God's in His heaven, and all's right with the world.
Except for the occasional bug.
Behold, Yggdrasil. The world tree, the summation of existence, the virtual representation of the spire around which the world rotates. Of course, these being modern times, the woody and leafy aspects have been replaced by crystal memory storage banks, fiber optic networking hubs and a lovely interface that has an eco-friendly 'Recycling Bin'.
To gaze upon it with mortal eyes is to gaze into the heart of perfection. The spiraling glass towers extend to infinity and back, mobieus strips upon which all data in the universe is recorded. Colored lights twinkle and play off every facet of the class, the optical readers which transfer the information around the spires, making the tides work and ensuring the sun rises and making sure Kevin Smith keeps making movies.
Everything good and pure in the universe is parsed and compiled by this computer, the core Turing Machine of reality. Perpetually calculating, never tiring, with Yggdrasil on the job it can be said that all's right with the world.
- From 'Ah! My Hentai! by Stefan 'Twoflower' Gagne.
The tall, buxom, dark skinned woman kept on staring at the words on display at her computer and snorted. "I don't get it. Why start a fanfic with a quotation from another fanfic? Sure, it might just be the best and most accurate description of Yggdrasil a mortal ever stumbled into -" (She dearly hoped no one had been selling their secrets again.) "- by what I dearly hope it's just an incredible coincidence." (See? I told you!) "And I can understand someone feeling unable to top it, plus wanting to pay some tribute to the author of that piece. And okay, I imagine this falls under fair quote usage as it's properly credited and hopefully only used at the beginning... but even so, reusing the fragment like this simply stinks of a lack of creativity, don't you think? Also, Kevin Smith? Now they're pinning Kevin Smith on us? Really?"
She looked back at the woman standing behind her for confirmation.
The absolutely perfect, lovely younger woman with a long mane of light brown hair wearing a much more sensible gray business suit than her sister's skimpy black number blinked, then just told her, in a softly concerned tone, "I think you shouldn't be reading lemon fanfiction on the job, Urd."
A pause.
"And I actually liked Dogma, you know."
"Oh, for the love of-!"
Fujishima Kosuke created and Kodansha owns Oh My Goddess!/Aaa! Megamisama!
Isutoshi created and owns Slut Girl.
Thanks to Darkenning for the proof-reading, and to T51R for the reinvention of the Orochi.
OverMaster Corrupts Every Work of Fiction Ever.
Slut Goddess!
An Oh my Goddess!/Slut Girl Fusion.
Chapter One: Heavenly Bodies.
Of course, Urd felt inclined to cut her little sister some slack. After all, working on the Omega Initiative had been hard on Belldandy, harder than it had been on any of them, Urd included. Belldandy had always been the one to value life the most. She just could not, unlike most of them, file it all away as mere statistics, numbers on her screen, to set aside after your turn was over and you headed off to go drink, eat, sleep or do karaoke.
Belldandy had cried during the Black Plagues. Repeatedly. She had spent days without any sleep after Hiroshima and Nagasaki. Even the extinction of the dinosaurs had hit her pretty badly. Every time Galactus devoured a planet, she would personally go there and place a floating memorial.
The current situation was eating Belldandy alive from the inside, and that bothered Urd, too. Still, there was nothing she could do about it, was there? Nothing but doing her part of the work, unlike a few others.
"Aaahn! Aaah! Oooh!" came the moans from the closed door, just a few steps away from her desk.
Urd clenched her teeth. There was no way that bitch wasn't doing it on purpose. She knew Urd had been in a very long dry spell ever since Troubador left. She could have done it anywhere else, but no, she had to do it right there to rub it in Urd's own damn face. Or get her to join them.
But Urd wouldn't give her that satisfaction. Or even the one of fingering herself as she listened. Bitch had a knack for setting recording devices everywhere that almost (almost!) rivaled Skuld's.
"Aah! Ooh!"
Urd could also have just ratted her out to Dad, certainly, but there was little point to that. Not only Dad was omniscient, so whatever He thought of the situation, He was obviously letting it slide for the moment. (His ways were mysterious, after all.) And bringing the subject up would just leave Urd as a sore loser crying sour grapes. So, what else could she do? Maybe this was her own test? Dad often acted like that. Suffering did prepare the spirit... for more suffering.
With his pants pooled around his ankles, the barechested, silver haired God of Destruction kept the gorgeous bold woman held by the hips as he slammed into her from behind. "Fuck," he growled, ramming into her with the vigor of a god. "Fuck it, but you're hot, Aphrodite!"
Well, I would have to be, wouldn't I? she thought, rolling her eyes back into what he decided to interpret as a pleasure-induced ahegao, even if it was anything but. The Orochi was a crass brute, but recent events had made him quite a hot commodity in the heavenly hierarchy, and Aphrodite had latched onto the chance as soon as she had detected it. So she played along, moaning like only the woman who invented lust of both the real and feigned varieties could. "Oh, yes, yes, yes! Oh, I can't wait to see the other seven heads!"
She was on her stomach on her desk, her hot pink dress folded over her chair, while the Orochi fondled her breasts - not too big, not small at all either - and kept on pistoning with animal ferocity, drooling all over her neck and smooth back. "Damn, you've gotta be the finest piece of ass ever created! I'm going to DESTROY this tight pussy of yours, babe!"
Urd rolled her eyes as much as Aphrodite did at that. She almost wished Beerus was there instead of Orochi - for all his many faults, Beerus at least never slept around with co-workers.
Somewhere else, up, up, up, in a sealed chamber just below that of the Almighty, a tall figure strangely shaped like a hairless cat in ancient Egyptian garb briefly stirred in his sleep, taking a moment to lick at his claw-like hands before returning to his slumber with no dreams.
Sitting at the other end of the chamber, Whis, Guardian of the Gates of Destruction, just sighed wearily and returned to his Sudoku.
"Oh, but Oro!" Aphrodite moaned, tilting her head back. "We must stop doing it here! What if Urd hears uuuuusssss?!"
In the next office, Urd almost clawed at her keyboard. Damn grating bitch! she thought. That's why you never can trust the Greek pantheon! Not only do they never pay their debts, but-!
"Bwa-ha-ha-ha!" Orochi laughed, like thunder. "Let her come, then! For all her talk, that woman's as cold as a glacier! Bet you she hasn't had any action since the Vikings!"
Urd bristled in divine fury, her eyes twin emerald flames. She could have taken Yamata no Orochi's boasting if only it hadn't been true. After all, the man had been defeated once by two high-school aged punks and a single magical woman. It wasn't like his word, that of a mere planetary, rang too much for any god worth their salt; everyone agreed Beerus' post was too big for him. But, the fact his current words rang true pierced Urd to the core. And not in the good way, either.
She would have to do something about that before the world ended. Just to close their mouths once and for all before the cycle stopped. And to see the looks on their faces when she-
When she what?
Urd sighed to herself and kept on working on her terminal, crafting her analysis of the thermonuclear consequences of a Solar System-sized sun pulse wave. When she what, indeed? What was she supposed to do to prove herself? Once, she could have easily thought of a way. She would have started a cult, giving birth to a minor age of moral decay across the lands of the mortals, but since Skuld's birth, she really didn't care to do that anymore, she belatedly realized. Not that the little twerp appreciated her attempts to be a good big sister, a role model. Belldandy, to be fair, did acknowledge Urd's efforts to stay in the straight and narrow path during the last few centuries, but even so...
Urd did not feel good at all.
"Well," Urd said after Aphrodite finally walked out of her office, her turn over. "Hear you tomorrow then, Hon. Although you'd better work on those fake orgasms. Even Snake-Boy's bound to realize he's being had eventually."
Aphrodite stopped and stared at Urd, who stood by the water dispenser with a smug smile and a fist cocked on a hip. "Hmm? Oh, it's you, Urd. You know, it's funny how, even now, I have problems not thinking of you as that hooded dwarf trading a single eye with your sisters."
"Don't worry about that, a lot of people have problems not thinking," Urd shrugged, helping herself a glass of water. "How's the hubby doing, by the way? Still an ace at forging anything but chastity belts?"
"Why, is yours beginning to rust off?" Aphrodite smiled. "What's the problem, Urd dear? You used to act more like a Goddess of Love."
"I guess you could say I, unlike others, I grew up."
"I'll say. It used to be you barely reached up to my knee," Aphrodite laughed. "And even so, I bet you got a lot more cock back then!"
Urd gritted her teeth. "If it meant I had to bed someone like Orochi, I'd pretty much prefer staying this way a couple centuries more."
"Your loss. Oh, Urd, whatever happened to you? You used to be so much fun. Do you know what I think you need? No, not THAT. Even though it'd help greatly too. A good vacation is what you need!" she said, tapping with a finger on her own cheek, in a pensive fashion.
"Well, those of us who don't spend our work hours screwing generally get tired faster than the rest."
"But my job IS screwing! Goddess of Love, remember?"
"I'm a Goddess of Love as well, but I can-"
"No, no, no, no. You're a Goddess of the Past and self-appointed Goddess of Love. But face it, darling, not only were you always treading on already occupied ground, but you haven't even been in my field for quite a while now." This was said with a graceful placement of a fragant, delicate hand on her own chest.
"Oh, hey, discussing who's the most beautiful again?" asked another goddess, a busty blonde in a white dress and sporting an impressive gap in her buck teeth as she spoke, approached them from down the hallway. "Like, I have a way to settle-"
"Not now, Eris," both Goddesses of Love coldly told her.
Eris raised her hands with a shrug. "I was just saying, sheesh. Not like you need me to start fighting over anything!"
And that was true, as well, which only added to Urd's annoyance.
The next day, Aphrodite didn't show up to work, which suited Urd just fine- until the Orochi showed up at her doorstep, coat lazily thrown over a shoulder, a cigarette in his lips.
"Hey there, Past," he said, in his gruff, deep voice. "Where's Venus-chan? 'Cause she isn't taking my calls."
"Why should I know? Ask Eris, last time I saw 'em they were together," Urd grunted, still working at her computer.
"For real? Shit, that woman can turn anyone this side of the Big Guy against you."
Urd smirked. "Looks like it's the doghouse for you tonight, Oro."
The God of Destruction chuckled, approaching her desk with a brash swagger to his steps. "Oh well, that's part of the cycle of Destruction and Creation of relationships anyway. How 'bout a drink after hours, for the old times' sake? I know a great place down there."
"On Midgard, you mean?" Urd gave him a jaded glare. "I thought you couldn't show up there after those kids kicked your ass."
"I mean lower."
"What, and having one of them go tell Mom I was there? So she can gush about my getting closer to her? No, thanks." Urd went back to working.
"Hey, c'mon, before things go to pot. When will we have another chance afterwards?"
"Hopefully never."
Orochi just stared at her for a moment, then growled. "What the hell happened to you, girl?"
"Oh fuck, not you too!" Urd tossed her hands up. "I'm the same as I've always been, I'm just going through a perfectly normal phase of relaxation! Where I want nothing but to be left in peace without having to worry about pleasing men until *I* decide I wanna try again! Why is that so hard for everyone to understand?!"
Orochi chuckled again. "Don't say that," he leaned an elbow on the desk, leaning ahead so his face almost touched Urd's. His breath smelled strongly of hot tobacco smoke. "You know I'm all but running the show for the foreseeable future. If your Dad doesn't want to promote you to First Category, maybe I can convince Him, see? A few prayers, as long as first there are a few -"
"I don't want to be First Category," she lied. "Too much added responsibility."
"Well," he wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "What about a well earned vacation, then? I can get you a nice pad, with all the budget you can ask for... servant Angels up the wazoo, even a few mortal pets if you want ..."
His hand was resting on her collarbone then, right under her necklace, fingers softly tapping on the dark skin. Teasing.
Well, it's not that he's bad looking, Urd thought. And his personality's a pain, but as long as we don't come together for anything but fucking and partying, so what? He's right about something, I really deserve a time out like that.
Then one of his big, strong hands was sneaking under her suit and firmly squeezing one of her breasts, pinching the nipple over the lacy black bra. Urd took a sudden, deep breath.
"Whoa, too fast, Snake-Man!" she gasped. "I was still thinking it over!"
Cruelly, he began placing small, sharp bites all over the skin of her neck. "Thinking things through is a bad habit. Even when one has the whole eternity for it. You know you want it too, you-!"
Then there was a soft, smug rasp from the doorstep. A frozen Urd tilted her eyes around to see Aphrodite standing there, hands on her hips. Triumphantly. "I-knew-it!" she sing-sang. "I knew that, if I was absent for any long, you two would start fooling around as soon as you could!"
"What the hell!" Urd yelled, pushing the Orochi off herself and re-adjusting her blouse. "Your boyfriend here was downright molesting me, you blind cow! Did I look willing to you?!"
"Oh, the poor immortal Norn, defenseless against a mere planetary," Aphrodite taunted, the giggle dancing on her lips and peeking out. "Good thing I was around to rescue her in the nick of time!"
"Mere planetary?" Orochi snorted, giving himself a squeeze in the package. "That's not what you say when you're getting this, Venus-chan!"
"Okay, that's enough! Out of my office, both of you!" Urd stood up and pointed for the door. "Or I'll file a complaint with-"
"With 'Daddy'?" Aphrodite now actually giggled, a hand on her mouth.
Urd boiled in rage for a moment before just kicking them out and slamming the door shut.
"Filing complaints. Really! They're right, I've lost my fucking edge," she fumed, plopping back down on her seat. "Reduced to filling complaints. Not even Bell files complaints!" She picked her phone up and gave a call. "Hey, it's me. I'm calling you on that favor. And don't ask any questions, okay? All I want is a-"
Lifting himself from the floor, the Orochi huffed as he scratched the back of his thick neck. "Well, happy now? Not only didn't you put out, but you made me lose my chance to get it on with someone who wouldn't have denied me. Do women find some kind of perverse pleasure from cockblocking men?"
"It looked to me like she was denying you, Oro dear," Aphrodite smiled.
"Don't insult me like that. You know what I did to your precious island utopia last time someone from your family insulted me. I'd have convinced her just a second after you barged in! You had it timed perfectly, didn't you?"
"Perhaps," she playfully admitted, poking a finger around his broad, hard chest. "And maybe that'll teach you to not try any Norse cold fish when you could have a hot Mediterranean meal, right?"
He smiled at her, almost ferally. "Now that you mention it, I'm still quite hungry..."
Now back in Aphrodite's office, he sat on her chair, legs spread, pants and briefs down, while she knelt and paid her respects to him in the form of vigorous, expert fellatio. The Orochi grunted softly, with a hand on her scalp, as she suckled on his enormous member, her mouth adapting to accommodate the incredible thickness slowly stroking back and forth between her lips and teeth.
Unknown to both of them, a nanorobotic unit had crept into the office, bypassing all of Aphrodite's security measures with ease, turning its recording and linking systems as it focused on them from one of the walls. Its angle allowed it a perfect, clear view of what they were doing.
And what they were doing now, after he came into Aphrodite's mouth, was shifting around so she was on her hands and knees on the carpet, with the Japanese deity taking her from behind as his hands roughly caressed her face.
The bug kept on recording in silence, while a few blocks away, in what was supposed to be another office but had been reconditioned into a gigantic workshop given extra room by subspace expansion technology, one Skuld, Norn of the Future, hyperventilated and nearly fainted, cross-eyed, at what her no-good eldest sister had just made her to record. "Are... are you sure you want to, you want to, this-?!"
"I'll take the whole blame," Urd's voice said through their private wireless line. "Just do it now!"
And so, with a trembling pointer finger, Skuld pressed the 'Full Intraline Connection' button.
One fraction of a second later, all screens on Yggdrasil but those strictly necessary for emergency monitoring began switching from whatever they had been showing moments ago to a carnal display of truly divine proportions. Literally larger than life. Now on her back as Orochi pumped away between her legs, Aphrodite moaned and screamed with pleasure that, for once, was not feigned. All thanks to the images of Urd's defeated, frustrated expression currently running through her mind.
"AHMM! AHNNN! OHHH YESSSSS!"
Urd, sitting with her fingers steppled together, smirked darkly. "It's funny, don't you think, Skuld? You'd think any nookie with Orochi-kun would have to be Destructo Nookie, but her office hasn't even lost the ceiling yet. The guy is seriously overrated."
"I hate you, pervert!" cried the tiny, shrill voice in her ear.
"Oh, stop whining. It'll help you forge character."
Then Urd sighed, smiled to herself, and dusted herself off. She got up from her chair, walked out of her office, and calmly strode down the hallway, ignoring the chaos erupting from all offices on her wake. She entered Rind's office without knocking, just as the Goddess of War angrily cut a call to send a Valkyrie Squad to Aphrodite's office.
"Did you send good looking Valkyries?" Urd inquired, in a pleasant tone. "Because if so, odds are they'll fuck them too."
Rind stared swords of fire at Urd. "You! You have something to do with this, don't you?!"
"I can't lie, despite being Second Category," Urd sat down before Rind's desk, extending her hands ahead as if to be handcuffed. "I didn't file a proper accusation after discovering evidence of sexual foul play in the line of duty, and instead resorted to personal sabotage and spreading immoral content with technology I stole from Skuld, so I came to turn myself in."
Rind's stare didn't really soften that much, but at least the swords weren't in fire anymore. "You still are a real problem case, Urd," she told her.
Urd broke into a short laughter. "Thank you so very much. That's the best thing I've been told all week long!"
Whis' cellphone rang.
Leaving his Sudoku aside with a brief exhalation of annoyance, he picked the phone up. "Yes? Oh, I see. No, no, it's okay, of course. Yes, I will tell him. Well, he'll probably be a bit upset over waking up before intended, but I will handle it. Yes, he will behave. It was nice talking to you again, too."
He stood up, floated slowly to the sleeping prone of the catlike god, and began prodding his head with his scepter. "Lord Beerus. Please wake up. The Almighty requires your services."
Beerus hissed in his sleep and slapped the scepter aside with a hand-paw.
Whis grew a small pulsing vein on his forehead and began slamming the scepter on Beerus' head instead.
Eventually, that did wake him up.
He was not happy at all about it, however.
"I'm sorry it had to end this way, Urd," Belldandy sadly told her sister as she helped her carry her things out of the office, in brown cardboard boxes.
Urd just laughed it off. "Oh, don't worry so much, Bell! I was growing tired of that post anyway. So what if the Relief System Office is a dead end that hasn't gotten a single call in centuries? It just leaves me with less to do."
Eris waved at them as she walked past them in the opposite direction, heading towards the office, where an angel was replacing Urd's golden nametag on the door with Eris' own. "Oh, goodbye, Urd! Like, I'm so sad over what happened to you! Totally not your fault at all, what an injustice! But thanks anyway for helping with my promotion! Tee-hee!"
"You're welcome," Urd grunted, before keeping walking away with Belldandy. "She's better suited for that kind of dirty work anyway. And at least I didn't end as badly as Aphrodite and Orochi. I suppose they'll have plenty of time to fuck each other silly in the Moon Chamber, anyway..."
Belldandy sighed, shaking her head to herself. "Urd," she finally said. "If you ever get a call... please promise me you'll use it to try and fix things, will you?"
"What are you talking about? There's nothing to fix about my- oh, you mean that. Well," she hemmed awkwardly. "As long as there's anything I can do, I will do it, Bell. Anything for you, after all."
So Belldandy smiled and nodded. "Thank you so very much, Big Sister."
"By the way, how's Skuld doing after-?"
"Actually, they have given her Aphrodite's office," Belldandy answered.
Skuld looked at her new desk in distraught, complete disgust.
"I, I... I don't want to sit there!" she cried. "It's dirty!"
To be Continued.
