what? I give up. Fuck this."
FLAPPY BIRD
"So, what kind of bird is Flappy Bird?"
"What?"
"Like, is it a duck, or a goose? Maybe a-"
"Bart. Don't you dare start."
"But-"
"One more word and i'll kill you myself."
"Is this a crossover from Mario?"
"Yeah! I noticed that! The pipes look exactly like-!"
"Great. Now Jenni and Bart are double teaming us…"
"I'll kill them both. I really will."
"That noise he makes everytime he jumps is really annoying."
"Why is it instantly considered a "he", Thad?"
"Huh?"
"Yeah Thad! What if she's a girl?"
"You've got to be kidding me."
"How dare you instantly assume the sex of a clearly non-gender specified person! Flappy Bird can be whatever they want to be!"
"Yeah! You sexist pig!"
"Are you guys kidding me right now?"
"I'M AT FIFTY JUMPS."
"Owen. Bart got that score, like, an hour ago."
"SHUTUPI'MWINNING."
"Boorrriinnngggggg."
"Come on! I'm so close to beating Thad's high score!"
"Owen. Imma borrow this."
"NO! Give it back!"
"What are you going to do Jenni?"
"Okay! Who wants to see if Flappy Bird works when you tap it-"
"It does."
"-with superspeed."
"..."
"So, apparently it doesn't work."
"Jenni, you broke Owen's phone."
"YOU WHAT?"
"Shut up, Thad."
"The phone couldn't take the acceleration of our little fingy-wingies, and not only completely broke the game without the use of cheats, but cracked Owen's phone right in half as well!"
"Gee. Thanks for the narration Bart…"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO-!"
Aloha. Wow, I wrote this quite a long while ago when on vacation with my family. It may not be very good, and you may not know all the games, but I had tons of fun writing it. Please review! It helps give inspiration. More fluff or more angst, guys?
Thanks!
