Author's note: Sorry for the delay. The usual drill of course; life, work, friends, a crazy bachelorettes party… if it weren't for Elena (Typokween) I wouldn't have gotten this out at all. But I did finally and here's chapter four. Thank you's are at the end.
How We Breathe
.¨-¨.
Chapter 4 – The Ice Is Getting Thinner
January 25th, 2008
-b-
She hates her body.
Not only because she weighs a little too much still, but because it reminds her of the fact that she's lacking character strength. She should be able to stay skinny and in shape. She should be able to mould the flesh and bones to her liking, just like she does with the people around her.
Or maybe she should say 'like she used to do' because honestly, she's not really moulding anyone other than herself these days. And just like the mirror-image tells her, she's not doing very well.
"Stop looking at your self like that, Blair" Serena's voice comes from the doorway. "You look perfect."
Lies, lies, lies… Just like in the schoolyard, they both keep lying. And while Serena does it to protect them both, she does it to hide. It's the way it's always been.
"Thank you" she answers curtly and flattens out the wrinkles in her skirt. "Are you ready to go?"
Her blond friend bites her glossy bottom lip as if contemplating what to say, but Serena seems to decide that silence is golden, because she simply nods. A slight irritation turns over inside her but she shrugs it away. After all, this is what she wants, right? For Serena to not interfere in her business. Wasn't that why she had come straight out and lied when Serena cornered her yesterday morning and asked her if she was sick again? Wasn't what why she had looked straight into her best friend's eyes and said that Chuck was psycho and that all of the things he had said to Serena was just another way of his to punish her?
But then why does part of her want Serena to see through her, slap her silly and yell at her to stop?
Why does part of her just want to scream out loud?
-c-
"Chuck Bass! Open the damn door!"
The voice echoes through the entire 12th floor of the Palace. But he just turns up the volume on his ipod and rests back against the pillows. It's seven o'clock in the evening and if his future stepsister thinks that he's going to open the door, then Serena Van der Woodsen is even more naive than she looks.
He knows what she wants; even if he can't hear her muffled rant through the door. And nothing on the planet is less appealing to him right now then another lecture. Nothing.
Well, maybe except for another argument with Blair.
It's weird how it's always the people that he wants to impress and be around that turn their back on him. His father, Nathaniel, Blair…
It doesn't matter that Bart called him several times the last couple of days to say sorry. Its not what he wants.
The people that drive him insane though, they keep harassing him around the fucking clock. Like Serena who's name is right now also flashing on the display of his cell-phone. For the life of god, he just wants the stupid blonde to leave him alone.
For the tenth time he presses a button on his cell and sends the call to voice-mail. The knocking on the door has died down for the moment and he leans back in the couch. Serena pisses him off, maybe because he has actually made an effort to be nice to her lately. But instead of listening to him yesterday morning when he spoke to her about Blair, Serena chose to believe the lies of her bulimic friend. At least that much became obvious when the duo walked into calculus-class merely an hour after he talked to the blonde, and she and Blair were acting as if nothing was out of the ordinary.
If she wanted to talk to him then, she could have. But she didn't. She chose to believe Blair.
And now she was most certainly here to yell at him for spreading lies about her friend, although it should be clear to her that it's Blair that is doing the lying.
He closes his eyes and shoves the ringing phone in under the pillows. Why wouldn't Blair lie to Serena? Of course she does. Waldorf seemed to want everyone to stay out of her business. Sighing, he thinks back to the other night. However he tries, he still can't grasp how it had turned out…
When Blair broke apart in his bathroom, he'd had no clue what he was supposed to do. Of all the things in the world to feel uncomfortable with, crying girls was the worst. Especially a crying Blair Waldorf. So he just rubbed her back and held her. Wished that he could ask the right things, but instead he found himself saying;
"Tell me what you need to be able to stop this…"
She answered nothing of course, and most of all he was surprised that she didn't keep trying to push him away. She just clung to him, grabbing the fabric of his shirt as if she would fall if she didn't, and on the inside he was fighting a war.
The fluttering of butterflies fought with hot anger over the fact that she could do this to herself. She wasn't supposed to be flawed. She was his epitome of perfection, even though he didn't want to admit it, and she weren't supposed to hate herself this much.
"I won't let you do this…" he mumbled, almost sounding angry. "Do you hear me? Just fucking tell me what you need."
This time she did push back, but she didn't look at him.
"Just leave it…" she sobbed. "This is not your problem. I'm not your problem."
At this he just laughed. However he wanted it to be that way or not, she had always been his damn problem, much thanks to Nathaniel's stupidity. But this wasn't just some minor detail like Nate forgetting a date with her or not remembering her favorite flower. This was serious. Blair was sick.
"Listen to me" he said and grabbed her upper arms. "No more. I've tried making you stop, I even ruined my dad's dinner for you. Today was the last time. Okay?"
Her hiccupping sobs stilled somewhat and her back straightened a little. Then, eyes that seemed a lot more confused than before, looked up and met his. As if something had just dawned on her.
"Why are you doing all this?" she mumbled, and he had this strange urge to lift her up and cradle her like a small child. She looked so damn broken. But of course he didn't cradle her. That would have been stupid. Instead he just kept looking at her.
"Someone has to, Waldorf" he almost whispered. "You'd be a mess if you were left to your own devices."
For a second her eyes grew soft. A bittersweet softness that pierced his skin like tiny needles, because no one ever looked at him in a soft way except for Blair. No one had ever understood him like she did, and he had ruined all that the night in the bar.
"I won't let you keep doing this, Blair..." he repeated and her eyes turned back to the floor.
"Don't tell me what to do."
Soft voice still, but clear statement. The damsel in distress didn't want saving, at least not by him.
"Stop making yourself sick."
"Then tell your dad to stop slapping you around."
He frowned and she looked up at him again. Sad. They were in his own bathroom, he had just walked in on her while she threw up in his toilet, and she turned the tables over on him. Pushed the spotlight to shine on him instead of on her.
Slowly he let go of her arms.
"What do you mean, Waldorf?"
The conversation wasn't going the way he wanted it to go and suddenly he almost wished that she'd go back to being a crying mess in his arms.
"He left a bruise. And you're not really skilled with the concealer Chuck… Was it because of what you did with the buffet?"
She reached up and felt his skin with her fingertip. "I thought you said he'd never do it again?"
He took a step back, shrugging away from her gesture because her prodding but gentle touch hurt more than the actual punch. It was easier around an angry Blair. Gentle Blair still frightened him and awakened the sleeping butterflies.
"Stop that" he muttered. "We're talking about you, Waldorf. Not me."
When she looked at him it threw him off that he couldn't read her face. Just like she understood him, he was supposed to understand her. But when he expected anger, or maybe even resentment, he only found sadness, worry, maybe even disappointed.
"I won't tell if you don't…" she said quietly while taking yet another step away from him. "You'll stay out of my business and I'll stay out of yours."
He squinted and carefully touched the skin under his right eye himself. Five days and it still hurt like fuck. But right then it had been worth it.
"It's not the same thing, Blair. You need help."
She was already by the door by then and she reached for the handle. Tears were still glistening in the corners of her eyes and her perfect appearance seemed 'wrinkled'. A beautiful, evil mess of a girl that fucked with his mind so thoroughly that he felt like he wanted to scream. He wanted to help her, god knew why, but he did. And she managed to throw it all back in his face, just like she had when he told her about the fluttering in his stomach.
She was never supposed to mention what his dad had done. She had promised him.
"I've got it under control" she mumbled, but her voice wasn't at all as strong as usual. Then her eyes searched his for a second. "And you hate me, remember? Why do you act like you care Chuck?"
And just like the time when she asked him in the limo he got ready to answer 'I don't care,' but when it came down to it, he couldn't.
Because it wasn't true.
It was all fucking lies because honestly he cared so much more than he wanted to. Even now, when she was practically threatening him in order for him to stay out of her life, he wanted nothing but to claw his way back in.
"I'm just a tainted whore, remember?" she pushed on. "Ridden hard and put away wet… wasn't that what you said?"
'No', he wanted to say. 'I said I had feelings for you, and you laughed at me…' But in reality, he said nothing. Nothing.
She turned the handle and he watched in slow motion as the door opened. And then finally his lips moved.
"You're not tainted, Blair…"
He wanted his voice to be harsh but it came out softer than ever. She didn't seem to notice though, because she was already backing out through the open door.
"No? Then I guess to you, I'm just a whore…"
Surprisingly, her eyes weren't even cold when she said it.
Now, two days later, he still tries not to think about how she looked at him and he hates that he can't get over the look in her eyes.
Frustrated, he stands up and walks over to the window. Maybe he should talk to Serena again. He needs to get this fucking mess with Georgina straightened anyway. From what the blonde told him the other day, little old G is back in town and ready for warfare.
Lighting a cigarette, he wonders why in the hell everything always has to happen at once. Blair being sick, Serena in this fucking mess with Georgie, Nate acting like whiny little girl and on top of it all, his father…
Sure, Bart was under a lot of pressure with the upcoming wedding but having his dad on the verge of losing his temper every five seconds is not making the situation any easier.
The knocking starts again and he growls and stomps over to the door. Ripping the door open, he then stands eye to eye with the blonde.
"What the hell is your god damn problem, S?" he hisses. "Can't you take a fucking hint?"
She snorts back a "Shut up, Bass!" and shoves past him into the hotelroom. For a person that's been trying to kick his door in for the last ten minutes, she is awfully quiet though. She just walks over to the window where his cigarette still burns in the ashtray, puts her hands on the windowsill and looks down onto the busy street.
He waits. He has no urge to make this any easier for her and he's got all evening. So instead of asking her what the hell she wants, he simply closes the door and walks over to the bar. He's been drinking a lot more than usual lately but who can blame him? What else can he do when all of the Upper East Side seems to have gone totally insane?
"She lied to my face" Serena then finally mutters, just as he pours the amber liquid into a tumbler. "She's my best friend and she didn't even flinch when she stood there and straight up lied."
He raises the glass to his mouth and takes a big mouthful. Maybe Serena isn't so naïve after all…
His entire body aches to shout 'I told you so!' but he doesn't. Instead he turns towards her and nods.
"So what are we gonna do about this?" he then asks and twirls the whiskey with gentle motions that are totally opposite to the chaos in his head. "We need to do something, right?"
Serena sighs but nods as well.
"Yeah, I just don't know what."
January 27th, 2008
-b-
It's harder to concentrate in school lately. Somehow she doesn't have the same energy and she's not sure why but she just gets so tired all the time. Last night she totally missed the cocktails with her mother and this morning she found herself almost falling asleep in assembly, forcing Kati to elbow her twice to keep her awake.
So now she's gulping down masses of black coffee in an effort to make the lunch-break pass as quickly as possible. She can't afford anything that can somehow make Serena more suspicious or worried. It's bad enough that she had to lie the other day.
It's all Chuck's fault she decides and sips the coffee again. If he could just keep his god damn mouth shut about stuff that wasn't of his concern, then life would be a hell of a lot easier for everyone.
But Chuck Bass is the devil's spawn.
He's evil, manipulative, repulsing and dangerous. And he knows way too much about her.
She doesn't even want to think about the other night in his suite when he walked in on her. The whole evening is pushed back to a dark corner of her subconscious. But yet she's totally aware of what he could do with this particular piece of information. He could destroy her completely with this; shove her down the last steps of the social ladder all the way into the dirt. And she's almost surprised that he hasn't told Gossip Girl yet. The only reason is probably that he wants to save his own ass since she has a few goodies about him as well.
Either way; she hates him. So why the hell can't she take her eyes off of him?
She quickly averts her eyes when he looks back at her from the other side of the schoolyard. She feels dirty for watching him. For even thinking about him.
The way he had rejected her when she came to him in the bar weeks ago should make her never want to look at him again. But now, when his left hand plays with his scarf and the right one reaches into his pocket for his cigarettes, she finds herself thinking of those hands doing other things.
Soft hands that never did a day of hard work and that felt like silk on her skin when he…
No.
Her cell phone saves her by beeping in her purse and when she retrieves it, she notices that people around her are doing the same thing. Gossip Girl. She nonchalantly flips the phone open and braces herself for whatever bullshit that is about to get spread.
Good morning Upper East siders. Am I losing my touch? It has come to my attention that G has been seen back in town. I certainly didn't see that one coming. And apparently she is siding up with C since she was seen coming out of his suite this morning… I wonder how S feels about this? Then again, maybe she's happy to just keep it all in the family? You know you love me.
xoxo Gossip Girl…
She reads it again before looking up to see Serena walking down the stairs, also with her phone in her hand. She wants to turn and walk away, because keeping up the façade around S is getting tiresome, but she also needs to know what the hell Georgina is doing back. Georgina is like a plague, or a disease… and Serena seems to always get caught in the girl's web.
"Blair…" the blonde says almost shyly once she gets closer. "I'm sorry about yesterday… I…"
"What's Georgie doing back?" she interrupts with a sharp voice. "Did you know she was coming? Do you know why she went to see Chuck?"
Serena frowns and the look of concern deepens. She hates the pity that resides in the features of her friend but she's used to it by now and she shrugs it off.
"She contacted me awhile ago… Chuck is just trying to help with getting her off my back. Don't worry about it B, really…"
What Serena is trying to say is most definitely; don't worry about it because you're sick and you shouldn't bother your little head with other peoples mess. But how can she not? Last time Georgina Sparks was on the Upper East Side, complete mayhem broke loose.
She hoists the purse up and looks at Serena more intently.
"Come on S… I'm not a child. Just tell me what's going on."
Serena looks around and her facial expression is hesitant. She bites her bottom lip and waits.
"Okay…" Serena eventually sighs. "But not here. Let's go to Starbucks on 51st."
They walk off quickly and in the corner of her eye, she sees Chuck watch them. He makes a move as if to follow them but then seems to decide against it and she breathes out thankfully. One thing at the time, she thinks.
One stupid thing at the time.
-s-
There's no knock on the door. No 'Can I come in?' to alert his presence. Chuck just walks into her room as if it was his own and stops right in front of her where she sits on her bed. She gets ready to yell at him to get the fuck out, but he interrupts her before she even has time to open her mouth.
"What are these?" he says and pulls three containers of pills out of his pocket. "I found them in Blair's bag."
And instead of yelling, she just looks back at him with a shocked expression.
"You went through her bag?"
"Yes of course."
His voice is dry and self-confident, as if it should be totally clear to her that this is something that had to be done. And it probably is. It's just that she would never dare. She won't gladly admit it, but going through anything that belongs to Blair without the brunette's permission wouldn't even cross her mind. Blair is way too scary when she's pissed off.
Instead she stays quiet and accepts the jars he's handing her. One she recognizes immediately. Blair's trusted companion, the Lexipro. Anxiety suppressors that her friend had taken for years and that she sometimes wonders if Blair will ever be free of.
The container of Laxoberal concerns her a lot more. The laxative was one of the first things that Dr. Sherman confiscated from Blair last time, and the disappointment washes over her like a bucket of cold water. But it's when she turns the third container and reads 'Adderall' on the label
that the very last ounce of hope that she had of Chuck being wrong disappears.
"Fuck…" she whispers and Chuck looks at her expectantly.
"What, S?"
What should she tell him? That this is worse than she thought? He's probably got that part already. She could tell him that Adderall is mostly used to treat attention deficit hyperactivity disorders or sometimes depression, but that wouldn't make him any wiser. So she decides to go with the only thing on the list that he really needs to know.
"This is an appetite suppressant. She's never taken these before…"
Chuck frowns.
"Then how do you know what it is?" he asks and takes the bottle of pills back, probably to look at it more closely. "And why does it say attention definition…whatever?"
"It's ADHD-meds."
The frown on his face turns to a confused squint and he looks at the label.
"What? Blair doesn't have ADHD."
"No, and since she doesn't, these pills just make her 'not hungry'…"
She sighs. She should have called Elenore days ago, or preferably right after thanksgiving when Blair called her and cried. She should have known that the one time-occasion of Blair making herself sick wasn't just that; One time. She should have done what was needed back then, because maybe this wouldn't have escalated this far if she had.
She glances at Chuck and waits for the evil remarks starting with 'I told you so.' But they don't come. Instead he saunters over to her desk and flips her lap-top open.
"What are you doing?" she asks and leans forward to get a better view of the screen.
He doesn't answer at first. He just opens Google and punches in a couple of letters in the search field before he presses enter. Then he mumbles; "Research. Blair's always said that a good plan starts with research…"
Inwardly she sighs. Chuck and Blair are too alike for their own good. And yet she realizes that Chuck is probably exactly what Blair needs. Because if there's anyone that can force her best friend to see the truth, then it's the bastard of a step-brother that is currently occupying her computer. It's just that she feels as if there's something that he's not telling her. Something in his posture that seems a little weighed by guilt.
"I can't believe how she can be so damn blind…" Chuck sighs and starts reading the list of web-pages that appears. She watches him pull a hand through his hair in frustration and then he rubs his jaw.
"What do you mean?"
"She's perfect!" he barks, suddenly so loudly that she flinches. "There's not a goddamn flaw on her. I can't fucking get why she does this!"
The calm is gone and she unconsciously pulls back when he leaves the computer again and starts pacing back and forth. He pulls out a pack of cigarettes and she shakes her head. Surprisingly he folds and puts them back.
"Control, Chuck…" she says tiredly. "Blair needs to be in control. And she doesn't think that she's perfect…"
He looks so confused by all this that she can't help but to feel sympathy. And risking the temper-tantrum that is sure to follow, she adds; "Why don't you just tell her how you feel about her? Maybe you'd both feel better if you did?"
He has feelings for her friend, that's easy to see, but she still expects him to bite her head off. To instantly go into defence-mode and deny it all. But instead he just turns and watches her with a very un-Chuck-like gaze. Slowly he picks some lint off of his Saville Row pullover and flicks it away. Straightens his scarf.
"I did" he then says clearly. "She knows that I love her."
She sits there, just looking at him while her brain works to catch up. Wait… Chuck Bass has told Blair Waldorf that he loves her?
Confusion mixes with a strange sense of amusement, or maybe its just shock. So much has happened in the last few months that she feels as if she can't keep up. She came back to a Blair that seemed a lot colder than the one she left. A Blair that dumped Nate, the guy she was destined to marry, and moved on to sleeping with Chuck, Upper East side's notorious sleazebag. And while she herself found love with a guy that was so far from what she usually dated, same said Chuck fell in love with Blair?
She had known for some time now that her future step-brother was infatuated with her best friend. But that he loved her?
"What did she say?" she finally asks, but she never gets the answer. Because Chuck's cell phone starts ringing and when he looks at the display, he frowns with confusion too.
"Waldorf?" he asks into the phone. "What gives me the honor?"
Curious, she watches him listen while the brunette talks on the line, and with a simple "Okay" he hangs up and grabs the coat that he has thrown on her chair.
"Find out what the pills do" he mutters and points towards the still open laptop. "I've gotta go see Blair."
She blinks. "What? She wants to see you?"
"Yeah. Apparently she thinks I can't handle Georgie. She wants to plan her demise." He still looks a little confused but a faint smirk plays at the corners of his mouth. "I figure that it's good if she keeps herself occupied" he drawls and heads towards the door with a newfound straightness in his back. "I guess we just switched responsibilities… You'll handle the research and I'll entertain Blair."
Silently she just nods. The world is spinning way too fast nowadays.
Chuck loves Blair.
She can't wait to tell Dan.
..--..
Author's note: I'm still a little overwhelmed that so many of you welcomed this story with so many wonderful words. So many long amazing reviews that make me feel proud of this story.
I hope that the time passed since the last chapter hasn't made you lose interest. Your reviews warm my heart.
But right now I'm in a flow (for the first time in weeks and I so owe that to Elena, my favorite typokween) and instead of writing long personal thank you's, I'm gonna keep writing chapter 5. I hope you don't get disappointed. Hopefully you want this Blair/Chuck plotting-scene enough not to hate me. ;)
Thank you's:
Elena (Typokween)
Cheyenne (jeytonbrucasnaley)
Daniel (FloatingDownARiver)
Blood Red Kiss Of Death
Six (Sixte3n Cand3ls)
AnnaBlake
LovesItxoxo
Lizzy (BrucasLove123)
Pokey
Missscarlettbelle
Lovetaker101
Princetongirl
Rory Gilroy
Puresimplicity-xo
violetmadame
Crispinthedog
MarauderGirl101
Indusgirl1313
Amomentintime
ObscenelyAboveAverage
D R O W N-I N-S E Q U I N S
Dreamed a dream
Actec18
Noelle
Juliana
Chairforever
Krola
Lamiss12
Hogwarts-chica-94
Isabelle
Naleyislove23
nightsatthecircus
Maggymoo21
Ella
Maiqu
SerenaVdW
BEEcausexoxo
Julia
And finally… LOL, it would be fun to know who the anonymous person is that wrote me the review saying; "You win". I won what? And what was the contest?
