"But tell me now where was my fault, in loving you with my whole heart?"
"Prongs, I don't know what you let her push you around like that. I've never seen anybody take as much shit from a girl as you do from Evans."
"That's because, Padfoot, you enjoy the bachelor life and focus on the entire ocean of fish instead of picking a certain type of fish and sticking with that one. It depends what your tastebuds like… I for instance, enjoy a flaky, fried sunfish."
"Wormy, must everything be about food? Even your analogies?"
"You know Wormtail. He rarely has anything on his mind except food."
"Right you are, Moonykins. Now. Back to the problem at hand: Prongsie ol' chap, really. Why is it about Evans that has drawn you in like a hook on your lip, keeping on with Peter's analogy?"
"I didn't say anything about a hook…"
"Shut up."
James shrugged. He and his mates were sitting under their tree by the lake after a recent episode with Lily Evans. James had thought they were becoming really good friends this year because they had to work together and be Heads and all that. They had been getting along really well, even better since Lily discovered what had actually happened that day on the Quidditch Pitch. At first, James thought Lily was just being nice because she felt bad about accusing him, but lately he had been thinking it was because there was s a little something more. He had been confident that Lily would accept a date with him, at least give him a shot.
He had been dead wrong.
"So, Lily… I've been thinking… would you consider us… you know… friends?"
Lily had looked up from the week's Head paperwork. She brought her quill to her mouth and started to tickle her lips slightly.
"Er… yeah. I guess. We've been… you know… decent towards each other. Talking even when there's no Heads' work to be done. And we don't fight much. So yeah. I would consider us friends."
"Do you trust me?"
Lily looked up at him again, this time with wide eyes. She thought for a bit.
"…Yes."
"Then… would you… do you think you could… give me a chance?"
"A chance? To do what?"
"Would you go on a date with me?"
Lily's face fell.
Not this again.
"James… I… you still feel that way? I didn't… I… I can't. I don't want to ruin what it is we have… and we have to work with each other all year. I wouldn't want to complicate things. I don't feel the same, James."
"You don't have to feel the same! Not yet! Just give me a chance! Lily… I've been asking you for 4 years! Do you think this is some sort of sick joke? I don't know why I have these feelings. I don't know why it's you. But I have them, and it is you. Humor me. Go to Hogsmeade with me this weekend. Please."
Lily seemed to be getting very nervous and agitated.
"No. I'm sorry James. I just… I can't."
And with that, Lily left the room.
Yes. He had been very wrong indeed. He had miscalculated her feelings. Just… it always seemed there was something more. It had been this way for years. James never truly believed her when she had told him she hated him. Something was building up between them. He could feel it, and he could see in her eyes when they spoke that she felt it too, just didn't want to give into it due to their past relationship. What would the student body think if suddenly Lily Evans was going out with James Potter after years of confessing to James that she hated the very ground he walked on? Hated the air he breathed, etcetera.
She cared about the image it would present. Evans was rock steady, goal-oriented, heart set. Going out with him would make it appear that she had given in. And Evans never gave in.
She would never give in. She would never admit that there was something more between them. She would never confess her true feelings.
"You're right, Pads, Wormy. I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe it's time to move on. Get it through my thick skull that anything between Evans and myself would be completely impossible."
"That's it, Prongsie! Take a look around you… Plenty of fish in the sea. Especially here at Hogwarts…" Sirius slapped him on the back.
" 'Atta boy, James! Don't let one woman rule you. Break free from the chains that are Lily Evans." Peter ruffled his hair.
"Whatever you think is right to do, James." Remus gave him a look that said "This will be harder than you think."
"I'm going to go tell her I give up on her. I will!"
"She'll see what she's missing out on!"
"Go get 'er! Dump her big!"
"Wormy…"
"What?"
"James can't dump someone he isn't even dating."
"I meant it in the manner of… I dunno."
"Have some toast."
"Thanks, Remus."
James had gotten up and was making his way to the Heads' common room where he knew Lily would be.
When he crawled through the portrait hole, it was completely silent. Lily was over in a corner writing frantically on a 2 foot long parchment. She was about 2/3 of the way through. Every once in awhile, she would stop, set her quill down, and look in a thick and dusty book. James approached very quietly.
He didn't want to startle her, so he went to the other side of the small table and sat down, folding his hands in front of him.
Lily glanced up, held up a finger, and finished writing the passage she had been working on. Setting her quill into the ink bottle, she tucked her loose hair behind her ears and gave James her undivided attention.
"Was there something you needed, James?"
"Uh, as a matter of fact, yes. I need to tell you something very important. You'll like it, I promise. It's not what you think."
Lily visibly relaxed.
"Lily… I've had feelings for you for years that…"
Lily sighed loudly.
"James… you said it wasn't…"
"Just let me finish! I've had feelings for you for years that you obviously have not and will never return. So, I did some thinking today. And this seems the right course of action. I…" James suddenly felt really hot.
"You… you don't have to worry about me asking you out anymore. I… I'll leave you alone." His eyes were starting to sting, but he refused to show anything other than indifference.
Lily's eyes were shining as well, though he couldn't figure out why.
"I give up. But… I just want to ask… why was it so wrong that I had feelings for you? Where was my fault in trying to go after you? Why? Just answer me that, Lily, and I'll leave."
Lily had millions of thoughts going through her head.
He's giving up? Is this for real?
"I… I can't answer that James."
James stood up, placing his palms flat on the table in front of him. He looked Lily directly in the eyes.
"Why? Why can't you answer that? Don't you think that after all these years, when I finally decide to leave you alone, that I deserve to know why I wasn't worth your time?"
A tear made its way down Lily's cheek.
"I just… I don't know. It's not that you weren't… it's that… I finally… just leave James. Please. I can't answer your question because I don't know the answer. Please, go. I need to finish this essay."
James stood straight up and took a deep breath. This was it. This was goodbye to Lily Evans. Goodbye to any hope or dream he had ever had of being with Lily Evans.
"Well then. I'll leave you alone."
Lily knew that had more than one meaning.
