Chapter Four - Übermensch Returns
(Um, author here- sorry about the wait! B-but… Pokémon X came out… so… he he)
Soldier's Log: For legal reasons I have to tell you that no civvies were harmed during the writing of this story! Except that's a lie. We are gonna get all kinds of sued.
Thanks for reading! I made you a medal out of this hubcap I found attached to someone's car.
Scout and Soldier sat thoughtfully in the boat, watching the world go by. Sea world.
"This," Soldier said eventually, "may have been a bad idea."
Scout briefly looked like he might try to argue the point just for the sake of arguing, but decided against it. Instead he started getting up to do something constructive only to notice a cloud shaped like a frog wearing a hat and be riddled distracted.
Soldier spared him a single awkward glance before setting about finding a way back to land. What was it that people usually did in this situation? Life boats, right? He momentarily removed his helmet to gage whether he could sail in it or not, deciding on the latter after much deliberation.
He plopped the hat back on his head and thought… hard. And then-
"HELLO, GREAT PLAN!" The merc ripped his cape off and chucked it overboard, yelling, "IT'S A RAFT!"
Soldier dived onto the red piece of material and promptly sank. The term 'like a stone' applied.
"… You say somethin'?" Scout asked absently, watching the frog morph into a toastie. "No? Sounded like ya did. Oh looky the cloud's a skateboard now. That's cool. Hey Soldier why aren't you sayin' anythin'? I mean you're usually attackin' me by this point- OH MY GOD YOU'RE NOT HERE."
Scout finally assessed the situation and sprang to his feet, only to overbalance and hit the side of the boat with his face.
"Freakin' ow." On the plus side he was then draped over the edge of the boat and able to see the telltale signs of 'this be where Soldier went' in the water.
Oh crap. What was it that people usually did in these situations? Life boats, right? Hm… If he could get the boat underneath Soldier, surely that would work. Anxiously humming their theme song, Scout hopped upright then sprinted back and forth, trying to tip the boat.
This failed however, because that seagull was totally giving him this sceptical stare (who did he think he was) so Scout paused to flip it off, only to get thrown clear from the boat. He splashed into the sea and proceeded to fly out a heartbeat later, having been tackled by a familiar figure riding a rocket launcher.
"Hello," Soldier greeted pleasantly, using his arm as a windscreen wiper to remove the dazed Scout from the front of the rocket launcher and plonk him on the back.
"Soldier. The Hell?"
"Oh, you know, talking cartoon turtles, magic wishes and all; one thing led to another." Soldier shrugged, banking left. Scout nodded a little, making the 'Fair enough' expression;
"Hey, do me a favour and fly past that seagull. Guy's bein' a dick."
Soldier gasped in horror and back-pedalled immediately so they could circle the offending seagull twice and laugh at it pointlessly.
~TWO MINUTES OF GETTING BEATEN UP BY A SEAGULL LATER~
"Ah, land," Soldier observed, for that's where they were. What they were on? Um.
"Let's go somewhere else for hero work!" Scout enthusiastically dashed around in a forty-eight sided shape. Soldier started doing the robot again – it took the mercs an absurd amount of time to actually make it back to the teleporter and head to;
~THE BASE~
The seven other mercs had piled into RV (Heavy had called shotgun today) and were in the process of choosing which of the teleporters to go through for finding their teammates.
"It was likely those two causing havoc in the city," Spy pointed out, "They may have gone back there."
"Or they're gallivantin' around all the sections carryin' out a series of misadventures." Engy suggested helpfully.
They didn't get into a fight about it though because the missing Scout and Soldier appeared at that moment in the garage, completely oblivious to their waiting fellow REDs and frolicking through Teleporter Three.
"AFTER THEM!" Demo shouted, suddenly on the roof and pointing ahead with the Eyelander. Sniper obliged, putting a second pair of shades over his current ones and gunning RV through the same teleporter.
"AW YEAH!"
~SECTION THREE (THE PLACE WITH THE DEPARTMENT STORE AND STUFF)~
Aggressively screaming their theme song, Soldier and Scout sprinted down the street under the pale grey cloak of the early evening sky. Then Soldier tripped and hurt his knee so they stopped with the running.
Incidentally that made them move slowly enough that RV and the team cannoned right past them without noticing and zoomed away along the road. Funny ol' world.
The pseudo-heroes figured the department store they had oft' destroyed (and gotten away with destroying) would be a nice place to head to. How was the thing being rebuilt so quickly…?
"Hm, door's stuck," Soldier noted, pushing the handle without success. "Hang on, if I move this 'Closed' sign we can look inside." He Frisbee-style threw the sign away and peered into the gloomy shop, joined by Scout.
"Freakin' full of activity," the runner quite inaccurately summarised. "I'll go find an open window, see what's up wit' the door."
Soldier absently bobbed up and down in place while he waited, the motion growing in intensity until he was full on break dancing. He stopped at the nearby smashy noise of shattering glass. Scout reappeared wearing a peculiar derpy smile and, arms akimbo, Soldier said;
"Oh, Scooout." And the canned laughter and sitcom music started up in the background.
ANYWAY. Scout led the way into the closed shop via the window-opened-with-a-brick. It proved to be eleven feet higher off the floor than it looked so there were minor cases of serious injuries involved, but who had the time to dwell.
"Let's find some crime and kick it's butt," Scout pumped an imaginary shotgun and strode along in slow motion, crying inside because by God that was a lot of glass he'd just ploughed through. The mercs split up and circled the entire building before regrouping.
"Find anythin'?"
"Negative," Soldier replied moodily. Then he caught sight of the window they came in through. "WAIT. Someone must've broken in here!" He drew back in horror. "Or broken OUT."
He made a series of gestures - including one that seemed like he was diving into a pool or similar – which his teammate eventually read as 'let's jump on outta here and get 'em!'
They did so, and to literally everybody's surprise there were actually three people there.
"Oh," said NPC Two, awkwardly. "Hello."
Scout and Soldier were in super-hero-ass-kicking mode and ready to do some ass-kicking, but they froze at the last moment.
"Goddamn those are some fine-lookin' hats," Soldier stated admiringly, referring of course to the stereotypical woolly (and awfully cosy) burglar hats. Scout nodded approval as the NPCs blinked in confusion. The REDs stared with such intensity at the hats they completely zoned out to everything else.
"Um." NPC One waved directly in their faces, provoking no response. "Well now what?"
The bank they intended to rob was just on the other side of the department store, and subsequently of these two morons. This interfered with their plan a tad…
"OH! OH! I gotta great idea!" Three stuck an arm in the air and flailed it for attention. The NPC sidled in front of the blank Soldier and Scout, saying, "Hey, d'you guys wanna help us move house?"
The heroes heard 'help' and helping was the thing they had spent the day trying to do, so they perked up immediately.
"YES." The mercs blurted, striking a few poses.
"Great!" cried a bemused One, "Our … house… is over here. Let's go!"
Giddily the REDs skipped after the three strangers toward the bank.
~MEANWHILE~
"Right, we have – yeah. Yeah, we've lost them," Sniper absently tapped the steering wheel in a wee tune, slowing down in the middle of the street.
"We should just… never let them leave the base. Ever. Ever," Spy stressed, glancing around everyone to make sure they all got it. Then he realised he was being boring and serious so he put on a funny hat and attempted a handstand in the moving RV. Demo paused to snigger, then pointed out that the suddenly blaring security alarm sounding nearby was probably required for plot development.
Pyro abruptly barked like a puppy and pointed out the direction of the noise, leading the mercs to the bank.
~DAT BANK~
"OH MY GOD, WHY DID WE BRING YOU GUYS, YOU BOTH SUCK, OH MY GOD WHY!?" NPC One rather rudely screamed at the klutzy Scout and Soldier. The pair of them pouted, figuring the wall they'd just accidently knocked a hole through wasn't really that bad. They'd only been trying to move stuff outta these guys' house; one thing led to another…
"Well 'scuse you," Scout huffed, over the persistent alarm, "Just tryin' ta help out. Jeez."
"I'm starting to see your villainous qualities!" Soldier proclaimed, showing off the big word he had recently learned. "AND YOU'RE GOING DOWN."
"OH YEAH?" Two prepared to backflip, remembered she couldn't, and blurted, "WELL YOU DON'T WANNA MESS WITH NINJAS!"
Yeah they ain't ninjas.
Either side, as it were, may well have run away, had the security system not kicked in and gates hadn't covered all the ways out. That's why as a last resort the NPC squad and the pseudo-heroes ran at each other and started the most epic slapping fight of the century.
The remainder of the REDs arrived to see Soldier and Scout inside the blocked-off bank, hitting themselves in the face more than anybody else.
"Is anyone really surprised? Really," Heavy said flatly, facepalming with such ARGH he broke his own nose. Again.
Medic sighed, and not because of that act of incompetence. He supposed the readers, the awesome ones who read Hiking Trip (love you guys), would want him to use The Thing From The Drawer now.
Then he realised that he, too, really wanted to use It on account of scientific curiosity. Actually giggling to himself as he retrieved the Thing from his pocket, the doctor (twice removed) used the mystery item.
Everybody – literally everybody – promptly froze as the effect, eh, took effect. Soldier and Scout had gotten significantly taller to the extent it was just has well the former had a helmet capable of taking on a ceiling. Had they been the type to break the forth wall (a thing they would never, ever do of course) they would have commented on their increase in HP and upped strength stat.
"Um, doc," Soldier awkwardly shuffled around to address Medic, "… What?"
"It's a tarot card. XI Strength."
"… Beg pardon."
Medic sighed, wondering if making references like this was actually worth the effort; "Zhis youth named Isaac gave it to me some time ago. Didn't say much, cried a lot. I think it's foreshadowing our next crossover story in zhe series. Anyway, have fun, you- you… bottom orifices."
The mercs and NPCs alike drew a blank at that one, save Engy who kindly explained, "Doc dun' called ya an asshole."
Right. Thanks. With that there came a collective chorus of 'Ohhh' and they got right back to attacking each other, ignoring the fact the police probably should've appeared by now and dealt with the situation in a proper, efficient manner. Surely our beloved super heroes could – oh, no. That- that was brutal. Oh my God. Someone stop them.
"Tha's a lot a' blood," Demo observed, calmly surveying the situation. "Well. I'm gonna go see if there's a chippy still open." He sauntered off, whistling a catchy Scottish tune because yay Scotland.
While he distracted the people in the vicinity like that, Scout and Soldier finished beating up the NPCs and exchanged a massive, insanely loud high five and victorious shout of 'NEUTRALISED!' They proceeded to cycle through all their taunt animations for good measure and practise their 'cool walk' to the nearest door.
"I'm going to ask you what happened," Spy informed them, "And you're not going to tell me you just spent the day playing super heroes. Now. What the Hell happened?"
The REDs kicked their way outside and returned to normal as they left the building before replying;
"We were being super heroes," Scout explained proudly, unable to contain another dramatic pose. Soldier added, "For the day!" just in case no one had worked it out.
"Oh," Spy gave a delayed response, absently adjusting his tie. "Well I suppose you were… super stupid AHAHAHAHA!"
Only Pyro laughed along with poor Spy, but it probably had no real idea why. Why does Spy try. Archimedes can fly. Something that ends in y.
POETRY.
"Did Spy make a joke again?" the Demoman materialised from seemingly nowhere, actually driving a fish and chip van. "W' need ta' do somethin' about that."
Spy pouted.
"The weird thing is," Sniper said, making no comment on the stolen van and changing the subject, "You two actually did some good there."
"Did stop robbery," Heavy mused, pondering whether this outweighed the destructive things that had gone down also. Eh, close enough. Casually they left the fairly moody NPCs – who had taken to playing a game of charades due to boredom and lack of sufficient other movement ability – and moseyed off into the town. By Pyro's instruction they had to step around the spider web of cracks in the pavement, which proved to be no easy feat in the dark.
A couple of falls and cries for Medic later, the mercs found RV waiting at the end of the road for them. Under the accusingly-glaring moon they clambered in, fighting for shotgun until Archimedes claimed it and everyone else ended up crammed in the back. Sniper subtly cranked up the volume on the radio to drown out their complaining as he drove back to the teleporter.
~THE BASE~
"Day's over. Criminals down, crimes stopped. World's just that bit hatter- better. I meant better. Hats are good though." Soldier coughed uncomfortably.
"Tomorrow the same. That's the duty – heh heh, duty – of a pair a' freakin' awesome super heroes." Scout coughed as well but that was just a throat-clearing situation.
The pair of them, perched on the corner of the base roof, surveyed their surroundings in slow motion, doing the voiceover thing. They'd carefully picked this spot so that if someone should appear at a decent angle below them they'd be silhouetted by the moon, and that would be pretty sweet.
"Today was successful, Bat Boy."
"You said it, Rocket Man."
The mercs stood up gradually, ready to stride dramatically away. Promptly the both of them stumbled and plummeted over the edge of the building.
"Let's never do this again."
"Agreed."
The End!
Soldier's other log: I hope you LEARNED something today, troops! Crime gets you attacked by fictional mercenaries in capes! Do you want that to happen to you? DO YOU!?
Dismissed! Thanks for reading though you maggots are amazing. Falsie says give the readers a hug or whatever. I'm not going to do that. You may have a raccoon. Let me know.
ROCKET MAN OUT!
