"This is the closest I've felt to you in a long time."
"I was thinking that too."
A pause.
"I'm only sorry it took a death to make that happen."
"Me too," Cal responded sadly.
PJ
Cal thought there was no way in hell he would sleep that night but he must have exhausted himself through tears because he woke sometime when it was at the very centre of blackness. His arm was over Gillian who was turned in to him. His eyes were sore, swollen, gritty and his nose blocked up. He felt like shit on a whole other level.
"Hey," Gillian spoke up quietly.
"Why are you awake?" Cal asked as they moved into new positions. And how come he hadn't picked up on the fact that she wasn't asleep?
Gillian, on her back, reached for the covers and pulled them up to her shoulders. "Thought I heard Lily," she whispered.
Cal wondered if that was what had also woken him.
"I keep imagining I can hear her."
Cal rubbed his eyes.
"And then I have to remind myself that I can't have heard her."
He shifted closer against her so he could rest his head on her shoulder. He draped his arm over her abdomen, under the covers, and her hand came up to rest on his skin, like she often slept embraced with him. Next to her, he felt a little warmer.
"Because she's not here," Gillian finished.
Silence.
"In my head, I know she's gone, but my heart refuses to believe."
"I wish this was a dream I could wake up from," Cal offered. And he wondered whether he was talking about how he felt right now, or the reality of his daughter being dead, or the plans they had made together for their family, for their future.
"I can feel this," Gillian gestured lightly but struggled heavily over the words. "This," she tried again. "Awful weight, or pressure, in my chest." She spoke hollowly. "It's like grief but different somehow. I want to cry it out but it's like it won't budge."
"It will work its way out," Cal told her.
She petted his arm. "I know," her voice sounded hollow.
Although who knew how long that was going to take. And in the meantime how were they going to cope? How were they going to go about their days like nothing had happened? How were they going to take care of themselves for Lewis's sake? For each other's sake. For Lily's sake.
"Gill, we need to make a plan."
"What kind of plan?"
"For what we're gonna do next."
"With... for Lily you mean? A fffffuneral?" She struggled with the word but she didn't cry. She was emotional but she was keeping it in check. That's how Cal felt. He felt like he could cry but he wasn't there on the verge of it. There was just a black swirling whirlpool in his chest and it went around and around but didn't drain away.
"Is it too soon to think about those things?" Cal asked numbly.
"I don't know."
"Am I bein' cold and calculatin'?"
"I don't know."
"Me eitha."
"I guess there's nothing wrong with just dealing with it as we feel comfortable doing so."
"Guess not."
"Still have to function for the sake of Lewis right?"
"Yes," Cal agreed at a whisper.
They were silent for a moment.
"Gill?"
"Yes?"
"I think it's important to deal with this as much as possible so long as it comes up and we feel comfortable doin' so."
"What do you mean?"
"I've been in denial. I didn't want to deal with the adoption thing so I didn't. I didn't want to deal with cancer so I didn't. I've been runnin'. I haven't been in the moment. And if I don't deal with this..." he shook his head slightly, even though it was resting against her shoulder. "If we don't deal with this. I don't know what will happen. But I can almost guarantee it won't be good."
"That's probably a safe assumption."
"Right so. Talkin'. Feelin's. And all that. Othawise this will destroy us. I just think if we don't talk, and I mean really talk, we're not gonna make it."
Gillian was silent for a moment. "I kind of agree."
"I'm not sayin' I have all the answers. I've been tryin' for months to have all of this figured out and I'm so lost I don't know what to do anymore."
"Me either."
"Really? Because you seemed fine," Cal asked dully.
Gillian shook her head. "I took my cue from you. I figured you were dealing and so I forced myself to be fine too."
Cal almost laughed. That is, if he didn't feel like utter shit, and cold and numb, like he didn't have feelings anymore. That is, if his daughter hadn't just died and laughing somehow felt like it was inappropriate, like it was belittling the seriousness of the situation; like she meant less to him because he had found something amusing so quickly after she had gone.
"I was so afraid during the adoption process but I felt like if I said anything to you about it you would just pull the plug. And I promised you and so..."
"We created another shitty situation for ourselves."
Gillian nodded.
"We really suck at this huh?"
Gillian almost laughed this time; Cal could feel her body give a kind of quiver like she had started but it had misfired. "We're not perfect I guess."
"Thought we were more clued up than most."
"We are. Because this could tear us apart but you know what? I feel like it's bringing us closer together."
"Me too." And he wondered if that was the point of all of it. Did Lily come along just to fuse his marriage back together? And if so. Did the lesson really have to come in such a cruel fashion? They had been growing closer as the months went by. They were getting there. Now all of a sudden it was like they had rushed to the goal line; they had skipped the slow process and just clicked.
Gillian's grip tightened on him. "I'm scared it will destroy us. We both know it could."
"So, that's all right," Cal switched into comforting her mode. "We're aware. We won't let it happen."
"Ok," Gillian breathed heavily.
There were silent for another moment. Cal could hear rain on the roof again. The heavens were crying for his baby girl. They had been in mourning for three days straight. Even before she had gone. Did they know? Had they started their grief ahead of schedule?
"I shouldn't have forced you into adopting."
"What?" Cal was shocked. "You didn't force me into anythin'."
"But I could tell you weren't as interested in it as I was. I could tell you were scared and I ignored it because I didn't want to see it because I didn't want to deal with it. I'm so used to us agreeing on everything. I hated that this subject was the one subject we couldn't agree on. I felt a bit like it was personal."
"It wasn't."
"I know that logically. But inside I felt like you were resisting on purpose."
"I would never do anythin' to spite you."
"I know that too," Gillian responded patiently.
"Sorry." Cal was apologising for interrupting her.
"I felt like you refused to get involved out of stubbornness. Now I can see you were just trying to keep a healthy detachment."
Cal felt sickened. "I just got attached and now she's gone." His throat constricted. Gillian soothed the hairs on his arm again while they both listened to the sound of the rain on the roof.
"Sometimes I think I shouldn't have been so attached," Gillian spoke softly. "It would hurt less now."
"But how would that have made Lily feel?"
"Like she wasn't part of our family," Gillian answered even though she didn't need to say the words.
"You made her part of our family," Cal tightened his hand against her side in a hug.
"Sometimes," Gillian started but stopped abruptly.
"Go on," Cal urged gently and then waited.
"I kind of felt like it was too good to be true. You know?" She spoke hesitantly, like she didn't know how to put the words together, or perhaps, that she didn't want to say them aloud.
"It happened so easily," Cal agreed. "They rang us out of the blue. Kiera was smart, emotionally mature, trustin', thought very thoroughly. It was the perfect scenario."
"No such thing as perfect."
"Right. So does that mean the otha shoe was always gonna drop on us?"
"At least it wasn't a house."
Cal did a mental huh. His silence indicated what he didn't say aloud.
"Lewis and I watched the 'Wizard of Oz'," Gillian explained.
"Good movie," Cal answered while wondering when. When had they had time for that? And then, oh, realisation, before this morning... before this mess. Life had existed before then? It felt like there had been nothing before now.
"He enjoyed it. Especially the scarecrow."
"Yeah the scarecrow is definitely Lewis's style."
"If that's the case, would you not have gone through with it knowing how it was going to turn out?"
Cal thought for a moment; he could follow her train of thought easily. Most of the time he could do so easily. Sometimes he couldn't. Those were the times he was worried. Now, even though this was one of the shittiest situations of his life, he wasn't worried about his marriage. Because somehow, he felt closer to her than he had in a long time. "No," Cal whispered. "If I knew then what I knew now, I would have embraced the experience more. I would have let myself feel more than I did. I would have let myself love her more."
Gillian moved abruptly, turning over within the span of his arm so their bodies were pressed together, so that she could put her arms around his shoulder. She gave him a kiss, somehow knowing where his lips were even in the bleakness. "You, Cal Lightman, are a very compassionate man. You loved her. Don't ever doubt that or your ability to love."
Cal held her tightly, until he could feel her bones and let them ground him again. "Thank you."
She kissed him again. A quick kiss. A simple press of her lips against his. It felt like she had given him everything.
"This is the closest I've felt to you in a long time."
"I was thinking that too."
A pause. Same page.
"I'm only sorry it took a death to make that happen."
"Me too," Cal responded sadly.
