A/N: I need more Jack puns. And I've been seriously missing this crack and snarky muse of mine, so here I go again, making a lighter, cheerier PH for you all! I've missed this story and all of you fans, been busy updating magi fics. Now it's time for me to turn my dark eyes upon my crossover stories and my Harry Potter crossover fics, as well as my SI inserts. Currently, I have 18-20 stories active.

So that's a lot of material to work with. So anyhow, here we go with a light-hearted chapter to tick everyone off with! When does the serious stuff start? Soon, my friends, soonnnn.


Chapter 4 Jack in the Pulpit, speaking of nothing but being a Jack-Ass

There were a series of loud raps at the door.

Yes, I used that cliche phrase in this diary to describe my waking up. Deal with it.

I shot bolt upright in bed, staring, wide-eyed at the door, but Lacie still remained asleep. Or...was she pretending to be asleep?

"Lacie!" I hissed, "Get up, there's someone at the door!"

"Not going to." She said through gritted teeth, "It's probably Glen. Fake death to get away."

No use, he would still follow us and joke and talk while our ghosts suffered down in the Abyss.

"That doesn't work..." I mumbled, putting my head under my pillow.

Too late, the door banged open and Levi came prancing in like he owned the place.

Prick.

I was still too busy trying to get used to the past week's sex change on me: now I was a dude, now I was Jack, the one everyone hates, and now I'm here being with Lacie. What the hell. On top of that, I'm having so many dirty thoughts a second it's amazing I'm not dead from embarrassment yet.

The blinds were drawn back and suddenly, bright light illuminated the room.

Lacie dove back under her covers. "Bright light, my worst enemy, stop it, Glen!"

"Haha, sorry, Lacie, Jack-kun, it's time for you two to get up. Jack-kun, I regret to inform you, but your mother has been taken to a sanitarium. She'll be there until her mind recovers."

I blinked, processing that. Holy shit, did he just tell me mentally traumatizing news-oh wait, this is that kind of universe. As happy as it is right now, there's still gonna be some fucked up shit going down.

"That's old news, what of it?" I said, sighing. I'd taken those words from some anime or another. Sitting up, I shot him a glare as I got up.

"Jack-kun, it's about time you contracted with a chain." He said, urging me to my feet.

I rolled my eyes at him. "What if I don't feel like it?"

"I guess I won't feel like helping you fit into this society, then, you can go right back out onto the streets."

Ouch, that was harsh.

"Still, isn't there a flower by the name of Jack?"

"Oh, a jack in the pulpit!" Lacie chirped, "It's a pretty flower. Seems to fit you perfectly, Jack!"

I flushed scarlet at this. "I'm not girly..."

"You're the most effeminate boy I've seen...outside of Oswald, of course."

At this, there was the sound of a chair scraping from the next room, and a furious Oswald came in. Teenage Oswald was in his male PMS stage, it seemed.

"Why are you guys making fun of me?" He whined. "It's not my fault the nobles are so confusing!"

"Yet you freeze up every time we go to a ball or social gathering. We're Baskervilles, not hermits who live far away in isolated caves and learn ancient techniques. It's about time you overcame that shyness of yours, Oswald." Levi said cheerfully.

As we walked down the hall, suddenly a hooded figure passed us.

It was Jury. She pointed her finger at us. "Child of Ill Omen! Cursed child! Why is there another cursed child here? This one is the harbinger of certain doom! He shall bring about the end of the world!"

"Him? Sorry, Jury, this little runt here couldn't hurt a fly. He has no muscle!" Levi said, ruffling my hair, much to my disgust. "And we're quite aware Lacie is a child of ill omen, thanks for the knowledge."

"When will you get rid of her? Send her down to where she belongs!" Jury hissed.

"Why don't you go down in the garbage, old hag?" Lacie sneered, "You're half-dead yourself."

"YOU LITTLE BRAT, RESPECT YOUR ELDERS!" Jury shrieked.

"Calm down, now, Jury, they're just children." Levi said, "I'm sure Lacie respects you and understands her destiny."

"Doesn't mean I have to like it," Lacie snapped as she walked away from us and toward the main room for breakfast.

Once again, I was served the smallest portions of food, probably because I was on the lower rung of society-even though I'd been adopted, I needed to work my way back up, this time without using poor Arthur. That gave me an idea. Maybe I could befriend him now.

But how the hell could I find him?


Lacie kept feeding me more pieces of food, though, convinced I was underweight and needed to gain more muscle.

"Eat up, Jack!"

"Lacie, I see you giving him food." Oswald snarled. "Eat all your food."

"I'm sixteen, niisan. Stop treating me like a little kid."

"Quit acting like one, then, and eat your food." Oswald scolded.

"Could you lighten up a little, Mr. Grumpy? I'm trying to eat here." Levi said, sighing melodramatically.

Oswald stormed away again, very annoyed.

"Teenagers. He'll get over it eventually." He said, dismissing it with a wave of his hand. "So, Jack-kun, do you know the four noble houses?"

"Um...Vessalius-"

"Right, the one you're the bastard son in."

"Baskerville-"

"Yes. The others are Barma and Nightray. Be careful not to make enemies of any of them. They are important allies." Levi said, "Oh, and if you do make a contract with a chain, you might be in mortal peril, so give it some thought before you do contract."

I glanced over at where Oz was, perched on the windowsill, looking like a lifeless plush like always, before glancing back over at Lacie, who was currently throwing her mashed potatoes at Oswald, who did not appreciate the gift.

"Jack-kun, are you any good at gardening?" Levi asked.

I jumped. "Uh...maybe a little bit?"

"Great! You can get down on your hands and knees and do some weeding out there like a good servant!"

"He's not a servant!" Lacie snapped.

"He is if I say he is! Have fun!" He said, trolling us like always.

Lacie eventually joined me out there, helping me pull out weed after weed. I was covered in dirt and sweat to the point where I nearly passed out the second I got back in the tower.

"That was fun, hm?" Lacie purred, getting in bed near me. She was way too close.

I could see her...goddammit, would she stop doing this to me?

I knew I'd fall for her. I'd tried so hard to avoid falling for her, but I was going to, anyway.

Shit.

"Jack, you really are the girliest boy I've ever met." She bit my ear again.

Could she not be so weird?

I turned over in bed, flushing before pretending to be asleep.

"You can fake it all you like, but I know you're still awake, Jack." She purred.

Damn her. She was such a vixen.

Terrifying. But that was part of the reason she was called a Baskerville, after all.


My eyes came back to rest on the rabbit plush, who had been brought back up here. The rabbit was glaring at me. Why was he glaring at me? Did he subconsciously realize I was the person who fucked up the people dearest to him and got him stuck in an undying body and stuck with the worst dad on Earth?

"The rabbit is staring." I said.

"Nonsense. It's an illusion." Lacie said.

Then the rabbit blinked in her direction and she sighed.

"Yep, it does this sometimes. Just ignore it." She said, rolling over.

I could still see those beady red eyes glinting at me in the darkness. So I wandered over to it, and touched its black ears. The rabbit's eyes bugged out and it made a comical face, but it could not move.

"Jack, one, rabbit zero. Your move." I said cheerfully.

Oz backed up, staring at me. The rabbit blinked again before looking down, too terrified to do anything more.

"I'm kidding, you're too cute for me to harass." I said, leaving the stuffed rabbit/future chain/future mass killer totally at a loss for words. The rabbit was blushing.

That's when I knew Oz was gay.

Oz was totally gay.

No wonder he wanted Jack's body.

I flushed before flopping back into bed.

How could I have thought that, of all things? That was silly.


The black rabbit was sweating profusely.

How had that boy been able to tell it was sentient?

How? Why did he touch its ears?

It swore to never come near the boy. At least, not for now.

He didn't trust the boy.

Although he was sort of cute...for a human.

"It's all right, you're gay." The Core of the Abyss said.

The rabbit blinked. "What does gay mean?"

"You'll find out when you're older." She said.

The rabbit frowned, or screwed up its plush face to make the equivalent.

The Core just laughed and bounced around him like the troll that she was.