A bad night. That's how people usually call the kind of night Lexa just had. But the word "bad" in this case seems unbelievably reducing.
She had come home relatively early. Around 10pm. But she didn't remember sleeping since then. She was actually lying on her bed, doing nothing, staring at the ceiling but not seeing anything. Birds were chirping outside and she could see the sun through her shutters. And she was bringing the Vodka bottle to her lips again. Indra had trained her well : "Never get wasted in a public place. If you want to drink just do it at home"
"He wants me to go" she said to nobody in particular. She sat on her bed, holding her head, suddenly very aware of the hammering pain in her brain. She looked at the bottle. Almost empty.
Ymir was sitting on the floor just in front of her.
"I saw her. Shouldn't have done that. They were right. I'm a hypocrite, and a coward but whatever" she paused extending a hand to scratch Ymir's neck. The cat stood and jumped on the bed near Lexa, lovingly rubbing itself on her mistress' back.
Then her phone rang. She didn't move. It rang a second time. She grabbed it, looked at the screen and unlocked it.
"Yes Anya ?" she said in a sigh.
"Finally ! I've been calling all morning ! Where the hell were you ?"
Lexa rubbed her tired eyes, trying to stand "Why ?"
"I wanted to invite you to have lunch at home"
"Sorry. Not in the mood right now" she nearly tripped on something on the ground but steadied herself with her desk in a big thud.
"Lexa ? Are you ok ?"
"What time is it ?"
"Noon. Lexa I'm worried are you ok ?"
"Yeah… Yeah. Don't worry. Just need sleep. Bye"
"Lexa wai-"
And she hung up. She left her phone fall on the ground and managed to walk to her couch, collapsing on it. She closed her eyes and rapidly fell into the depths of a restless sleep.
A jingle and the sound of a door opening woke her up.
She raised her head, blinking a few time, looking at her entry door.
"Lexa !"
"Anya ?" she frowned "What are you doing here ?"
"I came to see how you were feeling and it seems I was right"
"Oh please" answered her little sister rubbing the back of her neck "You're not my mom. You have your own kids to take care. Go home"
"You're my home too. I'm not leaving until you tell me what put you in this state"
"What time is it ?" asked Lexa in a sigh.
"6pm"
Lexa stood and mechanically started to prepare coffee.
Anya noticed immediately. Lexa had never been an example of positive attitude or cheerfulness but she hadn't seen her like that in years. Everything in her little sister, every fibre of Lexa's being, her whole demeanour was screaming. She looked like her own ghost.
"What happened Lexa"
The young woman leaned on the counter, left her head hang back and closed her eyes "I went to The Den"
"Did you talk to her ?"
"I talked with Bellamy. Gave him Lincoln's number"
"And ?"
"She has a public audition in two weeks. He wants me to come. I don't"
"Why not ?"
"You should have seen her… She seemed so happy. I'm nothing more than a memory for her now"
"Lexa. She comes at my shop from time to time you know ? And she did a lot for Liyam and Miya"
Lexa frowned "Wait, you've been… seeing each other since when ?"
"A few months after I came back"
"You… didn't tell me. Why ?"
"I don't want to interfere between you two. Honestly at first I thought I'd reject her. But she was like the sun. When I was looking at her what I was seeing was so warm and comforting." Anya sat on a stool, staring at the ground, a nostalgic smile on her face "The blue of her eyes and the blond of her hair remind me of our last summer together here. You remember ? That day we spent in the fields ?" Anya paused. She wanted her sister to reconnect with the moment "That day we went to the old tree. For a simple picnic. It should've been just Gustus, Liyam you and me but Clarke's parents just had a fight and you invited her" Anya then lifted her head, meeting Lexa's eyes "The first time Clarke entered my shop, it was because of Liyam. He had sprung his ankle on the other side of the street. I was cleaning tables when I saw her with my son on her back. We recognized each other and she did something unexpected. Know what that was ?" Lexa shook her head "She smiled. I don't know why I was sure she'd held a grudge on me. But she just smiled at me, taking me six years back in the past, in this field. And I cried. After bandaging Liyam's ankle, I told her about Gustus and how it had affected us. And then she saw him drawing meaningless patterns on a piece of paper. She asked him if he wanted to learn how to draw. She spent every Sunday afternoon in this coffee shop, teaching him how to paint and how to smile again for four years. She came despite the disgust and exhaustion in her bones. She hated the hospital" silence fell between them. When finally Lexa opened her mouth, Anya turned her back to her "When was the last time you cried Lexa?"
She stayed silent.
"Answer. I want to hear it from your mouth"
"Ten years"
"Don't you think you've been punishing yourself long enough ?"
The laugh that escaped Lexa's throat was husky and sour. Heart-breaking.
"It's like I'm not human anymore huh ?"
"Don't say that" Anya moved to reach the coffeepot and pour coffee in two cheap lent mugs.
"But that is true. Even when Gustus…" she paused then hit the counter with her fist, turning to look at Anya, desperate. "See !?" she laughed again. One of those cold and scary laughs "I can't cry ! He almost raised me ! And he was my big sister's husband ! And he died because of me and I can't even cry !" Lexa walked turned on her heels. She threw her fist on the nearest wall in rage. Anya rushed to her side and took Lexa's fist in her hands. Her knuckles were scratched and the mark on the wall suggested that she had broken some bones too.
"I'm taking you to the hospital"
Lexa left her arms fall to her side, all tension leaving her body at the statement "I'm a fucking robot Anya, and I hate that"
Anya took her in her arms. "You're anything but a robot. Robots can't be haunted like you are" Lexa finally hugged her sister back, hiding her face in the crook of her neck, humming that characteristic smell she loved so much. "You have to go. The audition. Promise me you'll go"
"I… I can't promise that. I checked on the internet. The audition is a Sunday afternoon. I may have something scheduled"
Anya pulled back to look at Lexa's eyes "I don't care you're gonna call Indra right away and tell her you want your afternoon"
"Anya I-"
"Do it. If you don't, I will. And if she can't do anything I'll come steal you from your work and bring you to The Den myself so call her !"
"Lend me your phone"
Anya frowned "What ?"
Lexa pointed the ground behind Anya. The woman turned and saw the poor thing "Oh. Here take mine"
Lexa called Indra. Asked her to free this bloody Sunday afternoon.
"What did she said ?"
"She'll try"
"Good."
"And if I see her, what ? You think I can talk to her like nothing happened ?"
"She will understand. She's more mature than you think"
"So I'm a child to you huh ?"
"You'll always be a child to me Lexa. You're my little sister. And yes. You're still a prisoner from your past. It's holding you back. You think you've moved on but you're actually the only one who never did. You're stuck in your past Lexa. You need to face it and beat it. The reason you can't move on is that you left a part of you here ten years ago and it's time to go get it back. Her path is only a step away from yours. Take this step Lexa. Life brought you back here for a reason. You've been fleeing for too long. Now stand and go. You will right ?" Lexa averted her gaze but nodded.
"No Lexa I want you to look at me and tell me you're gonna go to this fucking audition"
Lexa then looked directly in Anya's eyes and in a whisper she said "I'll go"
Anya hugged her again "I know it's hard for you. Make me proud little sister" Lexa closed her eyes and nodded. I'll cook something for you just go sit"
Lexa slowly walked to her couch and laid down. She closed her eyes. And she saw herself. She was 15. She was carrying Liyam. She was in the kitchen looking at Gustus and Anya's backs. They were cooking. Everyone was smiling. It felt so real.
When Lexa opened her eyes again Anya had disappeared. She looked at the clock on the wall. Her fist was aching. It was 8 am. She remembered her schedule. She had an interview in two hours. She needed to prepare. She'd go to the hospital after. She could still move her fingers without too much pain. Probably no broken bones after all. She stood, headed to her fridge for fresh water. She opened it and noticed a covered plate. There was a note : Your favourite. With all my love, Anya. Lexa looked at the content of the plate. She smiled.
Carbonara.
She heated it and ate.
"I'd gladly cry if I could" The taste was exactly the same. Even if the kitchen was different. Even without Gustus.
Ymir jumped on the couch next to Lexa. "Yeah I know. Sorry. Never meant to worry you so much"
"Meow !"
She finished her meal, cuddled with Ymir for a while before finally heading to the bathroom.
